March 15, 2008

At this point, the only things that are hard are when people ask us if we have kids, and in my mind I feel like I do have a baby in heaven--that I really am a mom. Some people say things like "oh, you've been married almost 6 years and you don't have kids yet?" I definitely am a lot more sensitive to that with other people now. I also have a hard time thinking about why people would want to get abortions--I remember when I saw Grace's heartbeat when it was just 2 tiny little tubes--she was alive! and then her heart stopped--and why would you want to purposefully do that when you have a baby that is meant to live! I also have a hard time with all the movie stars getting pregnant when there are so many people I know struggling with not being able to have a child--it seems so easy for the movie stars--the public pregnancies don't seem to end in miscarriage or stillbirth.

I forgot to mention a story from a week before--I was on the plane from Dallas back to Germany when I was able to sit with a long-time friend. She was comparing how being single is like the longing a woman has for getting pregnant. She told me a story that had encouraged her during her time in Texas--a woman had 7 miscarriages in a little over a year's time, and she felt that God had spoken she would have 2 more boys. She reached a point where she didn't want to try to get pregnant anymore, because she didn't want to go through the pain again, but God kept confirming what He had spoken. And today, she has 2 more boys. I was so encouraged that God had spoken to another woman similarly to me, and that was just another piece I needed to keep believing.

From my journal. . .

"This week I've kind of lost count of how many weeks it's been since the baby died. It will be 3 months in 3 days. I do think about what I might have looked like when I see really pregnant women and that we would have been weeks away from delivering. I don't think so much about what would have been, because I feel like I'm in another plan--that baby lived and died in December--of course it wouldn't be born in April anymore, because she was already 'born.'"