Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is very special for us.  First, it was the weekend we got married 10 years ago.  Then, on our 4th Anniversary, we we apart because Scott was deployed to Iraq for 13 months (yuck).  That morning he surprised me with a call before I had to rush off to substitute at the American high school.  (I never knew how many days it would be before I talked to him).  I told him something was wrong with Doug, but I wasn't sure.  I sat down to write my best friend, Nicole an e-mail to tell her that Scott had said he would figure out what was going on with Doug (because they were going out that direction that day).  Then I deleted the e-mail, because I wondered if she had been notified yet, and I didn't want to cause any confusion--certainly he was just hurt and in the hospital, or maybe he was being flown back to Germany to be taken care of.  I only had received a copied e-mail from a friend that was to Nicole saying she was sorry about Doug.  This woman's husband was also deployed down there, so I didn't know if she had heard something before Nicole had; I trusted that if the most horrible thing had happened, Nicole would let me know first, but it nagged at the back of my mind that something was very wrong.When I walked across to the part of the Army post where the high school was, I realized that I had left my military ID in the car, so I had to sneak in through a gate that some kids had a key to.  After 9-11, we had German security guards who would only let you on post if you had a military ID or you could sign in with a passport, neither of which I had on me.  So, on my free period at 10:15am, I walked back home to get my ID.  Then, on the answering machine was a message from my other friend telling me that she noticed I wasn't copied on the e-mail, and she didn't know if I already knew, but Doug had been killed.  My first feeling was desperation--it's over before he even had a chance to be treated or given the chance to make it.  Of course I was hysterical, trying to find a neighbor to tell who also knew Doug and Nic.  Our lives changed forever that Memorial Day.  Hers of course more so than mine, but I will NEVER forget what an awful weekend it was.  Alison and I went to visit her as soon as I got out of school.  It turns out that Nic had told the Army to notify me.  That's why I was not copied on the e-mail; but it might have been harder for me if they had reached me--I might have thought at first they were calling because of Scott.
I did not sleep all night.  Crying for her, thinking about the reality of what war meant, and how he was never coming home.  We just assumed he and Scott would come home.  This rocked my world.  You survive every day telling yourself they are coming home; otherwise, you would be overcome with anxiety.  Now I had been lying to myself, so how would I cope now? 
In those dark, dark moments, Nicole trusted God.  She trusted that He still loved her, even though He had allowed this horrible event to happen.  Her story is amazing--that is why I have been posting parts of her blog this week. www.nicsrevelations.wordpress.com If you're interested in reading her book, Revelations, that chronicles these past 6 years of what she has learned about God and Heaven, see the previous post--it's on sale today.
And the next Memorial Day we were still waiting to "miscarry" Anna but our hope for a miracle was very alive!  So I remember the uncertainty as we walked around Brugges, Belgium.  And the doctor's appointment after we got back showed she was alive.  That was an amazing moment.  She was perfect, even though everything else pointed to her not being viable.  I still look back on those pictures with sort of a sick feeling--the anniversary of Doug's death as well as the unknown for us--our first pregnancy after losing Grace and being told Anna had already "died."
Memorial Day is so much bigger than even Doug or our celebrations.  Thousands and thousands of US soldiers have lost their lives fighting for our country.  If you visit Verdun, France or Normandy, it will take your breath away.  In Verdun, you can see the graves of 14,246 American soldiers from World War I  http://thewanderingchick.com/fr-verdun.html  And I know that there are thousands of others who have lost their lives in other places.  Today I specifically remember CPT Douglas DiCenzo and MAJ David Taylor who were KIA along with many others from Scott's brigade while he was deployed to Ramadi, Iraq.  If you ever attend a military funeral, you will never forget it.  At the end they do a roll call, and when they call the soldier's name and he doesn't answer, they say it 2 more times, louder each time, with the sickening silence following.  Inside you are screaming--"he is not here--just stop!!!"  I hope I never have a reason to attend one of those again. 
What this day represents is so humbling--I still get teared up every time I hear the National Anthem.  "the Land of the free and the Home of the Brave."  The people who are left behind and those we honor deserve all our gratitude.  Watch this song by Avalon--For Freedom
http://youtu.be/bMjFsVUYmGM

Nic's book is on sale. . .

The posts I have been spotlighting recently are from my friend, Nicole, who has also written a book about what she learned about Heaven since her husband, Doug, was killed.  If you're interested in her book, it is on sale today and tomorrow!  You can check it out at http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/about/

GET REVELATIONS FOR $6 OFF
It has been 6 years since Doug was KIA. In honor of all the fallen from today until Memorial Day you can get Revelations for $6 off.
Go to http://ow.ly/b7Lru to get on kindle for $3.28
Go to http://ow.ly/b7Lvd and plug in code 5TL3KK5S to get for $8.92
 

Does time heal?

Another great post from Nicole.  She lost her husband to an IED blast in Iraq while we were stationed in Germany.  She is doing a series on grief leading up to Memorial Day--they are so good, I can't help but keep sharing them for those of you healing (aren't we all?) or walking with a friend who is healing.  What are your thoughts to her question--Does time heal, or does time make it real?

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/does-time-heal-or-does-time-just-make-it-real/

More from Nic. . .

This is another great post from my friend, Nicole.  If you are mad at God right now because of a loss, read this.  She has been through deep pain so she is being honest and real.  Just in case you didn't catch my previous post to read her blog series on grief, I wanted to post this one.  "If you hate God because of a loss, pray anyway."

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/hate-god-because-of-a-loss-pray-anyway/

Rach

8 ways to Cope When Grieving--straight from a friend

You all have heard me talk about my best friend from Germany, Nicole, whose husband was killed May 25, 2006 from an IED explosion in Iraq.  Those were tough times.  She had an amazing post yesterday that I wanted to share on ways to cope with grief--this is the real deal.  I've walked with her, and I can agree with them from my own personal experiences as well--she knows what she's talking about, and I thought she communicated it so well.  I hope it helps!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/8-ways-to-cope-when-grieving/

She will continue to do a series on grief, so check back!
http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/

you don't want to miss this!

Mother's Day. . .then and now

I think back to Mother's Day 4 years ago, we had just announced to our church that I was pregnant again (when I knew many of them were sad for me knowing that I should have just delivered Grace).  I wasn't planning on announcing it that day, but someone came and asked me--"is there something you're not telling us" and we both started crying so then I knew I had to get up and let everyone know that they were tears of joy.  (My husband and I were leading worship that Sunday).  Little did we know that we would be faced with a faith journey to be told later that week on Thursday that I would miscarry that weekend.  Thankfully weeks later, our little Anna was discovered alive and well the ultrasound before the scheduled D&C.  You can't help but remember these moments.  Every Mother's Day the whole scenario plays out for me.  How I was heartbroken to be told that we would lose another baby, when the first was just a "one-time chance."  But how I felt that God had promised us this baby at that appointed time.  I decided to wait and Believe God for what He would do.

Here are the girls from yesterday. (Had trouble getting a good picture, but I wanted you to see them). Two amazing gifts I don't ever take for granted.  Somewhere in my mind in the quietness on Saturday night, I heard a little girl's voice saying "mommy, mommy."  It wasn't Anna or Elizabeth, so then I realized that it was a reminder that Grace is still alive in Heaven--she/God didn't want me to forget that she made me a mommy first--that her life was precious.  She lived in me for 5.5 months and went straight to Heaven.  I know this sounds freaky, but it's just a gentle reminder as I get busy caring for these girls on earth that she's up there basking in the glory of Heaven, made perfect.  For those of you who have lost babies and still do not have children here on earth, you are still a mommy to those precious little ones in Heaven.  And you will be a mommy to one on earth soon.

Connections. . .Little Rock, Germany, and Central Texas

Hello again, to my new Kelly's Korner friends.  This blog is not your typical blog (although I'm going to try to do better at posting pics of the girls :)  I did want to tell about myself in a nutshell.  We have lived in Central Texas for almost 4 years after moving here from Heidelberg, Germany.  My husband and I grew up in Little Rock then both ended up back there after college.  He went to UAMS for medical school (the Army paid for it), and then completed residency at Lackland Air Force Base (the pediatric program is combined with Army and Air Force there).  We got married while he was in residency so I spent our first 2 years of marriage in San Antonio.  The next 4 were spent in Heidelberg (which we miss so much!).  While we were there he was deployed to Iraq for 13 months--something I don't ever want to repeat.  We also lost our first baby at 22 weeks (which is why this blog started).  Now that we are in Texas, we have 2 girls--3.5 years old and one 19 months today.  I am part of a group that reaches out to women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, or infertility, and I am about to get our website up and running.  We have support groups and offer services for those of you who are in Central Texas (for any stage of loss or grief for your baby(s) and we also have social events to build our community.  Please send me a message if you'd like to know more and could either partner with us or if you would like support.  Our soon-to-be website is www.Cradled.org and should be running by the end of the week.  For those of you outside of Central Texas, we are here for you as a listening ear and to provide resources.  You can check my list, too.  Hope to meet you all soon!

May 4

(I started writing this May 4 but am just now able to finish) I was looking back at my old entries for a different reason, and I came upon the post where I wrote that I had a positive pregnancy test for Anna--May 4. It was neat to read that again and see what God had done. A little over 4 months since we had lost Grace, I was pregnant again. Those who are joining from the misdiagnosed miscarriage website--this is where that story starts. I went to my doctor's appointment at 6.5 weeks, and she said my hormone levels confirmed I was 6.5 weeks along but that I was showing 4.5 weeks. I would miscarry probably that weekend, because I should have been able to see the little tubes beating. (I remember seeing and hearing Grace's little heartbeat at this stage). I chose to miscarry "naturally" instead of a pill or D&C, because I just couldn't get over the fact that I felt God had promised this baby, and I didn't want to stand in the way of anything He might want to do. You'll have to read the rest of the story, but those next few weeks were very difficult believing, and every twinge I wondered if I was miscarrying, but the ultrasound before the D&C showed a perfectly formed baby with a beating heart--it was almost like she was screaming "I'm alive in here!" I remember struggling with "why would God give me this miracle and not someone else who has been waiting years for a baby and many miscarriages." My friend then told me that sometimes God uses certain stories to increase others' faith. Interestingly, that same friend just delivered her miracle baby in February after waiting 9+ years!  I just read a post from a mom I have mentioned whose 6 year old is battling cancer. He just received news that the tumor is gone. Around Easter I mentioned his story, because of the divine appointment of someone praying for healing in Clayton's ear. Well, it has happened, and his mother is going through the same thankfulness of what God has done but also the sorrow over others who are begging God for the same healing but don't receive it. God is capable. God is our healer. I don't know why some are healed and some are not. We are called to trust and ask Him. I can't explain the rest. When it does happen, it's amazing! http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html