Something smells good up there. . .

Pepper's (our dog) tumor in her mouth is still growing pretty rapidly toward the back of her throat.  I am getting more nervous about the end--will I awaken one morning and she won't be breathing anymore?  Will I come home and she won't come out to greet me?  Will we have to put her to sleep?  Will I hold her when she takes her last breath after the shot, or will I say my final good-bye before hand?  (any experiences you want to share regarding this will be appreciated as I decide what to do in this scenario) The night before last was the first time I really started having a hard time letting go.  I'm glad I have the chance to prepare for it, but as fast as the tumor is growing, it seems that it could be soon.  Then I think--"it could be a few months before it makes her sick enough to take her life."  She seems so normal right now that the more I pet her and talk to her, the more I begin to miss her as I imagine this might be the last day I feel her soft, warm fur closely anymore.  Sigh.  She seems to be constantly by my side these days, too, so I will notice her absence even more than when I was busy with a newborn and she kind of stayed in the background.  The good thing about pets is that you can always get yourself reattached to another one. . .but I don't like it that we really are at the end for her. 

The first pic today is kind of funny.  In Germany, we almost always took her to restaurants if we walked from our house, and if we drove somewhere out of town, it was a nice way for her to be out of the hotel room for the evening.  She usually stayed under the table (just two of us back then, so she had the other two spots to herself).  Most of the time the server did not even know she was there, and we made a point to never feed her directly from the table.  So, this particular meal, it was quite funny.  You can see Scott just received his plate of sausage and is using the hand sanitizer--suddenly a black nose is poking her way up, forcing her way through his legs.  We got quite a laugh since she stays so quiet :)  mmm-mmm.  smelled something good up there. . .

Then the day we all 3 moved to Germany--flying out of DFW.  We had so much to learn, and we had no idea what our house would look like.  Our possessions would arrive a couple of months later (made you realize what you really can live without).  It was definitely a journey into the unknown (although I had at least taken German at Baylor).

Our 1200 square foot apartment with government furniture

Scott and Pepper strolling through one of our favorite towns--Rothenberg



Luke Lives On

I had to share about an organization if you have not heard about it.  We at www.Cradled.org have been working closely with one of our local hospitals to ensure that the women and families who experience the loss of a baby have support and encouragement the minute they enter the hospital.  (We are waiting on approval from the other hospital).  Providence has partnered with the organization Luke Lives On to provide each family who is leaving the hospital empty handed with a box of gifts and things for grief support.  Lisa Hayes is the founder of Luke Lives On close by here in Austin, Texas.  After the loss of her son, Luke, she made it her mission to reach out to other grieving families.  Her work is priceless!  You can sponsor a box, and each family who gives a box will receive a note when it has been passed on to another family.  Please check out her website www.lukeliveson.org  We were shown inside the boxes last week after we met with nurses to discuss what Cradled has to offer.  All of us were deeply touched and thankful that these women and families will have something to hold that will hopefully bring them comfort on their journey of grief.

The Well-Traveled Dog

Our dog Pepper has cancer covering a large portion of the roof of her mouth, so we don't know how much time we have left with her.  She seems to be doing great right now, but I am a little fearful each week if she will take a turn for the worse.  I am posting pics of her/our travels abroad while we were stationed in Heidelberg, Germany. This is the third post in this series.  Pepper likes to be the Alpha dog whenever another lady dog is around.  She is very protective of her house if another female dog comes in.  (she's so sweet and calm you would never know this about her, but she's got some Doberman in her).  A neighbor's German shepherd stopped by and got her on top of the head and around the neck.  I checked her neck out afterwards, and she seemed fine.  A couple of hours later, Pepper kept putting her head in our laps, and suddenly I noticed she had a small hole on top of her head.  Poor girl probably had some kind of headache, but it was particularly interesting how she kept trying to show us.  Thankfully Scott had some suture kits left over from Iraq and proceeded to sew her up.  Ironically, she is often not very trusting of Scott, but the whole time he was fixing her, she kept her head so still in his lap and completely knew he was helping her.  You can see no one had to hold her down.  I just thought this was a cute pic of our nephew "helping" :)

this was the first time she had ever been in snow--Kandersteg, Switzerland.  It was also the first place I ever snow skiied :) She went crazy running through this winter wonderland. 



Neuschwanstein Castle

 

We walked up to the doors of Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany, and Scott was "carrying me away."  Pepper was barking and playing along

Cochem Castle

Pepper actually got to go inside the Cochem castle.  This cute little town is along the Mosel river in Germany.  You can see the castle overlooking, and then Pepper is relaxing inside the dining room during our guided tour.  The last one is the vineyards that were just up the hill from the little village we lived in outside of Heidelberg. I miss those walks!  Tune in again later for some more!

Nussloch Vineyards

"Breakthrough"

I know I promised more pics of Pepper--we've had guests, so I did not get to it today--I still will--sorry about that!  However, I have something better to share.  Please read this amazing post.  I mentioned Tanner awhile back--a 14-year-old who was in a car accident and experienced severe brain trauma on March 23.  I have been reading about his journey, and this post from his parents just seems amazing in light of what he's been through.  Please read the "Breakthough" post--so many interesting points written by his father, and I'm filled with much awe and joy for them, as this was their first real conversation with their son since the accident.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tannerunderwood

More pics of Pepper

Thought I would share some more pictures and the stories behind them.  I think Pepper's cancer is growing pretty rapidly, so we may not have much time left with her.  I really wasn't sure what to expect.  She started kind of coughing/gagging fairly frequently yesterday, so it made me wonder if the tumor is starting to gag her a bit or if the cancer has spread to her lungs already.  I had Scott open up her mouth, and the tumor has already spread toward the back of her throat.  When we first discovered it a few weeks ago, it was the size of a half dollar coin.  It has grown quite quickly!  So, I thought I would share some more fun pictures, and you can see a little bit of life over in Europe (I will share more pics again tomorrow of her in/near the castles).

This was one of our favorite palace gardens, only about 20 minutes from our house.  Schwetzingen.  Pepper wanted to chase those ducks so badly :)  Scott would always say "what is it" (even if there was nothing around) and she would immediately and excitedly try to find the animal/bird he was talking about.  It was their little game.

Fall in Heidelberg

I had to share this next picture, because this was taken a week or two after we lost baby Grace.  I was so thankful to have Scott with me, along with Pepper, my faithful friend :)

Pepper strolling through one of our favorite places--Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland

  Inside the china store. . .she looks uncomfortable :)

She wasn't sure what to think of these cows along one of the most beautiful mountain hikes we've ever been on--a train ride up from Lauterbrunnen

Enjoy these pics--more tomorrow!

Pepper and Memories

Pepper in Switzerland

Heidelberg

Pepper Shopping




Pepper today

I have been taking a LONG trip down memory lane.  It has made me miss Germany and all of the places we traveled so much!  We recently found out our dog, Pepper, has cancer on the soft palette of her mouth.  Because of the location, it cannot be removed.  Not knowing exactly how much longer she has with us, I decided to create a flip book of a lot of the pictures we have from her adventures.  This meant going through all of our digital pictures--which began when we moved to Germany in 2004.This October will mark 10 years that we have had her!  We were married May 26, 2002 and lived in San Antonio.  In October we brought Pepper into our home; she was 2.5 years old.  Since I had never had a dog, the idea of raising a puppy terrified me, especially knowing we had brand new carpet and would be selling our house in less than two years to go to our next duty station.  Someone overheard my husband's phone conversation with me about not wanting a puppy for those reasons and offered that he had a dog who was well-trained that he wanted to get rid of.  We wondered what was wrong with her--he simply wanted a dog for hunting, and Pepper was gun-shy.  His wife told him they could not get another dog until he found a home for Pepper.  It turned out to be a perfect match. 
Pepper is the most obedient dog you will ever meet.  She does not chew things or jump on people, bark excessively, and she is very careful about how she walks, trying not to step on things.  She also walks best when not on a leash.  
Thus, when we moved to Heidelberg, Germany, she was the perfect dog to take EVERYWHERE.  She has many tales to tell--going to the bank, many restaurants laying under or beside the table, castles, some old cathedrals, a china dishes store, riding on buses, trains, the mountains, you name it.  She even had a passport that got stamped.  This dog has been to France, Switzerland, Germany and Austria.  I would not have made it through Scott's deployment without having her to hug every night before bed.  She has witnessed the tears I shed after he left for Iraq, especially the raw tears after Doug was killed, and then wrestling with God after we thought Scott would be sent on a dangerous mission.  Then came the mornings I would spend time with God to work through the loss of baby Grace.  She has seen it all!
Germany changed her--she became more outgoing and actually enjoyed all of the people coming into our home for our small group and different parties.  In San Antonio, she was a scared dog; in Germany she would hear the kids playing outside in the afternoon and beg with her deep growl/bark "oww wow wow" to go out to the playground to run around and see them. 
Since we moved into this house when I was pregnant with Anna, her spot has been in front of a sliding door that connects our bedroom to the nursery.  She has raised her head as I have had many middle-of-the night feedings and been thankful when we have had afternoon naps together :)  I will miss hearing her snoring :)  She has fallen in love with the girls--immediately she loved Anna and was very protective--always staying between the baby and whoever was visiting.  Since Elizabeth was born, her hearing isn't as good, so she's not quite in tune with what's going on and stays asleep.
While Scott wanted the dog the most, she favored me. To this day, she cannot be anywhere that she does not keep her eyes on me. It stresses her if she cannot find me so she will follow me from room to room. I have never had a more loyal friend :)
Right now, you can't tell that anything is wrong with her.  I was prepared that since she was 12 years old we might not have much time left with her.  She had a clean bill of health at her check-up, but a couple of months later, her breath was so bad, I had Scott open her mouth to see if she had an infection or growth.  Sure enough, we saw something and the biopsy proved it to be a fast-growing melanoma.  I do hope that as it spreads she will die peacefully or that we will know the time is near.  We are prepared to put her to sleep if it seems she is suffering.
She's doing so well now, so we are trying to give her lots of attention and treats.  She seems very happy with this arrangement, too.  :)  I could do a commercial for IAMS dog food--it has kept her body in great condition for so long.  I do not like to think of the ugly cancer spreading in her body; right now I'm trying to really enjoy what time we have left with her, however long that will be.  Enjoy the pics; I might share more as the days go on.

The rest of the story. . .

And part 2 of the story.  Nicole has written it out on her blog. . .thanks again, Nicole!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/think-god-doesnt-care-about-the-details-think-again/

be sure to read the beginning from yesterday if you haven't. . .

Our Story

My friend, Nicole, that I am always referring to, wrote our story of losing baby Grace and then our "misdiagnosed miscarriage," Anna, on her blog today.  It's nice to have it written out concisely from beginning to end--so if you are just joining in, go to her blog today and tomorrow to get the whole story.  Thanks, Nicole!!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/against-all-hope-believe-meet-a-true-friend/

Camera Lost and Found?

This might be a bit of an odd post, but it's what's on my mind right now.  We returned home from a family reunion and visiting friends/family in the Northwest Arkansas area.  Last Wednesday, we made the trip home through Arkansas, Oklahoma and then Texas.  We only made a few stops.  I have carried my camera in my purse for 6 years (an old version and now a new version of the Canon SD 1200).  I did not take any pictures with it Thursday or Friday, and kind of glanced in my purse Saturday, because I knew we'd be taking Father's Day pictures.  Didn't see it, but I wasn't worried.  It always turns up.  Sunday I really couldn't find it, so I began looking all day.  Then Monday, then Tuesday started tracking down and calling all the places we had stopped on our way home (and even here in town)--in case it had fallen out of the car.  Everyone was very helpful, but there was no camera.  1.  Either it is somewhere crazy in my house from my 20-month-old taking it out of my purse, 2.  it is laying somewhere unnoticed after falling out of the car 3.  Someone has it but does not know how to reach me  4. Someone decided to keep the camera.

Thankfully I had cleared out the card before going on the trip, but of course, I am sad to lose the pictures from that trip.  It's not earthshattering, but there were a handful of pictures I had taken of Elizabeth on her 20 month "birthday" that I was in love with.  The color, lighting and her personality were all bursting from the photos--I have never been able to catch all of that together before.  sigh.  And I want my camera!

So, what does one do in this situation?  I can't pinpoint the exact city that I might have lost it.  And if it fell out in a parking lot, say in Eureka Springs, where would someone have turned it in?  I checked the camera "lost and found" websites, but those are difficult to know which one a person might post to.

The lesson I have learned--put your contact information on your camera.  Maybe this seems a little scary, because you don't want some pervert trying to find you after seeing your children, but overall, it would at least allow a chance for someone to reach you if he/she is a kind-hearted person.  I so wish I had a phone number on my camera at this moment.

Any suggestions from someone else who has been through this?  I will let you know if it turns up in my house someday.  As people say, keep the camera--but send me the SD card!

Cradled website

So our Cradled website has been up for a few weeks now, but I haven't made a big deal about it on my blog yet.  Things are about to get big, so we are very excited!  Not about women hurting, but at the ability to be able to reach out to so many more.  If you haven't checked it out, it's www.Cradled.org or you can click on the button to the right (or put that on your blog if you feel like it would reach out to women).  We just got our brochures printed to give out to the OBs and midwives, and I'm planning our luncheon for September.  I'm learning all of this as I go along, so it's a fun challenge, but there is so much to learn about doing it right!  (getting the non-profit status, planning and marketing an event, etc.)  Up until now, we have just been serving the women who we met or our friends put us in contact with. Now, we know that one hospital in town will make sure every woman who has a loss will know about the services we offer, and we're waiting to meet with the other hospital.  We are also thrilled to have added the infertility support component; so many times this goes hand in hand with a loss.
Many of our services are for women in Central Texas, but we also will give e-mail support or provide a listening ear if someone needs to talk.
I am all ears if you have advice or suggestions!  We are still adding resources and other information so check back again!

Memorial Day

Memorial Day weekend is very special for us.  First, it was the weekend we got married 10 years ago.  Then, on our 4th Anniversary, we we apart because Scott was deployed to Iraq for 13 months (yuck).  That morning he surprised me with a call before I had to rush off to substitute at the American high school.  (I never knew how many days it would be before I talked to him).  I told him something was wrong with Doug, but I wasn't sure.  I sat down to write my best friend, Nicole an e-mail to tell her that Scott had said he would figure out what was going on with Doug (because they were going out that direction that day).  Then I deleted the e-mail, because I wondered if she had been notified yet, and I didn't want to cause any confusion--certainly he was just hurt and in the hospital, or maybe he was being flown back to Germany to be taken care of.  I only had received a copied e-mail from a friend that was to Nicole saying she was sorry about Doug.  This woman's husband was also deployed down there, so I didn't know if she had heard something before Nicole had; I trusted that if the most horrible thing had happened, Nicole would let me know first, but it nagged at the back of my mind that something was very wrong.When I walked across to the part of the Army post where the high school was, I realized that I had left my military ID in the car, so I had to sneak in through a gate that some kids had a key to.  After 9-11, we had German security guards who would only let you on post if you had a military ID or you could sign in with a passport, neither of which I had on me.  So, on my free period at 10:15am, I walked back home to get my ID.  Then, on the answering machine was a message from my other friend telling me that she noticed I wasn't copied on the e-mail, and she didn't know if I already knew, but Doug had been killed.  My first feeling was desperation--it's over before he even had a chance to be treated or given the chance to make it.  Of course I was hysterical, trying to find a neighbor to tell who also knew Doug and Nic.  Our lives changed forever that Memorial Day.  Hers of course more so than mine, but I will NEVER forget what an awful weekend it was.  Alison and I went to visit her as soon as I got out of school.  It turns out that Nic had told the Army to notify me.  That's why I was not copied on the e-mail; but it might have been harder for me if they had reached me--I might have thought at first they were calling because of Scott.
I did not sleep all night.  Crying for her, thinking about the reality of what war meant, and how he was never coming home.  We just assumed he and Scott would come home.  This rocked my world.  You survive every day telling yourself they are coming home; otherwise, you would be overcome with anxiety.  Now I had been lying to myself, so how would I cope now? 
In those dark, dark moments, Nicole trusted God.  She trusted that He still loved her, even though He had allowed this horrible event to happen.  Her story is amazing--that is why I have been posting parts of her blog this week. www.nicsrevelations.wordpress.com If you're interested in reading her book, Revelations, that chronicles these past 6 years of what she has learned about God and Heaven, see the previous post--it's on sale today.
And the next Memorial Day we were still waiting to "miscarry" Anna but our hope for a miracle was very alive!  So I remember the uncertainty as we walked around Brugges, Belgium.  And the doctor's appointment after we got back showed she was alive.  That was an amazing moment.  She was perfect, even though everything else pointed to her not being viable.  I still look back on those pictures with sort of a sick feeling--the anniversary of Doug's death as well as the unknown for us--our first pregnancy after losing Grace and being told Anna had already "died."
Memorial Day is so much bigger than even Doug or our celebrations.  Thousands and thousands of US soldiers have lost their lives fighting for our country.  If you visit Verdun, France or Normandy, it will take your breath away.  In Verdun, you can see the graves of 14,246 American soldiers from World War I  http://thewanderingchick.com/fr-verdun.html  And I know that there are thousands of others who have lost their lives in other places.  Today I specifically remember CPT Douglas DiCenzo and MAJ David Taylor who were KIA along with many others from Scott's brigade while he was deployed to Ramadi, Iraq.  If you ever attend a military funeral, you will never forget it.  At the end they do a roll call, and when they call the soldier's name and he doesn't answer, they say it 2 more times, louder each time, with the sickening silence following.  Inside you are screaming--"he is not here--just stop!!!"  I hope I never have a reason to attend one of those again. 
What this day represents is so humbling--I still get teared up every time I hear the National Anthem.  "the Land of the free and the Home of the Brave."  The people who are left behind and those we honor deserve all our gratitude.  Watch this song by Avalon--For Freedom
http://youtu.be/bMjFsVUYmGM

Nic's book is on sale. . .

The posts I have been spotlighting recently are from my friend, Nicole, who has also written a book about what she learned about Heaven since her husband, Doug, was killed.  If you're interested in her book, it is on sale today and tomorrow!  You can check it out at http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/about/

GET REVELATIONS FOR $6 OFF
It has been 6 years since Doug was KIA. In honor of all the fallen from today until Memorial Day you can get Revelations for $6 off.
Go to http://ow.ly/b7Lru to get on kindle for $3.28
Go to http://ow.ly/b7Lvd and plug in code 5TL3KK5S to get for $8.92
 

Does time heal?

Another great post from Nicole.  She lost her husband to an IED blast in Iraq while we were stationed in Germany.  She is doing a series on grief leading up to Memorial Day--they are so good, I can't help but keep sharing them for those of you healing (aren't we all?) or walking with a friend who is healing.  What are your thoughts to her question--Does time heal, or does time make it real?

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/does-time-heal-or-does-time-just-make-it-real/

More from Nic. . .

This is another great post from my friend, Nicole.  If you are mad at God right now because of a loss, read this.  She has been through deep pain so she is being honest and real.  Just in case you didn't catch my previous post to read her blog series on grief, I wanted to post this one.  "If you hate God because of a loss, pray anyway."

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/hate-god-because-of-a-loss-pray-anyway/

Rach

8 ways to Cope When Grieving--straight from a friend

You all have heard me talk about my best friend from Germany, Nicole, whose husband was killed May 25, 2006 from an IED explosion in Iraq.  Those were tough times.  She had an amazing post yesterday that I wanted to share on ways to cope with grief--this is the real deal.  I've walked with her, and I can agree with them from my own personal experiences as well--she knows what she's talking about, and I thought she communicated it so well.  I hope it helps!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/8-ways-to-cope-when-grieving/

She will continue to do a series on grief, so check back!
http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/

you don't want to miss this!

Mother's Day. . .then and now

I think back to Mother's Day 4 years ago, we had just announced to our church that I was pregnant again (when I knew many of them were sad for me knowing that I should have just delivered Grace).  I wasn't planning on announcing it that day, but someone came and asked me--"is there something you're not telling us" and we both started crying so then I knew I had to get up and let everyone know that they were tears of joy.  (My husband and I were leading worship that Sunday).  Little did we know that we would be faced with a faith journey to be told later that week on Thursday that I would miscarry that weekend.  Thankfully weeks later, our little Anna was discovered alive and well the ultrasound before the scheduled D&C.  You can't help but remember these moments.  Every Mother's Day the whole scenario plays out for me.  How I was heartbroken to be told that we would lose another baby, when the first was just a "one-time chance."  But how I felt that God had promised us this baby at that appointed time.  I decided to wait and Believe God for what He would do.

Here are the girls from yesterday. (Had trouble getting a good picture, but I wanted you to see them). Two amazing gifts I don't ever take for granted.  Somewhere in my mind in the quietness on Saturday night, I heard a little girl's voice saying "mommy, mommy."  It wasn't Anna or Elizabeth, so then I realized that it was a reminder that Grace is still alive in Heaven--she/God didn't want me to forget that she made me a mommy first--that her life was precious.  She lived in me for 5.5 months and went straight to Heaven.  I know this sounds freaky, but it's just a gentle reminder as I get busy caring for these girls on earth that she's up there basking in the glory of Heaven, made perfect.  For those of you who have lost babies and still do not have children here on earth, you are still a mommy to those precious little ones in Heaven.  And you will be a mommy to one on earth soon.

Connections. . .Little Rock, Germany, and Central Texas

Hello again, to my new Kelly's Korner friends.  This blog is not your typical blog (although I'm going to try to do better at posting pics of the girls :)  I did want to tell about myself in a nutshell.  We have lived in Central Texas for almost 4 years after moving here from Heidelberg, Germany.  My husband and I grew up in Little Rock then both ended up back there after college.  He went to UAMS for medical school (the Army paid for it), and then completed residency at Lackland Air Force Base (the pediatric program is combined with Army and Air Force there).  We got married while he was in residency so I spent our first 2 years of marriage in San Antonio.  The next 4 were spent in Heidelberg (which we miss so much!).  While we were there he was deployed to Iraq for 13 months--something I don't ever want to repeat.  We also lost our first baby at 22 weeks (which is why this blog started).  Now that we are in Texas, we have 2 girls--3.5 years old and one 19 months today.  I am part of a group that reaches out to women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, or infertility, and I am about to get our website up and running.  We have support groups and offer services for those of you who are in Central Texas (for any stage of loss or grief for your baby(s) and we also have social events to build our community.  Please send me a message if you'd like to know more and could either partner with us or if you would like support.  Our soon-to-be website is www.Cradled.org and should be running by the end of the week.  For those of you outside of Central Texas, we are here for you as a listening ear and to provide resources.  You can check my list, too.  Hope to meet you all soon!

May 4

(I started writing this May 4 but am just now able to finish) I was looking back at my old entries for a different reason, and I came upon the post where I wrote that I had a positive pregnancy test for Anna--May 4. It was neat to read that again and see what God had done. A little over 4 months since we had lost Grace, I was pregnant again. Those who are joining from the misdiagnosed miscarriage website--this is where that story starts. I went to my doctor's appointment at 6.5 weeks, and she said my hormone levels confirmed I was 6.5 weeks along but that I was showing 4.5 weeks. I would miscarry probably that weekend, because I should have been able to see the little tubes beating. (I remember seeing and hearing Grace's little heartbeat at this stage). I chose to miscarry "naturally" instead of a pill or D&C, because I just couldn't get over the fact that I felt God had promised this baby, and I didn't want to stand in the way of anything He might want to do. You'll have to read the rest of the story, but those next few weeks were very difficult believing, and every twinge I wondered if I was miscarrying, but the ultrasound before the D&C showed a perfectly formed baby with a beating heart--it was almost like she was screaming "I'm alive in here!" I remember struggling with "why would God give me this miracle and not someone else who has been waiting years for a baby and many miscarriages." My friend then told me that sometimes God uses certain stories to increase others' faith. Interestingly, that same friend just delivered her miracle baby in February after waiting 9+ years!  I just read a post from a mom I have mentioned whose 6 year old is battling cancer. He just received news that the tumor is gone. Around Easter I mentioned his story, because of the divine appointment of someone praying for healing in Clayton's ear. Well, it has happened, and his mother is going through the same thankfulness of what God has done but also the sorrow over others who are begging God for the same healing but don't receive it. God is capable. God is our healer. I don't know why some are healed and some are not. We are called to trust and ask Him. I can't explain the rest. When it does happen, it's amazing! http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html

April 25

Today is Grace's due date.  I honestly don't think about it as much as I do her "birthdate."  I remember that first year being pretty nervous about how I would feel and disappointed that I really wasn't delivering a baby, but we were in Holland at the time, and I appreciated that I would be missing out on the beauty of the tulips if I had just had a baby.  Probably what gets me more (still) is seeing other little girls born around April 25, 2008 and thinking about Anna having an older sister and what she really would have been like.  My brain can't wrap my head around that.  At the time I was sad and remembering and thinking what would have been, but I had such hope that I would be pregnant soon (if not already at that moment).  I remember feeling emotionally ready that weekend and telling my husband I would be ready to be pregnant again.  And if you go back and read 2008, you know the rest of the story :)  It turns out I was pregnant but wouldn't find out for another week or so.  Then Anna was born 5 weeks early on the day I think Grace died.  I write all this to give you all hope and courage.  The pain does lessen as the years go by.  Of course, you never forget; and you have a scar, but there is healing and peace in time.
That next pregnancy is hard--I always say I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I was so thrilled to be pregnant again, but then we were told I would miscarry Anna.  So it was a difficult first 3 weeks.  After we saw she was alive, days before the scheduled D&C, I still struggled with the reality that I could lose her.  Sometimes I would cry that I did not want to go to the doctor for my appointment, because I didn't want to have to go through finding out her heartbeat had stopped.  It was a long 35 weeks!  That fear is hard to battle in the next pregnancy, but when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, the fear was still there but not as strong.  Her pregnancy was drama-free, so it was almost strange for me :)  I never took for granted one day that I was pregnant with Grace; somehow I always knew how fragile pregnancy is, and since it was my first pregancy, I didn't know how my body would handle it.  But I relaxed after the first trimester, and it never entered my mind that she would die in utero.  I, like many people, was ignorant about genetic mutations and how they relate to miscarriage/stillbirth.  Now every time someone announces she is pregnant I am always thinking about it with caution.  You can't help it!  You know the possibilities.  But, most of the time, everything turns out fine.  I feel fortunate to have only endured one loss.  I know so many have been through multiple losses, and I cannot imagine that.  I am unbelievably thankful for our girls.  For those of you out there who are also going through infertility, know I don't ever take them for granted.  I pray an extra dose of grace for you as you sort through 2 griefs.  There is hope; somehow, someday, you will be a mommy!

http://www.rachellebelievinggod.blogspot.com/2008/08/pictures.html

The post from April 2008

"Held" by Natalie Grant

This song is for those of you who have lost a child (or any loved one).  Natalie Grant "Held."

video with lyrics:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw&feature=related

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Hello to Kelly's Korner friends. . .

I want to welcome everyone from Kelly's Korner blog, although somehow those words don't sound right.  Maybe because the topic is "Moms who have lost children."  When I sit and think about all of you who have lost children--that you long to see their faces, talk to them, and hold them closely, it breaks my heart.  I cannot imagine that kind of pain.  I am so sorry.  All I can say is that in my relatively short life and the pain I have seen and felt, God is close to the brokenhearted.  Trust that even if you don't feel it right now.  I pray that you will feel His love so close in a very personal way.
I have lost a child in utero--and while I never knew her, I was her mommy for 22 weeks, and I never took her for granted.  In one of my previous posts I mention that I found comfort in her knowing my voice but not knowing this harsh world.  I can sympathize (not quite empathize) with all of the dreams that you had for your child/with your child and how those can end so abruptly and out of our control.  How in a second our whole lives change forever.  We see the world differently than most.  We think of Heaven differently than most.  Our souls have a depth that many cannot tap into--the strength and courage it takes to survive this kind of loss.  We would do anything to still have that beating heart.
So today, I don't live in fear, but I do understand how precious life is, and how quickly it can all change.  And for the 2 girls and husband I have today, I know very well that something could happen tomorrow, and I cherish each moment--soaking in each time I look them in the eyes and snuggle their faces.
May you always have a special memory/memories of your children that keeps them close to you in your hearts.  And may the rest of us keep talking about them to keep their memories alive.

Storms of Life

We as a family are at a peaceful point in our lives.  The girls are 18 months and 3 years old now (hard to believe!) so this is a really fun time.  I am relishing it, because I know the terrible twos are only a couple of months away.  But I am fully aware of all of the storms that rage around us right now in other families.  Families with miscarriages.  Families waiting to adopt. Families battling cancer in their children or their wife/mother of young children.  Families waiting for their son to awaken--he was in a car accident almost 2 weeks ago and had brain swelling. And so they wait, hope and cry, and try to find a way to live in their reality while the world goes 'round.
I wanted to highlight two websites of these families who are experiencing these storms.  I think no matter what you are going through, their stories of hope, grief, anger, and God sheltering them will encourage you.  I also am greatly aware that our time of peace could come to an end at a moment's notice, so I do not take it for granted!  Take a moment to read their stories.  In Tanner's Caringbridge post today, his father reflects on childbirth as compared to waiting for their 13-year-old son to come back to them.  I thought it was poignant for what this blog is about.  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tannerunderwood (journal entry from April 5 Moans and Groans).  And the story of Clayton, who is 6 battling cancer, and the amazing moment that happened for him and his mom--you don't want to miss it.  Their encounter is the reality of what Easter and the resurrection are all about--Jesus is alive, and his spirit (the Holy Spirit we were given after Jesus' death and resurrection) is among us in a very real and supernatural way at the same time. This stuff is real.  http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012/04/divine-appointments.html?spref=fb
Tomorrow is Good Friday.  Good Friday is good because Jesus loves you, He died for you and all of our sin to make a way for us to spend eternity with Him and have a relationship with Him here on earth.  It's hard to describe the vast, overwhelmingness of what He accomplished Good Friday.  But the story doesn't end with Friday.  3 days later He arose from the dead.   This really happened--if you want proof, leave me a comment or e-mail me and I can direct you there.  If you're not sure whether you believe any of this, pray to God and ask Him to show Himself to you.  This video might be how you're feeling, and like Clayton and his mom experienced, God knew his thoughts and fears and met him where he was. http://www.namb.net/namb1cbvideo.aspx?id=8589936129
"Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death" Matt Maher

Joy and Sorrow

I'm 35, but in my short life, I have observed many griefs--not my own, but from people close to me.  February is one of those months that stirs up remembrances.  When I was 13, my grandmother died on this day.  I remember it so vividly, and I still think of her often.  My cat awakened me at the exact time she died (although I did not know she had died until my father picked me up from school).  My mother was with her when she took her last breath and entered Heaven.  I remember watching my mother grieve that year, which prepared me to be sensitive to others going through grief.  In college, a friend from Little Rock who was also attending Baylor with me was killed in a car accident on February 5.  She was engaged, and it was tough seeing those dreams diminish and the grief that her family had to go through.  February 5 is special for the cousins whose birthday it is, but years later I think of Doug on this day--it's his birthday as well.  I think of his mom and Nicole on that day and how much they must miss him.  He was KIA in Iraq.  Nicole has recently released her book Nic's Revelations about everything she has learned about Heaven and God since Doug was killed.  https://www.createspace.com/3653957
February 27 is also the day that my aunt passed away and then my cat died in my mom's lap.  There's something special about this date--sorrow mixed with joy.  It's other people's birthdays, my brother-in-law for one.  I just received the news that our friends in Germany who supported us so much after we lost Grace had a baby boy just a little while ago. (he wasn't scheduled to be born until March 5).  Shannon asked me to pray for a miracle for her to have another baby (they have a 12-year-old daughter so they have waited a long time!), and I must admit, my prayers for her had dwindled.  The amazing thing about their story--God spoke to their daughter that Shannon was pregnant--and she laughed, just like Sarah in the Bible when God told Abraham that they would have a baby in their old age, even after Sarah's womb had been closed.  But, indeed, Shannon was pregnant, and their baby boy just made his appearance into the world.  Oh what joy!  He's here!  After so many years of waiting!  We rejoice with them.
Another story of sorrow and joy--one year ago, Addie was born on February 9.  She lived 6 days and passed away in her mother's arms on February 15.  Now Kristen is in labor to give birth to their baby boy a year later.  Oh what joy, again!
February 23 marks the date one year ago that another friend lost her mom.  And it marks the birthday of yet another friend who recently lost her mother.  And my dad's cousin who passed away a year ago--the list goes on of loved ones lost.  And I'm constantly reminded of others who have recently lost mothers.  I don't feel old but yet my heart breaks to have so many friends who have lost parents.  It does make me treasure each day I have left with mine--but also keenly aware of how short time can be.  I think about all of these things while hearing daily about others whose loved ones are fighting cancer, losing babies or other trials.  You all weigh heavily on my heart as I think about what each of you are going through--your grief journey or your fight against cancer.  These 2 births today did my heart good to be able to rejoice with these families on a day and in a month that reminds us of so much sadness.  I also thought they might encourage anyone who has recently lost a baby or who is waiting for a baby.  Your time will come whether through pregnancy or adoption!  These baby boys today give us hope and joy! 

Dixie: Wake-up call.

I am touched by a tragedy that happened in our city.  As I am writing this, a funeral service is beginning for a young lady named, Dixie.  A couple from our church started a ministry to strippers and help those who want to get out of the industry.  It's called, Jesus Said Love.  www.jesussaidlove.com   Emily has been mentoring Dixie for about 3 years, and last week, she decided she wanted to follow Jesus--meaning put her faith in Jesus, believe that he died for our sins, rose again on the third day, and that because He came to earth, He provided a way for us to spend eternal life in Heaven.  This also means that once you put your faith in Him, He restores you, changes you and you have a helper and friend in your time of need.  (read my blog for examples of this) That same day, her boyfriend decided to put his faith in Jesus and they got engaged.  Sunday, they were going to be baptized at our church, but instead, Dixie is in Heaven, due to a motorcycle accident that happened Thursday.  We know she is in Heaven, because it says in the Bible that "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23) and "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 6:23)  "Believe on the Lord, Jesus, Christ, and you will be saved."  (Acts 16:31) And the verse most people have heard "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life."  John 3:16
God worked in her life for 3 years through Emily, and because she chose to give her life to Him, we know where she is today.  What a tragedy that so many people don't want to think about these things, and they, too, are taken away in an accident.  I do believe there is a loving God, and I do believe that Jesus lived here on this earth to take away the sins of the world so that we could have relationship with Him, and I do believe that Heaven is real, and that Hell is real.  Please take a moment to think about these things--do you know what you believe and why?  If this happened to you, what do you think happens to your soul?  Feel free to ask me or others questions.  Don't wait until it is too late.

Shattered Dreams

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile, but I finally have some peace and quiet to sit down and write.  :)  Losing a job is like having a miscarriage.  It brings up some of the same feelings--the plans that you had for the future suddenly in a matter of just a few words change.  We accepted the job 3.5 years ago, planning that Scott would raise a generation of kids through his practice and he was committed to making this clinic the best in town.  We bought a house that we could stay in for 20 years and raise our family in.  Then he was told they would not renew his contract--simple as that (well not really).  He went from being told he was the face of the hospital a few months before to buh-bye.  The irony is that the person who threatened to quit if they didn't get rid of Scott was simultaneously asking to be hired across town.  So, it was difficult to feel that your loyalty and commitment to the system did not matter in this situation, and it was hard to watch your husband be painted a certain way when he had the patients, staff, and what was best for the clinic weighing heavily on his heart.  God has allowed some of the truth to come out in different ways, but it's hard to not want justice and the whole world to know what had happened the previous year. There are so many sides to the situation that made it very difficult, but in the moment you feel the feelings of shock and all of the dreams I had about raising our girls and more in our house began to shatter.  We didn't know if it would work out to stay in town or if we would have to move, but in a moment all of those plans disappeared. You wake up one morning dreaming about Christmas with the girls in this house to the next morning having no idea if you'll have to pack it all up (and I had thrown away every box, because we thought we would probably never move again).   The more I looked around the house and neighborhood and thought about all of the things I was looking forward to, the more sad I got about the prospect of leaving, and the more angry I got about the fact that deception and lies were at the root of us having to rip up our life and move.  I had just gotten to the point where I felt like our life was peaceful and there was nothing major we had to work through.  Although, I did get a sense that God kept speaking "don't get too comfortable"  I kept wondering if He was going to call us to a mission field or maybe just reminding us to keep it all in perspective, but I did want to enjoy the time we were having.  But, just like with pregnancy--one day you are dreaming about what it will be like to finally have him/her, and then the next morning you wake up to find out that the dream is gone.

It took 4 months for us to figure out what we were going to do--which I understand isn't very long in the job world, but it was amazing to me how many feelings resurrected in me from when we lost Grace.  Maybe the uncertainty (In the moment I didn't know when we would be able to have another baby) and certainly the shattered dreams part--we had so looked forward to having a baby alongside our church family in Germany, but of course, looking back, we don't really think about it anymore.  Scott struggled with many feelings of "does God really care about me?"  "Does He really care about what job I have?"  Of course, Yes!  Yes!  YES!  I know while I was grieving over losing Grace I felt God loving me, and I hoped that Scott would feel the same as he was grieving this situation.  Thankfully God provided a lot of encouragement from our community that they loved him, and other colleagues gave him their support.  This helped tremendously!  And I do believe that God picked him up out of a difficult situation and put him in a better place.  (It's hard to be convinced of that when you're in the middle of the situation, but I know he is grateful for his new colleagues and an environment that is much more positive!).  During this time, I started reading the book Shattered Dreams, by Larry Crabb, and I highly recommend it for many situations.

Long Time No See. . .

Well, It's been awhile since I've written, but I felt like I needed to start writing again. I'll catch up on the basics, and then tomorrow I can write what's been on my heart. Elizabeth Brooke was born October 6, 2010 (can't believe she will be 1 soon!) As you can tell with the lack of posts, I have been busy adjusting to 2 children. Wow--most of the time I feel like I can't think straight, because I'm tending to one or the other of the girls, so I feel like I say things I might ordinarily have a filter for :) So, sorry if I've offended anyone or said anything weird the past year or two (while I had pregnancy brain). Hopefully now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will think better. The first 2 months of Elizabeth's life, she screamed all night unless she was being held. This meant both grandmothers sharing shifts with me so that I could sleep in bed some hours and hold E in the morning hours while they slept in bed to be ready for caring for Anna. Then we moved through the terrible two's, learning how to deal with tantrums and screaming from a 2-year-old, and then on to potty training, and now that Anna is 3 months shy of turning 3, she is successfully potty trained and in the last couple of weeks has shown some maturity. Needless to say, my sweet child is back (most of the time :) Now that Anna is more manageable, Elizabeth has started the phase of tearing up the house and getting into things. sigh. I know this will all pass quickly, but these are tiring times :) Although, I am so excited to watch them grow together, and I constantly daydream about how the girls will play together in the future. We pray that they will be close friends.

God continues to bring women into my life who have suffered miscarriages, stillbirths, or early infant losses. I know He has given me a sensitive heart for all of you out there, because He loves you. Many women have already gotten pregnant again, so that is exciting! If any of you out there are reading this and have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss, I would love to hear about something that really encouraged you during this time--either a verse someone shared, a song, a book, poem, picture, etc. that either someone said to you or you discovered on your own and it comforted you. I always like to know these things so I can pass them along to other women. Please leave it as a comment for all to read (but if you're not comfortable, feel free to e-mail).

Some of you who are new to my blog and read it from the beginning may think some things sound pretty crazy (about me believing that God was telling me we'd have twins) Obviously, we do not have twins yet--although I think God was faithful to "bless us double for our woes" by sending us 2 precious girls after Grace. I still have my heart open to the fact that God could still give us boy twins in the future, and I also understand that we can believe God for miracles that sometimes don't work out like we think He is saying. Others of you might be thinking "what in the world does she mean "God is saying." What kind of a person "hears God?" Well, it's simple. Everyday people like me, like YOU. Why else did God choose to announce Jesus' birth to the shepherds in the fields?

If you seriously want to know that God is there, just say a prayer aloud or in your head--"God, are you there?" and He will respond. It might be through picking up your Bible and reading it (and these days this could be on an iPhone :), or it might be a song or something a person says to you, but you will know that God hears you. And I pray that you feel His love for you. God is real, and He cares about the details of your life. I can tell you this from my experience along with many others who have been suffering around me and yet in the midst of their suffering, they can tell you without a doubt, they feel that God is real, and that He loves them based on how they sense Him so personally. Some of you might feel a little angry that you don't feel like God has been there for you. I promise you, that He loves you enough that He has burdened someone's heart for you--and this person hurts for you, whatever you are going through. (I know this from experience). Ask a Christian friend or ask me if you have questions about all of this--don't be shy!

Check back soon for more posts about what all has been spinning around in my head :) And don't forget to let me know of something that has encouraged you through miscarriage/infant loss, etc.

Drumroll. . .

Well, I am 20 weeks, and we are having another girl! It is hard to wrap my mind around for so many reasons, but we are excited. Everything looked normal on the ultrasound. . .kind of nice to already know that before 22 weeks. Thinking back to 2 years ago--I had just found out I was pregnant with Anna about this time and it was right around Grace's due date. So it's fun to think that two years later we are finding out we are having another little girl. God is truly blessing us double for what we lost. . .
In some ways it makes me more excited about the future with twin boys--Anna and this girl will be close and the boys will be close, if that is God's plan. I am at peace that whenever that time comes, God will speak, and I will know it is Him and what He's saying. I don't have to put pressure on myself to try to find what He's saying--it will be loud and clear!

New Journey

Well, today I am 10 weeks pregnant. This is my first announcement to the world. . .It has already been a journey from the day I had a positive pregnancy test. Basically, awhile back I felt that God was speaking that I would be pregnant around September 21. I had stopped breastfeeding Anna, and we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy, because we had learned that when God wants you to have a baby, you will have a baby! We were also kind of resting in the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant for a little while. I was starting to enjoy having a 1 year old that was a lot easier to take care of and beginning to focus on all of the things I had put off for a year! I awoke from a dream January 26, and the words "you are pregnant" were in my mind. I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative, but the next day I just couldn't shake those words. On January 28, I jumped out of bed and knew I had to take another test-- it was positive this time. I was in shock for awhile, especially not knowing if God had really meant that instead of getting pregnant September 21, I would deliver September 21, or was He telling me that date, because I might lose this baby and to give me hope, not to mention the huge question of "was this pregnancy the twins that had been promised?" As you can tell, my mind was racing! Thankfully I had begun a Bible study called One in a Million, by Priscilla Shirer, and I learned a lot about how many of the Israelites didn't enter into the Promised Land because they were fearful or too content where they were, even though this was God's promise to them! To think what they missed! This helped me overcome fear of being able to handle twins, if it was indeed twins, and gave me the courage to go ahead with this journey, even if it meant losing another baby. We just had our first appointment almost 2 weeks ago--by the time I got to the appointment, I was willing to believe that these were the twins, but I also felt that I hadn't heard clearly from God if it was to be this pregnancy. When we had Anna, I always assumed it would be our next full-term pregnancy, but now that I am pregnant I just didn't know what to believe. One of the lessons before my appointment ended with the statement "live your life as if God has already performed a miracle," so I rested in that. Either way, He had performed a miracle with Anna, and I was going to believe that this time the twins were possible. We only saw one baby on the blurry ultrasound, so now I still wrestle with believing that I heard God 2 years ago--do I keep believing for this pregnancy or keep waiting for my "Promised Land" just as the Israelites wandered in the desert as God molded their character?
This "uneventful" pregnancy (so far) has been strange for me after all of the drama that happened with Anna (being told I would miscarry), but I am still holding up a guard until 14 weeks. Of course with each appointment I will still be nervous, but having Anna makes it seem a lot easier to bear heartache again, if that is in our journey. I do long for that day when I can announce to the world "it's twins!" although I know I will have to depend on God's grace to care for them along with Anna! I still believe it's possible with this pregnancy, but the timing is up to God! My next appointment is a week from today, so we will see what's in store.

God is Faithful

I just had a quick update that I have to share--

In my previous post I mention two young ladies who lost babies soon after they were born, and I recommended their blogs. You will be encouraged by their faith! God has blessed them both with pregnancies! Katie is due a month before her little Reese was due, and Rebecca is pregnant with twin girls (naturally!). This is such fantastic, encouraging news that I had to share it for anyone who is hurting and hoping. Time comes to God, and His plan unfolds exactly where it should.

Even though Anna turned 1 last month, there is not a day that I do not still reflect on what God did for us by giving us such an incredible gift! I'm still in awe that we have her!

Recommendations. . .

I wanted to recommend 2 blogs of young ladies who have lost babies just days after they were born. You will find both of them very encouraging and heart wrenching at the same time. I wanted to let you know about them--they are worth reading.

Rebecca is a little over a year down the road. . .and suffered another loss a few months ago. She also has a book published about her experience that will minister to anyone, whether you've experienced this type of loss or not. www.rebeccacooks.blogspot.com
Katie lost her baby a couple of weeks ago, and her faith is so encouraging. www.therowefam.blogspot.com

If you know anyone going through this type of loss, I encourage you to refer them to these blogs and Rebecca's book, A Symphony in the Dark, for sale at www.familylife.com

Thoughts. . .

I wanted to update my blog with the excitement of another story of someone who thought it would be nearly impossible to get pregnant but she was believing God for a baby. My sister-in-law recently found out she was pregnant, and we are rejoicing with her! This is another miracle of life she has waited for the last several years. But, as I write this, my heart is heavy. In my post from December 5, I have a picture with my best friend from college, Lacey. Sadly, a couple of weeks ago, she lost her mom unexpectedly to an illness, and I know the family was hoping and believing for a miracle--and I doubt with no less faith than I had for my miracle baby. Last night I found out about the death of one of my sorority sisters--she died at age 30 from breast cancer they found after she delivered her 3rd child in October. I just read some of the blog her father has been writing, and it grieved me to read some of the same pleas for prayer and a miracle that we had received for Lacey's mom. In both cases, God chose to take these wonderful women to be in heaven with Him. I don't know why God gave me a miracle and chose not to work in these other miracles, and it's especially hard when you see how heartbroken your friends are knowing that God has the power to heal but it wasn't in His plan (although they trust His will and know He is still working powerfully through this). But then I stopped to think about how many miracles happen around us every day--although these losses are so painful, and we can't understand why our faith didn't bring healing, I was comforted to think that God still does miracles around us every day, and He honors us for our faith. Just like in the Old Testament--many had faith but never saw the Promised Land.
I look at my new baby (2 months old now) and I think how happy she is to be alive but it breaks my heart to know that bringing her into this world means that she, too, will probably endure heartbreak somehow in this life. But then I realized that what matters is our relationship with Jesus while we're here on earth. Yes, this life on earth can be painful (and it does have its joys and blessings), but we have been given the opportunity to know Jesus in spite of living here on earth. Ironically, that's what gets us through this heartache--and when we get to heaven as these women and others have gone before us, how much closer we draw to Him during this heartbreak will make it all worth it. Live expectantly for Heaven, and make sure you tell others how to get there, too. Jesus built the bridge between this earth with its heartbreak and the assurance of eternal life in heaven. What I've realized again these past couple of weeks is that none of us is immune to losing loved ones or guaranteed that we'll live a long healthy life, but we who know Jesus have hope in Him and comfort knowing without doubt that our loved ones who know Him are in Heaven.

To all of you who are hurting. . .

My heart goes out to you all who have suffered a loss. I do grieve with you, think of you, and pray for you even though I have not met you. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.

Some of you have been writing comments that are forwarded to my e-mail, but I have no way to respond unless I post my response on the blog for everyone to read. If you would be so kind as to include your e-mail in your comment, that would be helpful for me to be able to respond to you individually. Nona, I would love to hear how your doctor appointment went today.

Please hang on to your hope--as the song by Steven Curtis Chapman encouraged me, "we can grieve with hope; we can cry with hope." and of course my theme verse, "Against all hope, Abraham believed. . ." from Romans 4.

Surprise!

Announcing the surprise arrival of Anna Noelle Huitink

born Sunday, December 14 at 11:43pm

7 pounds, 4 ounces

19.5 inches

lots of dark hair with blond highlights :)

The picture of me pregnant was taken December 13, and then Sunday night I started bleeding again--so it was off to the hospital to have a baby! There was only one, but that is just fine with me :) She was huge for being 5 weeks early--I don't think I would have been able to make it much longer :)

We are thankful for our miracle, and amazingly, we brought her home Thursday afternoon, the same date that we lost Grace last year (December 18) and the day of the week that Grace was "born." Isn't God amazing? I couldn't have planned it any better myself.

As far as the name--we had always planned on naming our first daughter Anna after my grandmother (and because we like the name). Awhile back we wanted to make sure we really wanted to name her that, and when we looked up the meaning of the name it means "full of grace," "grace," "gracious." So, of course, knowing that God was restoring what was lost, it was pretty amazing that her name meant Grace, and we never questioned the name again. We chose Noelle, because she redeemed Christmas for us. As I explained before, 3 Christmases ago, Scott was about to leave for Iraq, then the next year we were apart, and then last year we had just lost Grace. Now, we have an amazing Christmas blessing (and I'll be recovered by then :)

We're doing well--she is so sweet. She cries when she's hungry or when her diaper needs to be changed or she wants to snuggle. I'm still sore from the C Section but getting a little better every day.

Well, it looks like this ends the story of my blog (until maybe I'm pregnant with twin boys :) . We have created a Facebook page, so let us know if you want to keep in touch that way :)

Blessings to you all! God is amazing, and He keeps His promises!

Excitement. . .

First off, I wanted to share the picture of me from a couple of weeks ago at my baby shower. My best friend from college, Lacey, is a tiny person so I dwarf her, but you can still see how big I've gotten--and that was at 32 weeks!

Well, this Wednesday morning I had heavy bleeding, and after I saw the doctor he admitted me to the labor and delivery unit for observation. Then I started having contractions pretty often, so it got kind of scary for awhile--I was a little overwhelmed by the thought that I might deliver that day, 6 weeks early, not being prepared at all! We had an ultrasound late in the afternoon that showed I have placenta previa, and an edge of the placenta had come up (which caused the bleeding). So, the doctor kept me in the hospital overnight, because if I started to bleed again, he was going to do a C-section. I went home yesterday, and now I'm on a modified bed rest. The plan from here is to schedule a C-section in 4 weeks, but if I start bleeding again, we'll go ahead with the C-section. So, 4 weeks or less now! I can find plenty of quiet things to do around the house, but it is hard to not walk a lot (I'll think of something to do, but it's in another part of the house). Thankfully Scott will be home again this weekend, and my mom will probably come stay some next week. I can't complain too much when the doctor tells me I'm not allowed to grocery shop any more!

After I was home last night, I think my emotions got ahold of me--just being overwhelmed with the previous day's events and then my brain was associating a lot of my experiences with last December's experiences--going to the hospital, long ultrasounds where I can't see what's going on (after we had known the other baby had died) and then coming home without a baby, still looking and feeling pregnant (even though this time I still am) all kind of made my psyche a little tricked. Thankfully this morning I could wake up and know I was still pregnant, whereas last year I was waking up and saying to myself the next morning "I'm not pregnant anymore," even though I looked like it. Our little girl is still moving around just as much, and any time I can make her wait will always be better. Thankfully I know that if she were to deliver now, she would be just fine, even though she would be a few weeks early. She's still showing large or ahead of schedule so that's good, too. Some of you may be wondering what this ultrasound showed--it was pretty thorough, and it only showed one baby (Scott and I both were wondering if God was going to reveal something). Of course at this point, I still believe God has the power to do anything He wants--we only have 4 weeks left to find out. Although as soon as I thought the reality was still only 1 baby, yesterday a Christian lady randomly told me another story about how a lady had dreamt that she would have triplets, and then when her delivery came, she ended up having triplets, while the whole pregnancy they thought she only had twins. (I hadn't told her any of my story). And of course, as I was looking up placenta previa last night, the first page I came to said that this condition is more common for women who are carrying multiple babies. It could very well be a coincidence, but I guess at this point I'm going to pack an extra outfit for a boy just in case it's necessary when I deliver :) I don't want to make a bigger deal about these things, but it's always ironic to me that as soon as I think "science" has proven only 1 baby, something else will come up. Just as God spoke so clearly to me before "don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence" I have to wonder if He was meaning more than just at the beginning of the pregnancy. Evidence showed then that the baby had died/there was no baby, but for several weeks we kept believing, and the doctor said it was a miracle when we saw her!

Interesting. . .

Scott gave me a gift certificate for a prenatal massage (so sweet of him and so needed!) A doula (kind of like a midwife-specializes in keeping you comfortable during labor and delivery) performed the massage, and at the very end she asked if I minded her rubbing my belly. I said "no," and as soon as she started, she said "are you sure there's only one baby in here?" I couldn't believe my ears. I briefly told her the story (knowing it sounded crazy as I was telling it). She kept feeling around and mentioned the 3 areas that I always wonder about (as far as where is the head, rear, etc.) and she couldn't understand how it would be just one. I explained to her that we had another ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, and it showed only one, but that maybe God wasn't ready to reveal it until delivery. So, I'll let you ponder that one. . .as of right now I have 4-6 weeks to go, but if it's twins, it will be more like 3 weeks. I guess I better pack a bag just in case :)

Excited about Christmas. . .

I just had to share these pictures from the 10 week mark so you can see what I mean by how big I am with my extra large baby! I must say that I'm very excited about Christmas this year--the last 3 have not been so good. The first one we knew that Scott was going to deploy to Iraq in a week or two, the second one we were apart and still didn't know if he would be safe, the third one (while I was so happy to have him home) we had just lost Grace so it kind of tainted things. This year, when Christmas comes, it means our baby girl is arriving just around the corner, so I'm very excited. I will always have a place in my heart for those who are separated on Christmas by a deployment or who have lost a spouse, so I never take that for granted. But, I am determined that for us, this will be the best Christmas in 4 years :) Please keep praying for everything to go well with the rest of the pregnancy and delivery :) 9 weeks or less now. . .

No twins. . .

just a really large baby girl! The ultrasound tech was able to confirm it was a girl, so that was good, and she is size-wise two weeks ahead, which is how he explained that I'm feeling movements in four different places all at once--she's getting pretty crowded in my belly--and she still moves constantly! I don't know if my doctor will change my due date--last time he didn't want to make it earlier, so it looks like she is just big! I'm planning to be ready by Christmas no matter what. . .So as of this coming Thursday it is only 8-10 more weeks. . .

thanks for your prayers! We are very excited!

Tuesday. . .

We've requested another ultrasound, which will take place Tuesday. Of course, I do welcome the opportunity to make sure everything is progressing normally (no surprises at delivery!). Call me crazy, but I still want one more chance to make sure there are not two babies in there. Often the kicks feel as if there are two in there (seriously, she/they are constantly kicking and punching). I was encouraged by a story of a lady in today's culture who didn't know she had twins until delivery--even with modern day ultrasounds! My faith is strong again that this is still possible, so pray with me that Tuesday God will reveal what's truly inside my belly :) Once again, I will not be disappointed with our little girl--But, as Beth Moore says "I want to believe God to the absolute limit of what He can do." I will let you know Tuesday how things go, but pray with me--God has given me renewed faith again to believe the unbelievable.

Third Trimester. . .

Well, it's the home stretch! This Saturday means only 12 weeks left! I included these belly pictures from this past weekend, because it's not often that I have a bruise-free belly. The truth is that I have to take shots every day, and most often they bruise me, so my belly has been in hiding. This week I only have a small bruise so I had to take this opportunity if you wanted to see my belly :) (sorry if you didn't want to see)

She is still kicking me constantly, so it's pretty funny, even though it makes it hard to stay comfortable at night, and I'm having constant rib pain, but honestly, I still can't complain. I've had a very easy pregnancy.

Although my belly is not big enough for twins (the doctor says I'm progressing "normally"), I'm still open to whatever God wants to do--I'm not counting out any miracles, especially since we were told this baby had died in the beginning. Sometimes I long to have that same faith; when the evidence showed there was no baby, I still believed with my whole heart that God had promised us this baby and was going to do something powerful--and He did!