From my journal. . .
"I remember waking up the morning after our baby died and just wailing, not only for Day 1: Life II, but for what I was to go through. God was with me through everything--healing me after the procedure and miraculously healing my heart. Yes, I felt like He was blessing me amidst the grief. Lord, I feel like I have a testimony of Your goodness, but I don't know how much to share for church. There are so many truths about You I learned through this:
- Your deep love for those who are hurting
- Your timing is perfect--time comes to You
- You do turn ashes to beauty and give us hope
It's been such a faith journey, and I am so completely thankful that I'm pregnant, and at the same time I am so stunned. Mother's Day tomorrow is only sad if I do not choose to believe and hope in God's promise of our twins."
[I spent an hour this evening trying to prepare a testimony for church--I wanted to let people know the news but also summarize how amazing it all was--not just that I was pregnant, but how God had fulfilled His promise. I felt like there was too much to say, so I decided to just tell people one on one and prayed that God would lead me to tell whoever I should tell, and then maybe Wednesday I would tell the whole story to our small group. Scott and I were leading the music in the morning, and I knew that many people in church would be worried about my emotions since it was going to be Mother's Day. When I awoke Sunday morning, I breathed a prayer that if God wanted me to give a testimony to just work it into the morning and speak the words He wanted me to say--I knew there was a lot already on the schedule.
There was a MOPS presentation in which they gave all of the ladies of the church flowers in honor of Mother's Day. I had that sense that people were watching me to see if I was okay--I knew people were deeply concerned. Shortly after the presentation, a dear lady from our small group walked over in front of us and asked "Is there something you're not telling us?" of course I told her "yes" and then she started crying and praising God, and of course, I always cry if someone else is, so I started crying. Then I looked at Scott and said, I'm going to have to go up there now and give a testimony, because I knew that everyone in the church would think I was crying because I was upset. I don't really remember what all I said, but I did briefly mention how God had miraculously healed me emotionally and that I felt like He was promising me to get pregnant soon with twins. I encouraged others to keep believing God and having faith, and then ended by saying that this Mother's Day, I am a mother-to-be. So it was very exciting and I knew God had wanted it that way. Bonnie said that they could just tell by looking at me, so she had to come ask :)]
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