January 12, 2008

I really felt that God was leading me to share with everyone what had happened up to this point in my journey, because most people had only gotten our Christmas letter to say that the baby had died--and that was all they knew. I know a lot of people probably wanted to ask me questions but didn't know how, so I thought I'd just send everyone an update of what was going on. Many of you have probably already read this, but I wanted to include it as part of the story. I have cut out the information that I already wrote about in the previous posts. . .

"I don’t even know where to begin to express what I’ve been through the past 3 weeks or what God has taught me. I will say thank you to everyone for your cards and e-mails and your prayers and thoughts. I’ve felt the love here in Heidelberg and from across the miles. God has taken care of me through you and in many other ways. We are so grateful to our church family for providing meals and care packages (Scott’s sister and family flew in from China for Christmas the day after we found out—even though they are easy company, the meals that were provided took care of them and were a gift to me to know they were taken care of.)

So, where am I emotionally? As many of you know, the husband of my best friend here in Germany was killed in Iraq while Scott was there. That was the hardest time of my life emotionally. She is like a sister to me, and it also intensified my struggles with Scott being there. The day Doug was killed she said “God has a plan.” She trusted God through her pain, and I believed with her. I learned that I could trust God’s plan, no matter what, even if it meant that my life had pain and trials. I kept thinking about Nicole this whole time (not to mention I was wearing her maternity sweater when we found out), because this pain does not hurt as badly as when Doug was killed. My heart was able to appreciate the blessing that Scott was right there beside me during this, and that even though some might think this would be a hard Christmas, it was so much better for me this year compared to last year to have Scott with me in our home. Yes, we were very disappointed, because I was thinking it would be the best Christmas to not only have him home but have the hopes and dreams of the next few months and how fun the next Christmas would be with our new baby. When Christmas morning came, I was just so completely thankful to have him by my side.

Of course I have my struggles at times, but we are filled with hope for future babies, whether through pregnancy or adoption. We’ve been working through our future plans this spring and summer and how this changes all of our preconceived plans. We were so looking forward to having a baby before we moved as a way to finish our chapter here in Germany—as Scott has been at many deliveries at Heidelberg Army hospital, and being excited about moving back with a new baby. We were especially looking forward to bringing a baby into our lives here with our community at church and around Heidelberg. We’ve felt your excitement for us and your disappointment with us. Many want to know if we named the baby—its name is still Baby Huitink. In our hearts we know the baby is in heaven and that we had a baby but that he/she died knowing our voices but not our world.
If some of you think I am strong, it’s God’s strength He’s given me. Some of you might wonder how I can trust His perfect plan even if it seems painful—He has proven to me over and over that He cares about me in many personal ways, and He’s taken care of me in many ways that I could have never planned for to make this process as easy as possible. Additionally, every time I open my Bible, He is giving me words of comfort, courage and hope. Often He leads me to verses promising that He’ll bless double for our trials, and this gives me such comfort and hope.
Sometimes I dread going out in public, because I keep running into people who have heard I’m pregnant or as with any grief, I know that people don’t know what to say or how to act. I don’t have any expectations--I do not mind talking about what happened or the baby. If sometimes I seem like I have it all together, it’s because I’ve asked God to help me keep it together for whatever I need—whether it’s a trip to the commissary that I just want to get through or making it through 1 hour and 15 minutes at church, in which I do get teary-eyed. If you would like to talk with me, you are more than welcome to call or come over where we can have time to talk. It’s sometimes harder to talk in passing. I won’t be offended if you don’t say anything about the situation, and I won’t be offended if you do feel led to say a word of comfort or encouragement or have a question. It’s hard, but we are working through it, little steps at a time. I put away my maternity clothes Wednesday, and while it’s sad, it was also a time full of hope for the next time I can pull them out—so much different than the finality of losing a spouse.
You can pray for us during our next pregnancy—that I won’t be anxious, and that it will hopefully happen soon after we are able to start trying again. It’s hard, because I’ve met so many people who have had multiple miscarriages, and my first thought is “I don’t want to have to go through this several times!” I did go into this pregnancy feeling blessed that I could even get pregnant—it was a gift to even be pregnant, and I didn’t take the pregnancy for granted. I’m okay being around other babies—I am sure April will be hard as our delivery date nears or if I will be around newborns during that time. So that’s where I’m at right now. . .

Thank you for reading this whole letter but especially for your prayers and sympathy. We do feel very loved by you. Just know that we are sad but not in despair, and that God is good. Whatever you’re going through, know that God cares about you and if you cry out to Him He will answer you."

Lovingly,
Rachelle