We as humans love new life. Dawn of a new day. Magazines give us tips on how to "freshen up our room with new accessories." Babies and baby animals are irresistible. New Life mysteriously bursts forth to our delight every time. What today might look like dead sticks on a tree, tomorrow might suddenly show a hint of green peeking through and then next day the tree is bursting with green or flowers. A tiny egg might rest quietly and immobile, only the next day to burst for with a chick pushing out to tell the world, I'm here! I'm alive in there!
I can only imagine Mary, the mother of Jesus, when she saw that He was finally dead on the cross. She probably hoped and expected He would do something miraculous and still be alive. I don't know if she fully understood what was happening or not, but can you imagine her joy when she heard that Jesus was alive after dying and being buried in the tomb? I have talked about this before, but when I was pregnant with Anna, the doctor told me she had no heartbeat and that I would miscarry soon. I had felt so strongly that God had spoken I would become pregnant on April 14, so I kept questioning, why would He tell me that, I actually do get pregnant, and then the baby die? We spent an agonizing 3 weeks waiting, and with every tinge of pain I wondered if I was beginning to miscarry. My labs confirmed to my OB that yes, I would still miscarry. We went back for a final ultrasound before my scheduled D&C, and to everyone's amazement, Anna was there filling the screen, looking like a perfect baby with her heart beating wildly. You could almost hear her screaming, "I'm alive in here!" I have never likened that moment to Mary receiving the news of Jesus' resurrection, but this year it resonated with me as I imagined her emotions so many years ago.
So those who read my last post are probably wondering what has happened. I took a pregnancy test April 14. It was negative. I was definitely disappointed, because I believed whole-heartedly I would be pregnant (even though I knew I didn't 100% know what God's plan is, only what I thought I was hearing). I can't say I felt abandoned by God, but I did question things. I know He speaks into daily life with scripture, through nature, song and other people. Why wouldn't this be any different, other than it's a specific date in the Bible that happens to line up with the exact date on our calendar coinciding with Passover. UNLESS, I was really reading into things. I did wonder, was a making a bigger deal out of what I was reading; were all these things coincidences? I texted Nicole back and forth and she said she had been praying New Life over me, because she felt that was a theme God was speaking in her life as well. She wondered if it might be April 15 since that is the official day of Passover and the symbol of new life through deliverance for the Israelites as the left Egypt. This thought had crossed my mind. But it's pretty obvious today I am not pregnant (if you know what I mean). Am I disappointed? Yes. But for obvious reasons, why would have expected to be pregnant since I took birth control this month? I don't know. I feel like it will be soon; I had built up such a miraculous expectation in my mind (which is what we are challenged to do--believe the unexplainable and have great expectation). But, my miraculous time is not now. I texted Nicole--It's fine if it's next month or some other time, but I don't understand all the messages I seemed to be getting. When I prayed to God in my confusion, I heard "I know the plans I have for you." Jer. 29:11. Even though I know that in my heart, it was comforting to be reminded again. That's all I need to believe in right now.
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