Monday, April 28, 2014

The Storm

Many of you know the Hurst family's story.  David passed away 6 months ago from brain cancer. (You can read about it here) Yesterday marked the 6th month anniversary, so I was thinking about Dana as our Sunday School teacher was talking about the story of Jesus calming the storm with the disciples.  If you are not familiar with the story, it is found in  Matthew 8:23-27 and Luke 8:22-25.  Jesus has been ministering to people, and he tells the disciples to get into a boat and go to the other side of the sea of Galilee.  A severe storm rises up, one that even these seasoned fishermen are afraid of, one they even fear dying in, so they awaken Jesus.  He calms the sea with His words.
Dana has been through her own storm with David's diagnosis and then losing him.  I sent her a text with the words that our teacher said, because she came to mind when I heard them.  "God isn't awakened by the storm or what's going on around him, only the cries and pleas of His people.  When Jesus was asleep on the boat with the raging sea around him, He came awake when they begged for help."  We see the humanity of Jesus needing rest; we see His trust in God as He rests peacefully through a violent storm, we see His attentiveness as He awakens to their cries, and we see His power as "all was calm" after He rebuked the wind and raging waters.  What touched me--HE AWAKENS to the CRIES Of HIS PEOPLE.  He cares so deeply about your situation that He comes running to you in love when you cry out to Him with your hurt, anger or frustration.  Even though in human form He needed a break from helping people, He interrupted His nap for His friends' needs.  As we just celebrated Easter, He rose again, ascended to Heaven after appearing to many, and now He is available to us anytime through His Holy Spirit!

Little did I know as I wrote the text at 8:50pm that Arkansas had just endured terrible storms.  Scott and I grew up in Little Rock, and his parents are still there.  We got an e-mail about our sister-in-law's parents whose street in Mayflower had been hit hard.  We only saw a few images, but it was clear the area was devastated in the blink of an eye.  Here is one of the few videos posted last night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7s2lzDtjew&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop
A long time ago I had heard that tornadoes are a symbol of judgement when I kept having recurring dreams with tornadoes in them.  I googled different commentaries last night to see what I could find while thinking about the map visual of where the tornadoes had hit in Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska. Perhaps the most notable commentary actually refuted the idea that it was God's judgement, because often areas that are hit by tornadoes are filled with faith-filled people (Joplin, MO, for example).  He actually mentioned his theory that it was more of a test like Job endured.  Not that Satan can cause tornadoes, but that he uses this opportunity to test people.  Job lost it all, but He trusted God, and in time, his life was rebuilt.  I went to bed trying to sort it all out in my mind.

This morning I have been weeping for the friends of friends who lost family members or whole houses as I see various posts and more pictures.  All they have left is the clothes they were wearing.  My heart breaks for the mother who lost her husband and two oldest daughters along with their entire house.  This is a picture someone just posted of what's left of their home.  They are enduring deep, deep loss today.  It's so shocking to try to understand how the fury of a storm can cause this much grief and destruction in such a few moments.
I weep for the parents who lost both of their school-aged boys last night.  Today, these families awoke knowing they had lost everything dear to them in the blink of an eye.  I kept thinking about the message I had sent to Dana last night--Jesus awakens because He hears the cries of His people.  If you call out to Him, He will answer!  He is with us in the storms!  He is not asleep, but the message is that our cries are worth His time and focus.  He cares so deeply for those who are hurting.  The Bible promises "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18

Then a couple of hours ago, a local news station posted this picture.  My tears started to flow.  Of course, though some might declare a different opinion, I am certain this was not God's judgement.  And these people who have lost Earthly possessions and some loved ones are rising up with their faith.  And many people are rising up to help.
I know many of you have endured storms in your life or maybe you are in the middle of a storm.  I will close with the Casting Crowns CD song, "I Will Praise You in This Storm." http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=WDK7KLNX

Friday, April 25, 2014

New Life

Whether you believe in the secular part of Easter (baby chicks, eggs, and bunnies) or you believe in the resurrection of Jesus as your reason to celebrate, the theme is New Life.  I have been pondering this concept for a few weeks now in light of the symbolism in our own life and the parallels with Passover, Easter, and our move exactly 1 year ago.  The first official day of Passover this year was April 15.  In the Bible, when the Israelites were given instructions about Passover, this was the exact day they were given (the evening of the 14th).  One year ago, the packers arrived on April 15 to pack our goods.  Sunday, April 20, we celebrated Easter.  We moved into our new house on April 20 last year after a long journey to begin our new life here in Nashville.

We as humans love new life.  Dawn of a new day.  Magazines give us tips on how to "freshen up our room with new accessories." Babies and baby animals are irresistible.  New Life mysteriously bursts forth to our delight every time.  What today might look like dead sticks on a tree, tomorrow might suddenly show a hint of green peeking through and then next day the tree is bursting with green or flowers.  A tiny egg might rest quietly and immobile, only the next day to burst for with a chick pushing out to tell the world, I'm here!  I'm alive in there!

I can only imagine Mary, the mother of Jesus, when she saw that He was finally dead on the cross.  She probably hoped and expected He would do something miraculous and still be alive.  I don't know if she fully understood what was happening or not, but can you imagine her joy when she heard that Jesus was alive after dying and being buried in the tomb?  I have talked about this before, but when I was pregnant with Anna, the doctor told me she had no heartbeat and that I would miscarry soon.  I had felt so strongly that God had spoken I would become pregnant on April 14, so I kept questioning, why would He tell me that, I actually do get pregnant, and then the baby die?  We spent an agonizing 3 weeks waiting, and with every tinge of pain I wondered if I was beginning to miscarry.  My labs confirmed to my OB that yes, I would still miscarry.  We went back for a final ultrasound before my scheduled D&C, and to everyone's amazement, Anna was there filling the screen, looking like a perfect baby with her heart beating wildly.  You could almost hear her screaming, "I'm alive in here!"  I have never likened that moment to Mary receiving the news of Jesus' resurrection, but this year it resonated with me as I imagined her emotions so many years ago. 

So those who read my last post are probably wondering what has happened.  I took a pregnancy test April 14.  It was negative.  I was definitely disappointed, because I believed whole-heartedly I would be pregnant (even though I knew I didn't 100% know what God's plan is, only what I thought I was hearing).  I can't say I felt abandoned by God, but I did question things.  I know He speaks into daily life with scripture, through nature, song and other people.  Why wouldn't this be any different, other than it's a specific date in the Bible that happens to line up with the exact date on our calendar coinciding with Passover.  UNLESS, I was really reading into things.  I did wonder, was a making a bigger deal out of what I was reading; were all these things coincidences?  I texted Nicole back and forth and she said she had been praying New Life over me, because she felt that was a theme God was speaking in her life as well.  She wondered if it might be April 15 since that is the official day of Passover and the symbol of new life through deliverance for the Israelites as the left Egypt.  This thought had crossed my mind.  But it's pretty obvious today I am not pregnant (if you know what I mean).  Am I disappointed?  Yes.  But for obvious reasons, why would have expected to be pregnant since I took birth control this month?  I don't know.  I feel like it will be soon; I had built up such a miraculous expectation in my mind (which is what we are challenged to do--believe the unexplainable and have great expectation).   But, my miraculous time is not now.  I texted Nicole--It's fine if it's next month or some other time, but I don't understand all the messages I seemed to be getting.  When I prayed to God in my confusion, I heard "I know the plans I have for you."  Jer. 29:11. Even though I know that in my heart, it was comforting to be reminded again.  That's all I need to believe in right now.

Friday, April 4, 2014

April 14, 2014

I have to be honest.  I want to be pregnant one more time.  It just seems right.  Use everything one last time and then be ready to get rid of it.  After a visit to my new OB/GYN last month, I walked away feeling a little nervous, because I am 37.  I am still on birth control, and it did become clear that I should really consider getting pregnant soon or maybe we should go the adoption/foster baby route.  All of these things were spinning around in my head, and I kept praying that God would speak to Scott about what we should do.
On the outside it would appear that I can barely keep it all together with two kids, so how could we even possibly think of adding more?  But as a lot of moms know (who have more than 2), it's still chaotic, whether you add another one or two.  With God's help, I would be able to make it.  Plus, the girls are at an age that I believe having another one would actually be good for them (and I think they would enjoy it).  Anna keeps saying that she wants me to have 2 boys and 1 more girl (she has been saying this since she could talk).  She doesn't know that her pregnancy I was believing God for boy twins (because I thought that is what He had promised to me).  She knows about baby Grace dying in my womb before her, but I don't know if baby Grace counts or if she is hoping for another little girl in our family ;)  (you can read that whole story by going to the part of my blog from 2008.)
I don't know how to explain it, but after we lost baby Grace, it seemed like God was speaking I would become pregnant April 14 with boy twins (I even had names for them).  I showed up at Bible Study on April 14, and a lady asked me if I was pregnant or more specifically, did I know for sure I wasn't pregnant.  I was kind of taken aback and said, "I don't know, why?"  She said that she had a book she felt like God had wanted her to give to me.  She had boy twins that were about 7 years old. The book she gave me on April 14, 2008 was The Art of Parenting Twins.  This definitely fueled my faith to believe that I did conceive and we soon found out the beginning of May that I was pregnant. Of course, we were shocked when at 21 weeks they told us we were having a girl. . .From that point forward I have always wondered about what did I really hear?  Would we still have boy twins? We are so happy with our 2 girls, and yes, God did bless us double for what we lost, but are boy twins still in the picture? The timing of her giving me the book still remained significant to me (April 14), even though that pregnancy turned out to be Anna.  For 6 years, the boy twins have been on my mind.
It seemed I sometimes hear January 21 or September 21 being significant, too.  So all of these dates I am super sensitive to whether or not I would be pregnant or if we would adopt, etc.  On September 23, 2013, I received the phone call from my brother that "Jonathan Daniel" was born.  My breath was taken away.   Jonathan was one of the names that I thought I had heard from God to name the firstborn twin boy.  I went through a tough couple of weeks trying to decipher--are we done having kids?  did I hear wrong?  would we adopt boy twins, one that would already be named Jonathan?, etc. etc.  Finally I came to peace with just waiting and resting in the Lord that He would make it loud and clear what we were supposed to do next (i.e. get off birth control, start the adoption/foster baby process, or even just start thinking of our family as complete), and I did not need to figure it out.  My sister-in-law reassured me that she knew someone who had also heard a name for a sibling's child that she thought was for her own, and maybe this is what had happened for me.  Then I started wondering if maybe by September of next year we would give birth to a boy and he and Jonathan would be really close.  Well, January 21 came and went, and I was not pregnant.  I still waited expectantly to see if Scott might have any direction.  I was feeling at peace with just waiting to see what would happen, and also knowing that if I were to get pregnant it really would have to be in the next year or two.  (I do not want to be 40 and pregnant).  Of course, I still am on birth control and we haven't had a discussion about me stopping, but I did hope and pray often that God would speak something to Scott so that we would know when.
Every April 14 I always wonder what might happen.  Nicole (my good friend and faith cheerleader, who I have mentioned before) always said, "whenever it happens (me having boy twins), it's going to be big.  God is going to make it big," just because He is orderly, magnificent, cares about us, and has a sense of humor (I think).  He always keeps his promises, too.
So, where did the date April 14 pop in my head?  I won't go into the whole story, but the Bible references "the 14th day of the first month" quite a bit when discussing Passover instructions.  When you look at your notes, the time period is described as late March or early April.  Typically it is describing Passover, or God's instructions to the Israelites regarding Passover.  It is also the same time when the Israelites left Egypt and then 40 years later when they crossed the Jordan into the Promised Land.
I have always been aware of this timing since I first started paying attention to these dates (in 2007/2008 after we lost Grace).  This is the first year that Passover actually begins at sundown on April 14.  A few weeks ago, God led me to some verses that instructed the Israelites the second year after leaving Egypt for celebrating Passover on the "14th day of the first month."  Although we love the people in Waco, we often refer to our life there as our Egypt.  We moved here mid-April last year and always thought the timing was profound.  I did a double-take, when the verses were saying "in the second year after their exodus from Egypt."  We are about to begin our second year here.  I googled the dates of Passover and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw it actually fell on April 14, that the Jewish calendar actually lines up with the numbered day that is mentioned in the Bible.  This got me really wondering if this would be the year of our boy twins. In fact, if I were to get pregnant April 14, this year, they would be born 7 years after I first thought I heard the message.  God has always been orderly with numbers.  Isaac in the Bible was born on April 15, the first full day of Passover (even though they weren't celebrating Passover yet).  400 years later, as prophesied, the Israelites left Egypt on April 15. (Check it out on a Jewish website giving the history of Passover for children).  I find this orchestration fascinating and faith-filling.
Here's what doesn't make sense.  1.  I am still on birth control.  2.  Scott will be out of town on that particular day.  With God, this is what is possible.  Maybe I have conceived in spite of being on birth control and will find out on April 14, or maybe something else big will happen in our lives that day that I can't even comprehend.  Please understand I do not believe I am extra-ordinary to think or expect that I would conceive or find out on the same day as the birth of Isaac or the same day as a huge Jewish holiday.  It just happens that from 1998 to 2017, this is the only year that the first full day of Passover begins on the same day as mentioned in the Bible, and the same date that I have always held in my heart as significant.  And since Anna's birth, I have always wondered if I still had a twin pregnancy in the future.  To be honest, I would be fine with just one more ;).
The other amazing fact is that a Blood Moon is scheduled for April 15, the first full day of Passover.  The next one is scheduled for October 8, 2014, which is the beginning of the Feast of Tabernacles.  In history, when a set of four blood moons has coincided with the Jewish feasts, it has been major for Israel.  This website seems to describe it well. http://www.pray4zion.org/TheComingBloodMoons.html  I do not know what this all means, but I do feel like this year something big will happen on April 14, not only for our family, but for the world.