July 19, 2008

From my journal. . .

"It's hard sometimes, because sometimes you are exactly what you don't want to be. I wanted to have unwavering faith and not be like the Israelites who only believed after they had crossed the Jordan. Yesterday I was feeling really upset--I was at the point where I did not want to go to the doctor. [It had been 4 weeks (I was at week 14) since the last ultrasound, and my body had been feeling similar to how it felt the day we found out Grace had died. Since I didn't really feel very pregnant (not many pregnancy symptoms) I was dreading if we would find out bad news. It's possible the baby could have died after the 10 week ultrasound and I wouldn't know it until this appointment. I was not feeling strong, so I was wishing that if I were going to miscarry it would just happen on its own rather than going to the doctor and being told again it had died. I didn't expect bad news; I just didn't know how I would handle bad news (or how this doctor would handle it). I was having a love-hate relationship with being pregnant that day. It is such a happy time, but it can also be full of deep emotional ups and downs for many women.] I knew I didn't have any reason to believe our baby/babies had died but I also knew that I had a willing heart if that was God's plan (to be glorified). I just was overcome with dread in case somehow this pregnancy wasn't the promise--that it was still to come.
I pulled out my One-Year-Bible hoping that July 18th reading would be exactly what I needed to read (as so often it is) and put on my "Faith Songs" CD I had made for myself. I felt sorry for Scott as I was having this melt-down, and he was secretly praying for me that God would speak to me specifically for this situation as I read (and all the while hoping it would be a positive message).
I was amazed and overcome as I read Romans 4:13-5:5. It was all about how as Christians we're Abraham's seed and are "heirs" to the promise of Jesus by faith (emphasizing to me how important faith and no doubt is). Then I got to a verse that just amazed me and leaped off the page.
Romans 4:17 "This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before." This was an amazing verse because of how God essentially brought the blighted ovum back to life, and that He might bring into existence the twin we had seen no evidence of. I was sobbing after I read this, because the same God who did this verse back in Abraham's day could do the same thing by substituting my name. Then I knew I had nothing to worry about and my faith was increased again. I believed at that point we would see the twins at the appointment. Then I kept reading and the next part were the verses I claimed and read over and over when they told me I would miscarry--same verses in a different translation than what I quoted earlier.
Romans 4:19-21 "And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father. . .and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised."
I did not search for these verses, but they were the actual readings published for July 18--God's Word is alive!
I was completely touched and ministered to. I'm kind of thankful for my weakness that morning so that God revealed more of Himself. I have no reason to doubt that we are going to have twins this pregnancy. Lord keep my faith strong with no doubt. It was really neat at the appointment, because Scott and I both thought we heard 2 heartbeats when he went from one side of my stomach to the other side--they were off-beat from one another. The doctor didn't do an ultrasound but listened with the heart monitor, and he even said--'this guy's moving around' since he heard strong beats on both sides of my belly. It was enough for me to believe that God was giving us another confirmation of His promise and there was still hope for 2 babies."