From my journal. . .
"I have a big ache in my heart today. This morning I felt like I awoke to "Life: part II." It's so hard to believe that a month ago we found out our baby had died. It's still hard to believe it was me that happened to and not someone else. (it feels kind of like a bad dream).
I do like to think of myself as a half-mom--that I did have a baby but it died. I am a mom to a baby in heaven."
January 22
We had just gotten back from a weekend ski trip to the Swiss Alps--some of the most beautiful mountains and perfect snow we'd ever seen. As much as I wished we were still having a baby, it was such a blessing to get to go skiing with Scott before we moved back to the States. Two weeks after the baby had died, we were also able to go to Garmisch with Scott's sister, and again, we had been blessed with beautiful weather and scenery that provided tranquilty for my soul. I read a passage from a book about how God "dwells in the mountains"--they are a place of praise, a place to pray, and a place to meet with Him (His presence is there). "When God calls us to the mountains, it's because He wants us to see things from His point of view and God always sees the big picture." It was so poignant--I truly felt God's love and comfort while I was in the mountains, because they were so beautiful and full of splendor and peace.
From my journal. . .
"My heart still aches for our baby. I don't know what the road ahead will bring--how long it will be until I'm pregnant with a baby that lasts full term or if we will adopt. I know we'll know when/if to adopt, but getting pregnant is so full of mystery. It was 5 weeks ago we found out our baby had died. I'm trying to walk by faith (I don't really feel I have much choice). I do feel that last year was harder with Scott deployed, but it also makes me more weary thinking how much longer my strength will be tested. Life isn't supposed to be easy, I guess, and God has blessed us a million times over. I have to keep reminding myself His grace is enough.
There are so many times over the past 4 weeks I've felt God so close and so tenderly loving me-I wish I had written them all down. God has been speaking so clearly. I started a Bible study, "Walking by Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark." When I saw it offered I thought 'I'm right there; I need to be there.' But the morning of the study, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. As I was taking my shower, I played a CD I hadn't played in a couple of years--the song 'Walk by Faith' came on by Jeremy Camp with the words. . .
'Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Help me to rid my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years. . .'
so I knew I had to go to the study. :)
I always believed God's timing with this baby was so perfect--can I still believe that? Lord, You know wehre we'll be next year and what my every need is before I know it (that is clear to me). The amazing thing I see around me is that everyone seems to be having trials."
verse for the day--I was feeling so weak, but this was the verse that came to me
". . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
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