Thursday, September 25, 2008
Mustard Seed. . .
Well, at this point we are so excited about our little girl--I do look forward to when I can finally hold her! I have not heard God speak anything directly about this pregnancy ever since we had the ultrasound a few weeks ago, but I am resting with an open heart to whatever He has in store. I do know with Him anything is possible, so I have a mustard seed of faith that we could still end up with twins January 15 (boy and girl :) ), but I am open to whatever God's plan is right now. The good news is that God honors even mustard seeds of faith--and regardless, I trust whatever He has planned. I don't feel like I have to figure it all out, but if He is planning on a miracle like that still, I would like to be exercising active faith! I still am in awe and amazement that we even will be having a little girl soon after Christmas this year--the time of year we lost Grace. I am so thankful for this gift of life and the privilege to be pregnant.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
22 weeks and counting. . .
These pics were taken Sunday, when I hit the end of week 22. Yesterday marked 4 months until our due date so it feels like time is going to fly by now. From now on, this part of the pregnancy is uncharted territory for me :) She still is constantly kicking me, so it is always reassuring that things are still okay.
Well, that's all for now--people have been asking for pics of my belly, so here they are. Yes, it's still like summer here--I miss fall in Germany!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Time of Rest. . .
Right now it seems like I'm at a time of rest--just enjoying the present. I know God will speak to me in time, and right now I don't have to try to figure it all out. Of course, I'm always looking to hear from Him, but I do trust that at the right time things will become clearer. :)
FYI: If you or someone you know has gone through a pregnancy loss, check out my list of favorite books in "view my complete profile" and pass them along. . .
FYI: If you or someone you know has gone through a pregnancy loss, check out my list of favorite books in "view my complete profile" and pass them along. . .
Monday, September 8, 2008
What next?
In every season, I have a reason to worship. Right now I'm going through a strange season--certainly not a bad one but maybe a confusing one--I am excited about our girl, and I can feel her kicking all of the time. I am so privileged to be pregnant. What I'm still sorting out is whether or not it is foolish for me not to believe we will still have twins or whether it is foolish to believe it will still happen. At our ultrasound, there was only one baby in my belly. My first reaction with it being a girl, was thinking "okay--that promise of twins must definitely be for another pregnancy." Of course, my whole faith lesson on this journey has been "don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence" which gave me the hope to hold on during the ultrasound in which our doctor told me I was going to miscarry. I am so thankful that this baby is healthy--no heart problems, no developmental problems at all--this is truly wonderful. I suppose what I'm struggling with is that half of the promise came true when I believed in faith--getting pregnant in April, etc., but the other half doesn't look like it for this pregnancy, when it took me awhile to get to the point of believing it was definitely this pregnancy and not another one. I also feel like I somehow misled Scott, because by the time we reached last Tuesday, he was believing with no doubt that we would see twins--which is amazing for him. So, do I keep believing and wonder what God is up to and how He'll show more of His glory? or do I just say that this is what He always planned for now and He's already shown His glory. Is this another time to believe without evidence or should I put it to rest?
I do know this for sure--God is intentional in His timing. As much as I believed and expected to see the twins, this is what He wanted me to see at this ultrasound appointment. I know that either way He is honored by my faith (although I don't understand that part if I felt like He was drawing me there), and I know that sometimes miracles do not happen that we have prayed and believed for. However, this is one miracle that I thought He was showing me He wanted to do. Is this another further test of faith to hold on even stronger when it seems impossible? I believe with every ounce of me that He can put another baby in there (He can do whatever He wants), but is that what He's calling me to believe now? In my quiet times the last week or so, I haven't heard anything either way. Is this because I have not stepped out in faith to keep believing? You can pray with me that if I'm to keep believing for this pregnancy I will (and I suppose they'd be boy and girl twins? :) If I am to accept things as they are and believe God gave me that faith for another reason, that I will put all this to rest and hope in the next pregnancy.
The bottom line: this is His faith story, not my story, and I am willing to do whatever will bring Him glory (and He knows that better than I do).
I do know this for sure--God is intentional in His timing. As much as I believed and expected to see the twins, this is what He wanted me to see at this ultrasound appointment. I know that either way He is honored by my faith (although I don't understand that part if I felt like He was drawing me there), and I know that sometimes miracles do not happen that we have prayed and believed for. However, this is one miracle that I thought He was showing me He wanted to do. Is this another further test of faith to hold on even stronger when it seems impossible? I believe with every ounce of me that He can put another baby in there (He can do whatever He wants), but is that what He's calling me to believe now? In my quiet times the last week or so, I haven't heard anything either way. Is this because I have not stepped out in faith to keep believing? You can pray with me that if I'm to keep believing for this pregnancy I will (and I suppose they'd be boy and girl twins? :) If I am to accept things as they are and believe God gave me that faith for another reason, that I will put all this to rest and hope in the next pregnancy.
The bottom line: this is His faith story, not my story, and I am willing to do whatever will bring Him glory (and He knows that better than I do).
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Funny Thing. . .
It's a girl! Of course I was a little surprised, but we are not disappointed. We could only see one baby, and the ultrasound technician thought it was a girl.
I still believe that God fulfilled His promise by me getting pregnant in April, and He promised to "restore what was lost." We lost a girl, and now He's given us another one. I still have hope and faith that someday we will have boy twins. . .And all the lessons I learned about God's character and faith haven't changed :)
The good news is that everything was healthy and normal--that's the important thing, so we are very happy and relieved. Our due date is still January 15. . .
I will keep you updated. . .
Rachelle
I still believe that God fulfilled His promise by me getting pregnant in April, and He promised to "restore what was lost." We lost a girl, and now He's given us another one. I still have hope and faith that someday we will have boy twins. . .And all the lessons I learned about God's character and faith haven't changed :)
The good news is that everything was healthy and normal--that's the important thing, so we are very happy and relieved. Our due date is still January 15. . .
I will keep you updated. . .
Rachelle
Monday, September 1, 2008
September 1, 2008 Tomorrow's a Big Day
If you haven't been reading the blog at all this far, you have to go back and read it all--unfortunately to go in order, you have to start at the bottom. I encourage you to take the time--not because I'm such a great writer, but because I believe this is God's story that He wants you to hear.
I am 20 weeks pregnant now. I have been feeling the baby/babies kicking all the time for the past week or so; this gives me great comfort that I do not have to dread the ultrasound tomorrow. This will be the same ultrasound in which we found out Grace had died. Thankfully we're at a different time and place. I am not worried about what we'll find out tomorrow--I'm actually very excited. This day couldn't come soon enough. I am hoping by this point the twins will be obvious, and it will become a reality that I can share with you. I have no reason to doubt that the twins are in my belly based on everything that God has been speaking, but there is always that chance that He will not reveal it tomorrow.
So by now you can see why I entitled this blog "Against All Hope"--my theme verse for this pregnancy has been Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
I hope you have taken to heart the truths that God has so impressed upon me in this journey--
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's Word is alive and active in me.
Amen! I have definitely felt God's Word being alive in me since December 18. In a One Year Bible that was published years ago--the scriptures you've been reading have not been things I've searched for but they are the readings for that day--and they specifically address the need I have for that day. No other religion has the Holy Spirit to minister to you like that so personally. Only a relationship with Jesus can bring you everything I have written about.
I look forward to updating you tomorrow now that you are all caught up! Of course, I will not be disappointed if there is truly only 1 baby in my belly. But at this point, I have no reason to doubt we will have boy twins.
I am 20 weeks pregnant now. I have been feeling the baby/babies kicking all the time for the past week or so; this gives me great comfort that I do not have to dread the ultrasound tomorrow. This will be the same ultrasound in which we found out Grace had died. Thankfully we're at a different time and place. I am not worried about what we'll find out tomorrow--I'm actually very excited. This day couldn't come soon enough. I am hoping by this point the twins will be obvious, and it will become a reality that I can share with you. I have no reason to doubt that the twins are in my belly based on everything that God has been speaking, but there is always that chance that He will not reveal it tomorrow.
So by now you can see why I entitled this blog "Against All Hope"--my theme verse for this pregnancy has been Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
I hope you have taken to heart the truths that God has so impressed upon me in this journey--
- God has a deep love for those who are hurting
- Faith requires obedience
- Don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence (sometimes evidence is wrong!)
- God fulfills His promises
- God speaks to You if you ask Him to and listen for His answer through prayer, worship, and your Bible
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's Word is alive and active in me.
Amen! I have definitely felt God's Word being alive in me since December 18. In a One Year Bible that was published years ago--the scriptures you've been reading have not been things I've searched for but they are the readings for that day--and they specifically address the need I have for that day. No other religion has the Holy Spirit to minister to you like that so personally. Only a relationship with Jesus can bring you everything I have written about.
I look forward to updating you tomorrow now that you are all caught up! Of course, I will not be disappointed if there is truly only 1 baby in my belly. But at this point, I have no reason to doubt we will have boy twins.
July 19, 2008
From my journal. . .
"It's hard sometimes, because sometimes you are exactly what you don't want to be. I wanted to have unwavering faith and not be like the Israelites who only believed after they had crossed the Jordan. Yesterday I was feeling really upset--I was at the point where I did not want to go to the doctor. [It had been 4 weeks (I was at week 14) since the last ultrasound, and my body had been feeling similar to how it felt the day we found out Grace had died. Since I didn't really feel very pregnant (not many pregnancy symptoms) I was dreading if we would find out bad news. It's possible the baby could have died after the 10 week ultrasound and I wouldn't know it until this appointment. I was not feeling strong, so I was wishing that if I were going to miscarry it would just happen on its own rather than going to the doctor and being told again it had died. I didn't expect bad news; I just didn't know how I would handle bad news (or how this doctor would handle it). I was having a love-hate relationship with being pregnant that day. It is such a happy time, but it can also be full of deep emotional ups and downs for many women.] I knew I didn't have any reason to believe our baby/babies had died but I also knew that I had a willing heart if that was God's plan (to be glorified). I just was overcome with dread in case somehow this pregnancy wasn't the promise--that it was still to come.
I pulled out my One-Year-Bible hoping that July 18th reading would be exactly what I needed to read (as so often it is) and put on my "Faith Songs" CD I had made for myself. I felt sorry for Scott as I was having this melt-down, and he was secretly praying for me that God would speak to me specifically for this situation as I read (and all the while hoping it would be a positive message).
I was amazed and overcome as I read Romans 4:13-5:5. It was all about how as Christians we're Abraham's seed and are "heirs" to the promise of Jesus by faith (emphasizing to me how important faith and no doubt is). Then I got to a verse that just amazed me and leaped off the page.
Romans 4:17 "This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before." This was an amazing verse because of how God essentially brought the blighted ovum back to life, and that He might bring into existence the twin we had seen no evidence of. I was sobbing after I read this, because the same God who did this verse back in Abraham's day could do the same thing by substituting my name. Then I knew I had nothing to worry about and my faith was increased again. I believed at that point we would see the twins at the appointment. Then I kept reading and the next part were the verses I claimed and read over and over when they told me I would miscarry--same verses in a different translation than what I quoted earlier.
Romans 4:19-21 "And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father. . .and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised."
I did not search for these verses, but they were the actual readings published for July 18--God's Word is alive!
I was completely touched and ministered to. I'm kind of thankful for my weakness that morning so that God revealed more of Himself. I have no reason to doubt that we are going to have twins this pregnancy. Lord keep my faith strong with no doubt. It was really neat at the appointment, because Scott and I both thought we heard 2 heartbeats when he went from one side of my stomach to the other side--they were off-beat from one another. The doctor didn't do an ultrasound but listened with the heart monitor, and he even said--'this guy's moving around' since he heard strong beats on both sides of my belly. It was enough for me to believe that God was giving us another confirmation of His promise and there was still hope for 2 babies."
"It's hard sometimes, because sometimes you are exactly what you don't want to be. I wanted to have unwavering faith and not be like the Israelites who only believed after they had crossed the Jordan. Yesterday I was feeling really upset--I was at the point where I did not want to go to the doctor. [It had been 4 weeks (I was at week 14) since the last ultrasound, and my body had been feeling similar to how it felt the day we found out Grace had died. Since I didn't really feel very pregnant (not many pregnancy symptoms) I was dreading if we would find out bad news. It's possible the baby could have died after the 10 week ultrasound and I wouldn't know it until this appointment. I was not feeling strong, so I was wishing that if I were going to miscarry it would just happen on its own rather than going to the doctor and being told again it had died. I didn't expect bad news; I just didn't know how I would handle bad news (or how this doctor would handle it). I was having a love-hate relationship with being pregnant that day. It is such a happy time, but it can also be full of deep emotional ups and downs for many women.] I knew I didn't have any reason to believe our baby/babies had died but I also knew that I had a willing heart if that was God's plan (to be glorified). I just was overcome with dread in case somehow this pregnancy wasn't the promise--that it was still to come.
I pulled out my One-Year-Bible hoping that July 18th reading would be exactly what I needed to read (as so often it is) and put on my "Faith Songs" CD I had made for myself. I felt sorry for Scott as I was having this melt-down, and he was secretly praying for me that God would speak to me specifically for this situation as I read (and all the while hoping it would be a positive message).
I was amazed and overcome as I read Romans 4:13-5:5. It was all about how as Christians we're Abraham's seed and are "heirs" to the promise of Jesus by faith (emphasizing to me how important faith and no doubt is). Then I got to a verse that just amazed me and leaped off the page.
Romans 4:17 "This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before." This was an amazing verse because of how God essentially brought the blighted ovum back to life, and that He might bring into existence the twin we had seen no evidence of. I was sobbing after I read this, because the same God who did this verse back in Abraham's day could do the same thing by substituting my name. Then I knew I had nothing to worry about and my faith was increased again. I believed at that point we would see the twins at the appointment. Then I kept reading and the next part were the verses I claimed and read over and over when they told me I would miscarry--same verses in a different translation than what I quoted earlier.
Romans 4:19-21 "And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father. . .and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised."
I did not search for these verses, but they were the actual readings published for July 18--God's Word is alive!
I was completely touched and ministered to. I'm kind of thankful for my weakness that morning so that God revealed more of Himself. I have no reason to doubt that we are going to have twins this pregnancy. Lord keep my faith strong with no doubt. It was really neat at the appointment, because Scott and I both thought we heard 2 heartbeats when he went from one side of my stomach to the other side--they were off-beat from one another. The doctor didn't do an ultrasound but listened with the heart monitor, and he even said--'this guy's moving around' since he heard strong beats on both sides of my belly. It was enough for me to believe that God was giving us another confirmation of His promise and there was still hope for 2 babies."
July 7, 2008
From my journal. . .
"My belly seems to be getting bigger than it did with the other pregnancy. I am exited about the appointment July 18, but I also know we might not know until 20 weeks if there are twins. Sometimes I actually get really sad about Grace with this pregnancy--even though they're completely different--and different maternity clothes with different seasons. Maybe it's because I've relived some of the same good feelings I did as with the pregnancy for her--shopping for clothes, etc. going to doctor's appointments--and it heightens my awareness that this all is not new to me (kind of like if you were engaged a second time). I don't know what it is. I'm so happy to be pregnant and so thankful God gave us this pregnancy so quickly, but sometimes my defense mechanisms don't let me get too excited just in case something has gone wrong. I chose to not see the doctor more often than normal, but when you are in the early stages of pregnancy, 4 weeks does seem a long time, especially since I don't really feel all that pregnant. I think after next Friday I will be much more excited, since it will be the end of the first trimester. Generally once you make it through the first trimester, you don't lose the baby (even though we were one of those rare cases with Grace). I don't want to lose faith."
"My belly seems to be getting bigger than it did with the other pregnancy. I am exited about the appointment July 18, but I also know we might not know until 20 weeks if there are twins. Sometimes I actually get really sad about Grace with this pregnancy--even though they're completely different--and different maternity clothes with different seasons. Maybe it's because I've relived some of the same good feelings I did as with the pregnancy for her--shopping for clothes, etc. going to doctor's appointments--and it heightens my awareness that this all is not new to me (kind of like if you were engaged a second time). I don't know what it is. I'm so happy to be pregnant and so thankful God gave us this pregnancy so quickly, but sometimes my defense mechanisms don't let me get too excited just in case something has gone wrong. I chose to not see the doctor more often than normal, but when you are in the early stages of pregnancy, 4 weeks does seem a long time, especially since I don't really feel all that pregnant. I think after next Friday I will be much more excited, since it will be the end of the first trimester. Generally once you make it through the first trimester, you don't lose the baby (even though we were one of those rare cases with Grace). I don't want to lose faith."
June 10, 2008
We flew back to the States this day to move back from Germany. We will miss our time in Germany, but we are looking forward to the life ahead of us. We had another doctor appointment the day before, but there was still no evidence of twins. I still had hope, because twins are often discovered later--especially if they are mono zygotic (identical), because they often have an identical heartbeat and one hides behind the other. Ours would have to be identical, because there is only one gestational sac, and we don't have the genetic history for fraternal twins.
From my journal. . .
"So the big question that's been on my mind right now is whether or not the twins were promised for this pregnancy. If I look at everything God has spoken, then it is this pregnancy (unless we are going to lose this baby and He's giving me hope for the future). From what He's taught me about faith, He wants us to believe even when the evidence is not there (that's what faith is right?). Right now it's pretty obvious there is only one baby, but Abraham believed even in spite of everything that God had the power to do what He said He would do. So maybe God's not finished--we'll see what God wants to do."
From my journal. . .
"So the big question that's been on my mind right now is whether or not the twins were promised for this pregnancy. If I look at everything God has spoken, then it is this pregnancy (unless we are going to lose this baby and He's giving me hope for the future). From what He's taught me about faith, He wants us to believe even when the evidence is not there (that's what faith is right?). Right now it's pretty obvious there is only one baby, but Abraham believed even in spite of everything that God had the power to do what He said He would do. So maybe God's not finished--we'll see what God wants to do."
May 30, 2008 Exciting News. . .
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I don't know how to thank You. Today, just like in the story of Lazarus, God allowed him to die so that Jesus could reveal His glory. I was so nervous today but at the same time had a lot of peace. Right before the exam she said she had completed the paperwork for the D&C but we'd do the ultrasound first. She flippantly said 'miracles do happen.' (and I was thinking--'oh Lord, let it be this time'). Then she started the ultrasound and at first it looked empty--she then turned the screen to me and said 'I don't know if you want to see'--of course I was very excited to see--then she continued the ultrasound and said 'my God' and turned the sound on so we could hear the heartbeat. Scott said 'there's a baby in there.' She said everything looked perfect--the baby, the yolk sac (which is only perfectly round in a healthy pregnancy). As she was getting the measurements I told her of God's promise that I would be pregnant in April and that people all over the world had been praying for this baby. (the best I could explain it). She said she couldn't medically explain it any other way but that it was a miracle. She also said that with the hormone levels the only other explanation would be twins (but we could only see one baby and no evidence of twins). Scott and I were looking for two and afterwards we both said that we thought we'd seen 2 heartbeats simultaneously. I'm so humbled by the whole thing. Why me? Is it just because I asked God to speak to me and I believed? The people in the Bible have taught me so much.
It was a beautiful sight on that screen--it was a perfect looking baby--not just a fuzzy blob--with its heart beating strong in its chest as if to say "I'm alive and I'm in here!" [To think we were just days away from taking its life (or if I had taken the pill at the beginning) makes me encourage any woman with this diagnosis to wait it out until you start actually bleeding (unless you are at a risk for an infection). Even though it is emotionally draining--wait it out.]
I praise Him for so many reasons. Lord, that was an awesome sight today.
I felt like it came to me the other day that I had come full circle-just like the Israelites when they finally went into the Promised Land.
God is faithful."
"Lord, I don't know how to thank You. Today, just like in the story of Lazarus, God allowed him to die so that Jesus could reveal His glory. I was so nervous today but at the same time had a lot of peace. Right before the exam she said she had completed the paperwork for the D&C but we'd do the ultrasound first. She flippantly said 'miracles do happen.' (and I was thinking--'oh Lord, let it be this time'). Then she started the ultrasound and at first it looked empty--she then turned the screen to me and said 'I don't know if you want to see'--of course I was very excited to see--then she continued the ultrasound and said 'my God' and turned the sound on so we could hear the heartbeat. Scott said 'there's a baby in there.' She said everything looked perfect--the baby, the yolk sac (which is only perfectly round in a healthy pregnancy). As she was getting the measurements I told her of God's promise that I would be pregnant in April and that people all over the world had been praying for this baby. (the best I could explain it). She said she couldn't medically explain it any other way but that it was a miracle. She also said that with the hormone levels the only other explanation would be twins (but we could only see one baby and no evidence of twins). Scott and I were looking for two and afterwards we both said that we thought we'd seen 2 heartbeats simultaneously. I'm so humbled by the whole thing. Why me? Is it just because I asked God to speak to me and I believed? The people in the Bible have taught me so much.
It was a beautiful sight on that screen--it was a perfect looking baby--not just a fuzzy blob--with its heart beating strong in its chest as if to say "I'm alive and I'm in here!" [To think we were just days away from taking its life (or if I had taken the pill at the beginning) makes me encourage any woman with this diagnosis to wait it out until you start actually bleeding (unless you are at a risk for an infection). Even though it is emotionally draining--wait it out.]
I praise Him for so many reasons. Lord, that was an awesome sight today.
I felt like it came to me the other day that I had come full circle-just like the Israelites when they finally went into the Promised Land.
God is faithful."
May 29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Today everything in our house was packed and loaded ready to get on the boat. The Lord was gracious and helped me so much. I am still feeling pregnant and tomorrow we have an appointment at 10:30. Although I know that your body can still act pregnant even if you are going to miscarry, we are praying that there will be no doubt in the doctor's mind that everything is okay and there are twins. Obviously, if there is nothing there we will still have to believe until I actually do miscarry, but for the sake of everyone here it would be wonderful to have it confirmed tomorrow. Lord I know it will all happen in your timing. We are nervous, but in a good way--hoping that science will reveal the truth and prove God's faithfulness to show the world He keeps His promises. I am very excited--I just can't wait, and people all over the world are praying. I'm just praying it will be easy for her to see, because she doesn't have much time."
"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matt. 10:31
"Today everything in our house was packed and loaded ready to get on the boat. The Lord was gracious and helped me so much. I am still feeling pregnant and tomorrow we have an appointment at 10:30. Although I know that your body can still act pregnant even if you are going to miscarry, we are praying that there will be no doubt in the doctor's mind that everything is okay and there are twins. Obviously, if there is nothing there we will still have to believe until I actually do miscarry, but for the sake of everyone here it would be wonderful to have it confirmed tomorrow. Lord I know it will all happen in your timing. We are nervous, but in a good way--hoping that science will reveal the truth and prove God's faithfulness to show the world He keeps His promises. I am very excited--I just can't wait, and people all over the world are praying. I'm just praying it will be easy for her to see, because she doesn't have much time."
"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matt. 10:31
May 21, 2008
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I'm so sorry I've been so focused on me, but I do know this is the faith journey You have me/us on. There are so many things going on in my head right now--I have no idea how we'll get ready for this move--by God's grace. There is a field of red poppies right by our house--every time I drive by them, it's almost as if God is saying "don't forget this time" since the symbolism of the flower is "never forget." I was looking at our Italian painting with the red poppies that will be in our new house--I will never forget driving by these every day--it will always remind me of this journey. It's been a faith journey since December 18. I am so humbled and brought to tears at how huge this whole thing is--God spoke that to me when Grace died--that this was something for the greater good--but I was thinking church and a few friends. Now with this miracle, it will touch believers in China, Beruit, New Hampshire, here, and around America. Oh Lord, let it be twins. And help us to communicate it with the rest of the world the way You want us to. Help me to believe and not doubt.
God You are amazing--that I can be going through something like this but actually be okay. You really do shelter us--I am sheltered by the Most High. Last night you brought me comfort in the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-54. "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God will received glory from this. Lazarus is dead. And for your sake I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me."
God is doing a mighty work of faith in many people--now I don't know when He'll reveal Himself.
Before I even found out I was pregnant, I sensed that I had a story to tell--but I didn't know it really wasn't finished."
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I'm so sorry I've been so focused on me, but I do know this is the faith journey You have me/us on. There are so many things going on in my head right now--I have no idea how we'll get ready for this move--by God's grace. There is a field of red poppies right by our house--every time I drive by them, it's almost as if God is saying "don't forget this time" since the symbolism of the flower is "never forget." I was looking at our Italian painting with the red poppies that will be in our new house--I will never forget driving by these every day--it will always remind me of this journey. It's been a faith journey since December 18. I am so humbled and brought to tears at how huge this whole thing is--God spoke that to me when Grace died--that this was something for the greater good--but I was thinking church and a few friends. Now with this miracle, it will touch believers in China, Beruit, New Hampshire, here, and around America. Oh Lord, let it be twins. And help us to communicate it with the rest of the world the way You want us to. Help me to believe and not doubt.
God You are amazing--that I can be going through something like this but actually be okay. You really do shelter us--I am sheltered by the Most High. Last night you brought me comfort in the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-54. "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God will received glory from this. Lazarus is dead. And for your sake I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me."
God is doing a mighty work of faith in many people--now I don't know when He'll reveal Himself.
Before I even found out I was pregnant, I sensed that I had a story to tell--but I didn't know it really wasn't finished."
May 20, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I am so overwhelmed today--there is so much to do and I am getting so tired from the pregnancy. I need your help and grace to get everything done. Lord, I'm sorry my prayers have been so focused on me and my situation. Lord, I want a miracle so badly, but I guess I'm not sure if we'll see it by May 30. This morning I was encouraged by a woman on the misdiagnosed miscarriage website who had lower hormone levels and gave birth to a healthy girl. She also said that a tilted uterus often shows an earlier pregnancy.
I'm believing God!
I do hope that May 30 we will see twins.
Yesterday in one of my Bible studies we looked up some verses, and one was about God remembering Rachel and her giving birth to a son. My name is the same Hebrew for Rachel, so I was wondering. . .
God is a God of order and perfection--so many things have lined up so far.
"Lord I am so overwhelmed today--there is so much to do and I am getting so tired from the pregnancy. I need your help and grace to get everything done. Lord, I'm sorry my prayers have been so focused on me and my situation. Lord, I want a miracle so badly, but I guess I'm not sure if we'll see it by May 30. This morning I was encouraged by a woman on the misdiagnosed miscarriage website who had lower hormone levels and gave birth to a healthy girl. She also said that a tilted uterus often shows an earlier pregnancy.
I'm believing God!
I do hope that May 30 we will see twins.
Yesterday in one of my Bible studies we looked up some verses, and one was about God remembering Rachel and her giving birth to a son. My name is the same Hebrew for Rachel, so I was wondering. . .
God is a God of order and perfection--so many things have lined up so far.
May 19, 2008
I had made it through the weekend with no miscarriage--it was definitely hard to battle every twinge of pain with resolve to believe and keeping the faith until Monday. At this point I also knew that it could take 2 more weeks before my body recognizes the baby hasn't been growing before it decides to miscarry. But, I was holding on. We decided to set my next appointment for May 30. If I had not miscarried by then, my doctor was going to schedule me for a D&C the following Monday so I could recover before we moved back to the States June 10.
From my journal. . .
"The news wasn't exactly what we were hoping for--my hormone levels are rising but not at the rate they're supposed to. I was 13,000 on Thursday and 33,000 today when it should have been in the 50,000s. She said it was showing that I had an abnormal pregnancy and would probably still miscarry. It was hard to keep the faith for a little while, but I discovered a website that was very encouraging--called the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage (www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com). [There are stories of people who were also diagnosed with blighted ovums or told they were going to miscarry who gave birth to healthy babies. Some of them do end up miscarrying, but I only needed to hear 1 story to have hope.]
I hope that God does something very clear so that by the time May 30 comes around, there is no doubt that things are fine. [I didn't want there to be a baby there that she thought looked deformed or unable to survive]. Otherwise, I don't know how I'll convince her I still want to wait things out (she was worried about me miscarrying on the long flight back). I don't want to give up yet, but I also realize the longer it drags out, the harder it will be physically and emotionally."
Ps. 116:1-19
From my journal. . .
"The news wasn't exactly what we were hoping for--my hormone levels are rising but not at the rate they're supposed to. I was 13,000 on Thursday and 33,000 today when it should have been in the 50,000s. She said it was showing that I had an abnormal pregnancy and would probably still miscarry. It was hard to keep the faith for a little while, but I discovered a website that was very encouraging--called the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage (www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com). [There are stories of people who were also diagnosed with blighted ovums or told they were going to miscarry who gave birth to healthy babies. Some of them do end up miscarrying, but I only needed to hear 1 story to have hope.]
I hope that God does something very clear so that by the time May 30 comes around, there is no doubt that things are fine. [I didn't want there to be a baby there that she thought looked deformed or unable to survive]. Otherwise, I don't know how I'll convince her I still want to wait things out (she was worried about me miscarrying on the long flight back). I don't want to give up yet, but I also realize the longer it drags out, the harder it will be physically and emotionally."
Ps. 116:1-19
May 18, 2008
From my journal. . .
"God you have been with me ever since we got the news. Your hand has been working on so many people's hearts. I do feel like when I asked God to speak to me Thursday He said He had already spoken, which led me to believe that He was going to keep His promise of our babies in April and they would not die. People's faith is increasing as they pray for a miracle, so I know He who is able will do something beyond our comprehension or imagination. This morning I awoke with diarrhea so I didn't want to go to church. I read my faith verses and Romans 4 and started getting ready for church. Thankfully I was fine once I was there. Scott asked if we should stop by the office, and a good friend of ours got up the courage to tell us that his heart had been so burdened for us and that years ago he found out his spiritual gift was healing (through a spiritual gifts class/questionnaire). He felt like God was leading him to try out his gift, because he never had, and if it was okay with us he wanted to pray over me. I was so touched and encouraged and after that I told him God was going to honor him stepping out in boldness, because it was not easy for him. After I came home, I knew it was not possible to have any more doubt--God was going to heal our babies if he had led this man to step out in faith with his gift.
Having twins at this stage is an even bigger miracle than I ever imagined. Before this I was expecting twins, but now when we really find out, it is going to be huge! Lord, I just thank you for how You're increasing the faith of all of these people."
"God you have been with me ever since we got the news. Your hand has been working on so many people's hearts. I do feel like when I asked God to speak to me Thursday He said He had already spoken, which led me to believe that He was going to keep His promise of our babies in April and they would not die. People's faith is increasing as they pray for a miracle, so I know He who is able will do something beyond our comprehension or imagination. This morning I awoke with diarrhea so I didn't want to go to church. I read my faith verses and Romans 4 and started getting ready for church. Thankfully I was fine once I was there. Scott asked if we should stop by the office, and a good friend of ours got up the courage to tell us that his heart had been so burdened for us and that years ago he found out his spiritual gift was healing (through a spiritual gifts class/questionnaire). He felt like God was leading him to try out his gift, because he never had, and if it was okay with us he wanted to pray over me. I was so touched and encouraged and after that I told him God was going to honor him stepping out in boldness, because it was not easy for him. After I came home, I knew it was not possible to have any more doubt--God was going to heal our babies if he had led this man to step out in faith with his gift.
Having twins at this stage is an even bigger miracle than I ever imagined. Before this I was expecting twins, but now when we really find out, it is going to be huge! Lord, I just thank you for how You're increasing the faith of all of these people."
May 17, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Your Word says that if we ask in Your name and believe it has been completed, it will be done. Lord we continue to pray that Your work and Your glory be revealed with these babies. Jesus, we cry out to you for a miracle, and we believe you have the power to complete what You promised--redeeming and restoring what was lost with Grace.
I was feeling less strong this morning, and God reminded me of Abraham and Isaac, and how God had promised many nations through Isaac, but then God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Abraham believed that promise would be fulfilled somehow, so he trusted God up to the last minute when God provided a different sacrifice.
I have to believe the dream He gave me and the little things that keep happening--I got home from the doctor, and the internet page headline was "Faith in God." Just before we went to the doctor I had read Scott all of the promises. Lord please strengthen his faith. Thank you for keeping me strong.
The same Jesus who healed a blind man--he was blind from birth so that God's glory would be revealed--is the same Jesus today who does miracles. Lord please increase Scott's faith. God, guard his mind from doubt and confusion.
I can't thank You enough for giving us so many people praying in faith. You are our healer and redeemer. Lord protect me from fear."
"Your Word says that if we ask in Your name and believe it has been completed, it will be done. Lord we continue to pray that Your work and Your glory be revealed with these babies. Jesus, we cry out to you for a miracle, and we believe you have the power to complete what You promised--redeeming and restoring what was lost with Grace.
I was feeling less strong this morning, and God reminded me of Abraham and Isaac, and how God had promised many nations through Isaac, but then God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Abraham believed that promise would be fulfilled somehow, so he trusted God up to the last minute when God provided a different sacrifice.
I have to believe the dream He gave me and the little things that keep happening--I got home from the doctor, and the internet page headline was "Faith in God." Just before we went to the doctor I had read Scott all of the promises. Lord please strengthen his faith. Thank you for keeping me strong.
The same Jesus who healed a blind man--he was blind from birth so that God's glory would be revealed--is the same Jesus today who does miracles. Lord please increase Scott's faith. God, guard his mind from doubt and confusion.
I can't thank You enough for giving us so many people praying in faith. You are our healer and redeemer. Lord protect me from fear."
More Testing. . .
May 15, 2008
We went in for the first check-up at the doctor, and she said the ultrasound looked like a 4.5 week old instead of a 6.5 week baby. She should have seen a heartbeat. She said they would run some bloodwork for the hormone levels, and if my levels were those of a 4.5 weeker, we would just assume my dates are off. She called me a couple of hours later, and my hormone levels were that of a 6.5 week old baby--and I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum--basically an empty gestational sac with no baby--the embryo had stopped growing. She said I would most likely miscarry over the weekend or I could take a pill to speed up the process; or I could just wait. Instantly, my mind thought, well if the baby has already died, (and we're assuming it would have died 2 weeks ago) then taking the pill made sense so I didn't have to wait for the miscarriage. Then, I thought "of course I'll wait it out!--in the event that God wants to do something amazing, I do not want to get in the way of Him healing this baby." I had the courage to ask if my hormone levels might be high if I'm having twins, and she said it is only a 1% chance--that was enough to give me hope, though. I also asked her if I could come back Monday to have my hormone levels checked again, so I could see if they were on their way down (showing I was about to miscarry) or where they were at.
This was all hard news to hear--I basically told people that the doctor didn't expect our baby to live, because until I started bleeding, I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay. The reality of my faith lesson became even more real--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." The scientific evidence was there on the ultrasound and hormone level, but I knew God was bigger than any of it and had the power to give life.
Nicole was incredible this day--she immediately gave me confidence that this was not over--God had promised this baby, and we weren't giving up!
From my journal. . .
"Today the doctor told us that our baby will not live so I've been through a lot of emotions. Right now, even though it's crazy, I am believing God that this pregnancy is not over.
from Nicole: Isaiah 59:21, Ps 30:6-12
Lord I pray you make science wrong. Lord You knew this appointment would happen today so I know You are not surprised. Be near oh, God. I want to hear from You. Immediately I felt like God was saying "I have spoken before" so I was reminded of the last things He had spoken to me and everything leading up to this pregnancy.
I don't want to have little faith. He has given me Ps 111 the last few days.
Ps. 112:7 "He (a righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Ps 113--from the rising of the sun to the setting of it "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
He is not a God of broken promises.
Heb 10:23 "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
Ps 34: 1-10
"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears.". .
Lord, set me free from fears and help me to trust You each day until Monday. Anything is possible if a person believes God.
Rom 4:18 "Against all hope Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
{A verse I had forgotten about in my believing God study that has become my theme verse}
Lord, thank you for the believers You have surrounded us with to pray in faith that our baby/babies would be healed. Jesus, thank you that you hear our prayers. I just can't seem to believe that God would promise a fake pregnancy and have me give a testimony in front of church Sunday just to come back the next week and take it all back. [of course, I do not want to presume to know the mind of God, and sometimes He does things we don't understand, but I did believe He was in the business of increasing people's faith, not tearing it down.]
Lord, we cry out to you and others who are interceding for us that everything will work out. I pray it's Your will for this to be a viable pregnancy."
We went in for the first check-up at the doctor, and she said the ultrasound looked like a 4.5 week old instead of a 6.5 week baby. She should have seen a heartbeat. She said they would run some bloodwork for the hormone levels, and if my levels were those of a 4.5 weeker, we would just assume my dates are off. She called me a couple of hours later, and my hormone levels were that of a 6.5 week old baby--and I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum--basically an empty gestational sac with no baby--the embryo had stopped growing. She said I would most likely miscarry over the weekend or I could take a pill to speed up the process; or I could just wait. Instantly, my mind thought, well if the baby has already died, (and we're assuming it would have died 2 weeks ago) then taking the pill made sense so I didn't have to wait for the miscarriage. Then, I thought "of course I'll wait it out!--in the event that God wants to do something amazing, I do not want to get in the way of Him healing this baby." I had the courage to ask if my hormone levels might be high if I'm having twins, and she said it is only a 1% chance--that was enough to give me hope, though. I also asked her if I could come back Monday to have my hormone levels checked again, so I could see if they were on their way down (showing I was about to miscarry) or where they were at.
This was all hard news to hear--I basically told people that the doctor didn't expect our baby to live, because until I started bleeding, I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay. The reality of my faith lesson became even more real--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." The scientific evidence was there on the ultrasound and hormone level, but I knew God was bigger than any of it and had the power to give life.
Nicole was incredible this day--she immediately gave me confidence that this was not over--God had promised this baby, and we weren't giving up!
From my journal. . .
"Today the doctor told us that our baby will not live so I've been through a lot of emotions. Right now, even though it's crazy, I am believing God that this pregnancy is not over.
from Nicole: Isaiah 59:21, Ps 30:6-12
Lord I pray you make science wrong. Lord You knew this appointment would happen today so I know You are not surprised. Be near oh, God. I want to hear from You. Immediately I felt like God was saying "I have spoken before" so I was reminded of the last things He had spoken to me and everything leading up to this pregnancy.
I don't want to have little faith. He has given me Ps 111 the last few days.
Ps. 112:7 "He (a righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Ps 113--from the rising of the sun to the setting of it "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
He is not a God of broken promises.
Heb 10:23 "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
Ps 34: 1-10
"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears.". .
Lord, set me free from fears and help me to trust You each day until Monday. Anything is possible if a person believes God.
Rom 4:18 "Against all hope Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
{A verse I had forgotten about in my believing God study that has become my theme verse}
Lord, thank you for the believers You have surrounded us with to pray in faith that our baby/babies would be healed. Jesus, thank you that you hear our prayers. I just can't seem to believe that God would promise a fake pregnancy and have me give a testimony in front of church Sunday just to come back the next week and take it all back. [of course, I do not want to presume to know the mind of God, and sometimes He does things we don't understand, but I did believe He was in the business of increasing people's faith, not tearing it down.]
Lord, we cry out to you and others who are interceding for us that everything will work out. I pray it's Your will for this to be a viable pregnancy."
May 10, 2008 Mother's Day Eve
Saturday evening before Mother's Day. . .
From my journal. . .
"I remember waking up the morning after our baby died and just wailing, not only for Day 1: Life II, but for what I was to go through. God was with me through everything--healing me after the procedure and miraculously healing my heart. Yes, I felt like He was blessing me amidst the grief. Lord, I feel like I have a testimony of Your goodness, but I don't know how much to share for church. There are so many truths about You I learned through this:
From my journal. . .
"I remember waking up the morning after our baby died and just wailing, not only for Day 1: Life II, but for what I was to go through. God was with me through everything--healing me after the procedure and miraculously healing my heart. Yes, I felt like He was blessing me amidst the grief. Lord, I feel like I have a testimony of Your goodness, but I don't know how much to share for church. There are so many truths about You I learned through this:
- Your deep love for those who are hurting
- Your timing is perfect--time comes to You
- You do turn ashes to beauty and give us hope
It's been such a faith journey, and I am so completely thankful that I'm pregnant, and at the same time I am so stunned. Mother's Day tomorrow is only sad if I do not choose to believe and hope in God's promise of our twins."
[I spent an hour this evening trying to prepare a testimony for church--I wanted to let people know the news but also summarize how amazing it all was--not just that I was pregnant, but how God had fulfilled His promise. I felt like there was too much to say, so I decided to just tell people one on one and prayed that God would lead me to tell whoever I should tell, and then maybe Wednesday I would tell the whole story to our small group. Scott and I were leading the music in the morning, and I knew that many people in church would be worried about my emotions since it was going to be Mother's Day. When I awoke Sunday morning, I breathed a prayer that if God wanted me to give a testimony to just work it into the morning and speak the words He wanted me to say--I knew there was a lot already on the schedule.
There was a MOPS presentation in which they gave all of the ladies of the church flowers in honor of Mother's Day. I had that sense that people were watching me to see if I was okay--I knew people were deeply concerned. Shortly after the presentation, a dear lady from our small group walked over in front of us and asked "Is there something you're not telling us?" of course I told her "yes" and then she started crying and praising God, and of course, I always cry if someone else is, so I started crying. Then I looked at Scott and said, I'm going to have to go up there now and give a testimony, because I knew that everyone in the church would think I was crying because I was upset. I don't really remember what all I said, but I did briefly mention how God had miraculously healed me emotionally and that I felt like He was promising me to get pregnant soon with twins. I encouraged others to keep believing God and having faith, and then ended by saying that this Mother's Day, I am a mother-to-be. So it was very exciting and I knew God had wanted it that way. Bonnie said that they could just tell by looking at me, so she had to come ask :)]
May 8, 2008
The first couple of days after the positive pregnancy test I had no fear or doubts, because I was in such awe about how God had fulfilled His promise. I wasn't concerned at all about a miscarriage, because I believed if God had promised this baby/babies, there was nothing to worry about. Then, this day it seemed like I was under attack, and literally every 5 minutes I was having these thoughts pop in my head "you don't know this baby is going to live" and things like that-I had to constantly refute them that if God was going to take the time to reveal that I would be pregnant at this time, that it wasn't going to die
From my journal. . .
"Oh Lord, You have done this marvelous work, but Satan wants to mess with my mind. Some hours it is such a fight to not be concerned about this pregnancy, and I constantly have to remind myself that God promised this baby (these babies). Lord, clothe my mind in Your truth. Protect these babies from harm.
Lord help me to not be like the Israelites who only finally believed your promises after they had crossed the Red Sea. Help me to continue to trust now--from now until the next 34 weeks. It is truly an amazing gift you have given us. Help me not to wonder if this is Your will for me to carry these babies full-term. Help me to always trust that these babies are the twins You've promised. I don't know why it's so hard to trust now that the promise is fulfilled."
From my journal. . .
"Oh Lord, You have done this marvelous work, but Satan wants to mess with my mind. Some hours it is such a fight to not be concerned about this pregnancy, and I constantly have to remind myself that God promised this baby (these babies). Lord, clothe my mind in Your truth. Protect these babies from harm.
Lord help me to not be like the Israelites who only finally believed your promises after they had crossed the Red Sea. Help me to continue to trust now--from now until the next 34 weeks. It is truly an amazing gift you have given us. Help me not to wonder if this is Your will for me to carry these babies full-term. Help me to always trust that these babies are the twins You've promised. I don't know why it's so hard to trust now that the promise is fulfilled."
May 6, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I am still in awe that I'm actually pregnant, and I am so excited for the future--sometimes I can't believe it. I am so at peace with this pregnancy--it's so different than the last one, because I know what I can eat, etc. and what the feelings mean. I just trust they are twin boys, but I am aware this might not be the timing for that. Although, there's no reason it wouldn't be based on everything God spoke. Mary and Elizabeth knew in the Bible, even without technology, because God spoke to them.
I am just so overwhelmed with thankfulness and awe. I do have to choose to not be fearful of a miscarriage."
"I am still in awe that I'm actually pregnant, and I am so excited for the future--sometimes I can't believe it. I am so at peace with this pregnancy--it's so different than the last one, because I know what I can eat, etc. and what the feelings mean. I just trust they are twin boys, but I am aware this might not be the timing for that. Although, there's no reason it wouldn't be based on everything God spoke. Mary and Elizabeth knew in the Bible, even without technology, because God spoke to them.
I am just so overwhelmed with thankfulness and awe. I do have to choose to not be fearful of a miscarriage."
May 4, 2008
From my journal. . .
"This morning my pregnancy test was positive. It's hard to believe it's really true even though I thought that's what God was speaking. I took a test a couple of days ago, and it was negative, but I kept belieivng and hoping. God is so amazing--I am in awe that He gave us this incredible gift."
[I remember taking the test and believing it was going to be positive, because when I awoke, I just knew I was pregnant. When I actually saw the results, it validated that God had said I would conceive April 14. That was pretty amazing for both Scott and I to understand. I was really nervous and excited to tell my parents, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Thankfully we were on a long drive into France that day, so I could tell them everything before they went back to the States the next day.]
"This morning my pregnancy test was positive. It's hard to believe it's really true even though I thought that's what God was speaking. I took a test a couple of days ago, and it was negative, but I kept belieivng and hoping. God is so amazing--I am in awe that He gave us this incredible gift."
[I remember taking the test and believing it was going to be positive, because when I awoke, I just knew I was pregnant. When I actually saw the results, it validated that God had said I would conceive April 14. That was pretty amazing for both Scott and I to understand. I was really nervous and excited to tell my parents, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Thankfully we were on a long drive into France that day, so I could tell them everything before they went back to the States the next day.]
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