I really don't have words for today. So I don't even know why I'm writing a blog post, but I feel like I just have to sit down and write. This post is more for me than for you--I just don't have the energy to pick up a pen and write in my journal. It's been a long week of waiting (moreso for my friend than for me). Her 23 week old baby had Trisomy 18 and had conditions that were incompatible with life. As I have said before, it's not enough to lose a baby, but what you have to go through to get the baby out makes it even worse. She had wanted Cradled to be there to help take care of the baby after she is born and to take pictures to remember her by. The difference this time is that we were friends before Cradled was even part of my life, so I would have been there, regardless. The other reason I felt like I needed to be there, was because her mom had passed away a year and a half ago, so she wouldn't be able to be with her. No one should go through this alone. So, we had a hospital chaplain friend who had also lost her mother, me who also lost a baby to Trisomy 18, and my Cradled friend Rachel to take the pictures (who had also taken this family's pictures before). (and of course, her husband).
All of the fears that I had during my experience were the same fears she was having--having to lay in a hospital bed for potentially 3 days, knowing full well why you were there and dreading what was to come. She checked in to the hospital yesterday afternoon to be dilated and begin the pitocin. So, Rachel, Sarah and I rushed there last night to keep her company as we waited. In spite of the situation, we were able to have some good conversation and pass the time. Once the doctor said she was only dilated to a 1, I decided to go home to get some sleep. We left knowing that she was about to get an epidural and the last one of us left once she was asleep for the night. This morning I dropped the girls off and stopped by again. The doctor checked and by noon he said she would deliver later today (we were all relieved that it would not take long for her sake!). At this point I had to leave for a couple of errands and picked up the girls. I had planned to go back to the hosptial tonight whenever Scott came home. At 3:10 my friends called and said she would deliver in an hour and not more than 2. I scurried around to find a place to drop off the girls, and at the last second a friend called back that she would be home. I ran the girls there and made it to the hospital at 4:10. We were talking and all the sudden my friend made a face and said she felt something really weird. She checked, and yes, the baby was coming.
Baby girl had problems, but she was beautiful. It was all so surreal; but yet I will never forget it. There were some beautiful moments--borderline holy moments. But I've already forgotten a lot, because it was such a blur. We had no idea what to expect or the right way to bathe her delicate skin, but we figured it out as we went along. Once all of the nurses and staff had left, we put her in a diaper and the prettiest blanket. There was a lot of peace. We sang a blessing, and I could see that mother's love in my friend's eyes and for a brief moment some smiles as she lovingly looked at her little girl.
No mother should ever have to deliver a stillborn. But it happens. The rest of us can leave the hospital and go back to our lives--although our hearts and minds are forever changed from seeing this precious, tiny, sleeping baby. My friend will awaken tomorrow to suddenly not being pregnant anymore and doing the hardest thing--leaving the hospital without a baby after going through labor. Then all the awkward questions start from innocent people--"how many children do you have?" Praying that the Lord showers them with His love. Lord, we need you, as so many are suffering around us.
No comments:
Post a Comment