January 28, 2008

During this time I went through some turmoil—I knew where my faith should be, because I had learned to trust God the previous year while Scott was in Iraq, but I wasn’t sure what steps to take to get back to that place. I wanted to trust that God was promising more babies, but I was also scared to death that maybe He was promising that because I might have to endure more heartache before receiving the promise. Our lesson in "Walking by Faith" was about taking that step of faith--sure, I understood that if you feel that God is leading you to a certain college and you take a step of faith to enroll, but I didn't understand how to take a "step of faith" in my situation.

There was a time during Scott's deployment in which we thought that the mission he was scheduled to complete would most likely cost his life. I wanted to ask God to preserve his life, but I also knew that many people had probably prayed that for Doug, too. Although we may never know all the ways God is working and His purposes, I had seen a glimpse of how God was already working through Nicole's life in amazing ways. I didn't know what God's will was for us or what He was going to allow for His greater purpose. After some times of raw emotion with God, I felt that He had brought me to a place where I was willing to accept whatever His will was, even if it meant the life of my husband. Don't get me wrong--I did not want Scott to die, but I knew after walking with Nicole on that journey that God still deserved my praise, even if Scott didn't come home. I looked back at my journal from when I had gone through that time, and ironically, it was exactly a year ago that I had recorded the process of how God brought me to that place of acceptance--which made re-learning the lesson that much more special. He had spoken so clearly at that time "Trust me, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship." Once I read that again and remembered how He taught me that lesson, I accepted the path I was on for this journey, and I was set free from the turmoil. It was almost as if the minute I decided to step out in faith and muster the courage to believe that maybe He was promising me babies/twins, I was filled with peace--even if it meant the journey had more loss. My own fear of the future and resistance to accept whatever may come caused me more turmoil than stepping out on my dark, blind path for whatever lay ahead. But I found the courage to take that step when I remembered that God sees the big picture and that I can trust Him, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship. The wonderful truth is that He walks with us, holding our hand, when we cry out to Him.