Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is very special for us.  First, it was the weekend we got married 10 years ago.  Then, on our 4th Anniversary, we we apart because Scott was deployed to Iraq for 13 months (yuck).  That morning he surprised me with a call before I had to rush off to substitute at the American high school.  (I never knew how many days it would be before I talked to him).  I told him something was wrong with Doug, but I wasn't sure.  I sat down to write my best friend, Nicole an e-mail to tell her that Scott had said he would figure out what was going on with Doug (because they were going out that direction that day).  Then I deleted the e-mail, because I wondered if she had been notified yet, and I didn't want to cause any confusion--certainly he was just hurt and in the hospital, or maybe he was being flown back to Germany to be taken care of.  I only had received a copied e-mail from a friend that was to Nicole saying she was sorry about Doug.  This woman's husband was also deployed down there, so I didn't know if she had heard something before Nicole had; I trusted that if the most horrible thing had happened, Nicole would let me know first, but it nagged at the back of my mind that something was very wrong.When I walked across to the part of the Army post where the high school was, I realized that I had left my military ID in the car, so I had to sneak in through a gate that some kids had a key to.  After 9-11, we had German security guards who would only let you on post if you had a military ID or you could sign in with a passport, neither of which I had on me.  So, on my free period at 10:15am, I walked back home to get my ID.  Then, on the answering machine was a message from my other friend telling me that she noticed I wasn't copied on the e-mail, and she didn't know if I already knew, but Doug had been killed.  My first feeling was desperation--it's over before he even had a chance to be treated or given the chance to make it.  Of course I was hysterical, trying to find a neighbor to tell who also knew Doug and Nic.  Our lives changed forever that Memorial Day.  Hers of course more so than mine, but I will NEVER forget what an awful weekend it was.  Alison and I went to visit her as soon as I got out of school.  It turns out that Nic had told the Army to notify me.  That's why I was not copied on the e-mail; but it might have been harder for me if they had reached me--I might have thought at first they were calling because of Scott.
I did not sleep all night.  Crying for her, thinking about the reality of what war meant, and how he was never coming home.  We just assumed he and Scott would come home.  This rocked my world.  You survive every day telling yourself they are coming home; otherwise, you would be overcome with anxiety.  Now I had been lying to myself, so how would I cope now? 
In those dark, dark moments, Nicole trusted God.  She trusted that He still loved her, even though He had allowed this horrible event to happen.  Her story is amazing--that is why I have been posting parts of her blog this week. www.nicsrevelations.wordpress.com If you're interested in reading her book, Revelations, that chronicles these past 6 years of what she has learned about God and Heaven, see the previous post--it's on sale today.
And the next Memorial Day we were still waiting to "miscarry" Anna but our hope for a miracle was very alive!  So I remember the uncertainty as we walked around Brugges, Belgium.  And the doctor's appointment after we got back showed she was alive.  That was an amazing moment.  She was perfect, even though everything else pointed to her not being viable.  I still look back on those pictures with sort of a sick feeling--the anniversary of Doug's death as well as the unknown for us--our first pregnancy after losing Grace and being told Anna had already "died."
Memorial Day is so much bigger than even Doug or our celebrations.  Thousands and thousands of US soldiers have lost their lives fighting for our country.  If you visit Verdun, France or Normandy, it will take your breath away.  In Verdun, you can see the graves of 14,246 American soldiers from World War I  http://thewanderingchick.com/fr-verdun.html  And I know that there are thousands of others who have lost their lives in other places.  Today I specifically remember CPT Douglas DiCenzo and MAJ David Taylor who were KIA along with many others from Scott's brigade while he was deployed to Ramadi, Iraq.  If you ever attend a military funeral, you will never forget it.  At the end they do a roll call, and when they call the soldier's name and he doesn't answer, they say it 2 more times, louder each time, with the sickening silence following.  Inside you are screaming--"he is not here--just stop!!!"  I hope I never have a reason to attend one of those again. 
What this day represents is so humbling--I still get teared up every time I hear the National Anthem.  "the Land of the free and the Home of the Brave."  The people who are left behind and those we honor deserve all our gratitude.  Watch this song by Avalon--For Freedom
http://youtu.be/bMjFsVUYmGM