April 25

Today is Grace's due date.  I honestly don't think about it as much as I do her "birthdate."  I remember that first year being pretty nervous about how I would feel and disappointed that I really wasn't delivering a baby, but we were in Holland at the time, and I appreciated that I would be missing out on the beauty of the tulips if I had just had a baby.  Probably what gets me more (still) is seeing other little girls born around April 25, 2008 and thinking about Anna having an older sister and what she really would have been like.  My brain can't wrap my head around that.  At the time I was sad and remembering and thinking what would have been, but I had such hope that I would be pregnant soon (if not already at that moment).  I remember feeling emotionally ready that weekend and telling my husband I would be ready to be pregnant again.  And if you go back and read 2008, you know the rest of the story :)  It turns out I was pregnant but wouldn't find out for another week or so.  Then Anna was born 5 weeks early on the day I think Grace died.  I write all this to give you all hope and courage.  The pain does lessen as the years go by.  Of course, you never forget; and you have a scar, but there is healing and peace in time.
That next pregnancy is hard--I always say I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I was so thrilled to be pregnant again, but then we were told I would miscarry Anna.  So it was a difficult first 3 weeks.  After we saw she was alive, days before the scheduled D&C, I still struggled with the reality that I could lose her.  Sometimes I would cry that I did not want to go to the doctor for my appointment, because I didn't want to have to go through finding out her heartbeat had stopped.  It was a long 35 weeks!  That fear is hard to battle in the next pregnancy, but when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, the fear was still there but not as strong.  Her pregnancy was drama-free, so it was almost strange for me :)  I never took for granted one day that I was pregnant with Grace; somehow I always knew how fragile pregnancy is, and since it was my first pregancy, I didn't know how my body would handle it.  But I relaxed after the first trimester, and it never entered my mind that she would die in utero.  I, like many people, was ignorant about genetic mutations and how they relate to miscarriage/stillbirth.  Now every time someone announces she is pregnant I am always thinking about it with caution.  You can't help it!  You know the possibilities.  But, most of the time, everything turns out fine.  I feel fortunate to have only endured one loss.  I know so many have been through multiple losses, and I cannot imagine that.  I am unbelievably thankful for our girls.  For those of you out there who are also going through infertility, know I don't ever take them for granted.  I pray an extra dose of grace for you as you sort through 2 griefs.  There is hope; somehow, someday, you will be a mommy!

http://www.rachellebelievinggod.blogspot.com/2008/08/pictures.html

The post from April 2008

"Held" by Natalie Grant

This song is for those of you who have lost a child (or any loved one).  Natalie Grant "Held."

video with lyrics:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw&feature=related

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Hello to Kelly's Korner friends. . .

I want to welcome everyone from Kelly's Korner blog, although somehow those words don't sound right.  Maybe because the topic is "Moms who have lost children."  When I sit and think about all of you who have lost children--that you long to see their faces, talk to them, and hold them closely, it breaks my heart.  I cannot imagine that kind of pain.  I am so sorry.  All I can say is that in my relatively short life and the pain I have seen and felt, God is close to the brokenhearted.  Trust that even if you don't feel it right now.  I pray that you will feel His love so close in a very personal way.
I have lost a child in utero--and while I never knew her, I was her mommy for 22 weeks, and I never took her for granted.  In one of my previous posts I mention that I found comfort in her knowing my voice but not knowing this harsh world.  I can sympathize (not quite empathize) with all of the dreams that you had for your child/with your child and how those can end so abruptly and out of our control.  How in a second our whole lives change forever.  We see the world differently than most.  We think of Heaven differently than most.  Our souls have a depth that many cannot tap into--the strength and courage it takes to survive this kind of loss.  We would do anything to still have that beating heart.
So today, I don't live in fear, but I do understand how precious life is, and how quickly it can all change.  And for the 2 girls and husband I have today, I know very well that something could happen tomorrow, and I cherish each moment--soaking in each time I look them in the eyes and snuggle their faces.
May you always have a special memory/memories of your children that keeps them close to you in your hearts.  And may the rest of us keep talking about them to keep their memories alive.

Storms of Life

We as a family are at a peaceful point in our lives.  The girls are 18 months and 3 years old now (hard to believe!) so this is a really fun time.  I am relishing it, because I know the terrible twos are only a couple of months away.  But I am fully aware of all of the storms that rage around us right now in other families.  Families with miscarriages.  Families waiting to adopt. Families battling cancer in their children or their wife/mother of young children.  Families waiting for their son to awaken--he was in a car accident almost 2 weeks ago and had brain swelling. And so they wait, hope and cry, and try to find a way to live in their reality while the world goes 'round.
I wanted to highlight two websites of these families who are experiencing these storms.  I think no matter what you are going through, their stories of hope, grief, anger, and God sheltering them will encourage you.  I also am greatly aware that our time of peace could come to an end at a moment's notice, so I do not take it for granted!  Take a moment to read their stories.  In Tanner's Caringbridge post today, his father reflects on childbirth as compared to waiting for their 13-year-old son to come back to them.  I thought it was poignant for what this blog is about.  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tannerunderwood (journal entry from April 5 Moans and Groans).  And the story of Clayton, who is 6 battling cancer, and the amazing moment that happened for him and his mom--you don't want to miss it.  Their encounter is the reality of what Easter and the resurrection are all about--Jesus is alive, and his spirit (the Holy Spirit we were given after Jesus' death and resurrection) is among us in a very real and supernatural way at the same time. This stuff is real.  http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012/04/divine-appointments.html?spref=fb
Tomorrow is Good Friday.  Good Friday is good because Jesus loves you, He died for you and all of our sin to make a way for us to spend eternity with Him and have a relationship with Him here on earth.  It's hard to describe the vast, overwhelmingness of what He accomplished Good Friday.  But the story doesn't end with Friday.  3 days later He arose from the dead.   This really happened--if you want proof, leave me a comment or e-mail me and I can direct you there.  If you're not sure whether you believe any of this, pray to God and ask Him to show Himself to you.  This video might be how you're feeling, and like Clayton and his mom experienced, God knew his thoughts and fears and met him where he was. http://www.namb.net/namb1cbvideo.aspx?id=8589936129
"Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death" Matt Maher