December 22, 2007

From my journal. . .so you can see what was going on in my head at that time

"There is so much to write--so many feelings and thoughts. Tuesday night was grueling because of the dread of what lay ahead. How do we get this baby out? I felt shock, disbelief--that I had become a statistic, fear of the surgery--was this the best choice? Emotionally I did not want to go through an induction to give birth to a stillborn but I also had my reservations about surgery. I also was afraid I would go into labor at home. I felt disgusting that I had a deformed dead baby inside of me, and I just wanted it out. Our appointment with the doctor who did the procedure was a lot of relief. He spent awhile looking at the baby by ultrasound and said the baby wasn't too big to do the D&E, which was a great relief. He was able to work us in to be the first case on Thursday morning, which was a blessing to me, too. We felt confident about his skill, and he had never damaged a uterus. He did think it was a chromosomal malformation that appeared to be a one-time incident. Naturally we were relieved when he said our next pregnancy would probably be normal. I was relieved to know it was not me. Dec 20 the surgery went as well as it could. I was asleep before anything started, and the staff was so kind and caring--more than I expected. I was just so glad Scott could be with me through all of this. He was so sweet, and I felt so loved. After the long day of recovery, I felt a lot of relief. The day before I hadn't felt as gross--my affection for my baby came back, and I was in some way glad I was cradling it in me before I said good-bye forever. Yesterday was a bit harder. I think my hormones were a little out of whack, and I was wishing none of this was happening so I could be myself while Anita was here. I found myself staring a lot and not caring about much. I was almost catatonic--it felt good to just stare.
Now today I have so many different thoughts in my head. I can't make sense of the whole thing. I see my 2 different lives flash before me--life with a baby in 4 months (and realizing that was my reality when now it seems fictitious!) and then my other life where I know it will be about a year at least before we will have another baby. I don't understand why God knit this baby in my womb like this--it was obviously intentional. I know it was no mistake, but I've been trying to figure out what God is telling me through Ps. 139. I wish God would speak to me like Mary [since this happened during the Christmas season I was surrounded by the story of the Virgin birth and how God spoke to Mary and Elizabeth, and I wanted Him to speak to me like that so badly]
I do wonder now if I should have delivered the baby so I could see it. I think it would have been more damaging, but it would have put my brain to rest that it was real. Right now I don't even know what to think other than I was looking forward to being a mom in 4 months. I guess it wasn't my time. It's easier sometimes to pretend like I was never pregnant than feel the loss. What's weird is that most of the pregnancy is in your head--the hopes and dreams and wonder. Other than feeling a little pregnant, it's all in your imagination until it's born. So now even the death is all in my imagination--even seeing the ultrasound of the lifeless infant in me, because they don't send home a copy of that ultrasound for you.
Today I feel like Ill be okay. I am really disappointed and don't understand it all but I do have hope for the future. I just don't want to have to go through this again. We're sad we won't have our first child in Germany to complete our time here and be able to celebrate that with our church.
The hard thing today is my milk coming in. I hope it goes down soon.
God did show He cares about me with how He answered people's prayers the day of the surgery and in little details here and there. He's sent people to care for us, too."