At this point I was really struggling with having so much hope that I was afraid maybe I had missed a stage of grief or was using my hope to cover over some of my sadness. My mom gave me a wonderful book (it's by social workers and counselors) that helped relieve me of that concern. After reading through most of the book I realized I had, indeed, passed through the areas of grief they mentioned, and that it was okay to hope in the midst of grief. This was another occasion in which I prayed to God, and He led me straight to the passage in the book that reassures grieving moms that hope is okay. At the same time, I put in a Steven Curtis Chapman CD I hadn't listened to in years, and a song came on ("With Hope") in which he dedicates it to anyone who has lost a child or unborn baby. The song is all about hope and how "We can cry with hope; We can say goodbye with hope; 'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no; And we can grieve with hope; 'Cause we believe with hope"
Of course I was stunned as I heard the words and how they ministered to exactly what I was struggling with that morning. Not to mention, another Steven Curtis Chapman song came on about "Great Expectations"--about praying to God and believing in His power
"The morning finds me here at heaven's door
A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne The one that God Himself is seated on
And I, I've been invited as a son Oh I, I've been invited to come and...
Believe the unbelievable Receive the inconceivable And see beyond my wildest imagination Lord, I come with great expectations "
This song encouraged me that I could believe in the unbelievable--that He would give us twins.
From my journal. . .
"Today I have learned a lot about hope and faith. I'm feeling so much better, and I'm hopeful/full of faith for my two little boys, but I was scared that I had missed some grieving or skipped over something since I'm feeling pretty good. But after the books I've read today, the Bible verses I've read and the conversations I've had I think I'm okay--God has brought me on this journey to where I am emotionally healed--thanks to everyone's prayers--and it's not just because of my hope. However, I am also becoming more confident in my hope. Lord, help me to keep faith in You and what I believe You've promised. Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
I want to place my uncertainty in His hands. It's just comforting to know that I can be full of hope and not be completely over everything but be okay at the same time."
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