From my journal. . .
"I don't even know what I'm feeling today. I know it's only been almost 7 weeks since we lost the baby, but I'm not all torn up. I do ache for the fact that in a couple of months I would have had a baby. I'm very glad to not be separated from Scott as he goes for interviews in a few weeks. Lord, please help us to know where we are going. Help me to get things ready to move."
February 5, 2008
"Last night and yesterday I felt 'soul-lonely--' wanting to talk to someone who had been through my situation that had the same faith I have. Today I called Nicole for Doug's birthday, and I was so encouraged after talking with her--I didn't feel soul lonely anymore--even though we haven't been through the same thing, we have the same faith." [Since May I had been hearing about how God was also speaking so clearly to her and ministering to her during her grief, and it was so encouraging to me to know that God does indeed speak so clearly and intimately--it wasn't just coincidence. I had been sensing the different phases of faith I was learning--first to even believe that God had spoken we would have twins; then the next step of faith I felt that God was challenging me to a deeper level of belief--if I truly believed what He was saying I would tell someone--otherwise I was keeping it to myself in fear in case He didn't really carry it through. I told Nicole, and she believed with me that God would keep the promise He had given.]
"Lord, help me to trust You more. I have to choose to believe and not doubt that You are promising us boy twins. I don't know when it will happen, but I must keep believing. I don't want to be a crazy mom, and if I get pregnant with one I will be happy and content, but I have to keep believing even if I lose more babies before I have my boys."
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