It's So Hard to Say Good-bye to Yesterday

Last night was one of those nights I didn't want to go to sleep.  I could still say I had seen Pepper that morning, stroked her fur and looked into her eyes.  I knew once I went to sleep, I would awaken to the days without her completely.  I'm sure anyone who has lost someone or a pet knows what I'm talking about.  Even though I was completely prepared for her death and had hoped she would die peacefully in her sleep Monday night, I feel kind of surreal today.  I knew I did not want her to go through one more night of potentially struggling to breathe, but then I would be fooled by her moments of sleeping peacefully and still following me around like a puppy.  Even when Scott took her in yesterday morning to be put to sleep, he said she got out of the car all excited.  Scott had explained to our vet we would be okay bringing her back the next day, if he thought we were even one day too soon.  The vet observed her for a little while and noticed her struggling to breathe at times and said he felt like it was time.
I am not heartbroken like with the loss of a person, but my heart is definitely aching, and I sort of feel sick to my stomach sometimes.  I do feel like crying occasionally, but I got most of that out yesterday. 
Putting Anna to bed tonight made me really sad.  (last night we had a babysitter put the girls to bed, because we had a function).  Our routine is that I turn off the lights and sing "Jesus Loves Me."  Then I tell Anna good-night and have to call Pepper out of the room so I can close the door.  Sometimes she's laying there right next to me while I sing, and sometimes she's across the room, but she was ALWAYS there.  Pepper never let me get out of her sight.  Even if she had just gotten herself comfortable, if I left the room to go get something, she would be coming right behind me.  Now that she was older, it would take her a minute or two to discover I was gone, because her hearing was not as keen as it had been.  I put Anna to bed most nights, so Pepper was always a part of it--waiting in the playroom while we brushed teeth, then moving to Anna's room and listening to the books I would read, and hearing me sing "Jesus Loves Me."  Sometimes she would come over to try to snuggle us.  Tonight I was very aware that her presence was not there, and I especially got sad when I left the room and did not have to call her to come out.  It was always "I love you, Anna; have a good sleep; come on Pepper."  She would have immediately followed me into the TV room, and gotten herself comfortable while I typed this.  But not tonight or from now on.  I know we can get another dog in the future, but I am sure that dog will be attached to one of the girls, hopefully the same way Pepper was attached to me.
Like I said, it's very surreal right now, because we spent 10 years together--we got her less than 5 months after we got married, and she was 2.5.  Always the polite dog--she would stand outside at an open door with her paw raised, waiting for you to say it was okay to come in.  Even when she was outside, she would position herself to look in the windows.  Those eyes were always on me--Pepper didn't like crowds, but she would force herself into the middle just to be able to see me :)  Part Doberman, part Lab, she was calm but playful, smart and tidy, with a ferocious growl and deep bark that would often scare people when she was trying to play and talk to you.   I was telling Scott yesterday that her death brings up so many of the hard times we had together--she was there through them all and has seen me shed many tears.  It was so comforting to have her to hold and hug every night while Scott was deployed for 13 months.  Now we begin our next phase of life without her.  I always wondered what that would be like, and we are so fortunate she was so healthy until the end.  It was maddening to know her body was otherwise healthy, but the cancerous tumor was taking over her throat and nose.  My mind is the type to always daydream about what the end might be like so I can be better prepared.  But now looking back, my stomach just churns when I think about saying good-bye in those last moments--that the time had really come.  I struggled with knowing the difference between "killing" her prematurely and putting her to sleep before she got too miserable.  It was so hard to tell with her, because she truly was so happy just to be in the same room with me.  This probably concealed her pain more than I'd like to know, and for that I am grateful that she didn't have to get to the point of constant suffering.
I love her and miss her!  It was sweet when Scott loaded her into the car yesterday morning.  Anna said "Is Daddy taking Pepper to Heaven?"  I said "yes."  Sweet words from a 3-year-old.

Hard

Life is so good and so hard all at the same time.  The past couple of weeks there are people who have been heavy on my heart, because of the unimaginable loss they have been through.  There is a young mom of 3 here who battled cancer for a little over a year, and she passed away a couple of weeks ago.  I did not know her--just followed her story, because my friends were close to her.  My heart breaks for her husband and 3 kids.  And I can only imagine as a mom how hard that is to know you are leaving your babies and husband--although you know the amazing glory you have ahead of you, I cannot imagine the emotions she went through while she suffered pain and illness and wanted to make the most of her last moments with her family.  From what you can see, she trusted God every step of the way, never complained, always put her hope in the Lord, and remained strong for her family until the end.  I cannot imagine the glories she has seen and experienced the past couple of weeks.  You can watch a video she made 6 weeks before she passed away.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3r6v7jOUSr8
Again, there are others who have lost mothers this week.  And others who have lost husbands.  It seems like it never ends.  I feel like I was writing a post like this a couple of years ago, because there was such much loss around me.  I was struck with grief when I saw that another young mom lost her husband this past weekend.  His funeral service is today.  Again, I do not know them personally, but their story just resonates with me.  I can only imagine through what I experienced alongside Nicole, who lost her husband while having a young baby, the enormous shock and pain Julee is experiencing and grief for her baby girl who has lost her father.  You can see this video about Matt.
http://nwahomepage.com/fulltext?nxd_id=371742
Kelly from Kelly's Korner has written a good post to sum up some of the same things I have been thinking http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/2012/10/hard.html
What I've realized--we need God more than ever now to be a balm for our broken hearts, to give us strength to get up every day, and to help us not be fearful that we will lose those close to us.  We need the hope of Heaven--I do not understand why He is calling so many people home, but I do think more than ever our thoughts are Heavenward now--hopefully our focus has shifted away from earthly things and more toward what is eternal as we think of those who have gone before us.  Hopefully we are focused less on ourselves and will try to make a dent in helping the hurting around us, whether this is the orphan or widow.

Mindy from Dallas

As I said before, I'm derailing from my usual topics of grief and losing a baby to join Kelly's Korner to show of my amazing single friends :)

Mindy lives in Dallas, and she discipled me while I was in college (We met once a week, and she would pray with me and encourage me in my faith).  I really looked up to her as a spiritual mentor--she is bold, loves the Lord, and has a heart for the Nations.  She has great administrative skills and is also great with people--not afraid to make new friends.  While we were in Germany, she was doing mission work in the Middle East.  I loved when she would come stay with us while she renewed her Visa--it was a treat to get to hear about the amazing things God was doing among her and her friends.  Needless to say, she has a great understanding of world events and other cultures. 

Mindy has a radiant, fun personality.  She is easy-going, a great listener, a loyal friend, well-spoken, wise, not afraid to try new things, and she is close to her nieces.  She is active and also enjoys going to sporting events--especially Ranger games.  And since she's originally from California, it's still in her blood--she loves the beach, sunshine, convertibles and a good glass of wine. :)

You have to meet her!   Leave me a comment or send me an e-mail at Rachelle@cradled.org if you would like to get in touch with her.

Heather from Chicago

Today I am completely derailing from my usual topics regarding grief, loss of a baby or other deep thoughts :)  I am linking up with Kelly's Korner, because I have 2 amazing friends that I want to show off.

Heather with her family (on left)

Heather with her brother

Heather is from Chicago.  We met a few years ago after I had graduated from college and instantly became friends after being forced into doing a skit for the singles retreat.  I have such great memories of that year we spent together in Charleston, SC, and I really found a true friend in Heather.  She now lives in Chicago, and we still keep in touch and get to see each other fairly often.
She is wise and thoughtful with a bit of a dreamer inside, COMPASSIONATE, adventurous--I have fun memories of mountain biking and ballroom/swing dancing--and during that time she helped out the children's ministry at a church with low-income families.  She enjoys and appreciates all kinds of music and arts.  We could turn on the silliness, but at the same time I love calling her for deep conversations.  She is caring, loves the Lord, has a sweet demeaner, loves to laugh, and comes from a great family.  She is not afraid to try something out of her comfort zone!

She wants you to know that she enjoys running, biking, dancing, cooking, photography and would prefer to be active than watching a lot of TV.  :)

She would love to meet a Godly man who desires to serve the Lord and do the adventure of life together.

You've got to meet her!  She is gold!  Leave me a comment or e-mail rachelle@cradled.org if you are interested in getting to know her better!

Heather running a half marathon

Nona's Girl

I really don't have words for today.  So I don't even know why I'm writing a blog post, but I feel like I just have to sit down and write.  This post is more for me than for you--I just don't have the energy to pick up a pen and write in my journal.  It's been a long week of waiting (moreso for my friend than for me).  Her 23 week old baby had Trisomy 18 and had conditions that were incompatible with life.  As I have said before, it's not enough to lose a baby, but what you have to go through to get the baby out makes it even worse.  She had wanted Cradled to be there to help take care of the baby after she is born and to take pictures to remember her by.  The difference this time is that we were friends before Cradled was even part of my life, so I would have been there, regardless.  The other reason I felt like I needed to be there, was because her mom had passed away a year and a half ago, so she wouldn't be able to be with her.  No one should go through this alone.  So, we had a hospital chaplain friend who had also lost her mother, me who also lost a baby to Trisomy 18, and my Cradled friend Rachel to take the pictures (who had also taken this family's pictures before).  (and of course, her husband).
All of the fears that I had during my experience were the same fears she was having--having to lay in a hospital bed for potentially 3 days, knowing full well why you were there and dreading what was to come.  She checked in to the hospital yesterday afternoon to be dilated and begin the pitocin.  So, Rachel, Sarah and I rushed there last night to keep her company as we waited.  In spite of the situation, we were able to have some good conversation and pass the time.  Once the doctor said she was only dilated to a 1, I decided to go home to get some sleep.  We left knowing that she was about to get an epidural and the last one of us left once she was asleep for the night.  This morning I dropped the girls off and stopped by again.  The doctor checked and by noon he said she would deliver later today (we were all relieved that it would not take long for her sake!).  At this point I had to leave for a couple of errands and picked up the girls.  I had planned to go back to the hosptial tonight whenever Scott came home.  At 3:10 my friends called and said she would deliver in an hour and not more than 2.  I scurried around to find a place to drop off the girls, and at the last second a friend called back that she would be home.  I ran the girls there and made it to the hospital at 4:10.  We were talking and all the sudden my friend made a face and said she felt something really weird.  She checked, and yes, the baby was coming.
Baby girl had problems, but she was beautiful.  It was all so surreal; but yet I will never forget it.  There were some beautiful moments--borderline holy moments.  But I've already forgotten a lot, because it was such a blur.  We had no idea what to expect or the right way to bathe her delicate skin, but we figured it out as we went along.   Once all of the nurses and staff had left, we put her in a diaper and the prettiest blanket.  There was a lot of peace.  We sang a blessing, and I could see that mother's love in my friend's eyes and for a brief moment some smiles as she lovingly looked at her little girl.
No mother should ever have to deliver a stillborn.  But it happens.  The rest of us can leave the hospital and go back to our lives--although our hearts and minds are forever changed from seeing this precious, tiny, sleeping baby.  My friend will awaken tomorrow to suddenly not being pregnant anymore and doing the hardest thing--leaving the hospital without a baby after going through labor.  Then all the awkward questions start from innocent people--"how many children do you have?"  Praying that the Lord showers them with His love.  Lord, we need you, as so many are suffering around us.

You Were There

This song by Avalon gets me every time.  I cannot get to the end of it without tears streaming down my face.  Part of it is tied to the fact that I first heard the song while Scott was in Iraq, in the midst of danger, but also how God got me through emotionally.  No matter what your situation, it speaks to God's grace to help you through it.  David must have been so afraid when he faced the giant, Goliath, but God gave him power in his swing.  When Abraham faced obedience that didn't make sense (being told to sacrifice his son), God provided calm faith and a solution that kept God's promise to Abraham and spared his son.  As the song says, He is there in the midst of danger's snare and when things seem unclear.  Jesus is the risen Lamb of God, and with that, we can get through anything, because He provided a way for us to have relationship with Him--in our weaknesses and trials, we can cry out to Him, and He will love us and help us have strength and peace to get through it.

the only good video I could find was a live version, but it's good :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvgwrTf08G4

You Were There by Avalon
I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb

'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath

You were there, You were there
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God

You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God

Something smells good up there. . .

Pepper's (our dog) tumor in her mouth is still growing pretty rapidly toward the back of her throat.  I am getting more nervous about the end--will I awaken one morning and she won't be breathing anymore?  Will I come home and she won't come out to greet me?  Will we have to put her to sleep?  Will I hold her when she takes her last breath after the shot, or will I say my final good-bye before hand?  (any experiences you want to share regarding this will be appreciated as I decide what to do in this scenario) The night before last was the first time I really started having a hard time letting go.  I'm glad I have the chance to prepare for it, but as fast as the tumor is growing, it seems that it could be soon.  Then I think--"it could be a few months before it makes her sick enough to take her life."  She seems so normal right now that the more I pet her and talk to her, the more I begin to miss her as I imagine this might be the last day I feel her soft, warm fur closely anymore.  Sigh.  She seems to be constantly by my side these days, too, so I will notice her absence even more than when I was busy with a newborn and she kind of stayed in the background.  The good thing about pets is that you can always get yourself reattached to another one. . .but I don't like it that we really are at the end for her. 

The first pic today is kind of funny.  In Germany, we almost always took her to restaurants if we walked from our house, and if we drove somewhere out of town, it was a nice way for her to be out of the hotel room for the evening.  She usually stayed under the table (just two of us back then, so she had the other two spots to herself).  Most of the time the server did not even know she was there, and we made a point to never feed her directly from the table.  So, this particular meal, it was quite funny.  You can see Scott just received his plate of sausage and is using the hand sanitizer--suddenly a black nose is poking her way up, forcing her way through his legs.  We got quite a laugh since she stays so quiet :)  mmm-mmm.  smelled something good up there. . .

Then the day we all 3 moved to Germany--flying out of DFW.  We had so much to learn, and we had no idea what our house would look like.  Our possessions would arrive a couple of months later (made you realize what you really can live without).  It was definitely a journey into the unknown (although I had at least taken German at Baylor).

Our 1200 square foot apartment with government furniture

Scott and Pepper strolling through one of our favorite towns--Rothenberg



Luke Lives On

I had to share about an organization if you have not heard about it.  We at www.Cradled.org have been working closely with one of our local hospitals to ensure that the women and families who experience the loss of a baby have support and encouragement the minute they enter the hospital.  (We are waiting on approval from the other hospital).  Providence has partnered with the organization Luke Lives On to provide each family who is leaving the hospital empty handed with a box of gifts and things for grief support.  Lisa Hayes is the founder of Luke Lives On close by here in Austin, Texas.  After the loss of her son, Luke, she made it her mission to reach out to other grieving families.  Her work is priceless!  You can sponsor a box, and each family who gives a box will receive a note when it has been passed on to another family.  Please check out her website www.lukeliveson.org  We were shown inside the boxes last week after we met with nurses to discuss what Cradled has to offer.  All of us were deeply touched and thankful that these women and families will have something to hold that will hopefully bring them comfort on their journey of grief.

The Well-Traveled Dog

Our dog Pepper has cancer covering a large portion of the roof of her mouth, so we don't know how much time we have left with her.  She seems to be doing great right now, but I am a little fearful each week if she will take a turn for the worse.  I am posting pics of her/our travels abroad while we were stationed in Heidelberg, Germany. This is the third post in this series.  Pepper likes to be the Alpha dog whenever another lady dog is around.  She is very protective of her house if another female dog comes in.  (she's so sweet and calm you would never know this about her, but she's got some Doberman in her).  A neighbor's German shepherd stopped by and got her on top of the head and around the neck.  I checked her neck out afterwards, and she seemed fine.  A couple of hours later, Pepper kept putting her head in our laps, and suddenly I noticed she had a small hole on top of her head.  Poor girl probably had some kind of headache, but it was particularly interesting how she kept trying to show us.  Thankfully Scott had some suture kits left over from Iraq and proceeded to sew her up.  Ironically, she is often not very trusting of Scott, but the whole time he was fixing her, she kept her head so still in his lap and completely knew he was helping her.  You can see no one had to hold her down.  I just thought this was a cute pic of our nephew "helping" :)

this was the first time she had ever been in snow--Kandersteg, Switzerland.  It was also the first place I ever snow skiied :) She went crazy running through this winter wonderland. 



Neuschwanstein Castle

 

We walked up to the doors of Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany, and Scott was "carrying me away."  Pepper was barking and playing along

Cochem Castle

Pepper actually got to go inside the Cochem castle.  This cute little town is along the Mosel river in Germany.  You can see the castle overlooking, and then Pepper is relaxing inside the dining room during our guided tour.  The last one is the vineyards that were just up the hill from the little village we lived in outside of Heidelberg. I miss those walks!  Tune in again later for some more!

Nussloch Vineyards

"Breakthrough"

I know I promised more pics of Pepper--we've had guests, so I did not get to it today--I still will--sorry about that!  However, I have something better to share.  Please read this amazing post.  I mentioned Tanner awhile back--a 14-year-old who was in a car accident and experienced severe brain trauma on March 23.  I have been reading about his journey, and this post from his parents just seems amazing in light of what he's been through.  Please read the "Breakthough" post--so many interesting points written by his father, and I'm filled with much awe and joy for them, as this was their first real conversation with their son since the accident.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tannerunderwood

More pics of Pepper

Thought I would share some more pictures and the stories behind them.  I think Pepper's cancer is growing pretty rapidly, so we may not have much time left with her.  I really wasn't sure what to expect.  She started kind of coughing/gagging fairly frequently yesterday, so it made me wonder if the tumor is starting to gag her a bit or if the cancer has spread to her lungs already.  I had Scott open up her mouth, and the tumor has already spread toward the back of her throat.  When we first discovered it a few weeks ago, it was the size of a half dollar coin.  It has grown quite quickly!  So, I thought I would share some more fun pictures, and you can see a little bit of life over in Europe (I will share more pics again tomorrow of her in/near the castles).

This was one of our favorite palace gardens, only about 20 minutes from our house.  Schwetzingen.  Pepper wanted to chase those ducks so badly :)  Scott would always say "what is it" (even if there was nothing around) and she would immediately and excitedly try to find the animal/bird he was talking about.  It was their little game.

Fall in Heidelberg

I had to share this next picture, because this was taken a week or two after we lost baby Grace.  I was so thankful to have Scott with me, along with Pepper, my faithful friend :)

Pepper strolling through one of our favorite places--Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland

  Inside the china store. . .she looks uncomfortable :)

She wasn't sure what to think of these cows along one of the most beautiful mountain hikes we've ever been on--a train ride up from Lauterbrunnen

Enjoy these pics--more tomorrow!

Pepper and Memories

Pepper in Switzerland

Heidelberg

Pepper Shopping




Pepper today

I have been taking a LONG trip down memory lane.  It has made me miss Germany and all of the places we traveled so much!  We recently found out our dog, Pepper, has cancer on the soft palette of her mouth.  Because of the location, it cannot be removed.  Not knowing exactly how much longer she has with us, I decided to create a flip book of a lot of the pictures we have from her adventures.  This meant going through all of our digital pictures--which began when we moved to Germany in 2004.This October will mark 10 years that we have had her!  We were married May 26, 2002 and lived in San Antonio.  In October we brought Pepper into our home; she was 2.5 years old.  Since I had never had a dog, the idea of raising a puppy terrified me, especially knowing we had brand new carpet and would be selling our house in less than two years to go to our next duty station.  Someone overheard my husband's phone conversation with me about not wanting a puppy for those reasons and offered that he had a dog who was well-trained that he wanted to get rid of.  We wondered what was wrong with her--he simply wanted a dog for hunting, and Pepper was gun-shy.  His wife told him they could not get another dog until he found a home for Pepper.  It turned out to be a perfect match. 
Pepper is the most obedient dog you will ever meet.  She does not chew things or jump on people, bark excessively, and she is very careful about how she walks, trying not to step on things.  She also walks best when not on a leash.  
Thus, when we moved to Heidelberg, Germany, she was the perfect dog to take EVERYWHERE.  She has many tales to tell--going to the bank, many restaurants laying under or beside the table, castles, some old cathedrals, a china dishes store, riding on buses, trains, the mountains, you name it.  She even had a passport that got stamped.  This dog has been to France, Switzerland, Germany and Austria.  I would not have made it through Scott's deployment without having her to hug every night before bed.  She has witnessed the tears I shed after he left for Iraq, especially the raw tears after Doug was killed, and then wrestling with God after we thought Scott would be sent on a dangerous mission.  Then came the mornings I would spend time with God to work through the loss of baby Grace.  She has seen it all!
Germany changed her--she became more outgoing and actually enjoyed all of the people coming into our home for our small group and different parties.  In San Antonio, she was a scared dog; in Germany she would hear the kids playing outside in the afternoon and beg with her deep growl/bark "oww wow wow" to go out to the playground to run around and see them. 
Since we moved into this house when I was pregnant with Anna, her spot has been in front of a sliding door that connects our bedroom to the nursery.  She has raised her head as I have had many middle-of-the night feedings and been thankful when we have had afternoon naps together :)  I will miss hearing her snoring :)  She has fallen in love with the girls--immediately she loved Anna and was very protective--always staying between the baby and whoever was visiting.  Since Elizabeth was born, her hearing isn't as good, so she's not quite in tune with what's going on and stays asleep.
While Scott wanted the dog the most, she favored me. To this day, she cannot be anywhere that she does not keep her eyes on me. It stresses her if she cannot find me so she will follow me from room to room. I have never had a more loyal friend :)
Right now, you can't tell that anything is wrong with her.  I was prepared that since she was 12 years old we might not have much time left with her.  She had a clean bill of health at her check-up, but a couple of months later, her breath was so bad, I had Scott open her mouth to see if she had an infection or growth.  Sure enough, we saw something and the biopsy proved it to be a fast-growing melanoma.  I do hope that as it spreads she will die peacefully or that we will know the time is near.  We are prepared to put her to sleep if it seems she is suffering.
She's doing so well now, so we are trying to give her lots of attention and treats.  She seems very happy with this arrangement, too.  :)  I could do a commercial for IAMS dog food--it has kept her body in great condition for so long.  I do not like to think of the ugly cancer spreading in her body; right now I'm trying to really enjoy what time we have left with her, however long that will be.  Enjoy the pics; I might share more as the days go on.

The rest of the story. . .

And part 2 of the story.  Nicole has written it out on her blog. . .thanks again, Nicole!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/think-god-doesnt-care-about-the-details-think-again/

be sure to read the beginning from yesterday if you haven't. . .

Our Story

My friend, Nicole, that I am always referring to, wrote our story of losing baby Grace and then our "misdiagnosed miscarriage," Anna, on her blog today.  It's nice to have it written out concisely from beginning to end--so if you are just joining in, go to her blog today and tomorrow to get the whole story.  Thanks, Nicole!!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/against-all-hope-believe-meet-a-true-friend/

Camera Lost and Found?

This might be a bit of an odd post, but it's what's on my mind right now.  We returned home from a family reunion and visiting friends/family in the Northwest Arkansas area.  Last Wednesday, we made the trip home through Arkansas, Oklahoma and then Texas.  We only made a few stops.  I have carried my camera in my purse for 6 years (an old version and now a new version of the Canon SD 1200).  I did not take any pictures with it Thursday or Friday, and kind of glanced in my purse Saturday, because I knew we'd be taking Father's Day pictures.  Didn't see it, but I wasn't worried.  It always turns up.  Sunday I really couldn't find it, so I began looking all day.  Then Monday, then Tuesday started tracking down and calling all the places we had stopped on our way home (and even here in town)--in case it had fallen out of the car.  Everyone was very helpful, but there was no camera.  1.  Either it is somewhere crazy in my house from my 20-month-old taking it out of my purse, 2.  it is laying somewhere unnoticed after falling out of the car 3.  Someone has it but does not know how to reach me  4. Someone decided to keep the camera.

Thankfully I had cleared out the card before going on the trip, but of course, I am sad to lose the pictures from that trip.  It's not earthshattering, but there were a handful of pictures I had taken of Elizabeth on her 20 month "birthday" that I was in love with.  The color, lighting and her personality were all bursting from the photos--I have never been able to catch all of that together before.  sigh.  And I want my camera!

So, what does one do in this situation?  I can't pinpoint the exact city that I might have lost it.  And if it fell out in a parking lot, say in Eureka Springs, where would someone have turned it in?  I checked the camera "lost and found" websites, but those are difficult to know which one a person might post to.

The lesson I have learned--put your contact information on your camera.  Maybe this seems a little scary, because you don't want some pervert trying to find you after seeing your children, but overall, it would at least allow a chance for someone to reach you if he/she is a kind-hearted person.  I so wish I had a phone number on my camera at this moment.

Any suggestions from someone else who has been through this?  I will let you know if it turns up in my house someday.  As people say, keep the camera--but send me the SD card!

Cradled website

So our Cradled website has been up for a few weeks now, but I haven't made a big deal about it on my blog yet.  Things are about to get big, so we are very excited!  Not about women hurting, but at the ability to be able to reach out to so many more.  If you haven't checked it out, it's www.Cradled.org or you can click on the button to the right (or put that on your blog if you feel like it would reach out to women).  We just got our brochures printed to give out to the OBs and midwives, and I'm planning our luncheon for September.  I'm learning all of this as I go along, so it's a fun challenge, but there is so much to learn about doing it right!  (getting the non-profit status, planning and marketing an event, etc.)  Up until now, we have just been serving the women who we met or our friends put us in contact with. Now, we know that one hospital in town will make sure every woman who has a loss will know about the services we offer, and we're waiting to meet with the other hospital.  We are also thrilled to have added the infertility support component; so many times this goes hand in hand with a loss.
Many of our services are for women in Central Texas, but we also will give e-mail support or provide a listening ear if someone needs to talk.
I am all ears if you have advice or suggestions!  We are still adding resources and other information so check back again!

Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is very special for us.  First, it was the weekend we got married 10 years ago.  Then, on our 4th Anniversary, we we apart because Scott was deployed to Iraq for 13 months (yuck).  That morning he surprised me with a call before I had to rush off to substitute at the American high school.  (I never knew how many days it would be before I talked to him).  I told him something was wrong with Doug, but I wasn't sure.  I sat down to write my best friend, Nicole an e-mail to tell her that Scott had said he would figure out what was going on with Doug (because they were going out that direction that day).  Then I deleted the e-mail, because I wondered if she had been notified yet, and I didn't want to cause any confusion--certainly he was just hurt and in the hospital, or maybe he was being flown back to Germany to be taken care of.  I only had received a copied e-mail from a friend that was to Nicole saying she was sorry about Doug.  This woman's husband was also deployed down there, so I didn't know if she had heard something before Nicole had; I trusted that if the most horrible thing had happened, Nicole would let me know first, but it nagged at the back of my mind that something was very wrong.When I walked across to the part of the Army post where the high school was, I realized that I had left my military ID in the car, so I had to sneak in through a gate that some kids had a key to.  After 9-11, we had German security guards who would only let you on post if you had a military ID or you could sign in with a passport, neither of which I had on me.  So, on my free period at 10:15am, I walked back home to get my ID.  Then, on the answering machine was a message from my other friend telling me that she noticed I wasn't copied on the e-mail, and she didn't know if I already knew, but Doug had been killed.  My first feeling was desperation--it's over before he even had a chance to be treated or given the chance to make it.  Of course I was hysterical, trying to find a neighbor to tell who also knew Doug and Nic.  Our lives changed forever that Memorial Day.  Hers of course more so than mine, but I will NEVER forget what an awful weekend it was.  Alison and I went to visit her as soon as I got out of school.  It turns out that Nic had told the Army to notify me.  That's why I was not copied on the e-mail; but it might have been harder for me if they had reached me--I might have thought at first they were calling because of Scott.
I did not sleep all night.  Crying for her, thinking about the reality of what war meant, and how he was never coming home.  We just assumed he and Scott would come home.  This rocked my world.  You survive every day telling yourself they are coming home; otherwise, you would be overcome with anxiety.  Now I had been lying to myself, so how would I cope now? 
In those dark, dark moments, Nicole trusted God.  She trusted that He still loved her, even though He had allowed this horrible event to happen.  Her story is amazing--that is why I have been posting parts of her blog this week. www.nicsrevelations.wordpress.com If you're interested in reading her book, Revelations, that chronicles these past 6 years of what she has learned about God and Heaven, see the previous post--it's on sale today.
And the next Memorial Day we were still waiting to "miscarry" Anna but our hope for a miracle was very alive!  So I remember the uncertainty as we walked around Brugges, Belgium.  And the doctor's appointment after we got back showed she was alive.  That was an amazing moment.  She was perfect, even though everything else pointed to her not being viable.  I still look back on those pictures with sort of a sick feeling--the anniversary of Doug's death as well as the unknown for us--our first pregnancy after losing Grace and being told Anna had already "died."
Memorial Day is so much bigger than even Doug or our celebrations.  Thousands and thousands of US soldiers have lost their lives fighting for our country.  If you visit Verdun, France or Normandy, it will take your breath away.  In Verdun, you can see the graves of 14,246 American soldiers from World War I  http://thewanderingchick.com/fr-verdun.html  And I know that there are thousands of others who have lost their lives in other places.  Today I specifically remember CPT Douglas DiCenzo and MAJ David Taylor who were KIA along with many others from Scott's brigade while he was deployed to Ramadi, Iraq.  If you ever attend a military funeral, you will never forget it.  At the end they do a roll call, and when they call the soldier's name and he doesn't answer, they say it 2 more times, louder each time, with the sickening silence following.  Inside you are screaming--"he is not here--just stop!!!"  I hope I never have a reason to attend one of those again. 
What this day represents is so humbling--I still get teared up every time I hear the National Anthem.  "the Land of the free and the Home of the Brave."  The people who are left behind and those we honor deserve all our gratitude.  Watch this song by Avalon--For Freedom
http://youtu.be/bMjFsVUYmGM

Nic's book is on sale. . .

The posts I have been spotlighting recently are from my friend, Nicole, who has also written a book about what she learned about Heaven since her husband, Doug, was killed.  If you're interested in her book, it is on sale today and tomorrow!  You can check it out at http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/about/

GET REVELATIONS FOR $6 OFF
It has been 6 years since Doug was KIA. In honor of all the fallen from today until Memorial Day you can get Revelations for $6 off.
Go to http://ow.ly/b7Lru to get on kindle for $3.28
Go to http://ow.ly/b7Lvd and plug in code 5TL3KK5S to get for $8.92
 

Does time heal?

Another great post from Nicole.  She lost her husband to an IED blast in Iraq while we were stationed in Germany.  She is doing a series on grief leading up to Memorial Day--they are so good, I can't help but keep sharing them for those of you healing (aren't we all?) or walking with a friend who is healing.  What are your thoughts to her question--Does time heal, or does time make it real?

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/does-time-heal-or-does-time-just-make-it-real/

More from Nic. . .

This is another great post from my friend, Nicole.  If you are mad at God right now because of a loss, read this.  She has been through deep pain so she is being honest and real.  Just in case you didn't catch my previous post to read her blog series on grief, I wanted to post this one.  "If you hate God because of a loss, pray anyway."

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/hate-god-because-of-a-loss-pray-anyway/

Rach

8 ways to Cope When Grieving--straight from a friend

You all have heard me talk about my best friend from Germany, Nicole, whose husband was killed May 25, 2006 from an IED explosion in Iraq.  Those were tough times.  She had an amazing post yesterday that I wanted to share on ways to cope with grief--this is the real deal.  I've walked with her, and I can agree with them from my own personal experiences as well--she knows what she's talking about, and I thought she communicated it so well.  I hope it helps!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/8-ways-to-cope-when-grieving/

She will continue to do a series on grief, so check back!
http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/

you don't want to miss this!

Mother's Day. . .then and now

I think back to Mother's Day 4 years ago, we had just announced to our church that I was pregnant again (when I knew many of them were sad for me knowing that I should have just delivered Grace).  I wasn't planning on announcing it that day, but someone came and asked me--"is there something you're not telling us" and we both started crying so then I knew I had to get up and let everyone know that they were tears of joy.  (My husband and I were leading worship that Sunday).  Little did we know that we would be faced with a faith journey to be told later that week on Thursday that I would miscarry that weekend.  Thankfully weeks later, our little Anna was discovered alive and well the ultrasound before the scheduled D&C.  You can't help but remember these moments.  Every Mother's Day the whole scenario plays out for me.  How I was heartbroken to be told that we would lose another baby, when the first was just a "one-time chance."  But how I felt that God had promised us this baby at that appointed time.  I decided to wait and Believe God for what He would do.

Here are the girls from yesterday. (Had trouble getting a good picture, but I wanted you to see them). Two amazing gifts I don't ever take for granted.  Somewhere in my mind in the quietness on Saturday night, I heard a little girl's voice saying "mommy, mommy."  It wasn't Anna or Elizabeth, so then I realized that it was a reminder that Grace is still alive in Heaven--she/God didn't want me to forget that she made me a mommy first--that her life was precious.  She lived in me for 5.5 months and went straight to Heaven.  I know this sounds freaky, but it's just a gentle reminder as I get busy caring for these girls on earth that she's up there basking in the glory of Heaven, made perfect.  For those of you who have lost babies and still do not have children here on earth, you are still a mommy to those precious little ones in Heaven.  And you will be a mommy to one on earth soon.

Connections. . .Little Rock, Germany, and Central Texas

Hello again, to my new Kelly's Korner friends.  This blog is not your typical blog (although I'm going to try to do better at posting pics of the girls :)  I did want to tell about myself in a nutshell.  We have lived in Central Texas for almost 4 years after moving here from Heidelberg, Germany.  My husband and I grew up in Little Rock then both ended up back there after college.  He went to UAMS for medical school (the Army paid for it), and then completed residency at Lackland Air Force Base (the pediatric program is combined with Army and Air Force there).  We got married while he was in residency so I spent our first 2 years of marriage in San Antonio.  The next 4 were spent in Heidelberg (which we miss so much!).  While we were there he was deployed to Iraq for 13 months--something I don't ever want to repeat.  We also lost our first baby at 22 weeks (which is why this blog started).  Now that we are in Texas, we have 2 girls--3.5 years old and one 19 months today.  I am part of a group that reaches out to women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, or infertility, and I am about to get our website up and running.  We have support groups and offer services for those of you who are in Central Texas (for any stage of loss or grief for your baby(s) and we also have social events to build our community.  Please send me a message if you'd like to know more and could either partner with us or if you would like support.  Our soon-to-be website is www.Cradled.org and should be running by the end of the week.  For those of you outside of Central Texas, we are here for you as a listening ear and to provide resources.  You can check my list, too.  Hope to meet you all soon!

May 4

(I started writing this May 4 but am just now able to finish) I was looking back at my old entries for a different reason, and I came upon the post where I wrote that I had a positive pregnancy test for Anna--May 4. It was neat to read that again and see what God had done. A little over 4 months since we had lost Grace, I was pregnant again. Those who are joining from the misdiagnosed miscarriage website--this is where that story starts. I went to my doctor's appointment at 6.5 weeks, and she said my hormone levels confirmed I was 6.5 weeks along but that I was showing 4.5 weeks. I would miscarry probably that weekend, because I should have been able to see the little tubes beating. (I remember seeing and hearing Grace's little heartbeat at this stage). I chose to miscarry "naturally" instead of a pill or D&C, because I just couldn't get over the fact that I felt God had promised this baby, and I didn't want to stand in the way of anything He might want to do. You'll have to read the rest of the story, but those next few weeks were very difficult believing, and every twinge I wondered if I was miscarrying, but the ultrasound before the D&C showed a perfectly formed baby with a beating heart--it was almost like she was screaming "I'm alive in here!" I remember struggling with "why would God give me this miracle and not someone else who has been waiting years for a baby and many miscarriages." My friend then told me that sometimes God uses certain stories to increase others' faith. Interestingly, that same friend just delivered her miracle baby in February after waiting 9+ years!  I just read a post from a mom I have mentioned whose 6 year old is battling cancer. He just received news that the tumor is gone. Around Easter I mentioned his story, because of the divine appointment of someone praying for healing in Clayton's ear. Well, it has happened, and his mother is going through the same thankfulness of what God has done but also the sorrow over others who are begging God for the same healing but don't receive it. God is capable. God is our healer. I don't know why some are healed and some are not. We are called to trust and ask Him. I can't explain the rest. When it does happen, it's amazing! http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html

April 25

Today is Grace's due date.  I honestly don't think about it as much as I do her "birthdate."  I remember that first year being pretty nervous about how I would feel and disappointed that I really wasn't delivering a baby, but we were in Holland at the time, and I appreciated that I would be missing out on the beauty of the tulips if I had just had a baby.  Probably what gets me more (still) is seeing other little girls born around April 25, 2008 and thinking about Anna having an older sister and what she really would have been like.  My brain can't wrap my head around that.  At the time I was sad and remembering and thinking what would have been, but I had such hope that I would be pregnant soon (if not already at that moment).  I remember feeling emotionally ready that weekend and telling my husband I would be ready to be pregnant again.  And if you go back and read 2008, you know the rest of the story :)  It turns out I was pregnant but wouldn't find out for another week or so.  Then Anna was born 5 weeks early on the day I think Grace died.  I write all this to give you all hope and courage.  The pain does lessen as the years go by.  Of course, you never forget; and you have a scar, but there is healing and peace in time.
That next pregnancy is hard--I always say I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I was so thrilled to be pregnant again, but then we were told I would miscarry Anna.  So it was a difficult first 3 weeks.  After we saw she was alive, days before the scheduled D&C, I still struggled with the reality that I could lose her.  Sometimes I would cry that I did not want to go to the doctor for my appointment, because I didn't want to have to go through finding out her heartbeat had stopped.  It was a long 35 weeks!  That fear is hard to battle in the next pregnancy, but when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, the fear was still there but not as strong.  Her pregnancy was drama-free, so it was almost strange for me :)  I never took for granted one day that I was pregnant with Grace; somehow I always knew how fragile pregnancy is, and since it was my first pregancy, I didn't know how my body would handle it.  But I relaxed after the first trimester, and it never entered my mind that she would die in utero.  I, like many people, was ignorant about genetic mutations and how they relate to miscarriage/stillbirth.  Now every time someone announces she is pregnant I am always thinking about it with caution.  You can't help it!  You know the possibilities.  But, most of the time, everything turns out fine.  I feel fortunate to have only endured one loss.  I know so many have been through multiple losses, and I cannot imagine that.  I am unbelievably thankful for our girls.  For those of you out there who are also going through infertility, know I don't ever take them for granted.  I pray an extra dose of grace for you as you sort through 2 griefs.  There is hope; somehow, someday, you will be a mommy!

http://www.rachellebelievinggod.blogspot.com/2008/08/pictures.html

The post from April 2008

"Held" by Natalie Grant

This song is for those of you who have lost a child (or any loved one).  Natalie Grant "Held."

video with lyrics:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw&feature=related

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Hello to Kelly's Korner friends. . .

I want to welcome everyone from Kelly's Korner blog, although somehow those words don't sound right.  Maybe because the topic is "Moms who have lost children."  When I sit and think about all of you who have lost children--that you long to see their faces, talk to them, and hold them closely, it breaks my heart.  I cannot imagine that kind of pain.  I am so sorry.  All I can say is that in my relatively short life and the pain I have seen and felt, God is close to the brokenhearted.  Trust that even if you don't feel it right now.  I pray that you will feel His love so close in a very personal way.
I have lost a child in utero--and while I never knew her, I was her mommy for 22 weeks, and I never took her for granted.  In one of my previous posts I mention that I found comfort in her knowing my voice but not knowing this harsh world.  I can sympathize (not quite empathize) with all of the dreams that you had for your child/with your child and how those can end so abruptly and out of our control.  How in a second our whole lives change forever.  We see the world differently than most.  We think of Heaven differently than most.  Our souls have a depth that many cannot tap into--the strength and courage it takes to survive this kind of loss.  We would do anything to still have that beating heart.
So today, I don't live in fear, but I do understand how precious life is, and how quickly it can all change.  And for the 2 girls and husband I have today, I know very well that something could happen tomorrow, and I cherish each moment--soaking in each time I look them in the eyes and snuggle their faces.
May you always have a special memory/memories of your children that keeps them close to you in your hearts.  And may the rest of us keep talking about them to keep their memories alive.

Storms of Life

We as a family are at a peaceful point in our lives.  The girls are 18 months and 3 years old now (hard to believe!) so this is a really fun time.  I am relishing it, because I know the terrible twos are only a couple of months away.  But I am fully aware of all of the storms that rage around us right now in other families.  Families with miscarriages.  Families waiting to adopt. Families battling cancer in their children or their wife/mother of young children.  Families waiting for their son to awaken--he was in a car accident almost 2 weeks ago and had brain swelling. And so they wait, hope and cry, and try to find a way to live in their reality while the world goes 'round.
I wanted to highlight two websites of these families who are experiencing these storms.  I think no matter what you are going through, their stories of hope, grief, anger, and God sheltering them will encourage you.  I also am greatly aware that our time of peace could come to an end at a moment's notice, so I do not take it for granted!  Take a moment to read their stories.  In Tanner's Caringbridge post today, his father reflects on childbirth as compared to waiting for their 13-year-old son to come back to them.  I thought it was poignant for what this blog is about.  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tannerunderwood (journal entry from April 5 Moans and Groans).  And the story of Clayton, who is 6 battling cancer, and the amazing moment that happened for him and his mom--you don't want to miss it.  Their encounter is the reality of what Easter and the resurrection are all about--Jesus is alive, and his spirit (the Holy Spirit we were given after Jesus' death and resurrection) is among us in a very real and supernatural way at the same time. This stuff is real.  http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012/04/divine-appointments.html?spref=fb
Tomorrow is Good Friday.  Good Friday is good because Jesus loves you, He died for you and all of our sin to make a way for us to spend eternity with Him and have a relationship with Him here on earth.  It's hard to describe the vast, overwhelmingness of what He accomplished Good Friday.  But the story doesn't end with Friday.  3 days later He arose from the dead.   This really happened--if you want proof, leave me a comment or e-mail me and I can direct you there.  If you're not sure whether you believe any of this, pray to God and ask Him to show Himself to you.  This video might be how you're feeling, and like Clayton and his mom experienced, God knew his thoughts and fears and met him where he was. http://www.namb.net/namb1cbvideo.aspx?id=8589936129
"Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death" Matt Maher

Joy and Sorrow

I'm 35, but in my short life, I have observed many griefs--not my own, but from people close to me.  February is one of those months that stirs up remembrances.  When I was 13, my grandmother died on this day.  I remember it so vividly, and I still think of her often.  My cat awakened me at the exact time she died (although I did not know she had died until my father picked me up from school).  My mother was with her when she took her last breath and entered Heaven.  I remember watching my mother grieve that year, which prepared me to be sensitive to others going through grief.  In college, a friend from Little Rock who was also attending Baylor with me was killed in a car accident on February 5.  She was engaged, and it was tough seeing those dreams diminish and the grief that her family had to go through.  February 5 is special for the cousins whose birthday it is, but years later I think of Doug on this day--it's his birthday as well.  I think of his mom and Nicole on that day and how much they must miss him.  He was KIA in Iraq.  Nicole has recently released her book Nic's Revelations about everything she has learned about Heaven and God since Doug was killed.  https://www.createspace.com/3653957
February 27 is also the day that my aunt passed away and then my cat died in my mom's lap.  There's something special about this date--sorrow mixed with joy.  It's other people's birthdays, my brother-in-law for one.  I just received the news that our friends in Germany who supported us so much after we lost Grace had a baby boy just a little while ago. (he wasn't scheduled to be born until March 5).  Shannon asked me to pray for a miracle for her to have another baby (they have a 12-year-old daughter so they have waited a long time!), and I must admit, my prayers for her had dwindled.  The amazing thing about their story--God spoke to their daughter that Shannon was pregnant--and she laughed, just like Sarah in the Bible when God told Abraham that they would have a baby in their old age, even after Sarah's womb had been closed.  But, indeed, Shannon was pregnant, and their baby boy just made his appearance into the world.  Oh what joy!  He's here!  After so many years of waiting!  We rejoice with them.
Another story of sorrow and joy--one year ago, Addie was born on February 9.  She lived 6 days and passed away in her mother's arms on February 15.  Now Kristen is in labor to give birth to their baby boy a year later.  Oh what joy, again!
February 23 marks the date one year ago that another friend lost her mom.  And it marks the birthday of yet another friend who recently lost her mother.  And my dad's cousin who passed away a year ago--the list goes on of loved ones lost.  And I'm constantly reminded of others who have recently lost mothers.  I don't feel old but yet my heart breaks to have so many friends who have lost parents.  It does make me treasure each day I have left with mine--but also keenly aware of how short time can be.  I think about all of these things while hearing daily about others whose loved ones are fighting cancer, losing babies or other trials.  You all weigh heavily on my heart as I think about what each of you are going through--your grief journey or your fight against cancer.  These 2 births today did my heart good to be able to rejoice with these families on a day and in a month that reminds us of so much sadness.  I also thought they might encourage anyone who has recently lost a baby or who is waiting for a baby.  Your time will come whether through pregnancy or adoption!  These baby boys today give us hope and joy!