My heart goes out to you all who have suffered a loss. I do grieve with you, think of you, and pray for you even though I have not met you. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.
Some of you have been writing comments that are forwarded to my e-mail, but I have no way to respond unless I post my response on the blog for everyone to read. If you would be so kind as to include your e-mail in your comment, that would be helpful for me to be able to respond to you individually. Nona, I would love to hear how your doctor appointment went today.
Please hang on to your hope--as the song by Steven Curtis Chapman encouraged me, "we can grieve with hope; we can cry with hope." and of course my theme verse, "Against all hope, Abraham believed. . ." from Romans 4.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Surprise!
Announcing the surprise arrival of Anna Noelle Huitink
born Sunday, December 14 at 11:43pm
7 pounds, 4 ounces
19.5 inches
lots of dark hair with blond highlights :)
The picture of me pregnant was taken December 13, and then Sunday night I started bleeding again--so it was off to the hospital to have a baby! There was only one, but that is just fine with me :) She was huge for being 5 weeks early--I don't think I would have been able to make it much longer :)
We are thankful for our miracle, and amazingly, we brought her home Thursday afternoon, the same date that we lost Grace last year (December 18) and the day of the week that Grace was "born." Isn't God amazing? I couldn't have planned it any better myself.
As far as the name--we had always planned on naming our first daughter Anna after my grandmother (and because we like the name). Awhile back we wanted to make sure we really wanted to name her that, and when we looked up the meaning of the name it means "full of grace," "grace," "gracious." So, of course, knowing that God was restoring what was lost, it was pretty amazing that her name meant Grace, and we never questioned the name again. We chose Noelle, because she redeemed Christmas for us. As I explained before, 3 Christmases ago, Scott was about to leave for Iraq, then the next year we were apart, and then last year we had just lost Grace. Now, we have an amazing Christmas blessing (and I'll be recovered by then :)
We're doing well--she is so sweet. She cries when she's hungry or when her diaper needs to be changed or she wants to snuggle. I'm still sore from the C Section but getting a little better every day.
Well, it looks like this ends the story of my blog (until maybe I'm pregnant with twin boys :) . We have created a Facebook page, so let us know if you want to keep in touch that way :)
Blessings to you all! God is amazing, and He keeps His promises!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Excitement. . .
First off, I wanted to share the picture of me from a couple of weeks ago at my baby shower. My best friend from college, Lacey, is a tiny person so I dwarf her, but you can still see how big I've gotten--and that was at 32 weeks!
Well, this Wednesday morning I had heavy bleeding, and after I saw the doctor he admitted me to the labor and delivery unit for observation. Then I started having contractions pretty often, so it got kind of scary for awhile--I was a little overwhelmed by the thought that I might deliver that day, 6 weeks early, not being prepared at all! We had an ultrasound late in the afternoon that showed I have placenta previa, and an edge of the placenta had come up (which caused the bleeding). So, the doctor kept me in the hospital overnight, because if I started to bleed again, he was going to do a C-section. I went home yesterday, and now I'm on a modified bed rest. The plan from here is to schedule a C-section in 4 weeks, but if I start bleeding again, we'll go ahead with the C-section. So, 4 weeks or less now! I can find plenty of quiet things to do around the house, but it is hard to not walk a lot (I'll think of something to do, but it's in another part of the house). Thankfully Scott will be home again this weekend, and my mom will probably come stay some next week. I can't complain too much when the doctor tells me I'm not allowed to grocery shop any more!
After I was home last night, I think my emotions got ahold of me--just being overwhelmed with the previous day's events and then my brain was associating a lot of my experiences with last December's experiences--going to the hospital, long ultrasounds where I can't see what's going on (after we had known the other baby had died) and then coming home without a baby, still looking and feeling pregnant (even though this time I still am) all kind of made my psyche a little tricked. Thankfully this morning I could wake up and know I was still pregnant, whereas last year I was waking up and saying to myself the next morning "I'm not pregnant anymore," even though I looked like it. Our little girl is still moving around just as much, and any time I can make her wait will always be better. Thankfully I know that if she were to deliver now, she would be just fine, even though she would be a few weeks early. She's still showing large or ahead of schedule so that's good, too. Some of you may be wondering what this ultrasound showed--it was pretty thorough, and it only showed one baby (Scott and I both were wondering if God was going to reveal something). Of course at this point, I still believe God has the power to do anything He wants--we only have 4 weeks left to find out. Although as soon as I thought the reality was still only 1 baby, yesterday a Christian lady randomly told me another story about how a lady had dreamt that she would have triplets, and then when her delivery came, she ended up having triplets, while the whole pregnancy they thought she only had twins. (I hadn't told her any of my story). And of course, as I was looking up placenta previa last night, the first page I came to said that this condition is more common for women who are carrying multiple babies. It could very well be a coincidence, but I guess at this point I'm going to pack an extra outfit for a boy just in case it's necessary when I deliver :) I don't want to make a bigger deal about these things, but it's always ironic to me that as soon as I think "science" has proven only 1 baby, something else will come up. Just as God spoke so clearly to me before "don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence" I have to wonder if He was meaning more than just at the beginning of the pregnancy. Evidence showed then that the baby had died/there was no baby, but for several weeks we kept believing, and the doctor said it was a miracle when we saw her!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Interesting. . .
Scott gave me a gift certificate for a prenatal massage (so sweet of him and so needed!) A doula (kind of like a midwife-specializes in keeping you comfortable during labor and delivery) performed the massage, and at the very end she asked if I minded her rubbing my belly. I said "no," and as soon as she started, she said "are you sure there's only one baby in here?" I couldn't believe my ears. I briefly told her the story (knowing it sounded crazy as I was telling it). She kept feeling around and mentioned the 3 areas that I always wonder about (as far as where is the head, rear, etc.) and she couldn't understand how it would be just one. I explained to her that we had another ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, and it showed only one, but that maybe God wasn't ready to reveal it until delivery. So, I'll let you ponder that one. . .as of right now I have 4-6 weeks to go, but if it's twins, it will be more like 3 weeks. I guess I better pack a bag just in case :)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Excited about Christmas. . .
I just had to share these pictures from the 10 week mark so you can see what I mean by how big I am with my extra large baby! I must say that I'm very excited about Christmas this year--the last 3 have not been so good. The first one we knew that Scott was going to deploy to Iraq in a week or two, the second one we were apart and still didn't know if he would be safe, the third one (while I was so happy to have him home) we had just lost Grace so it kind of tainted things. This year, when Christmas comes, it means our baby girl is arriving just around the corner, so I'm very excited. I will always have a place in my heart for those who are separated on Christmas by a deployment or who have lost a spouse, so I never take that for granted. But, I am determined that for us, this will be the best Christmas in 4 years :) Please keep praying for everything to go well with the rest of the pregnancy and delivery :) 9 weeks or less now. . .Tuesday, November 4, 2008
No twins. . .
just a really large baby girl! The ultrasound tech was able to confirm it was a girl, so that was good, and she is size-wise two weeks ahead, which is how he explained that I'm feeling movements in four different places all at once--she's getting pretty crowded in my belly--and she still moves constantly! I don't know if my doctor will change my due date--last time he didn't want to make it earlier, so it looks like she is just big! I'm planning to be ready by Christmas no matter what. . .So as of this coming Thursday it is only 8-10 more weeks. . .
thanks for your prayers! We are very excited!
thanks for your prayers! We are very excited!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Tuesday. . .
We've requested another ultrasound, which will take place Tuesday. Of course, I do welcome the opportunity to make sure everything is progressing normally (no surprises at delivery!). Call me crazy, but I still want one more chance to make sure there are not two babies in there. Often the kicks feel as if there are two in there (seriously, she/they are constantly kicking and punching). I was encouraged by a story of a lady in today's culture who didn't know she had twins until delivery--even with modern day ultrasounds! My faith is strong again that this is still possible, so pray with me that Tuesday God will reveal what's truly inside my belly :) Once again, I will not be disappointed with our little girl--But, as Beth Moore says "I want to believe God to the absolute limit of what He can do." I will let you know Tuesday how things go, but pray with me--God has given me renewed faith again to believe the unbelievable.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Third Trimester. . .
Well, it's the home stretch! This Saturday means only 12 weeks left! I included these belly pictures from this past weekend, because it's not often that I have a bruise-
free belly. The truth is that I have to take shots every day, and most often they bruise me, so my belly has been in hiding. This week I only have a small bruise so I had to take this opportunity if you wanted to see my belly :) (sorry if you didn't want to see)She is still kicking me constantly, so it's pretty funny, even though it makes it hard to stay comfortable at night, and I'm having constant rib pain, but honestly, I still can't complain. I've had a very easy pregnancy.
Although my belly is not big enough for twins (the doctor says I'm progressing "normally"), I'm still open to whatever God wants to do--I'm not counting out any miracles, especially since we were told this baby had died in the beginning. Sometimes I long to have that same faith; when the evidence showed there was no baby, I still believed with my whole heart that God had promised us this baby and was going to do something powerful--and He did!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Mustard Seed. . .
Well, at this point we are so excited about our little girl--I do look forward to when I can finally hold her! I have not heard God speak anything directly about this pregnancy ever since we had the ultrasound a few weeks ago, but I am resting with an open heart to whatever He has in store. I do know with Him anything is possible, so I have a mustard seed of faith that we could still end up with twins January 15 (boy and girl :) ), but I am open to whatever God's plan is right now. The good news is that God honors even mustard seeds of faith--and regardless, I trust whatever He has planned. I don't feel like I have to figure it all out, but if He is planning on a miracle like that still, I would like to be exercising active faith! I still am in awe and amazement that we even will be having a little girl soon after Christmas this year--the time of year we lost Grace. I am so thankful for this gift of life and the privilege to be pregnant.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
22 weeks and counting. . .
These pics were taken Sunday, when I hit the end of week 22. Yesterday marked 4 months until our due date so it feels like time is going to fly by now. From now on, this part of the pregnancy is uncharted territory for me :) She still is constantly kicking me, so it is always reassuring that things are still okay.
Well, that's all for now--people have been asking for pics of my belly, so here they are. Yes, it's still like summer here--I miss fall in Germany!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Time of Rest. . .
Right now it seems like I'm at a time of rest--just enjoying the present. I know God will speak to me in time, and right now I don't have to try to figure it all out. Of course, I'm always looking to hear from Him, but I do trust that at the right time things will become clearer. :)
FYI: If you or someone you know has gone through a pregnancy loss, check out my list of favorite books in "view my complete profile" and pass them along. . .
FYI: If you or someone you know has gone through a pregnancy loss, check out my list of favorite books in "view my complete profile" and pass them along. . .
Monday, September 8, 2008
What next?
In every season, I have a reason to worship. Right now I'm going through a strange season--certainly not a bad one but maybe a confusing one--I am excited about our girl, and I can feel her kicking all of the time. I am so privileged to be pregnant. What I'm still sorting out is whether or not it is foolish for me not to believe we will still have twins or whether it is foolish to believe it will still happen. At our ultrasound, there was only one baby in my belly. My first reaction with it being a girl, was thinking "okay--that promise of twins must definitely be for another pregnancy." Of course, my whole faith lesson on this journey has been "don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence" which gave me the hope to hold on during the ultrasound in which our doctor told me I was going to miscarry. I am so thankful that this baby is healthy--no heart problems, no developmental problems at all--this is truly wonderful. I suppose what I'm struggling with is that half of the promise came true when I believed in faith--getting pregnant in April, etc., but the other half doesn't look like it for this pregnancy, when it took me awhile to get to the point of believing it was definitely this pregnancy and not another one. I also feel like I somehow misled Scott, because by the time we reached last Tuesday, he was believing with no doubt that we would see twins--which is amazing for him. So, do I keep believing and wonder what God is up to and how He'll show more of His glory? or do I just say that this is what He always planned for now and He's already shown His glory. Is this another time to believe without evidence or should I put it to rest?
I do know this for sure--God is intentional in His timing. As much as I believed and expected to see the twins, this is what He wanted me to see at this ultrasound appointment. I know that either way He is honored by my faith (although I don't understand that part if I felt like He was drawing me there), and I know that sometimes miracles do not happen that we have prayed and believed for. However, this is one miracle that I thought He was showing me He wanted to do. Is this another further test of faith to hold on even stronger when it seems impossible? I believe with every ounce of me that He can put another baby in there (He can do whatever He wants), but is that what He's calling me to believe now? In my quiet times the last week or so, I haven't heard anything either way. Is this because I have not stepped out in faith to keep believing? You can pray with me that if I'm to keep believing for this pregnancy I will (and I suppose they'd be boy and girl twins? :) If I am to accept things as they are and believe God gave me that faith for another reason, that I will put all this to rest and hope in the next pregnancy.
The bottom line: this is His faith story, not my story, and I am willing to do whatever will bring Him glory (and He knows that better than I do).
I do know this for sure--God is intentional in His timing. As much as I believed and expected to see the twins, this is what He wanted me to see at this ultrasound appointment. I know that either way He is honored by my faith (although I don't understand that part if I felt like He was drawing me there), and I know that sometimes miracles do not happen that we have prayed and believed for. However, this is one miracle that I thought He was showing me He wanted to do. Is this another further test of faith to hold on even stronger when it seems impossible? I believe with every ounce of me that He can put another baby in there (He can do whatever He wants), but is that what He's calling me to believe now? In my quiet times the last week or so, I haven't heard anything either way. Is this because I have not stepped out in faith to keep believing? You can pray with me that if I'm to keep believing for this pregnancy I will (and I suppose they'd be boy and girl twins? :) If I am to accept things as they are and believe God gave me that faith for another reason, that I will put all this to rest and hope in the next pregnancy.
The bottom line: this is His faith story, not my story, and I am willing to do whatever will bring Him glory (and He knows that better than I do).
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Funny Thing. . .
It's a girl! Of course I was a little surprised, but we are not disappointed. We could only see one baby, and the ultrasound technician thought it was a girl.
I still believe that God fulfilled His promise by me getting pregnant in April, and He promised to "restore what was lost." We lost a girl, and now He's given us another one. I still have hope and faith that someday we will have boy twins. . .And all the lessons I learned about God's character and faith haven't changed :)
The good news is that everything was healthy and normal--that's the important thing, so we are very happy and relieved. Our due date is still January 15. . .
I will keep you updated. . .
Rachelle
I still believe that God fulfilled His promise by me getting pregnant in April, and He promised to "restore what was lost." We lost a girl, and now He's given us another one. I still have hope and faith that someday we will have boy twins. . .And all the lessons I learned about God's character and faith haven't changed :)
The good news is that everything was healthy and normal--that's the important thing, so we are very happy and relieved. Our due date is still January 15. . .
I will keep you updated. . .
Rachelle
Monday, September 1, 2008
September 1, 2008 Tomorrow's a Big Day
If you haven't been reading the blog at all this far, you have to go back and read it all--unfortunately to go in order, you have to start at the bottom. I encourage you to take the time--not because I'm such a great writer, but because I believe this is God's story that He wants you to hear.
I am 20 weeks pregnant now. I have been feeling the baby/babies kicking all the time for the past week or so; this gives me great comfort that I do not have to dread the ultrasound tomorrow. This will be the same ultrasound in which we found out Grace had died. Thankfully we're at a different time and place. I am not worried about what we'll find out tomorrow--I'm actually very excited. This day couldn't come soon enough. I am hoping by this point the twins will be obvious, and it will become a reality that I can share with you. I have no reason to doubt that the twins are in my belly based on everything that God has been speaking, but there is always that chance that He will not reveal it tomorrow.
So by now you can see why I entitled this blog "Against All Hope"--my theme verse for this pregnancy has been Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
I hope you have taken to heart the truths that God has so impressed upon me in this journey--
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's Word is alive and active in me.
Amen! I have definitely felt God's Word being alive in me since December 18. In a One Year Bible that was published years ago--the scriptures you've been reading have not been things I've searched for but they are the readings for that day--and they specifically address the need I have for that day. No other religion has the Holy Spirit to minister to you like that so personally. Only a relationship with Jesus can bring you everything I have written about.
I look forward to updating you tomorrow now that you are all caught up! Of course, I will not be disappointed if there is truly only 1 baby in my belly. But at this point, I have no reason to doubt we will have boy twins.
I am 20 weeks pregnant now. I have been feeling the baby/babies kicking all the time for the past week or so; this gives me great comfort that I do not have to dread the ultrasound tomorrow. This will be the same ultrasound in which we found out Grace had died. Thankfully we're at a different time and place. I am not worried about what we'll find out tomorrow--I'm actually very excited. This day couldn't come soon enough. I am hoping by this point the twins will be obvious, and it will become a reality that I can share with you. I have no reason to doubt that the twins are in my belly based on everything that God has been speaking, but there is always that chance that He will not reveal it tomorrow.
So by now you can see why I entitled this blog "Against All Hope"--my theme verse for this pregnancy has been Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
I hope you have taken to heart the truths that God has so impressed upon me in this journey--
- God has a deep love for those who are hurting
- Faith requires obedience
- Don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence (sometimes evidence is wrong!)
- God fulfills His promises
- God speaks to You if you ask Him to and listen for His answer through prayer, worship, and your Bible
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's Word is alive and active in me.
Amen! I have definitely felt God's Word being alive in me since December 18. In a One Year Bible that was published years ago--the scriptures you've been reading have not been things I've searched for but they are the readings for that day--and they specifically address the need I have for that day. No other religion has the Holy Spirit to minister to you like that so personally. Only a relationship with Jesus can bring you everything I have written about.
I look forward to updating you tomorrow now that you are all caught up! Of course, I will not be disappointed if there is truly only 1 baby in my belly. But at this point, I have no reason to doubt we will have boy twins.
July 19, 2008
From my journal. . .
"It's hard sometimes, because sometimes you are exactly what you don't want to be. I wanted to have unwavering faith and not be like the Israelites who only believed after they had crossed the Jordan. Yesterday I was feeling really upset--I was at the point where I did not want to go to the doctor. [It had been 4 weeks (I was at week 14) since the last ultrasound, and my body had been feeling similar to how it felt the day we found out Grace had died. Since I didn't really feel very pregnant (not many pregnancy symptoms) I was dreading if we would find out bad news. It's possible the baby could have died after the 10 week ultrasound and I wouldn't know it until this appointment. I was not feeling strong, so I was wishing that if I were going to miscarry it would just happen on its own rather than going to the doctor and being told again it had died. I didn't expect bad news; I just didn't know how I would handle bad news (or how this doctor would handle it). I was having a love-hate relationship with being pregnant that day. It is such a happy time, but it can also be full of deep emotional ups and downs for many women.] I knew I didn't have any reason to believe our baby/babies had died but I also knew that I had a willing heart if that was God's plan (to be glorified). I just was overcome with dread in case somehow this pregnancy wasn't the promise--that it was still to come.
I pulled out my One-Year-Bible hoping that July 18th reading would be exactly what I needed to read (as so often it is) and put on my "Faith Songs" CD I had made for myself. I felt sorry for Scott as I was having this melt-down, and he was secretly praying for me that God would speak to me specifically for this situation as I read (and all the while hoping it would be a positive message).
I was amazed and overcome as I read Romans 4:13-5:5. It was all about how as Christians we're Abraham's seed and are "heirs" to the promise of Jesus by faith (emphasizing to me how important faith and no doubt is). Then I got to a verse that just amazed me and leaped off the page.
Romans 4:17 "This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before." This was an amazing verse because of how God essentially brought the blighted ovum back to life, and that He might bring into existence the twin we had seen no evidence of. I was sobbing after I read this, because the same God who did this verse back in Abraham's day could do the same thing by substituting my name. Then I knew I had nothing to worry about and my faith was increased again. I believed at that point we would see the twins at the appointment. Then I kept reading and the next part were the verses I claimed and read over and over when they told me I would miscarry--same verses in a different translation than what I quoted earlier.
Romans 4:19-21 "And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father. . .and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised."
I did not search for these verses, but they were the actual readings published for July 18--God's Word is alive!
I was completely touched and ministered to. I'm kind of thankful for my weakness that morning so that God revealed more of Himself. I have no reason to doubt that we are going to have twins this pregnancy. Lord keep my faith strong with no doubt. It was really neat at the appointment, because Scott and I both thought we heard 2 heartbeats when he went from one side of my stomach to the other side--they were off-beat from one another. The doctor didn't do an ultrasound but listened with the heart monitor, and he even said--'this guy's moving around' since he heard strong beats on both sides of my belly. It was enough for me to believe that God was giving us another confirmation of His promise and there was still hope for 2 babies."
"It's hard sometimes, because sometimes you are exactly what you don't want to be. I wanted to have unwavering faith and not be like the Israelites who only believed after they had crossed the Jordan. Yesterday I was feeling really upset--I was at the point where I did not want to go to the doctor. [It had been 4 weeks (I was at week 14) since the last ultrasound, and my body had been feeling similar to how it felt the day we found out Grace had died. Since I didn't really feel very pregnant (not many pregnancy symptoms) I was dreading if we would find out bad news. It's possible the baby could have died after the 10 week ultrasound and I wouldn't know it until this appointment. I was not feeling strong, so I was wishing that if I were going to miscarry it would just happen on its own rather than going to the doctor and being told again it had died. I didn't expect bad news; I just didn't know how I would handle bad news (or how this doctor would handle it). I was having a love-hate relationship with being pregnant that day. It is such a happy time, but it can also be full of deep emotional ups and downs for many women.] I knew I didn't have any reason to believe our baby/babies had died but I also knew that I had a willing heart if that was God's plan (to be glorified). I just was overcome with dread in case somehow this pregnancy wasn't the promise--that it was still to come.
I pulled out my One-Year-Bible hoping that July 18th reading would be exactly what I needed to read (as so often it is) and put on my "Faith Songs" CD I had made for myself. I felt sorry for Scott as I was having this melt-down, and he was secretly praying for me that God would speak to me specifically for this situation as I read (and all the while hoping it would be a positive message).
I was amazed and overcome as I read Romans 4:13-5:5. It was all about how as Christians we're Abraham's seed and are "heirs" to the promise of Jesus by faith (emphasizing to me how important faith and no doubt is). Then I got to a verse that just amazed me and leaped off the page.
Romans 4:17 "This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before." This was an amazing verse because of how God essentially brought the blighted ovum back to life, and that He might bring into existence the twin we had seen no evidence of. I was sobbing after I read this, because the same God who did this verse back in Abraham's day could do the same thing by substituting my name. Then I knew I had nothing to worry about and my faith was increased again. I believed at that point we would see the twins at the appointment. Then I kept reading and the next part were the verses I claimed and read over and over when they told me I would miscarry--same verses in a different translation than what I quoted earlier.
Romans 4:19-21 "And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father. . .and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised."
I did not search for these verses, but they were the actual readings published for July 18--God's Word is alive!
I was completely touched and ministered to. I'm kind of thankful for my weakness that morning so that God revealed more of Himself. I have no reason to doubt that we are going to have twins this pregnancy. Lord keep my faith strong with no doubt. It was really neat at the appointment, because Scott and I both thought we heard 2 heartbeats when he went from one side of my stomach to the other side--they were off-beat from one another. The doctor didn't do an ultrasound but listened with the heart monitor, and he even said--'this guy's moving around' since he heard strong beats on both sides of my belly. It was enough for me to believe that God was giving us another confirmation of His promise and there was still hope for 2 babies."
July 7, 2008
From my journal. . .
"My belly seems to be getting bigger than it did with the other pregnancy. I am exited about the appointment July 18, but I also know we might not know until 20 weeks if there are twins. Sometimes I actually get really sad about Grace with this pregnancy--even though they're completely different--and different maternity clothes with different seasons. Maybe it's because I've relived some of the same good feelings I did as with the pregnancy for her--shopping for clothes, etc. going to doctor's appointments--and it heightens my awareness that this all is not new to me (kind of like if you were engaged a second time). I don't know what it is. I'm so happy to be pregnant and so thankful God gave us this pregnancy so quickly, but sometimes my defense mechanisms don't let me get too excited just in case something has gone wrong. I chose to not see the doctor more often than normal, but when you are in the early stages of pregnancy, 4 weeks does seem a long time, especially since I don't really feel all that pregnant. I think after next Friday I will be much more excited, since it will be the end of the first trimester. Generally once you make it through the first trimester, you don't lose the baby (even though we were one of those rare cases with Grace). I don't want to lose faith."
"My belly seems to be getting bigger than it did with the other pregnancy. I am exited about the appointment July 18, but I also know we might not know until 20 weeks if there are twins. Sometimes I actually get really sad about Grace with this pregnancy--even though they're completely different--and different maternity clothes with different seasons. Maybe it's because I've relived some of the same good feelings I did as with the pregnancy for her--shopping for clothes, etc. going to doctor's appointments--and it heightens my awareness that this all is not new to me (kind of like if you were engaged a second time). I don't know what it is. I'm so happy to be pregnant and so thankful God gave us this pregnancy so quickly, but sometimes my defense mechanisms don't let me get too excited just in case something has gone wrong. I chose to not see the doctor more often than normal, but when you are in the early stages of pregnancy, 4 weeks does seem a long time, especially since I don't really feel all that pregnant. I think after next Friday I will be much more excited, since it will be the end of the first trimester. Generally once you make it through the first trimester, you don't lose the baby (even though we were one of those rare cases with Grace). I don't want to lose faith."
June 10, 2008
We flew back to the States this day to move back from Germany. We will miss our time in Germany, but we are looking forward to the life ahead of us. We had another doctor appointment the day before, but there was still no evidence of twins. I still had hope, because twins are often discovered later--especially if they are mono zygotic (identical), because they often have an identical heartbeat and one hides behind the other. Ours would have to be identical, because there is only one gestational sac, and we don't have the genetic history for fraternal twins.
From my journal. . .
"So the big question that's been on my mind right now is whether or not the twins were promised for this pregnancy. If I look at everything God has spoken, then it is this pregnancy (unless we are going to lose this baby and He's giving me hope for the future). From what He's taught me about faith, He wants us to believe even when the evidence is not there (that's what faith is right?). Right now it's pretty obvious there is only one baby, but Abraham believed even in spite of everything that God had the power to do what He said He would do. So maybe God's not finished--we'll see what God wants to do."
From my journal. . .
"So the big question that's been on my mind right now is whether or not the twins were promised for this pregnancy. If I look at everything God has spoken, then it is this pregnancy (unless we are going to lose this baby and He's giving me hope for the future). From what He's taught me about faith, He wants us to believe even when the evidence is not there (that's what faith is right?). Right now it's pretty obvious there is only one baby, but Abraham believed even in spite of everything that God had the power to do what He said He would do. So maybe God's not finished--we'll see what God wants to do."
May 30, 2008 Exciting News. . .
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I don't know how to thank You. Today, just like in the story of Lazarus, God allowed him to die so that Jesus could reveal His glory. I was so nervous today but at the same time had a lot of peace. Right before the exam she said she had completed the paperwork for the D&C but we'd do the ultrasound first. She flippantly said 'miracles do happen.' (and I was thinking--'oh Lord, let it be this time'). Then she started the ultrasound and at first it looked empty--she then turned the screen to me and said 'I don't know if you want to see'--of course I was very excited to see--then she continued the ultrasound and said 'my God' and turned the sound on so we could hear the heartbeat. Scott said 'there's a baby in there.' She said everything looked perfect--the baby, the yolk sac (which is only perfectly round in a healthy pregnancy). As she was getting the measurements I told her of God's promise that I would be pregnant in April and that people all over the world had been praying for this baby. (the best I could explain it). She said she couldn't medically explain it any other way but that it was a miracle. She also said that with the hormone levels the only other explanation would be twins (but we could only see one baby and no evidence of twins). Scott and I were looking for two and afterwards we both said that we thought we'd seen 2 heartbeats simultaneously. I'm so humbled by the whole thing. Why me? Is it just because I asked God to speak to me and I believed? The people in the Bible have taught me so much.
It was a beautiful sight on that screen--it was a perfect looking baby--not just a fuzzy blob--with its heart beating strong in its chest as if to say "I'm alive and I'm in here!" [To think we were just days away from taking its life (or if I had taken the pill at the beginning) makes me encourage any woman with this diagnosis to wait it out until you start actually bleeding (unless you are at a risk for an infection). Even though it is emotionally draining--wait it out.]
I praise Him for so many reasons. Lord, that was an awesome sight today.
I felt like it came to me the other day that I had come full circle-just like the Israelites when they finally went into the Promised Land.
God is faithful."
"Lord, I don't know how to thank You. Today, just like in the story of Lazarus, God allowed him to die so that Jesus could reveal His glory. I was so nervous today but at the same time had a lot of peace. Right before the exam she said she had completed the paperwork for the D&C but we'd do the ultrasound first. She flippantly said 'miracles do happen.' (and I was thinking--'oh Lord, let it be this time'). Then she started the ultrasound and at first it looked empty--she then turned the screen to me and said 'I don't know if you want to see'--of course I was very excited to see--then she continued the ultrasound and said 'my God' and turned the sound on so we could hear the heartbeat. Scott said 'there's a baby in there.' She said everything looked perfect--the baby, the yolk sac (which is only perfectly round in a healthy pregnancy). As she was getting the measurements I told her of God's promise that I would be pregnant in April and that people all over the world had been praying for this baby. (the best I could explain it). She said she couldn't medically explain it any other way but that it was a miracle. She also said that with the hormone levels the only other explanation would be twins (but we could only see one baby and no evidence of twins). Scott and I were looking for two and afterwards we both said that we thought we'd seen 2 heartbeats simultaneously. I'm so humbled by the whole thing. Why me? Is it just because I asked God to speak to me and I believed? The people in the Bible have taught me so much.
It was a beautiful sight on that screen--it was a perfect looking baby--not just a fuzzy blob--with its heart beating strong in its chest as if to say "I'm alive and I'm in here!" [To think we were just days away from taking its life (or if I had taken the pill at the beginning) makes me encourage any woman with this diagnosis to wait it out until you start actually bleeding (unless you are at a risk for an infection). Even though it is emotionally draining--wait it out.]
I praise Him for so many reasons. Lord, that was an awesome sight today.
I felt like it came to me the other day that I had come full circle-just like the Israelites when they finally went into the Promised Land.
God is faithful."
May 29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Today everything in our house was packed and loaded ready to get on the boat. The Lord was gracious and helped me so much. I am still feeling pregnant and tomorrow we have an appointment at 10:30. Although I know that your body can still act pregnant even if you are going to miscarry, we are praying that there will be no doubt in the doctor's mind that everything is okay and there are twins. Obviously, if there is nothing there we will still have to believe until I actually do miscarry, but for the sake of everyone here it would be wonderful to have it confirmed tomorrow. Lord I know it will all happen in your timing. We are nervous, but in a good way--hoping that science will reveal the truth and prove God's faithfulness to show the world He keeps His promises. I am very excited--I just can't wait, and people all over the world are praying. I'm just praying it will be easy for her to see, because she doesn't have much time."
"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matt. 10:31
"Today everything in our house was packed and loaded ready to get on the boat. The Lord was gracious and helped me so much. I am still feeling pregnant and tomorrow we have an appointment at 10:30. Although I know that your body can still act pregnant even if you are going to miscarry, we are praying that there will be no doubt in the doctor's mind that everything is okay and there are twins. Obviously, if there is nothing there we will still have to believe until I actually do miscarry, but for the sake of everyone here it would be wonderful to have it confirmed tomorrow. Lord I know it will all happen in your timing. We are nervous, but in a good way--hoping that science will reveal the truth and prove God's faithfulness to show the world He keeps His promises. I am very excited--I just can't wait, and people all over the world are praying. I'm just praying it will be easy for her to see, because she doesn't have much time."
"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matt. 10:31
May 21, 2008
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I'm so sorry I've been so focused on me, but I do know this is the faith journey You have me/us on. There are so many things going on in my head right now--I have no idea how we'll get ready for this move--by God's grace. There is a field of red poppies right by our house--every time I drive by them, it's almost as if God is saying "don't forget this time" since the symbolism of the flower is "never forget." I was looking at our Italian painting with the red poppies that will be in our new house--I will never forget driving by these every day--it will always remind me of this journey. It's been a faith journey since December 18. I am so humbled and brought to tears at how huge this whole thing is--God spoke that to me when Grace died--that this was something for the greater good--but I was thinking church and a few friends. Now with this miracle, it will touch believers in China, Beruit, New Hampshire, here, and around America. Oh Lord, let it be twins. And help us to communicate it with the rest of the world the way You want us to. Help me to believe and not doubt.
God You are amazing--that I can be going through something like this but actually be okay. You really do shelter us--I am sheltered by the Most High. Last night you brought me comfort in the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-54. "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God will received glory from this. Lazarus is dead. And for your sake I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me."
God is doing a mighty work of faith in many people--now I don't know when He'll reveal Himself.
Before I even found out I was pregnant, I sensed that I had a story to tell--but I didn't know it really wasn't finished."
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I'm so sorry I've been so focused on me, but I do know this is the faith journey You have me/us on. There are so many things going on in my head right now--I have no idea how we'll get ready for this move--by God's grace. There is a field of red poppies right by our house--every time I drive by them, it's almost as if God is saying "don't forget this time" since the symbolism of the flower is "never forget." I was looking at our Italian painting with the red poppies that will be in our new house--I will never forget driving by these every day--it will always remind me of this journey. It's been a faith journey since December 18. I am so humbled and brought to tears at how huge this whole thing is--God spoke that to me when Grace died--that this was something for the greater good--but I was thinking church and a few friends. Now with this miracle, it will touch believers in China, Beruit, New Hampshire, here, and around America. Oh Lord, let it be twins. And help us to communicate it with the rest of the world the way You want us to. Help me to believe and not doubt.
God You are amazing--that I can be going through something like this but actually be okay. You really do shelter us--I am sheltered by the Most High. Last night you brought me comfort in the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-54. "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God will received glory from this. Lazarus is dead. And for your sake I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me."
God is doing a mighty work of faith in many people--now I don't know when He'll reveal Himself.
Before I even found out I was pregnant, I sensed that I had a story to tell--but I didn't know it really wasn't finished."
May 20, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I am so overwhelmed today--there is so much to do and I am getting so tired from the pregnancy. I need your help and grace to get everything done. Lord, I'm sorry my prayers have been so focused on me and my situation. Lord, I want a miracle so badly, but I guess I'm not sure if we'll see it by May 30. This morning I was encouraged by a woman on the misdiagnosed miscarriage website who had lower hormone levels and gave birth to a healthy girl. She also said that a tilted uterus often shows an earlier pregnancy.
I'm believing God!
I do hope that May 30 we will see twins.
Yesterday in one of my Bible studies we looked up some verses, and one was about God remembering Rachel and her giving birth to a son. My name is the same Hebrew for Rachel, so I was wondering. . .
God is a God of order and perfection--so many things have lined up so far.
"Lord I am so overwhelmed today--there is so much to do and I am getting so tired from the pregnancy. I need your help and grace to get everything done. Lord, I'm sorry my prayers have been so focused on me and my situation. Lord, I want a miracle so badly, but I guess I'm not sure if we'll see it by May 30. This morning I was encouraged by a woman on the misdiagnosed miscarriage website who had lower hormone levels and gave birth to a healthy girl. She also said that a tilted uterus often shows an earlier pregnancy.
I'm believing God!
I do hope that May 30 we will see twins.
Yesterday in one of my Bible studies we looked up some verses, and one was about God remembering Rachel and her giving birth to a son. My name is the same Hebrew for Rachel, so I was wondering. . .
God is a God of order and perfection--so many things have lined up so far.
May 19, 2008
I had made it through the weekend with no miscarriage--it was definitely hard to battle every twinge of pain with resolve to believe and keeping the faith until Monday. At this point I also knew that it could take 2 more weeks before my body recognizes the baby hasn't been growing before it decides to miscarry. But, I was holding on. We decided to set my next appointment for May 30. If I had not miscarried by then, my doctor was going to schedule me for a D&C the following Monday so I could recover before we moved back to the States June 10.
From my journal. . .
"The news wasn't exactly what we were hoping for--my hormone levels are rising but not at the rate they're supposed to. I was 13,000 on Thursday and 33,000 today when it should have been in the 50,000s. She said it was showing that I had an abnormal pregnancy and would probably still miscarry. It was hard to keep the faith for a little while, but I discovered a website that was very encouraging--called the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage (www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com). [There are stories of people who were also diagnosed with blighted ovums or told they were going to miscarry who gave birth to healthy babies. Some of them do end up miscarrying, but I only needed to hear 1 story to have hope.]
I hope that God does something very clear so that by the time May 30 comes around, there is no doubt that things are fine. [I didn't want there to be a baby there that she thought looked deformed or unable to survive]. Otherwise, I don't know how I'll convince her I still want to wait things out (she was worried about me miscarrying on the long flight back). I don't want to give up yet, but I also realize the longer it drags out, the harder it will be physically and emotionally."
Ps. 116:1-19
From my journal. . .
"The news wasn't exactly what we were hoping for--my hormone levels are rising but not at the rate they're supposed to. I was 13,000 on Thursday and 33,000 today when it should have been in the 50,000s. She said it was showing that I had an abnormal pregnancy and would probably still miscarry. It was hard to keep the faith for a little while, but I discovered a website that was very encouraging--called the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage (www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com). [There are stories of people who were also diagnosed with blighted ovums or told they were going to miscarry who gave birth to healthy babies. Some of them do end up miscarrying, but I only needed to hear 1 story to have hope.]
I hope that God does something very clear so that by the time May 30 comes around, there is no doubt that things are fine. [I didn't want there to be a baby there that she thought looked deformed or unable to survive]. Otherwise, I don't know how I'll convince her I still want to wait things out (she was worried about me miscarrying on the long flight back). I don't want to give up yet, but I also realize the longer it drags out, the harder it will be physically and emotionally."
Ps. 116:1-19
May 18, 2008
From my journal. . .
"God you have been with me ever since we got the news. Your hand has been working on so many people's hearts. I do feel like when I asked God to speak to me Thursday He said He had already spoken, which led me to believe that He was going to keep His promise of our babies in April and they would not die. People's faith is increasing as they pray for a miracle, so I know He who is able will do something beyond our comprehension or imagination. This morning I awoke with diarrhea so I didn't want to go to church. I read my faith verses and Romans 4 and started getting ready for church. Thankfully I was fine once I was there. Scott asked if we should stop by the office, and a good friend of ours got up the courage to tell us that his heart had been so burdened for us and that years ago he found out his spiritual gift was healing (through a spiritual gifts class/questionnaire). He felt like God was leading him to try out his gift, because he never had, and if it was okay with us he wanted to pray over me. I was so touched and encouraged and after that I told him God was going to honor him stepping out in boldness, because it was not easy for him. After I came home, I knew it was not possible to have any more doubt--God was going to heal our babies if he had led this man to step out in faith with his gift.
Having twins at this stage is an even bigger miracle than I ever imagined. Before this I was expecting twins, but now when we really find out, it is going to be huge! Lord, I just thank you for how You're increasing the faith of all of these people."
"God you have been with me ever since we got the news. Your hand has been working on so many people's hearts. I do feel like when I asked God to speak to me Thursday He said He had already spoken, which led me to believe that He was going to keep His promise of our babies in April and they would not die. People's faith is increasing as they pray for a miracle, so I know He who is able will do something beyond our comprehension or imagination. This morning I awoke with diarrhea so I didn't want to go to church. I read my faith verses and Romans 4 and started getting ready for church. Thankfully I was fine once I was there. Scott asked if we should stop by the office, and a good friend of ours got up the courage to tell us that his heart had been so burdened for us and that years ago he found out his spiritual gift was healing (through a spiritual gifts class/questionnaire). He felt like God was leading him to try out his gift, because he never had, and if it was okay with us he wanted to pray over me. I was so touched and encouraged and after that I told him God was going to honor him stepping out in boldness, because it was not easy for him. After I came home, I knew it was not possible to have any more doubt--God was going to heal our babies if he had led this man to step out in faith with his gift.
Having twins at this stage is an even bigger miracle than I ever imagined. Before this I was expecting twins, but now when we really find out, it is going to be huge! Lord, I just thank you for how You're increasing the faith of all of these people."
May 17, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Your Word says that if we ask in Your name and believe it has been completed, it will be done. Lord we continue to pray that Your work and Your glory be revealed with these babies. Jesus, we cry out to you for a miracle, and we believe you have the power to complete what You promised--redeeming and restoring what was lost with Grace.
I was feeling less strong this morning, and God reminded me of Abraham and Isaac, and how God had promised many nations through Isaac, but then God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Abraham believed that promise would be fulfilled somehow, so he trusted God up to the last minute when God provided a different sacrifice.
I have to believe the dream He gave me and the little things that keep happening--I got home from the doctor, and the internet page headline was "Faith in God." Just before we went to the doctor I had read Scott all of the promises. Lord please strengthen his faith. Thank you for keeping me strong.
The same Jesus who healed a blind man--he was blind from birth so that God's glory would be revealed--is the same Jesus today who does miracles. Lord please increase Scott's faith. God, guard his mind from doubt and confusion.
I can't thank You enough for giving us so many people praying in faith. You are our healer and redeemer. Lord protect me from fear."
"Your Word says that if we ask in Your name and believe it has been completed, it will be done. Lord we continue to pray that Your work and Your glory be revealed with these babies. Jesus, we cry out to you for a miracle, and we believe you have the power to complete what You promised--redeeming and restoring what was lost with Grace.
I was feeling less strong this morning, and God reminded me of Abraham and Isaac, and how God had promised many nations through Isaac, but then God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Abraham believed that promise would be fulfilled somehow, so he trusted God up to the last minute when God provided a different sacrifice.
I have to believe the dream He gave me and the little things that keep happening--I got home from the doctor, and the internet page headline was "Faith in God." Just before we went to the doctor I had read Scott all of the promises. Lord please strengthen his faith. Thank you for keeping me strong.
The same Jesus who healed a blind man--he was blind from birth so that God's glory would be revealed--is the same Jesus today who does miracles. Lord please increase Scott's faith. God, guard his mind from doubt and confusion.
I can't thank You enough for giving us so many people praying in faith. You are our healer and redeemer. Lord protect me from fear."
More Testing. . .
May 15, 2008
We went in for the first check-up at the doctor, and she said the ultrasound looked like a 4.5 week old instead of a 6.5 week baby. She should have seen a heartbeat. She said they would run some bloodwork for the hormone levels, and if my levels were those of a 4.5 weeker, we would just assume my dates are off. She called me a couple of hours later, and my hormone levels were that of a 6.5 week old baby--and I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum--basically an empty gestational sac with no baby--the embryo had stopped growing. She said I would most likely miscarry over the weekend or I could take a pill to speed up the process; or I could just wait. Instantly, my mind thought, well if the baby has already died, (and we're assuming it would have died 2 weeks ago) then taking the pill made sense so I didn't have to wait for the miscarriage. Then, I thought "of course I'll wait it out!--in the event that God wants to do something amazing, I do not want to get in the way of Him healing this baby." I had the courage to ask if my hormone levels might be high if I'm having twins, and she said it is only a 1% chance--that was enough to give me hope, though. I also asked her if I could come back Monday to have my hormone levels checked again, so I could see if they were on their way down (showing I was about to miscarry) or where they were at.
This was all hard news to hear--I basically told people that the doctor didn't expect our baby to live, because until I started bleeding, I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay. The reality of my faith lesson became even more real--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." The scientific evidence was there on the ultrasound and hormone level, but I knew God was bigger than any of it and had the power to give life.
Nicole was incredible this day--she immediately gave me confidence that this was not over--God had promised this baby, and we weren't giving up!
From my journal. . .
"Today the doctor told us that our baby will not live so I've been through a lot of emotions. Right now, even though it's crazy, I am believing God that this pregnancy is not over.
from Nicole: Isaiah 59:21, Ps 30:6-12
Lord I pray you make science wrong. Lord You knew this appointment would happen today so I know You are not surprised. Be near oh, God. I want to hear from You. Immediately I felt like God was saying "I have spoken before" so I was reminded of the last things He had spoken to me and everything leading up to this pregnancy.
I don't want to have little faith. He has given me Ps 111 the last few days.
Ps. 112:7 "He (a righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Ps 113--from the rising of the sun to the setting of it "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
He is not a God of broken promises.
Heb 10:23 "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
Ps 34: 1-10
"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears.". .
Lord, set me free from fears and help me to trust You each day until Monday. Anything is possible if a person believes God.
Rom 4:18 "Against all hope Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
{A verse I had forgotten about in my believing God study that has become my theme verse}
Lord, thank you for the believers You have surrounded us with to pray in faith that our baby/babies would be healed. Jesus, thank you that you hear our prayers. I just can't seem to believe that God would promise a fake pregnancy and have me give a testimony in front of church Sunday just to come back the next week and take it all back. [of course, I do not want to presume to know the mind of God, and sometimes He does things we don't understand, but I did believe He was in the business of increasing people's faith, not tearing it down.]
Lord, we cry out to you and others who are interceding for us that everything will work out. I pray it's Your will for this to be a viable pregnancy."
We went in for the first check-up at the doctor, and she said the ultrasound looked like a 4.5 week old instead of a 6.5 week baby. She should have seen a heartbeat. She said they would run some bloodwork for the hormone levels, and if my levels were those of a 4.5 weeker, we would just assume my dates are off. She called me a couple of hours later, and my hormone levels were that of a 6.5 week old baby--and I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum--basically an empty gestational sac with no baby--the embryo had stopped growing. She said I would most likely miscarry over the weekend or I could take a pill to speed up the process; or I could just wait. Instantly, my mind thought, well if the baby has already died, (and we're assuming it would have died 2 weeks ago) then taking the pill made sense so I didn't have to wait for the miscarriage. Then, I thought "of course I'll wait it out!--in the event that God wants to do something amazing, I do not want to get in the way of Him healing this baby." I had the courage to ask if my hormone levels might be high if I'm having twins, and she said it is only a 1% chance--that was enough to give me hope, though. I also asked her if I could come back Monday to have my hormone levels checked again, so I could see if they were on their way down (showing I was about to miscarry) or where they were at.
This was all hard news to hear--I basically told people that the doctor didn't expect our baby to live, because until I started bleeding, I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay. The reality of my faith lesson became even more real--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." The scientific evidence was there on the ultrasound and hormone level, but I knew God was bigger than any of it and had the power to give life.
Nicole was incredible this day--she immediately gave me confidence that this was not over--God had promised this baby, and we weren't giving up!
From my journal. . .
"Today the doctor told us that our baby will not live so I've been through a lot of emotions. Right now, even though it's crazy, I am believing God that this pregnancy is not over.
from Nicole: Isaiah 59:21, Ps 30:6-12
Lord I pray you make science wrong. Lord You knew this appointment would happen today so I know You are not surprised. Be near oh, God. I want to hear from You. Immediately I felt like God was saying "I have spoken before" so I was reminded of the last things He had spoken to me and everything leading up to this pregnancy.
I don't want to have little faith. He has given me Ps 111 the last few days.
Ps. 112:7 "He (a righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Ps 113--from the rising of the sun to the setting of it "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
He is not a God of broken promises.
Heb 10:23 "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
Ps 34: 1-10
"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears.". .
Lord, set me free from fears and help me to trust You each day until Monday. Anything is possible if a person believes God.
Rom 4:18 "Against all hope Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
{A verse I had forgotten about in my believing God study that has become my theme verse}
Lord, thank you for the believers You have surrounded us with to pray in faith that our baby/babies would be healed. Jesus, thank you that you hear our prayers. I just can't seem to believe that God would promise a fake pregnancy and have me give a testimony in front of church Sunday just to come back the next week and take it all back. [of course, I do not want to presume to know the mind of God, and sometimes He does things we don't understand, but I did believe He was in the business of increasing people's faith, not tearing it down.]
Lord, we cry out to you and others who are interceding for us that everything will work out. I pray it's Your will for this to be a viable pregnancy."
May 10, 2008 Mother's Day Eve
Saturday evening before Mother's Day. . .
From my journal. . .
"I remember waking up the morning after our baby died and just wailing, not only for Day 1: Life II, but for what I was to go through. God was with me through everything--healing me after the procedure and miraculously healing my heart. Yes, I felt like He was blessing me amidst the grief. Lord, I feel like I have a testimony of Your goodness, but I don't know how much to share for church. There are so many truths about You I learned through this:
From my journal. . .
"I remember waking up the morning after our baby died and just wailing, not only for Day 1: Life II, but for what I was to go through. God was with me through everything--healing me after the procedure and miraculously healing my heart. Yes, I felt like He was blessing me amidst the grief. Lord, I feel like I have a testimony of Your goodness, but I don't know how much to share for church. There are so many truths about You I learned through this:
- Your deep love for those who are hurting
- Your timing is perfect--time comes to You
- You do turn ashes to beauty and give us hope
It's been such a faith journey, and I am so completely thankful that I'm pregnant, and at the same time I am so stunned. Mother's Day tomorrow is only sad if I do not choose to believe and hope in God's promise of our twins."
[I spent an hour this evening trying to prepare a testimony for church--I wanted to let people know the news but also summarize how amazing it all was--not just that I was pregnant, but how God had fulfilled His promise. I felt like there was too much to say, so I decided to just tell people one on one and prayed that God would lead me to tell whoever I should tell, and then maybe Wednesday I would tell the whole story to our small group. Scott and I were leading the music in the morning, and I knew that many people in church would be worried about my emotions since it was going to be Mother's Day. When I awoke Sunday morning, I breathed a prayer that if God wanted me to give a testimony to just work it into the morning and speak the words He wanted me to say--I knew there was a lot already on the schedule.
There was a MOPS presentation in which they gave all of the ladies of the church flowers in honor of Mother's Day. I had that sense that people were watching me to see if I was okay--I knew people were deeply concerned. Shortly after the presentation, a dear lady from our small group walked over in front of us and asked "Is there something you're not telling us?" of course I told her "yes" and then she started crying and praising God, and of course, I always cry if someone else is, so I started crying. Then I looked at Scott and said, I'm going to have to go up there now and give a testimony, because I knew that everyone in the church would think I was crying because I was upset. I don't really remember what all I said, but I did briefly mention how God had miraculously healed me emotionally and that I felt like He was promising me to get pregnant soon with twins. I encouraged others to keep believing God and having faith, and then ended by saying that this Mother's Day, I am a mother-to-be. So it was very exciting and I knew God had wanted it that way. Bonnie said that they could just tell by looking at me, so she had to come ask :)]
May 8, 2008
The first couple of days after the positive pregnancy test I had no fear or doubts, because I was in such awe about how God had fulfilled His promise. I wasn't concerned at all about a miscarriage, because I believed if God had promised this baby/babies, there was nothing to worry about. Then, this day it seemed like I was under attack, and literally every 5 minutes I was having these thoughts pop in my head "you don't know this baby is going to live" and things like that-I had to constantly refute them that if God was going to take the time to reveal that I would be pregnant at this time, that it wasn't going to die
From my journal. . .
"Oh Lord, You have done this marvelous work, but Satan wants to mess with my mind. Some hours it is such a fight to not be concerned about this pregnancy, and I constantly have to remind myself that God promised this baby (these babies). Lord, clothe my mind in Your truth. Protect these babies from harm.
Lord help me to not be like the Israelites who only finally believed your promises after they had crossed the Red Sea. Help me to continue to trust now--from now until the next 34 weeks. It is truly an amazing gift you have given us. Help me not to wonder if this is Your will for me to carry these babies full-term. Help me to always trust that these babies are the twins You've promised. I don't know why it's so hard to trust now that the promise is fulfilled."
From my journal. . .
"Oh Lord, You have done this marvelous work, but Satan wants to mess with my mind. Some hours it is such a fight to not be concerned about this pregnancy, and I constantly have to remind myself that God promised this baby (these babies). Lord, clothe my mind in Your truth. Protect these babies from harm.
Lord help me to not be like the Israelites who only finally believed your promises after they had crossed the Red Sea. Help me to continue to trust now--from now until the next 34 weeks. It is truly an amazing gift you have given us. Help me not to wonder if this is Your will for me to carry these babies full-term. Help me to always trust that these babies are the twins You've promised. I don't know why it's so hard to trust now that the promise is fulfilled."
May 6, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I am still in awe that I'm actually pregnant, and I am so excited for the future--sometimes I can't believe it. I am so at peace with this pregnancy--it's so different than the last one, because I know what I can eat, etc. and what the feelings mean. I just trust they are twin boys, but I am aware this might not be the timing for that. Although, there's no reason it wouldn't be based on everything God spoke. Mary and Elizabeth knew in the Bible, even without technology, because God spoke to them.
I am just so overwhelmed with thankfulness and awe. I do have to choose to not be fearful of a miscarriage."
"I am still in awe that I'm actually pregnant, and I am so excited for the future--sometimes I can't believe it. I am so at peace with this pregnancy--it's so different than the last one, because I know what I can eat, etc. and what the feelings mean. I just trust they are twin boys, but I am aware this might not be the timing for that. Although, there's no reason it wouldn't be based on everything God spoke. Mary and Elizabeth knew in the Bible, even without technology, because God spoke to them.
I am just so overwhelmed with thankfulness and awe. I do have to choose to not be fearful of a miscarriage."
May 4, 2008
From my journal. . .
"This morning my pregnancy test was positive. It's hard to believe it's really true even though I thought that's what God was speaking. I took a test a couple of days ago, and it was negative, but I kept belieivng and hoping. God is so amazing--I am in awe that He gave us this incredible gift."
[I remember taking the test and believing it was going to be positive, because when I awoke, I just knew I was pregnant. When I actually saw the results, it validated that God had said I would conceive April 14. That was pretty amazing for both Scott and I to understand. I was really nervous and excited to tell my parents, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Thankfully we were on a long drive into France that day, so I could tell them everything before they went back to the States the next day.]
"This morning my pregnancy test was positive. It's hard to believe it's really true even though I thought that's what God was speaking. I took a test a couple of days ago, and it was negative, but I kept belieivng and hoping. God is so amazing--I am in awe that He gave us this incredible gift."
[I remember taking the test and believing it was going to be positive, because when I awoke, I just knew I was pregnant. When I actually saw the results, it validated that God had said I would conceive April 14. That was pretty amazing for both Scott and I to understand. I was really nervous and excited to tell my parents, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Thankfully we were on a long drive into France that day, so I could tell them everything before they went back to the States the next day.]
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Back to the trip in Holland. . .
In my second post I have pictures that were taken while we were in Holland, and the soft pink tulips that were a message of comfort in memory of little Grace around her due date. I took the pregnancy test the day before her due date, and it was negative. Although, I still kept remembering God's lesson to me when I got up in the middle of the night to take a pregnancy test that was negative, and He spoke--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." Obviously the evidence was saying that I wasn't pregnant, but if He really did speak that April 14 is when I would be pregnant with the twins, then I couldn't stop believing.
I took another pregnancy test May 2 while we were still in Holland and it still was negative. Scott and I went on a walk through the windmills, and I told him that I felt pregnant--I knew now what that felt like--but that the pregnancy test was negative again. It was such a special memory, because we had a great conversation about how I believed God had healed me so quickly emotionally (miraculously--just like people are physically healed) to possibly be pregnant so soon again. I felt ready to have another pregnancy and not be constantly reliving the emotional scars. I was still determined to believe even though the evidence was not there.
I took another pregnancy test May 2 while we were still in Holland and it still was negative. Scott and I went on a walk through the windmills, and I told him that I felt pregnant--I knew now what that felt like--but that the pregnancy test was negative again. It was such a special memory, because we had a great conversation about how I believed God had healed me so quickly emotionally (miraculously--just like people are physically healed) to possibly be pregnant so soon again. I felt ready to have another pregnancy and not be constantly reliving the emotional scars. I was still determined to believe even though the evidence was not there.
April 21, 2008
I remember struggling during these weeks that--"why me? why would God be so good to me to promise me this, when I know there are millions of women out there waiting to be pregnant." I wanted them to get the same messages! My friend Shannon had some comforting insight--she said that after reading a book about George Mueller, she learned that God sometimes picks people to reveal these works simply because He wants to increase the faith of many people. So, I rested in that--all the while hoping and praying that God would also speak to other longing women. Maybe God would speak to them when or how to trust or maybe give them counsel if they should adopt or do something more scientific. I do pray that. . .
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I won't be disappointed with Your will, even if I find out I'm not pregnant on Wednesday. It's hard to know what to believe--what to have faith in--do I choose to believe it is this month or just wait and see what happens. Is my body holding our two boys already? I don't physically feel pregnant, but I know God said to believe even when the evidence is not there [don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence]. There are only 3 more days, but I do want to believe to the fullest if this is what God promised for this month. I want to long to be at Jesus' feet just like Pepper [our dog] is content to lie at my feet in peace."
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I won't be disappointed with Your will, even if I find out I'm not pregnant on Wednesday. It's hard to know what to believe--what to have faith in--do I choose to believe it is this month or just wait and see what happens. Is my body holding our two boys already? I don't physically feel pregnant, but I know God said to believe even when the evidence is not there [don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence]. There are only 3 more days, but I do want to believe to the fullest if this is what God promised for this month. I want to long to be at Jesus' feet just like Pepper [our dog] is content to lie at my feet in peace."
April 17, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Our due date is nearing, but I don't even know what I'm feeling. I guess because my brain knows that it's not reality. Sometimes I daydream about how big I would be by now, but I guess I know that I will be that way someday. I guess I really am crazy, because my hope for being pregnant now and finding out around the due date is so alive now that I'm more focused on that than the death. I suppose that I've been miraculously healed emotionally.
The truth of my secret is that I feel like I know I'm pregnant. I don't know why, but it just feels true. We will find out in a few days, but even though I'm not having any signs it just is what I sense. I could be totally crazy, but the thought of being disappointed at the end of this month doesn't even cross my mind. Lord, I don' t want to be crazy, but I also want to believe the unbelievable. I have no doubt that when we are pregnant we will have twins. Lord help me not to forget the faith journey You've brought me through."
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36
"Our due date is nearing, but I don't even know what I'm feeling. I guess because my brain knows that it's not reality. Sometimes I daydream about how big I would be by now, but I guess I know that I will be that way someday. I guess I really am crazy, because my hope for being pregnant now and finding out around the due date is so alive now that I'm more focused on that than the death. I suppose that I've been miraculously healed emotionally.
The truth of my secret is that I feel like I know I'm pregnant. I don't know why, but it just feels true. We will find out in a few days, but even though I'm not having any signs it just is what I sense. I could be totally crazy, but the thought of being disappointed at the end of this month doesn't even cross my mind. Lord, I don' t want to be crazy, but I also want to believe the unbelievable. I have no doubt that when we are pregnant we will have twins. Lord help me not to forget the faith journey You've brought me through."
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36
April 14, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord, if I am pregnant today, help me to never lose faith in You and trust You always like I've had to trust You. Sometimes I feel a little crazy, because I'm pretty convinced that I am pregnant today--I have that peace that it is true, just like I knew I had the job at the Governor's Office--my parents thought I was crazy to sign a lease without a job, but I knew it was how God was leading me-to not look for another job but to wait until they confirmed I had received the job. I felt like God was saying something special about April 14. This morning I woke up so peaceful. I went to my Beth Moore Believing God study wondering what I was going to learn--if it was going to be something powerful today, and when I got there Johnnie pulled me aside and asked me if I was pregnant. I was stunned and overcome. I told her--'why?' and said 'I don't know. . .' (tears welling up in my eyes)--then she asked if I knew for sure I wasn't pregnant, and I said, 'no.' I told her that God had been speaking to me something about this date. She said I had been on her mind a lot the last couple of days, and she had something she felt she was supposed to give me. When I opened it, it was a book on parenting twins. The whole thing was very surreal. She knew I was believing God for twins, but the timing of the conversation was amazing. I think that's why I'm at peace right now. It's almost as if there is no way I can't possibly believe. God is miraculous and amazing, and He has a perfect order to everything. I am overwhelmed at His love. Thank you, Lord, for sending such a clear message. Lord, there is so much You've taught me through this. I cannot thank you enough."
[I remember thinking--"even if I am not pregnant, God wanted me to have that message today as confirmation of His promise to give us twins."]
"Lord, if I am pregnant today, help me to never lose faith in You and trust You always like I've had to trust You. Sometimes I feel a little crazy, because I'm pretty convinced that I am pregnant today--I have that peace that it is true, just like I knew I had the job at the Governor's Office--my parents thought I was crazy to sign a lease without a job, but I knew it was how God was leading me-to not look for another job but to wait until they confirmed I had received the job. I felt like God was saying something special about April 14. This morning I woke up so peaceful. I went to my Beth Moore Believing God study wondering what I was going to learn--if it was going to be something powerful today, and when I got there Johnnie pulled me aside and asked me if I was pregnant. I was stunned and overcome. I told her--'why?' and said 'I don't know. . .' (tears welling up in my eyes)--then she asked if I knew for sure I wasn't pregnant, and I said, 'no.' I told her that God had been speaking to me something about this date. She said I had been on her mind a lot the last couple of days, and she had something she felt she was supposed to give me. When I opened it, it was a book on parenting twins. The whole thing was very surreal. She knew I was believing God for twins, but the timing of the conversation was amazing. I think that's why I'm at peace right now. It's almost as if there is no way I can't possibly believe. God is miraculous and amazing, and He has a perfect order to everything. I am overwhelmed at His love. Thank you, Lord, for sending such a clear message. Lord, there is so much You've taught me through this. I cannot thank you enough."
[I remember thinking--"even if I am not pregnant, God wanted me to have that message today as confirmation of His promise to give us twins."]
April 12, 2008
Aahh-the month of April. I didn't really know what to expect for myself this month--A lot of people who have lost babies really struggle when their due date is near, because they are having to start over. For me, I did think about what might have been, but I also was so full of hope, because this was the first month we were allowed to start trying again. Jamie and I found out we were pregnant at the same time, so in some ways it was a relief when she delivered early, because then I didn't have to think about her due date coming up--it just kind of hit me by surprise, and then it was already over. I also knew that other people were thinking about me and praying for me, and then sometimes you do feel like telling the world--"I was supposed to be having a baby now" but that doesn't really work into conversations. I was so looking forward to my baby shower and sharing our baby with everyone in our church that we had come to know so well and who had been so excited with us. I think I was really hoping to get pregnant before we moved just to close that chapter with our church--many of those people we might not see again. I also wanted to be able to share with everyone what I had been keeping to myself all this time, and now I am sharing with you. Of course this was how it was worked out in my mind, but I didn't know what God's plans were. I knew that He knew what was best for our church body for increasing their faith, whether I was pregnant before we moved June 10 or years later.
From my journal. . .
For some reason I sense that God is saying April 14 is significant for conception of our miracle babies, but I'm not quite sure. April 14 also came up again in my reading tonight. Something definitely is going to happen that day--whether I get pregnant or it's something about our church that will happen. My Beth Moore study I randomly did this week was about Mary possibly conceiving on April 14. It's when I am supposed to ovulate so I wondered if God was somehow using that story to communicate it to me--and then the same date came up again in another reading. It could be something larger for our church or maybe that's the date our babies will be conceived as part of how God will show His glory at our church [we'd been praying for a time of revival/refreshment at our church]. Jesus is the Redeemer of the world--He could have been conceived on April 14 at the same time that the Passover is celebrated, which is also when He was the sacrifice for mankind on the cross--this could be the date that in my own little world God redeems what we lost--redeem means to "buy back, or restore." Or it could be the date redemption and repentance begins in our church or the church at large.
From my journal. . .
For some reason I sense that God is saying April 14 is significant for conception of our miracle babies, but I'm not quite sure. April 14 also came up again in my reading tonight. Something definitely is going to happen that day--whether I get pregnant or it's something about our church that will happen. My Beth Moore study I randomly did this week was about Mary possibly conceiving on April 14. It's when I am supposed to ovulate so I wondered if God was somehow using that story to communicate it to me--and then the same date came up again in another reading. It could be something larger for our church or maybe that's the date our babies will be conceived as part of how God will show His glory at our church [we'd been praying for a time of revival/refreshment at our church]. Jesus is the Redeemer of the world--He could have been conceived on April 14 at the same time that the Passover is celebrated, which is also when He was the sacrifice for mankind on the cross--this could be the date that in my own little world God redeems what we lost--redeem means to "buy back, or restore." Or it could be the date redemption and repentance begins in our church or the church at large.
March 27-29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"The Lord keeps reminding me of the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land in Deut. 7-8:20. It has come up in different readings and parts of each study. He promised to bring them there and tested their character and provided for them. He also tells them to remember all of the things He did (miracles) so they will not be afraid when they conquer the other people. Then He also tells them not to forget what He's done when they have finally reached the Promised Land--[what they've been waiting 40 years to see, and I'm sure sometimes doubting God was really going to bring them there. Although, just as we do today, each time God did a miracle to protect or help them, it wasn't long before they were doubting again.] I felt many similarities to my situation as I was reading this passage. I want to keep believing before I ever reach my "Promised Land"--not just because I have reached my Promised Land.
Today I actually am more focused on Jesus than thinking about the promise He's given. Maybe because I am just resting in it or maybe because I am tired. I do want to learn more and more about Jesus."
March 28, 2008
From my journal. . .
"For some reason yesterday and today I have so much peace about the babies--it struck me the promise that "peace will come to you in time." God keeps speaking to me in themes--it seems that I'll read or hear something 3 different times in a matter of a day or two.
Of course I have my ideas of when I wish I'll get pregnant, but I do trust God's perfect plans. I do ask Him to make it soon, but I don't know His will for when these boys are to be brought onto Earth.
I do love you, Lord, for speaking to me so much through all of this and continually making Your Word alive in my life. Please help me to write my blog in the right timing, and help me to say the right things."
March 29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Ps. 68:19 'Praise the Lord, praise God our Savior! For each day He carries us in His arms.'
Deut 8:10-11 'When you have eaten your fill, praise the Lord your God for the good land He has given you. But that is a time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations and laws. When you have it all don't forget that He brought you through the wilderness. 'He did it so you wouldn't think it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy.'
Lord, help me to articulate what you've done for me. And how I'm believing for a miracle of my two boys. As Beth Moore illustrated yesterday that if we're sowing seeds of faith through the Word of God (and all the things He's taught me on this journey) and water them with our tears, we'll reap joy."
"The Lord keeps reminding me of the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land in Deut. 7-8:20. It has come up in different readings and parts of each study. He promised to bring them there and tested their character and provided for them. He also tells them to remember all of the things He did (miracles) so they will not be afraid when they conquer the other people. Then He also tells them not to forget what He's done when they have finally reached the Promised Land--[what they've been waiting 40 years to see, and I'm sure sometimes doubting God was really going to bring them there. Although, just as we do today, each time God did a miracle to protect or help them, it wasn't long before they were doubting again.] I felt many similarities to my situation as I was reading this passage. I want to keep believing before I ever reach my "Promised Land"--not just because I have reached my Promised Land.
Today I actually am more focused on Jesus than thinking about the promise He's given. Maybe because I am just resting in it or maybe because I am tired. I do want to learn more and more about Jesus."
March 28, 2008
From my journal. . .
"For some reason yesterday and today I have so much peace about the babies--it struck me the promise that "peace will come to you in time." God keeps speaking to me in themes--it seems that I'll read or hear something 3 different times in a matter of a day or two.
Of course I have my ideas of when I wish I'll get pregnant, but I do trust God's perfect plans. I do ask Him to make it soon, but I don't know His will for when these boys are to be brought onto Earth.
I do love you, Lord, for speaking to me so much through all of this and continually making Your Word alive in my life. Please help me to write my blog in the right timing, and help me to say the right things."
March 29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Ps. 68:19 'Praise the Lord, praise God our Savior! For each day He carries us in His arms.'
Deut 8:10-11 'When you have eaten your fill, praise the Lord your God for the good land He has given you. But that is a time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations and laws. When you have it all don't forget that He brought you through the wilderness. 'He did it so you wouldn't think it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy.'
Lord, help me to articulate what you've done for me. And how I'm believing for a miracle of my two boys. As Beth Moore illustrated yesterday that if we're sowing seeds of faith through the Word of God (and all the things He's taught me on this journey) and water them with our tears, we'll reap joy."
March 19, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I feel really at peace today. I do long for my little boys. Lord I do long to know You more and to proclaim Your church to the nations. Lord, be with our church--help them to be passionate about You. Lord, let us see miracles; let us see Your power.
Ps. 62:5-6 'I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.'
v. 8 "O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge"
"Help me to receive the words You say every day. Thank you for your grace and mercy."
"I feel really at peace today. I do long for my little boys. Lord I do long to know You more and to proclaim Your church to the nations. Lord, be with our church--help them to be passionate about You. Lord, let us see miracles; let us see Your power.
Ps. 62:5-6 'I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.'
v. 8 "O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge"
"Help me to receive the words You say every day. Thank you for your grace and mercy."
March 18, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I want to have faith like Abraham--he trusted You no matter what. Lord I know Your timing is perfect--whenever You want these boys brought into the world. I am believing for before we move--nothing is impossible with You. Help me to be patient. God, You are so good to us--how could I ever want more. I call to God and the Lord saves me and covers me with His love. Lord help me to receive everything You've promised me and told me every day. Lord, Your hand will guide me--help me to follow You and the path You've carved for me. Thank You, Lord how You've led me to songs to encourage my faith and answer the questions of my heart. Continue to increase Scott's faith.
Lord, thank you for ministering to me. I just read a passage about Jesus from my other study, but of course it is alive for my situation. Matt 13:58 "and he did not do any miracles there because of their lack of faith." Lord help me to be full of faith. [I then thanked the Lord for the miraculous healing of a young man that was medically documented--he had cancer, their church prayed over him, and he went back to the doctor and was cancer free]. Thank you Lord for that testimony of faith.
It was 3 months ago we found out our baby had died. It was God's perfect plan and timing. She was due in a little over a month, but I don't really think about that."
"I want to have faith like Abraham--he trusted You no matter what. Lord I know Your timing is perfect--whenever You want these boys brought into the world. I am believing for before we move--nothing is impossible with You. Help me to be patient. God, You are so good to us--how could I ever want more. I call to God and the Lord saves me and covers me with His love. Lord help me to receive everything You've promised me and told me every day. Lord, Your hand will guide me--help me to follow You and the path You've carved for me. Thank You, Lord how You've led me to songs to encourage my faith and answer the questions of my heart. Continue to increase Scott's faith.
Lord, thank you for ministering to me. I just read a passage about Jesus from my other study, but of course it is alive for my situation. Matt 13:58 "and he did not do any miracles there because of their lack of faith." Lord help me to be full of faith. [I then thanked the Lord for the miraculous healing of a young man that was medically documented--he had cancer, their church prayed over him, and he went back to the doctor and was cancer free]. Thank you Lord for that testimony of faith.
It was 3 months ago we found out our baby had died. It was God's perfect plan and timing. She was due in a little over a month, but I don't really think about that."
March 17, 2008
"This journal will hopefully hold many changes in my (our) lives. Of course, little did I know how many changes and griefs I/we would be bearing in the last journal. Right now I am doing 2 powerful Bible studies by Beth Moore, but I miss my quiet, intimate time with the Lord. Right now I believe He has spoken to me that we'll have boy twins, but I felt little boldness in telling a few ladies earlier today. That is my last test of faith--if I really believe God has promised us twins and He'll do it, then I won't be shy about telling people, because I know it will happen! I just told them to believe with me about having a baby in the next 9 weeks of our study. I do believe I'll get pregnant in March, April, or May-it's the twin part I'm finding hard to believe again. Lord, help me to not doubt.
I just read a passage in my Bible study, and I was going to review yesterday's reading in my One Year Bible, and it was the same passage I had just read in Luke."
Ps. 59:16-17 "I will sing about your power. I will shout with joy each morning because of Your unfailing love. For You have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress. O my strength, to You I sing praises, for You, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love."
I just read a passage in my Bible study, and I was going to review yesterday's reading in my One Year Bible, and it was the same passage I had just read in Luke."
Ps. 59:16-17 "I will sing about your power. I will shout with joy each morning because of Your unfailing love. For You have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress. O my strength, to You I sing praises, for You, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love."
March 16, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I sense (or maybe I want to believe) that I'll be pregnant with the promise in March, April, or May. [even though I wasn't supposed to be pregnant in March by doctor's orders, I didn't know if my timing had been off, keeping it an open possibility] I just have to keep believing and believe enough to tell my friends. My heart longs for my two little boys, ironically not for the little girl I lost.
Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
We'll see what the next journal has in store!
[This is the verse I closed with on the last page of the journal book]
"I sense (or maybe I want to believe) that I'll be pregnant with the promise in March, April, or May. [even though I wasn't supposed to be pregnant in March by doctor's orders, I didn't know if my timing had been off, keeping it an open possibility] I just have to keep believing and believe enough to tell my friends. My heart longs for my two little boys, ironically not for the little girl I lost.
Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
We'll see what the next journal has in store!
[This is the verse I closed with on the last page of the journal book]
March 15, 2008
At this point, the only things that are hard are when people ask us if we have kids, and in my mind I feel like I do have a baby in heaven--that I really am a mom. Some people say things like "oh, you've been married almost 6 years and you don't have kids yet?" I definitely am a lot more sensitive to that with other people now. I also have a hard time thinking about why people would want to get abortions--I remember when I saw Grace's heartbeat when it was just 2 tiny little tubes--she was alive! and then her heart stopped--and why would you want to purposefully do that when you have a baby that is meant to live! I also have a hard time with all the movie stars getting pregnant when there are so many people I know struggling with not being able to have a child--it seems so easy for the movie stars--the public pregnancies don't seem to end in miscarriage or stillbirth.
I forgot to mention a story from a week before--I was on the plane from Dallas back to Germany when I was able to sit with a long-time friend. She was comparing how being single is like the longing a woman has for getting pregnant. She told me a story that had encouraged her during her time in Texas--a woman had 7 miscarriages in a little over a year's time, and she felt that God had spoken she would have 2 more boys. She reached a point where she didn't want to try to get pregnant anymore, because she didn't want to go through the pain again, but God kept confirming what He had spoken. And today, she has 2 more boys. I was so encouraged that God had spoken to another woman similarly to me, and that was just another piece I needed to keep believing.
From my journal. . .
"This week I've kind of lost count of how many weeks it's been since the baby died. It will be 3 months in 3 days. I do think about what I might have looked like when I see really pregnant women and that we would have been weeks away from delivering. I don't think so much about what would have been, because I feel like I'm in another plan--that baby lived and died in December--of course it wouldn't be born in April anymore, because she was already 'born.'"
I forgot to mention a story from a week before--I was on the plane from Dallas back to Germany when I was able to sit with a long-time friend. She was comparing how being single is like the longing a woman has for getting pregnant. She told me a story that had encouraged her during her time in Texas--a woman had 7 miscarriages in a little over a year's time, and she felt that God had spoken she would have 2 more boys. She reached a point where she didn't want to try to get pregnant anymore, because she didn't want to go through the pain again, but God kept confirming what He had spoken. And today, she has 2 more boys. I was so encouraged that God had spoken to another woman similarly to me, and that was just another piece I needed to keep believing.
From my journal. . .
"This week I've kind of lost count of how many weeks it's been since the baby died. It will be 3 months in 3 days. I do think about what I might have looked like when I see really pregnant women and that we would have been weeks away from delivering. I don't think so much about what would have been, because I feel like I'm in another plan--that baby lived and died in December--of course it wouldn't be born in April anymore, because she was already 'born.'"
March 12, 2008
I want to share the five basic principles of Beth Moore's "Believing God" study so you know what's going on in my head during this time.
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. God's Word is alive and active in me
5. I can do all things through Christ
I'm believing God!
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel kind of crazy right now. I'm believing the unbelievable, but I also don't want to e having faith in something in my own timing. I believe the impossible, but then sometimes it makes me feel crazy and stupid. But I do believe You've promised me twins. I've also gotten so wrapped up in my belief and hope and not doubting that it does make me feel strange. Part of me feels like the ultimate test of faith is telling people what you've spoken before it happens. The only way we don't tell people is because we're afraid that it won't happen. Lord I need your counsel.
Because I'm believing God, I will be pregnant in the next 9 weeks. Lord if you want me to tell anyone specifically, please lead me."
Ps. 73:24, 26 "You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of m heart and my portion forever."
March 14, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel like I'm falling apart--just overwhelmed with everything. Thank you that I can find refreshment and renewal in You. Lord we need you to do something powerful in our church."
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. God's Word is alive and active in me
5. I can do all things through Christ
I'm believing God!
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel kind of crazy right now. I'm believing the unbelievable, but I also don't want to e having faith in something in my own timing. I believe the impossible, but then sometimes it makes me feel crazy and stupid. But I do believe You've promised me twins. I've also gotten so wrapped up in my belief and hope and not doubting that it does make me feel strange. Part of me feels like the ultimate test of faith is telling people what you've spoken before it happens. The only way we don't tell people is because we're afraid that it won't happen. Lord I need your counsel.
Because I'm believing God, I will be pregnant in the next 9 weeks. Lord if you want me to tell anyone specifically, please lead me."
Ps. 73:24, 26 "You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of m heart and my portion forever."
March 14, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel like I'm falling apart--just overwhelmed with everything. Thank you that I can find refreshment and renewal in You. Lord we need you to do something powerful in our church."
March 10, 2008
Somewhere during this time I was reading the passage about Samuel, and how God kept calling for him during the night. Three times Samuel got up and went to Eli, and then Eli taught him the Lord was calling for him. I had also been learning a lot about faith=obedience--how faith requires obedience. A day or two later, I remember lying in bed, and at 1:00am, I felt like God was telling me to go take a pregnancy test. At first I thought, 'that's crazy--it must be in my head, because I know that it's the wrong time in my cycle to even show I'm pregnant.' But I kept having this gnawing feeling that if I didn't get up and go take that pregnancy test, that I would be disobeying God somehow. So, I got up, took the test, and believed that maybe it was going to be positive and God was going to do a miracle. As I stared at the negative test (I wasn't surprised) I prayed--"God, what are you trying to teach me?" I felt like it was as clear as ever--"Don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." Of course, I didn't even tell Scott about this for a long time, because I felt pretty silly about the whole thing, but I will never forget God teaching me that truth, and that lesson is pivotal in the rest of the story.
From my journal. . .
"I've been learning a lot about faith--hard to express everything that I've learned every day, but I wish I had recorded it. I'm excited about the new study I've started called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. [The premise of the study is that most of us as Christians, believe in God, but we don't Believe God] It is another study that I feel I need to be a part of, because that's where God is moving in my life. I do believe God can give me twins. In my mind, I do believe He will. I don't know how long it will be or what I will have to go through to get there but last night I learned about time moving into place as God arranges it--not just time passing. Beth says that in the next 9 weeks we will see the Promised Land, and I hope for that. It seems that one of the recurring themes for me during this time has been about Moses and the Israelites and about believing in miracles and now studying and believing that God will bring about the Promised Land in my life. I know I am justified through faith and what Jesus has done on the cross, but somehow I can't live up to deserving all of the blessings He's given us and what He's promised.
". . .in order that you may know the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe." Eph. 1:18
I'm full of so many hopes and dreams for our future babies. I just hope I'm not crazy, and I hope I will not let myself be disappointed if I have to wait awhile. Lord, keep my flesh and my heart from failing."
From my journal. . .
"I've been learning a lot about faith--hard to express everything that I've learned every day, but I wish I had recorded it. I'm excited about the new study I've started called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. [The premise of the study is that most of us as Christians, believe in God, but we don't Believe God] It is another study that I feel I need to be a part of, because that's where God is moving in my life. I do believe God can give me twins. In my mind, I do believe He will. I don't know how long it will be or what I will have to go through to get there but last night I learned about time moving into place as God arranges it--not just time passing. Beth says that in the next 9 weeks we will see the Promised Land, and I hope for that. It seems that one of the recurring themes for me during this time has been about Moses and the Israelites and about believing in miracles and now studying and believing that God will bring about the Promised Land in my life. I know I am justified through faith and what Jesus has done on the cross, but somehow I can't live up to deserving all of the blessings He's given us and what He's promised.
". . .in order that you may know the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe." Eph. 1:18
I'm full of so many hopes and dreams for our future babies. I just hope I'm not crazy, and I hope I will not let myself be disappointed if I have to wait awhile. Lord, keep my flesh and my heart from failing."
February 27, 2008
A few days before this journal entry we went to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor who had performed the procedure in December. During that visit he told us that we had a little girl and that we had nothing in our genes to predict this happening again. That was very relieving news. We were disappointed, however, because he wanted us to wait another month to start trying to have children. But I knew it was all for the best--to make sure my body was completely ready. On the ride home from the doctor, it was almost as if her name was whispered to me--not a name we would necessarily give one of our daughters, but in our hearts we think of her as our little Grace. It fits this situation and how we had felt God's grace so deeply. In a neat story that happened to me sometime later, a met a wonderful woman who had a friend who had just lost a baby that had lived only 10 days. She was telling me that the woman was given double grace, because in Hebrew, the same root for the number 5 is the same as grace. Of course this woman did not know we had named our little girl that, but it made my heart skip a beat, because I always told people I was 5.5 months pregnant when we lost her. It was just another amazing sign of God's order--just like in the Bible.
From my journal. . .
"I think waiting another month gives God more time to prepare us. Scott told me the other night that he was starting to believe we would have twins (what God had spoken). It warmed my heart, because I've been praying for God to help him to believe."
Ps. 42 and 43 "Why am I discouraged; why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again--my savior and my God!"
Mark 9:23-24 Jesus says "Anything is possible if a person believes" the father replies "I do believe, but help me not to doubt."
From my journal. . .
"I think waiting another month gives God more time to prepare us. Scott told me the other night that he was starting to believe we would have twins (what God had spoken). It warmed my heart, because I've been praying for God to help him to believe."
Ps. 42 and 43 "Why am I discouraged; why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again--my savior and my God!"
Mark 9:23-24 Jesus says "Anything is possible if a person believes" the father replies "I do believe, but help me not to doubt."
February 15, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Oh Lord, let me be like Hannah [in the Bible]--that You hear my petition--After she prayed and Eli told her that the God of Israel would answer her petition, she and her husband worshipped the next morning, because they believed. It said the Lord remembered her, and she conceived and bore a son."
Ps. 34:17-19 "The Lord hears his people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one."
Ps. 36:5-7 "Your unfailing love O Lord is as vast as the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, Your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
"Oh Lord, let me be like Hannah [in the Bible]--that You hear my petition--After she prayed and Eli told her that the God of Israel would answer her petition, she and her husband worshipped the next morning, because they believed. It said the Lord remembered her, and she conceived and bore a son."
Ps. 34:17-19 "The Lord hears his people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one."
Ps. 36:5-7 "Your unfailing love O Lord is as vast as the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, Your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
February 13, 2008
From my journal. . .
"A year ago Scott returned home. It took about this long to return back to completely normal. It's hard to believe he was gone this long plus one month. I hope we never have to go through this again. I must surrender my fears and desires to Him. God sees the big picture--I'll never understand His ways fully. I don't want to go through more heartache, but I do know I experienced such a sweet relationship with Jesus.
Psalm 34:1-10 "I will praise the Lord at all times; I will constantly speak His praises. . .come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. Taste and see the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!"
Lord, thank you for setting me free from my fears. Help me to trust in You completely."
"A year ago Scott returned home. It took about this long to return back to completely normal. It's hard to believe he was gone this long plus one month. I hope we never have to go through this again. I must surrender my fears and desires to Him. God sees the big picture--I'll never understand His ways fully. I don't want to go through more heartache, but I do know I experienced such a sweet relationship with Jesus.
Psalm 34:1-10 "I will praise the Lord at all times; I will constantly speak His praises. . .come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. Taste and see the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!"
Lord, thank you for setting me free from my fears. Help me to trust in You completely."
February 9-10, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord, You are the Great Healer. Thank you for making me whole physically and emotionally. Thank you for restoring me. Please keep my insides healthy and whole to have my boys. The Lord has restored me soul and He will restore what was lost. "I'll repay you double for your woes."
My faith is strong today. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, full of mercy."
February 10, 2008
"Lord, thank you for healing me emotionally. I really feel okay-of course I am sad sometimes but I am not brokenhearted. I need You so much, because I am as weak as a mouse. Lord, I don't want people to think I've got it all together--please help them to see that you have healed me and ministered to me. A lot of people have been praying, and I know that has made a huge difference."
"Lord, You are the Great Healer. Thank you for making me whole physically and emotionally. Thank you for restoring me. Please keep my insides healthy and whole to have my boys. The Lord has restored me soul and He will restore what was lost. "I'll repay you double for your woes."
My faith is strong today. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, full of mercy."
February 10, 2008
"Lord, thank you for healing me emotionally. I really feel okay-of course I am sad sometimes but I am not brokenhearted. I need You so much, because I am as weak as a mouse. Lord, I don't want people to think I've got it all together--please help them to see that you have healed me and ministered to me. A lot of people have been praying, and I know that has made a huge difference."
February 8, 2008
At this point I was really struggling with having so much hope that I was afraid maybe I had missed a stage of grief or was using my hope to cover over some of my sadness. My mom gave me a wonderful book (it's by social workers and counselors) that helped relieve me of that concern. After reading through most of the book I realized I had, indeed, passed through the areas of grief they mentioned, and that it was okay to hope in the midst of grief. This was another occasion in which I prayed to God, and He led me straight to the passage in the book that reassures grieving moms that hope is okay. At the same time, I put in a Steven Curtis Chapman CD I hadn't listened to in years, and a song came on ("With Hope") in which he dedicates it to anyone who has lost a child or unborn baby. The song is all about hope and how "We can cry with hope; We can say goodbye with hope; 'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no; And we can grieve with hope; 'Cause we believe with hope"
Of course I was stunned as I heard the words and how they ministered to exactly what I was struggling with that morning. Not to mention, another Steven Curtis Chapman song came on about "Great Expectations"--about praying to God and believing in His power
"The morning finds me here at heaven's door
A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne The one that God Himself is seated on
And I, I've been invited as a son Oh I, I've been invited to come and...
Believe the unbelievable Receive the inconceivable And see beyond my wildest imagination Lord, I come with great expectations "
This song encouraged me that I could believe in the unbelievable--that He would give us twins.
From my journal. . .
"Today I have learned a lot about hope and faith. I'm feeling so much better, and I'm hopeful/full of faith for my two little boys, but I was scared that I had missed some grieving or skipped over something since I'm feeling pretty good. But after the books I've read today, the Bible verses I've read and the conversations I've had I think I'm okay--God has brought me on this journey to where I am emotionally healed--thanks to everyone's prayers--and it's not just because of my hope. However, I am also becoming more confident in my hope. Lord, help me to keep faith in You and what I believe You've promised. Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
I want to place my uncertainty in His hands. It's just comforting to know that I can be full of hope and not be completely over everything but be okay at the same time."
Of course I was stunned as I heard the words and how they ministered to exactly what I was struggling with that morning. Not to mention, another Steven Curtis Chapman song came on about "Great Expectations"--about praying to God and believing in His power
"The morning finds me here at heaven's door
A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne The one that God Himself is seated on
And I, I've been invited as a son Oh I, I've been invited to come and...
Believe the unbelievable Receive the inconceivable And see beyond my wildest imagination Lord, I come with great expectations "
This song encouraged me that I could believe in the unbelievable--that He would give us twins.
From my journal. . .
"Today I have learned a lot about hope and faith. I'm feeling so much better, and I'm hopeful/full of faith for my two little boys, but I was scared that I had missed some grieving or skipped over something since I'm feeling pretty good. But after the books I've read today, the Bible verses I've read and the conversations I've had I think I'm okay--God has brought me on this journey to where I am emotionally healed--thanks to everyone's prayers--and it's not just because of my hope. However, I am also becoming more confident in my hope. Lord, help me to keep faith in You and what I believe You've promised. Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
I want to place my uncertainty in His hands. It's just comforting to know that I can be full of hope and not be completely over everything but be okay at the same time."
February 7, 2008
From my journal. . .
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 12:1-2 "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith."
Jesus, I need you to perfect my faith. Help me to fix my eyes on you!
Romans 5:5 "And hope (from suffering) does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
Lord I thank you how You have poured out Your love on me, and I'm sorry when I haven't accepted that as enough."
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 12:1-2 "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith."
Jesus, I need you to perfect my faith. Help me to fix my eyes on you!
Romans 5:5 "And hope (from suffering) does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
Lord I thank you how You have poured out Your love on me, and I'm sorry when I haven't accepted that as enough."
February 4-5, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I don't even know what I'm feeling today. I know it's only been almost 7 weeks since we lost the baby, but I'm not all torn up. I do ache for the fact that in a couple of months I would have had a baby. I'm very glad to not be separated from Scott as he goes for interviews in a few weeks. Lord, please help us to know where we are going. Help me to get things ready to move."
February 5, 2008
"Last night and yesterday I felt 'soul-lonely--' wanting to talk to someone who had been through my situation that had the same faith I have. Today I called Nicole for Doug's birthday, and I was so encouraged after talking with her--I didn't feel soul lonely anymore--even though we haven't been through the same thing, we have the same faith." [Since May I had been hearing about how God was also speaking so clearly to her and ministering to her during her grief, and it was so encouraging to me to know that God does indeed speak so clearly and intimately--it wasn't just coincidence. I had been sensing the different phases of faith I was learning--first to even believe that God had spoken we would have twins; then the next step of faith I felt that God was challenging me to a deeper level of belief--if I truly believed what He was saying I would tell someone--otherwise I was keeping it to myself in fear in case He didn't really carry it through. I told Nicole, and she believed with me that God would keep the promise He had given.]
"Lord, help me to trust You more. I have to choose to believe and not doubt that You are promising us boy twins. I don't know when it will happen, but I must keep believing. I don't want to be a crazy mom, and if I get pregnant with one I will be happy and content, but I have to keep believing even if I lose more babies before I have my boys."
"I don't even know what I'm feeling today. I know it's only been almost 7 weeks since we lost the baby, but I'm not all torn up. I do ache for the fact that in a couple of months I would have had a baby. I'm very glad to not be separated from Scott as he goes for interviews in a few weeks. Lord, please help us to know where we are going. Help me to get things ready to move."
February 5, 2008
"Last night and yesterday I felt 'soul-lonely--' wanting to talk to someone who had been through my situation that had the same faith I have. Today I called Nicole for Doug's birthday, and I was so encouraged after talking with her--I didn't feel soul lonely anymore--even though we haven't been through the same thing, we have the same faith." [Since May I had been hearing about how God was also speaking so clearly to her and ministering to her during her grief, and it was so encouraging to me to know that God does indeed speak so clearly and intimately--it wasn't just coincidence. I had been sensing the different phases of faith I was learning--first to even believe that God had spoken we would have twins; then the next step of faith I felt that God was challenging me to a deeper level of belief--if I truly believed what He was saying I would tell someone--otherwise I was keeping it to myself in fear in case He didn't really carry it through. I told Nicole, and she believed with me that God would keep the promise He had given.]
"Lord, help me to trust You more. I have to choose to believe and not doubt that You are promising us boy twins. I don't know when it will happen, but I must keep believing. I don't want to be a crazy mom, and if I get pregnant with one I will be happy and content, but I have to keep believing even if I lose more babies before I have my boys."
February 1-2, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I am resolved to keep my faith and trust in God for the future. I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm crazy, but this week I feel so much better. There can be miracles when you believe."
February 2, 2008
"I feel like the Lord is blessing us so much in spite of (or maybe because of) losing our baby. We get to have other dreams come true--going to Switzerland and skiing and spending Easter in Rome. In April now we will get to travel back to some places we were hoping to go back to and being able to show my parents the tulips in Holland. God has been blessing us with the beauty of nature. What's been amazing to me is that I lost so much blood and recovered so fast. God really did heal me fast.
I wish I could write down everything God has been teaching me from the Bible and songs and everywhere. Right now I've been reading about Moses and the Israelites and how God led them and brought them through. It's only been 6 weeks, but I feel like I've been on an amazing journey. Maybe I'll be able to sit and type it out one day--I just don't want to forget. It will be hard if I don't get pregnant for awhile, but I will have to keep my faith and not fear."
Some of you probably wonder how I felt God teaching and ministering to me so much--Most of my mornings I would spend about an hour or two listening to music, reading the One Year Bible passages for that day and doing my "Walking by Faith" study--along with reading books for people who had lost babies. If I had a feeling I couldn't sort out, I would pray that straight to God--"Lord, I feel so weak, help me!" and then I would read verses or part of my study or hear a song (sometimes all 3 in the same morning) that would remind me I could find my strength in Him (or apply to exactly what I needed). Sometimes the passages didn't apply exactly to my question, but they still ministered to me by reminding me of God's character--His power and greatness-which increased my faith and trust in what He would accomplish in our lives. My friend Alison also came to spend Tuesdays with me, and that was helpful to just tell her what was going on in my head or how God was helping me work through things. Other times in my life where I had trusted God in small ways and seen Him work gave me the foundation to confidently rely on Him for strength and help. There are so many stories in the Old Testament of people's faith and reliance on God that provided the examples for me to follow.
"I am resolved to keep my faith and trust in God for the future. I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm crazy, but this week I feel so much better. There can be miracles when you believe."
February 2, 2008
"I feel like the Lord is blessing us so much in spite of (or maybe because of) losing our baby. We get to have other dreams come true--going to Switzerland and skiing and spending Easter in Rome. In April now we will get to travel back to some places we were hoping to go back to and being able to show my parents the tulips in Holland. God has been blessing us with the beauty of nature. What's been amazing to me is that I lost so much blood and recovered so fast. God really did heal me fast.
I wish I could write down everything God has been teaching me from the Bible and songs and everywhere. Right now I've been reading about Moses and the Israelites and how God led them and brought them through. It's only been 6 weeks, but I feel like I've been on an amazing journey. Maybe I'll be able to sit and type it out one day--I just don't want to forget. It will be hard if I don't get pregnant for awhile, but I will have to keep my faith and not fear."
Some of you probably wonder how I felt God teaching and ministering to me so much--Most of my mornings I would spend about an hour or two listening to music, reading the One Year Bible passages for that day and doing my "Walking by Faith" study--along with reading books for people who had lost babies. If I had a feeling I couldn't sort out, I would pray that straight to God--"Lord, I feel so weak, help me!" and then I would read verses or part of my study or hear a song (sometimes all 3 in the same morning) that would remind me I could find my strength in Him (or apply to exactly what I needed). Sometimes the passages didn't apply exactly to my question, but they still ministered to me by reminding me of God's character--His power and greatness-which increased my faith and trust in what He would accomplish in our lives. My friend Alison also came to spend Tuesdays with me, and that was helpful to just tell her what was going on in my head or how God was helping me work through things. Other times in my life where I had trusted God in small ways and seen Him work gave me the foundation to confidently rely on Him for strength and help. There are so many stories in the Old Testament of people's faith and reliance on God that provided the examples for me to follow.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
January 28, 2008
During this time I went through some turmoil—I knew where my faith should be, because I had learned to trust God the previous year while Scott was in Iraq, but I wasn’t sure what steps to take to get back to that place. I wanted to trust that God was promising more babies, but I was also scared to death that maybe He was promising that because I might have to endure more heartache before receiving the promise. Our lesson in "Walking by Faith" was about taking that step of faith--sure, I understood that if you feel that God is leading you to a certain college and you take a step of faith to enroll, but I didn't understand how to take a "step of faith" in my situation.
There was a time during Scott's deployment in which we thought that the mission he was scheduled to complete would most likely cost his life. I wanted to ask God to preserve his life, but I also knew that many people had probably prayed that for Doug, too. Although we may never know all the ways God is working and His purposes, I had seen a glimpse of how God was already working through Nicole's life in amazing ways. I didn't know what God's will was for us or what He was going to allow for His greater purpose. After some times of raw emotion with God, I felt that He had brought me to a place where I was willing to accept whatever His will was, even if it meant the life of my husband. Don't get me wrong--I did not want Scott to die, but I knew after walking with Nicole on that journey that God still deserved my praise, even if Scott didn't come home. I looked back at my journal from when I had gone through that time, and ironically, it was exactly a year ago that I had recorded the process of how God brought me to that place of acceptance--which made re-learning the lesson that much more special. He had spoken so clearly at that time "Trust me, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship." Once I read that again and remembered how He taught me that lesson, I accepted the path I was on for this journey, and I was set free from the turmoil. It was almost as if the minute I decided to step out in faith and muster the courage to believe that maybe He was promising me babies/twins, I was filled with peace--even if it meant the journey had more loss. My own fear of the future and resistance to accept whatever may come caused me more turmoil than stepping out on my dark, blind path for whatever lay ahead. But I found the courage to take that step when I remembered that God sees the big picture and that I can trust Him, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship. The wonderful truth is that He walks with us, holding our hand, when we cry out to Him.
There was a time during Scott's deployment in which we thought that the mission he was scheduled to complete would most likely cost his life. I wanted to ask God to preserve his life, but I also knew that many people had probably prayed that for Doug, too. Although we may never know all the ways God is working and His purposes, I had seen a glimpse of how God was already working through Nicole's life in amazing ways. I didn't know what God's will was for us or what He was going to allow for His greater purpose. After some times of raw emotion with God, I felt that He had brought me to a place where I was willing to accept whatever His will was, even if it meant the life of my husband. Don't get me wrong--I did not want Scott to die, but I knew after walking with Nicole on that journey that God still deserved my praise, even if Scott didn't come home. I looked back at my journal from when I had gone through that time, and ironically, it was exactly a year ago that I had recorded the process of how God brought me to that place of acceptance--which made re-learning the lesson that much more special. He had spoken so clearly at that time "Trust me, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship." Once I read that again and remembered how He taught me that lesson, I accepted the path I was on for this journey, and I was set free from the turmoil. It was almost as if the minute I decided to step out in faith and muster the courage to believe that maybe He was promising me babies/twins, I was filled with peace--even if it meant the journey had more loss. My own fear of the future and resistance to accept whatever may come caused me more turmoil than stepping out on my dark, blind path for whatever lay ahead. But I found the courage to take that step when I remembered that God sees the big picture and that I can trust Him, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship. The wonderful truth is that He walks with us, holding our hand, when we cry out to Him.
January 23 and 25
From my journal. . .
"This is a path of blind faith, because I do not know what lies ahead (when/if I'll be pregnant or if I'll go through more miscarriages). The good news is that my guide is not blind--He sees the big picture. That I know I can trust Him for even if it is a long road ahead. I'm starting to accept whatever will come my way rather than being fearful."
January 25, 2008
"I want to believe God has promised me children, but I suppose it could be through adoption. Whenever/whatever/however many I have to believe it will be good and perfect for us. Lord, send Your grace to relieve my fears. I want to believe you have spoken we'll have baby boy twins."
"You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest." Ps. 139:3 This is my time of rest; where I am no surprise to God. I know the Lord is good. He has blessed me so many ways and given me so many gifts."
"This is a path of blind faith, because I do not know what lies ahead (when/if I'll be pregnant or if I'll go through more miscarriages). The good news is that my guide is not blind--He sees the big picture. That I know I can trust Him for even if it is a long road ahead. I'm starting to accept whatever will come my way rather than being fearful."
January 25, 2008
"I want to believe God has promised me children, but I suppose it could be through adoption. Whenever/whatever/however many I have to believe it will be good and perfect for us. Lord, send Your grace to relieve my fears. I want to believe you have spoken we'll have baby boy twins."
"You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest." Ps. 139:3 This is my time of rest; where I am no surprise to God. I know the Lord is good. He has blessed me so many ways and given me so many gifts."
January 15, 2008 and January 22
From my journal. . .
"I have a big ache in my heart today. This morning I felt like I awoke to "Life: part II." It's so hard to believe that a month ago we found out our baby had died. It's still hard to believe it was me that happened to and not someone else. (it feels kind of like a bad dream).
I do like to think of myself as a half-mom--that I did have a baby but it died. I am a mom to a baby in heaven."
January 22
We had just gotten back from a weekend ski trip to the Swiss Alps--some of the most beautiful mountains and perfect snow we'd ever seen. As much as I wished we were still having a baby, it was such a blessing to get to go skiing with Scott before we moved back to the States. Two weeks after the baby had died, we were also able to go to Garmisch with Scott's sister, and again, we had been blessed with beautiful weather and scenery that provided tranquilty for my soul. I read a passage from a book about how God "dwells in the mountains"--they are a place of praise, a place to pray, and a place to meet with Him (His presence is there). "When God calls us to the mountains, it's because He wants us to see things from His point of view and God always sees the big picture." It was so poignant--I truly felt God's love and comfort while I was in the mountains, because they were so beautiful and full of splendor and peace.
From my journal. . .
"My heart still aches for our baby. I don't know what the road ahead will bring--how long it will be until I'm pregnant with a baby that lasts full term or if we will adopt. I know we'll know when/if to adopt, but getting pregnant is so full of mystery. It was 5 weeks ago we found out our baby had died. I'm trying to walk by faith (I don't really feel I have much choice). I do feel that last year was harder with Scott deployed, but it also makes me more weary thinking how much longer my strength will be tested. Life isn't supposed to be easy, I guess, and God has blessed us a million times over. I have to keep reminding myself His grace is enough.
There are so many times over the past 4 weeks I've felt God so close and so tenderly loving me-I wish I had written them all down. God has been speaking so clearly. I started a Bible study, "Walking by Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark." When I saw it offered I thought 'I'm right there; I need to be there.' But the morning of the study, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. As I was taking my shower, I played a CD I hadn't played in a couple of years--the song 'Walk by Faith' came on by Jeremy Camp with the words. . .
'Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Help me to rid my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years. . .'
so I knew I had to go to the study. :)
I always believed God's timing with this baby was so perfect--can I still believe that? Lord, You know wehre we'll be next year and what my every need is before I know it (that is clear to me). The amazing thing I see around me is that everyone seems to be having trials."
verse for the day--I was feeling so weak, but this was the verse that came to me
". . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"I have a big ache in my heart today. This morning I felt like I awoke to "Life: part II." It's so hard to believe that a month ago we found out our baby had died. It's still hard to believe it was me that happened to and not someone else. (it feels kind of like a bad dream).
I do like to think of myself as a half-mom--that I did have a baby but it died. I am a mom to a baby in heaven."
January 22
We had just gotten back from a weekend ski trip to the Swiss Alps--some of the most beautiful mountains and perfect snow we'd ever seen. As much as I wished we were still having a baby, it was such a blessing to get to go skiing with Scott before we moved back to the States. Two weeks after the baby had died, we were also able to go to Garmisch with Scott's sister, and again, we had been blessed with beautiful weather and scenery that provided tranquilty for my soul. I read a passage from a book about how God "dwells in the mountains"--they are a place of praise, a place to pray, and a place to meet with Him (His presence is there). "When God calls us to the mountains, it's because He wants us to see things from His point of view and God always sees the big picture." It was so poignant--I truly felt God's love and comfort while I was in the mountains, because they were so beautiful and full of splendor and peace.
From my journal. . .
"My heart still aches for our baby. I don't know what the road ahead will bring--how long it will be until I'm pregnant with a baby that lasts full term or if we will adopt. I know we'll know when/if to adopt, but getting pregnant is so full of mystery. It was 5 weeks ago we found out our baby had died. I'm trying to walk by faith (I don't really feel I have much choice). I do feel that last year was harder with Scott deployed, but it also makes me more weary thinking how much longer my strength will be tested. Life isn't supposed to be easy, I guess, and God has blessed us a million times over. I have to keep reminding myself His grace is enough.
There are so many times over the past 4 weeks I've felt God so close and so tenderly loving me-I wish I had written them all down. God has been speaking so clearly. I started a Bible study, "Walking by Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark." When I saw it offered I thought 'I'm right there; I need to be there.' But the morning of the study, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. As I was taking my shower, I played a CD I hadn't played in a couple of years--the song 'Walk by Faith' came on by Jeremy Camp with the words. . .
'Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Help me to rid my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years. . .'
so I knew I had to go to the study. :)
I always believed God's timing with this baby was so perfect--can I still believe that? Lord, You know wehre we'll be next year and what my every need is before I know it (that is clear to me). The amazing thing I see around me is that everyone seems to be having trials."
verse for the day--I was feeling so weak, but this was the verse that came to me
". . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
January 13, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord, thank you that You are so near. I do feel as if I'm being held in the shelter of the Most High. He is so sweetly reassuring me--it's almost like I don't want this feeling to end (not that I want to go through more heartache). Lord, protect my heart and mind.
God is amazing, though, how He is so personal, speaking through His Word, in my heart, and through other people. One of the first mornings after the surgery that I was up and about, I went outside in the morning and the bells were ringing and it had just started snowing--and I knew everything was going to be okay."
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.' I Cor. 2:9"
During this period of time, there was a song that Josh Groban sings called Lullaby--for some reason this touched me deeply--I felt somehow supernaturally comforted--almost like God was speaking those words directly to me, and I also somehow felt like I was thinking them longingly for the baby I lost. I know it probably sounds weird, but the words "peace will come to you in time" comforted me as a promise from God that in time I would be okay, and that even though He is the God of the universe, He loves me tenderly as a father as I am going through this pain. The crazy thing is that as I was discovering this song and feeling that Father love from God, two different people told me that God was my loving Father (confirming in my heart that He really wanted me to know that). Those people never knew the impact of those words as I felt Him reassuring me of that through this song and other Bible verses I was reading.
Lyrics to Lullaby sung by Josh Groban:(feat. Ladysmith Black Mambazo)
Hush now baby don't you cry Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time And I will sing this lullaby
Know though I must leave, my child But I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone Remember this sweet lullaby
And all love through darkness Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn With love you'll find your way My love
The world has turned the day to dark I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes I will send this lullaby Yes I will send this lullaby
"Lord, thank you that You are so near. I do feel as if I'm being held in the shelter of the Most High. He is so sweetly reassuring me--it's almost like I don't want this feeling to end (not that I want to go through more heartache). Lord, protect my heart and mind.
God is amazing, though, how He is so personal, speaking through His Word, in my heart, and through other people. One of the first mornings after the surgery that I was up and about, I went outside in the morning and the bells were ringing and it had just started snowing--and I knew everything was going to be okay."
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.' I Cor. 2:9"
During this period of time, there was a song that Josh Groban sings called Lullaby--for some reason this touched me deeply--I felt somehow supernaturally comforted--almost like God was speaking those words directly to me, and I also somehow felt like I was thinking them longingly for the baby I lost. I know it probably sounds weird, but the words "peace will come to you in time" comforted me as a promise from God that in time I would be okay, and that even though He is the God of the universe, He loves me tenderly as a father as I am going through this pain. The crazy thing is that as I was discovering this song and feeling that Father love from God, two different people told me that God was my loving Father (confirming in my heart that He really wanted me to know that). Those people never knew the impact of those words as I felt Him reassuring me of that through this song and other Bible verses I was reading.
Lyrics to Lullaby sung by Josh Groban:(feat. Ladysmith Black Mambazo)
Hush now baby don't you cry Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time And I will sing this lullaby
Know though I must leave, my child But I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone Remember this sweet lullaby
And all love through darkness Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn With love you'll find your way My love
The world has turned the day to dark I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes I will send this lullaby Yes I will send this lullaby
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