Today is Grace's due date. I honestly don't think about it as much as I do her "birthdate." I remember that first year being pretty nervous about how I would feel and disappointed that I really wasn't delivering a baby, but we were in Holland at the time, and I appreciated that I would be missing out on the beauty of the tulips if I had just had a baby. Probably what gets me more (still) is seeing other little girls born around April 25, 2008 and thinking about Anna having an older sister and what she really would have been like. My brain can't wrap my head around that. At the time I was sad and remembering and thinking what would have been, but I had such hope that I would be pregnant soon (if not already at that moment). I remember feeling emotionally ready that weekend and telling my husband I would be ready to be pregnant again. And if you go back and read 2008, you know the rest of the story :) It turns out I was pregnant but wouldn't find out for another week or so. Then Anna was born 5 weeks early on the day I think Grace died. I write all this to give you all hope and courage. The pain does lessen as the years go by. Of course, you never forget; and you have a scar, but there is healing and peace in time.
That next pregnancy is hard--I always say I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy. I was so thrilled to be pregnant again, but then we were told I would miscarry Anna. So it was a difficult first 3 weeks. After we saw she was alive, days before the scheduled D&C, I still struggled with the reality that I could lose her. Sometimes I would cry that I did not want to go to the doctor for my appointment, because I didn't want to have to go through finding out her heartbeat had stopped. It was a long 35 weeks! That fear is hard to battle in the next pregnancy, but when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, the fear was still there but not as strong. Her pregnancy was drama-free, so it was almost strange for me :) I never took for granted one day that I was pregnant with Grace; somehow I always knew how fragile pregnancy is, and since it was my first pregancy, I didn't know how my body would handle it. But I relaxed after the first trimester, and it never entered my mind that she would die in utero. I, like many people, was ignorant about genetic mutations and how they relate to miscarriage/stillbirth. Now every time someone announces she is pregnant I am always thinking about it with caution. You can't help it! You know the possibilities. But, most of the time, everything turns out fine. I feel fortunate to have only endured one loss. I know so many have been through multiple losses, and I cannot imagine that. I am unbelievably thankful for our girls. For those of you out there who are also going through infertility, know I don't ever take them for granted. I pray an extra dose of grace for you as you sort through 2 griefs. There is hope; somehow, someday, you will be a mommy!
http://www.rachellebelievinggod.blogspot.com/2008/08/pictures.html
The post from April 2008
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