February 1-2, 2008

From my journal. . .


"I am resolved to keep my faith and trust in God for the future. I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm crazy, but this week I feel so much better. There can be miracles when you believe."


February 2, 2008


"I feel like the Lord is blessing us so much in spite of (or maybe because of) losing our baby. We get to have other dreams come true--going to Switzerland and skiing and spending Easter in Rome. In April now we will get to travel back to some places we were hoping to go back to and being able to show my parents the tulips in Holland. God has been blessing us with the beauty of nature. What's been amazing to me is that I lost so much blood and recovered so fast. God really did heal me fast.


I wish I could write down everything God has been teaching me from the Bible and songs and everywhere. Right now I've been reading about Moses and the Israelites and how God led them and brought them through. It's only been 6 weeks, but I feel like I've been on an amazing journey. Maybe I'll be able to sit and type it out one day--I just don't want to forget. It will be hard if I don't get pregnant for awhile, but I will have to keep my faith and not fear."


Some of you probably wonder how I felt God teaching and ministering to me so much--Most of my mornings I would spend about an hour or two listening to music, reading the One Year Bible passages for that day and doing my "Walking by Faith" study--along with reading books for people who had lost babies. If I had a feeling I couldn't sort out, I would pray that straight to God--"Lord, I feel so weak, help me!" and then I would read verses or part of my study or hear a song (sometimes all 3 in the same morning) that would remind me I could find my strength in Him (or apply to exactly what I needed). Sometimes the passages didn't apply exactly to my question, but they still ministered to me by reminding me of God's character--His power and greatness-which increased my faith and trust in what He would accomplish in our lives. My friend Alison also came to spend Tuesdays with me, and that was helpful to just tell her what was going on in my head or how God was helping me work through things. Other times in my life where I had trusted God in small ways and seen Him work gave me the foundation to confidently rely on Him for strength and help. There are so many stories in the Old Testament of people's faith and reliance on God that provided the examples for me to follow.