Somewhere during this time I was reading the passage about Samuel, and how God kept calling for him during the night. Three times Samuel got up and went to Eli, and then Eli taught him the Lord was calling for him. I had also been learning a lot about faith=obedience--how faith requires obedience. A day or two later, I remember lying in bed, and at 1:00am, I felt like God was telling me to go take a pregnancy test. At first I thought, 'that's crazy--it must be in my head, because I know that it's the wrong time in my cycle to even show I'm pregnant.' But I kept having this gnawing feeling that if I didn't get up and go take that pregnancy test, that I would be disobeying God somehow. So, I got up, took the test, and believed that maybe it was going to be positive and God was going to do a miracle. As I stared at the negative test (I wasn't surprised) I prayed--"God, what are you trying to teach me?" I felt like it was as clear as ever--"Don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." Of course, I didn't even tell Scott about this for a long time, because I felt pretty silly about the whole thing, but I will never forget God teaching me that truth, and that lesson is pivotal in the rest of the story.
From my journal. . .
"I've been learning a lot about faith--hard to express everything that I've learned every day, but I wish I had recorded it. I'm excited about the new study I've started called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. [The premise of the study is that most of us as Christians, believe in God, but we don't Believe God] It is another study that I feel I need to be a part of, because that's where God is moving in my life. I do believe God can give me twins. In my mind, I do believe He will. I don't know how long it will be or what I will have to go through to get there but last night I learned about time moving into place as God arranges it--not just time passing. Beth says that in the next 9 weeks we will see the Promised Land, and I hope for that. It seems that one of the recurring themes for me during this time has been about Moses and the Israelites and about believing in miracles and now studying and believing that God will bring about the Promised Land in my life. I know I am justified through faith and what Jesus has done on the cross, but somehow I can't live up to deserving all of the blessings He's given us and what He's promised.
". . .in order that you may know the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe." Eph. 1:18
I'm full of so many hopes and dreams for our future babies. I just hope I'm not crazy, and I hope I will not let myself be disappointed if I have to wait awhile. Lord, keep my flesh and my heart from failing."
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