8 ways to Cope When Grieving--straight from a friend

You all have heard me talk about my best friend from Germany, Nicole, whose husband was killed May 25, 2006 from an IED explosion in Iraq.  Those were tough times.  She had an amazing post yesterday that I wanted to share on ways to cope with grief--this is the real deal.  I've walked with her, and I can agree with them from my own personal experiences as well--she knows what she's talking about, and I thought she communicated it so well.  I hope it helps!

http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/2012/05/14/8-ways-to-cope-when-grieving/

She will continue to do a series on grief, so check back!
http://nicsrevelations.wordpress.com/

you don't want to miss this!

Mother's Day. . .then and now

I think back to Mother's Day 4 years ago, we had just announced to our church that I was pregnant again (when I knew many of them were sad for me knowing that I should have just delivered Grace).  I wasn't planning on announcing it that day, but someone came and asked me--"is there something you're not telling us" and we both started crying so then I knew I had to get up and let everyone know that they were tears of joy.  (My husband and I were leading worship that Sunday).  Little did we know that we would be faced with a faith journey to be told later that week on Thursday that I would miscarry that weekend.  Thankfully weeks later, our little Anna was discovered alive and well the ultrasound before the scheduled D&C.  You can't help but remember these moments.  Every Mother's Day the whole scenario plays out for me.  How I was heartbroken to be told that we would lose another baby, when the first was just a "one-time chance."  But how I felt that God had promised us this baby at that appointed time.  I decided to wait and Believe God for what He would do.

Here are the girls from yesterday. (Had trouble getting a good picture, but I wanted you to see them). Two amazing gifts I don't ever take for granted.  Somewhere in my mind in the quietness on Saturday night, I heard a little girl's voice saying "mommy, mommy."  It wasn't Anna or Elizabeth, so then I realized that it was a reminder that Grace is still alive in Heaven--she/God didn't want me to forget that she made me a mommy first--that her life was precious.  She lived in me for 5.5 months and went straight to Heaven.  I know this sounds freaky, but it's just a gentle reminder as I get busy caring for these girls on earth that she's up there basking in the glory of Heaven, made perfect.  For those of you who have lost babies and still do not have children here on earth, you are still a mommy to those precious little ones in Heaven.  And you will be a mommy to one on earth soon.

Connections. . .Little Rock, Germany, and Central Texas

Hello again, to my new Kelly's Korner friends.  This blog is not your typical blog (although I'm going to try to do better at posting pics of the girls :)  I did want to tell about myself in a nutshell.  We have lived in Central Texas for almost 4 years after moving here from Heidelberg, Germany.  My husband and I grew up in Little Rock then both ended up back there after college.  He went to UAMS for medical school (the Army paid for it), and then completed residency at Lackland Air Force Base (the pediatric program is combined with Army and Air Force there).  We got married while he was in residency so I spent our first 2 years of marriage in San Antonio.  The next 4 were spent in Heidelberg (which we miss so much!).  While we were there he was deployed to Iraq for 13 months--something I don't ever want to repeat.  We also lost our first baby at 22 weeks (which is why this blog started).  Now that we are in Texas, we have 2 girls--3.5 years old and one 19 months today.  I am part of a group that reaches out to women who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant loss, or infertility, and I am about to get our website up and running.  We have support groups and offer services for those of you who are in Central Texas (for any stage of loss or grief for your baby(s) and we also have social events to build our community.  Please send me a message if you'd like to know more and could either partner with us or if you would like support.  Our soon-to-be website is www.Cradled.org and should be running by the end of the week.  For those of you outside of Central Texas, we are here for you as a listening ear and to provide resources.  You can check my list, too.  Hope to meet you all soon!

May 4

(I started writing this May 4 but am just now able to finish) I was looking back at my old entries for a different reason, and I came upon the post where I wrote that I had a positive pregnancy test for Anna--May 4. It was neat to read that again and see what God had done. A little over 4 months since we had lost Grace, I was pregnant again. Those who are joining from the misdiagnosed miscarriage website--this is where that story starts. I went to my doctor's appointment at 6.5 weeks, and she said my hormone levels confirmed I was 6.5 weeks along but that I was showing 4.5 weeks. I would miscarry probably that weekend, because I should have been able to see the little tubes beating. (I remember seeing and hearing Grace's little heartbeat at this stage). I chose to miscarry "naturally" instead of a pill or D&C, because I just couldn't get over the fact that I felt God had promised this baby, and I didn't want to stand in the way of anything He might want to do. You'll have to read the rest of the story, but those next few weeks were very difficult believing, and every twinge I wondered if I was miscarrying, but the ultrasound before the D&C showed a perfectly formed baby with a beating heart--it was almost like she was screaming "I'm alive in here!" I remember struggling with "why would God give me this miracle and not someone else who has been waiting years for a baby and many miscarriages." My friend then told me that sometimes God uses certain stories to increase others' faith. Interestingly, that same friend just delivered her miracle baby in February after waiting 9+ years!  I just read a post from a mom I have mentioned whose 6 year old is battling cancer. He just received news that the tumor is gone. Around Easter I mentioned his story, because of the divine appointment of someone praying for healing in Clayton's ear. Well, it has happened, and his mother is going through the same thankfulness of what God has done but also the sorrow over others who are begging God for the same healing but don't receive it. God is capable. God is our healer. I don't know why some are healed and some are not. We are called to trust and ask Him. I can't explain the rest. When it does happen, it's amazing! http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html

April 25

Today is Grace's due date.  I honestly don't think about it as much as I do her "birthdate."  I remember that first year being pretty nervous about how I would feel and disappointed that I really wasn't delivering a baby, but we were in Holland at the time, and I appreciated that I would be missing out on the beauty of the tulips if I had just had a baby.  Probably what gets me more (still) is seeing other little girls born around April 25, 2008 and thinking about Anna having an older sister and what she really would have been like.  My brain can't wrap my head around that.  At the time I was sad and remembering and thinking what would have been, but I had such hope that I would be pregnant soon (if not already at that moment).  I remember feeling emotionally ready that weekend and telling my husband I would be ready to be pregnant again.  And if you go back and read 2008, you know the rest of the story :)  It turns out I was pregnant but wouldn't find out for another week or so.  Then Anna was born 5 weeks early on the day I think Grace died.  I write all this to give you all hope and courage.  The pain does lessen as the years go by.  Of course, you never forget; and you have a scar, but there is healing and peace in time.
That next pregnancy is hard--I always say I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I was so thrilled to be pregnant again, but then we were told I would miscarry Anna.  So it was a difficult first 3 weeks.  After we saw she was alive, days before the scheduled D&C, I still struggled with the reality that I could lose her.  Sometimes I would cry that I did not want to go to the doctor for my appointment, because I didn't want to have to go through finding out her heartbeat had stopped.  It was a long 35 weeks!  That fear is hard to battle in the next pregnancy, but when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, the fear was still there but not as strong.  Her pregnancy was drama-free, so it was almost strange for me :)  I never took for granted one day that I was pregnant with Grace; somehow I always knew how fragile pregnancy is, and since it was my first pregancy, I didn't know how my body would handle it.  But I relaxed after the first trimester, and it never entered my mind that she would die in utero.  I, like many people, was ignorant about genetic mutations and how they relate to miscarriage/stillbirth.  Now every time someone announces she is pregnant I am always thinking about it with caution.  You can't help it!  You know the possibilities.  But, most of the time, everything turns out fine.  I feel fortunate to have only endured one loss.  I know so many have been through multiple losses, and I cannot imagine that.  I am unbelievably thankful for our girls.  For those of you out there who are also going through infertility, know I don't ever take them for granted.  I pray an extra dose of grace for you as you sort through 2 griefs.  There is hope; somehow, someday, you will be a mommy!

http://www.rachellebelievinggod.blogspot.com/2008/08/pictures.html

The post from April 2008

"Held" by Natalie Grant

This song is for those of you who have lost a child (or any loved one).  Natalie Grant "Held."

video with lyrics:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw&feature=related

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

Hello to Kelly's Korner friends. . .

I want to welcome everyone from Kelly's Korner blog, although somehow those words don't sound right.  Maybe because the topic is "Moms who have lost children."  When I sit and think about all of you who have lost children--that you long to see their faces, talk to them, and hold them closely, it breaks my heart.  I cannot imagine that kind of pain.  I am so sorry.  All I can say is that in my relatively short life and the pain I have seen and felt, God is close to the brokenhearted.  Trust that even if you don't feel it right now.  I pray that you will feel His love so close in a very personal way.
I have lost a child in utero--and while I never knew her, I was her mommy for 22 weeks, and I never took her for granted.  In one of my previous posts I mention that I found comfort in her knowing my voice but not knowing this harsh world.  I can sympathize (not quite empathize) with all of the dreams that you had for your child/with your child and how those can end so abruptly and out of our control.  How in a second our whole lives change forever.  We see the world differently than most.  We think of Heaven differently than most.  Our souls have a depth that many cannot tap into--the strength and courage it takes to survive this kind of loss.  We would do anything to still have that beating heart.
So today, I don't live in fear, but I do understand how precious life is, and how quickly it can all change.  And for the 2 girls and husband I have today, I know very well that something could happen tomorrow, and I cherish each moment--soaking in each time I look them in the eyes and snuggle their faces.
May you always have a special memory/memories of your children that keeps them close to you in your hearts.  And may the rest of us keep talking about them to keep their memories alive.

Storms of Life

We as a family are at a peaceful point in our lives.  The girls are 18 months and 3 years old now (hard to believe!) so this is a really fun time.  I am relishing it, because I know the terrible twos are only a couple of months away.  But I am fully aware of all of the storms that rage around us right now in other families.  Families with miscarriages.  Families waiting to adopt. Families battling cancer in their children or their wife/mother of young children.  Families waiting for their son to awaken--he was in a car accident almost 2 weeks ago and had brain swelling. And so they wait, hope and cry, and try to find a way to live in their reality while the world goes 'round.
I wanted to highlight two websites of these families who are experiencing these storms.  I think no matter what you are going through, their stories of hope, grief, anger, and God sheltering them will encourage you.  I also am greatly aware that our time of peace could come to an end at a moment's notice, so I do not take it for granted!  Take a moment to read their stories.  In Tanner's Caringbridge post today, his father reflects on childbirth as compared to waiting for their 13-year-old son to come back to them.  I thought it was poignant for what this blog is about.  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tannerunderwood (journal entry from April 5 Moans and Groans).  And the story of Clayton, who is 6 battling cancer, and the amazing moment that happened for him and his mom--you don't want to miss it.  Their encounter is the reality of what Easter and the resurrection are all about--Jesus is alive, and his spirit (the Holy Spirit we were given after Jesus' death and resurrection) is among us in a very real and supernatural way at the same time. This stuff is real.  http://claytonwins.blogspot.com/2012/04/divine-appointments.html?spref=fb
Tomorrow is Good Friday.  Good Friday is good because Jesus loves you, He died for you and all of our sin to make a way for us to spend eternity with Him and have a relationship with Him here on earth.  It's hard to describe the vast, overwhelmingness of what He accomplished Good Friday.  But the story doesn't end with Friday.  3 days later He arose from the dead.   This really happened--if you want proof, leave me a comment or e-mail me and I can direct you there.  If you're not sure whether you believe any of this, pray to God and ask Him to show Himself to you.  This video might be how you're feeling, and like Clayton and his mom experienced, God knew his thoughts and fears and met him where he was. http://www.namb.net/namb1cbvideo.aspx?id=8589936129
"Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death" Matt Maher

Joy and Sorrow

I'm 35, but in my short life, I have observed many griefs--not my own, but from people close to me.  February is one of those months that stirs up remembrances.  When I was 13, my grandmother died on this day.  I remember it so vividly, and I still think of her often.  My cat awakened me at the exact time she died (although I did not know she had died until my father picked me up from school).  My mother was with her when she took her last breath and entered Heaven.  I remember watching my mother grieve that year, which prepared me to be sensitive to others going through grief.  In college, a friend from Little Rock who was also attending Baylor with me was killed in a car accident on February 5.  She was engaged, and it was tough seeing those dreams diminish and the grief that her family had to go through.  February 5 is special for the cousins whose birthday it is, but years later I think of Doug on this day--it's his birthday as well.  I think of his mom and Nicole on that day and how much they must miss him.  He was KIA in Iraq.  Nicole has recently released her book Nic's Revelations about everything she has learned about Heaven and God since Doug was killed.  https://www.createspace.com/3653957
February 27 is also the day that my aunt passed away and then my cat died in my mom's lap.  There's something special about this date--sorrow mixed with joy.  It's other people's birthdays, my brother-in-law for one.  I just received the news that our friends in Germany who supported us so much after we lost Grace had a baby boy just a little while ago. (he wasn't scheduled to be born until March 5).  Shannon asked me to pray for a miracle for her to have another baby (they have a 12-year-old daughter so they have waited a long time!), and I must admit, my prayers for her had dwindled.  The amazing thing about their story--God spoke to their daughter that Shannon was pregnant--and she laughed, just like Sarah in the Bible when God told Abraham that they would have a baby in their old age, even after Sarah's womb had been closed.  But, indeed, Shannon was pregnant, and their baby boy just made his appearance into the world.  Oh what joy!  He's here!  After so many years of waiting!  We rejoice with them.
Another story of sorrow and joy--one year ago, Addie was born on February 9.  She lived 6 days and passed away in her mother's arms on February 15.  Now Kristen is in labor to give birth to their baby boy a year later.  Oh what joy, again!
February 23 marks the date one year ago that another friend lost her mom.  And it marks the birthday of yet another friend who recently lost her mother.  And my dad's cousin who passed away a year ago--the list goes on of loved ones lost.  And I'm constantly reminded of others who have recently lost mothers.  I don't feel old but yet my heart breaks to have so many friends who have lost parents.  It does make me treasure each day I have left with mine--but also keenly aware of how short time can be.  I think about all of these things while hearing daily about others whose loved ones are fighting cancer, losing babies or other trials.  You all weigh heavily on my heart as I think about what each of you are going through--your grief journey or your fight against cancer.  These 2 births today did my heart good to be able to rejoice with these families on a day and in a month that reminds us of so much sadness.  I also thought they might encourage anyone who has recently lost a baby or who is waiting for a baby.  Your time will come whether through pregnancy or adoption!  These baby boys today give us hope and joy! 

Dixie: Wake-up call.

I am touched by a tragedy that happened in our city.  As I am writing this, a funeral service is beginning for a young lady named, Dixie.  A couple from our church started a ministry to strippers and help those who want to get out of the industry.  It's called, Jesus Said Love.  www.jesussaidlove.com   Emily has been mentoring Dixie for about 3 years, and last week, she decided she wanted to follow Jesus--meaning put her faith in Jesus, believe that he died for our sins, rose again on the third day, and that because He came to earth, He provided a way for us to spend eternal life in Heaven.  This also means that once you put your faith in Him, He restores you, changes you and you have a helper and friend in your time of need.  (read my blog for examples of this) That same day, her boyfriend decided to put his faith in Jesus and they got engaged.  Sunday, they were going to be baptized at our church, but instead, Dixie is in Heaven, due to a motorcycle accident that happened Thursday.  We know she is in Heaven, because it says in the Bible that "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." (Rom 3:23) and "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 6:23)  "Believe on the Lord, Jesus, Christ, and you will be saved."  (Acts 16:31) And the verse most people have heard "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life."  John 3:16
God worked in her life for 3 years through Emily, and because she chose to give her life to Him, we know where she is today.  What a tragedy that so many people don't want to think about these things, and they, too, are taken away in an accident.  I do believe there is a loving God, and I do believe that Jesus lived here on this earth to take away the sins of the world so that we could have relationship with Him, and I do believe that Heaven is real, and that Hell is real.  Please take a moment to think about these things--do you know what you believe and why?  If this happened to you, what do you think happens to your soul?  Feel free to ask me or others questions.  Don't wait until it is too late.

Shattered Dreams

I have been wanting to write about this for awhile, but I finally have some peace and quiet to sit down and write.  :)  Losing a job is like having a miscarriage.  It brings up some of the same feelings--the plans that you had for the future suddenly in a matter of just a few words change.  We accepted the job 3.5 years ago, planning that Scott would raise a generation of kids through his practice and he was committed to making this clinic the best in town.  We bought a house that we could stay in for 20 years and raise our family in.  Then he was told they would not renew his contract--simple as that (well not really).  He went from being told he was the face of the hospital a few months before to buh-bye.  The irony is that the person who threatened to quit if they didn't get rid of Scott was simultaneously asking to be hired across town.  So, it was difficult to feel that your loyalty and commitment to the system did not matter in this situation, and it was hard to watch your husband be painted a certain way when he had the patients, staff, and what was best for the clinic weighing heavily on his heart.  God has allowed some of the truth to come out in different ways, but it's hard to not want justice and the whole world to know what had happened the previous year. There are so many sides to the situation that made it very difficult, but in the moment you feel the feelings of shock and all of the dreams I had about raising our girls and more in our house began to shatter.  We didn't know if it would work out to stay in town or if we would have to move, but in a moment all of those plans disappeared. You wake up one morning dreaming about Christmas with the girls in this house to the next morning having no idea if you'll have to pack it all up (and I had thrown away every box, because we thought we would probably never move again).   The more I looked around the house and neighborhood and thought about all of the things I was looking forward to, the more sad I got about the prospect of leaving, and the more angry I got about the fact that deception and lies were at the root of us having to rip up our life and move.  I had just gotten to the point where I felt like our life was peaceful and there was nothing major we had to work through.  Although, I did get a sense that God kept speaking "don't get too comfortable"  I kept wondering if He was going to call us to a mission field or maybe just reminding us to keep it all in perspective, but I did want to enjoy the time we were having.  But, just like with pregnancy--one day you are dreaming about what it will be like to finally have him/her, and then the next morning you wake up to find out that the dream is gone.

It took 4 months for us to figure out what we were going to do--which I understand isn't very long in the job world, but it was amazing to me how many feelings resurrected in me from when we lost Grace.  Maybe the uncertainty (In the moment I didn't know when we would be able to have another baby) and certainly the shattered dreams part--we had so looked forward to having a baby alongside our church family in Germany, but of course, looking back, we don't really think about it anymore.  Scott struggled with many feelings of "does God really care about me?"  "Does He really care about what job I have?"  Of course, Yes!  Yes!  YES!  I know while I was grieving over losing Grace I felt God loving me, and I hoped that Scott would feel the same as he was grieving this situation.  Thankfully God provided a lot of encouragement from our community that they loved him, and other colleagues gave him their support.  This helped tremendously!  And I do believe that God picked him up out of a difficult situation and put him in a better place.  (It's hard to be convinced of that when you're in the middle of the situation, but I know he is grateful for his new colleagues and an environment that is much more positive!).  During this time, I started reading the book Shattered Dreams, by Larry Crabb, and I highly recommend it for many situations.

Long Time No See. . .

Well, It's been awhile since I've written, but I felt like I needed to start writing again. I'll catch up on the basics, and then tomorrow I can write what's been on my heart. Elizabeth Brooke was born October 6, 2010 (can't believe she will be 1 soon!) As you can tell with the lack of posts, I have been busy adjusting to 2 children. Wow--most of the time I feel like I can't think straight, because I'm tending to one or the other of the girls, so I feel like I say things I might ordinarily have a filter for :) So, sorry if I've offended anyone or said anything weird the past year or two (while I had pregnancy brain). Hopefully now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will think better. The first 2 months of Elizabeth's life, she screamed all night unless she was being held. This meant both grandmothers sharing shifts with me so that I could sleep in bed some hours and hold E in the morning hours while they slept in bed to be ready for caring for Anna. Then we moved through the terrible two's, learning how to deal with tantrums and screaming from a 2-year-old, and then on to potty training, and now that Anna is 3 months shy of turning 3, she is successfully potty trained and in the last couple of weeks has shown some maturity. Needless to say, my sweet child is back (most of the time :) Now that Anna is more manageable, Elizabeth has started the phase of tearing up the house and getting into things. sigh. I know this will all pass quickly, but these are tiring times :) Although, I am so excited to watch them grow together, and I constantly daydream about how the girls will play together in the future. We pray that they will be close friends.

God continues to bring women into my life who have suffered miscarriages, stillbirths, or early infant losses. I know He has given me a sensitive heart for all of you out there, because He loves you. Many women have already gotten pregnant again, so that is exciting! If any of you out there are reading this and have suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant loss, I would love to hear about something that really encouraged you during this time--either a verse someone shared, a song, a book, poem, picture, etc. that either someone said to you or you discovered on your own and it comforted you. I always like to know these things so I can pass them along to other women. Please leave it as a comment for all to read (but if you're not comfortable, feel free to e-mail).

Some of you who are new to my blog and read it from the beginning may think some things sound pretty crazy (about me believing that God was telling me we'd have twins) Obviously, we do not have twins yet--although I think God was faithful to "bless us double for our woes" by sending us 2 precious girls after Grace. I still have my heart open to the fact that God could still give us boy twins in the future, and I also understand that we can believe God for miracles that sometimes don't work out like we think He is saying. Others of you might be thinking "what in the world does she mean "God is saying." What kind of a person "hears God?" Well, it's simple. Everyday people like me, like YOU. Why else did God choose to announce Jesus' birth to the shepherds in the fields?

If you seriously want to know that God is there, just say a prayer aloud or in your head--"God, are you there?" and He will respond. It might be through picking up your Bible and reading it (and these days this could be on an iPhone :), or it might be a song or something a person says to you, but you will know that God hears you. And I pray that you feel His love for you. God is real, and He cares about the details of your life. I can tell you this from my experience along with many others who have been suffering around me and yet in the midst of their suffering, they can tell you without a doubt, they feel that God is real, and that He loves them based on how they sense Him so personally. Some of you might feel a little angry that you don't feel like God has been there for you. I promise you, that He loves you enough that He has burdened someone's heart for you--and this person hurts for you, whatever you are going through. (I know this from experience). Ask a Christian friend or ask me if you have questions about all of this--don't be shy!

Check back soon for more posts about what all has been spinning around in my head :) And don't forget to let me know of something that has encouraged you through miscarriage/infant loss, etc.

Drumroll. . .

Well, I am 20 weeks, and we are having another girl! It is hard to wrap my mind around for so many reasons, but we are excited. Everything looked normal on the ultrasound. . .kind of nice to already know that before 22 weeks. Thinking back to 2 years ago--I had just found out I was pregnant with Anna about this time and it was right around Grace's due date. So it's fun to think that two years later we are finding out we are having another little girl. God is truly blessing us double for what we lost. . .
In some ways it makes me more excited about the future with twin boys--Anna and this girl will be close and the boys will be close, if that is God's plan. I am at peace that whenever that time comes, God will speak, and I will know it is Him and what He's saying. I don't have to put pressure on myself to try to find what He's saying--it will be loud and clear!

New Journey

Well, today I am 10 weeks pregnant. This is my first announcement to the world. . .It has already been a journey from the day I had a positive pregnancy test. Basically, awhile back I felt that God was speaking that I would be pregnant around September 21. I had stopped breastfeeding Anna, and we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy, because we had learned that when God wants you to have a baby, you will have a baby! We were also kind of resting in the fact that I wouldn't be pregnant for a little while. I was starting to enjoy having a 1 year old that was a lot easier to take care of and beginning to focus on all of the things I had put off for a year! I awoke from a dream January 26, and the words "you are pregnant" were in my mind. I took a pregnancy test, and it was negative, but the next day I just couldn't shake those words. On January 28, I jumped out of bed and knew I had to take another test-- it was positive this time. I was in shock for awhile, especially not knowing if God had really meant that instead of getting pregnant September 21, I would deliver September 21, or was He telling me that date, because I might lose this baby and to give me hope, not to mention the huge question of "was this pregnancy the twins that had been promised?" As you can tell, my mind was racing! Thankfully I had begun a Bible study called One in a Million, by Priscilla Shirer, and I learned a lot about how many of the Israelites didn't enter into the Promised Land because they were fearful or too content where they were, even though this was God's promise to them! To think what they missed! This helped me overcome fear of being able to handle twins, if it was indeed twins, and gave me the courage to go ahead with this journey, even if it meant losing another baby. We just had our first appointment almost 2 weeks ago--by the time I got to the appointment, I was willing to believe that these were the twins, but I also felt that I hadn't heard clearly from God if it was to be this pregnancy. When we had Anna, I always assumed it would be our next full-term pregnancy, but now that I am pregnant I just didn't know what to believe. One of the lessons before my appointment ended with the statement "live your life as if God has already performed a miracle," so I rested in that. Either way, He had performed a miracle with Anna, and I was going to believe that this time the twins were possible. We only saw one baby on the blurry ultrasound, so now I still wrestle with believing that I heard God 2 years ago--do I keep believing for this pregnancy or keep waiting for my "Promised Land" just as the Israelites wandered in the desert as God molded their character?
This "uneventful" pregnancy (so far) has been strange for me after all of the drama that happened with Anna (being told I would miscarry), but I am still holding up a guard until 14 weeks. Of course with each appointment I will still be nervous, but having Anna makes it seem a lot easier to bear heartache again, if that is in our journey. I do long for that day when I can announce to the world "it's twins!" although I know I will have to depend on God's grace to care for them along with Anna! I still believe it's possible with this pregnancy, but the timing is up to God! My next appointment is a week from today, so we will see what's in store.

God is Faithful

I just had a quick update that I have to share--

In my previous post I mention two young ladies who lost babies soon after they were born, and I recommended their blogs. You will be encouraged by their faith! God has blessed them both with pregnancies! Katie is due a month before her little Reese was due, and Rebecca is pregnant with twin girls (naturally!). This is such fantastic, encouraging news that I had to share it for anyone who is hurting and hoping. Time comes to God, and His plan unfolds exactly where it should.

Even though Anna turned 1 last month, there is not a day that I do not still reflect on what God did for us by giving us such an incredible gift! I'm still in awe that we have her!

Recommendations. . .

I wanted to recommend 2 blogs of young ladies who have lost babies just days after they were born. You will find both of them very encouraging and heart wrenching at the same time. I wanted to let you know about them--they are worth reading.

Rebecca is a little over a year down the road. . .and suffered another loss a few months ago. She also has a book published about her experience that will minister to anyone, whether you've experienced this type of loss or not. www.rebeccacooks.blogspot.com
Katie lost her baby a couple of weeks ago, and her faith is so encouraging. www.therowefam.blogspot.com

If you know anyone going through this type of loss, I encourage you to refer them to these blogs and Rebecca's book, A Symphony in the Dark, for sale at www.familylife.com

Thoughts. . .

I wanted to update my blog with the excitement of another story of someone who thought it would be nearly impossible to get pregnant but she was believing God for a baby. My sister-in-law recently found out she was pregnant, and we are rejoicing with her! This is another miracle of life she has waited for the last several years. But, as I write this, my heart is heavy. In my post from December 5, I have a picture with my best friend from college, Lacey. Sadly, a couple of weeks ago, she lost her mom unexpectedly to an illness, and I know the family was hoping and believing for a miracle--and I doubt with no less faith than I had for my miracle baby. Last night I found out about the death of one of my sorority sisters--she died at age 30 from breast cancer they found after she delivered her 3rd child in October. I just read some of the blog her father has been writing, and it grieved me to read some of the same pleas for prayer and a miracle that we had received for Lacey's mom. In both cases, God chose to take these wonderful women to be in heaven with Him. I don't know why God gave me a miracle and chose not to work in these other miracles, and it's especially hard when you see how heartbroken your friends are knowing that God has the power to heal but it wasn't in His plan (although they trust His will and know He is still working powerfully through this). But then I stopped to think about how many miracles happen around us every day--although these losses are so painful, and we can't understand why our faith didn't bring healing, I was comforted to think that God still does miracles around us every day, and He honors us for our faith. Just like in the Old Testament--many had faith but never saw the Promised Land.
I look at my new baby (2 months old now) and I think how happy she is to be alive but it breaks my heart to know that bringing her into this world means that she, too, will probably endure heartbreak somehow in this life. But then I realized that what matters is our relationship with Jesus while we're here on earth. Yes, this life on earth can be painful (and it does have its joys and blessings), but we have been given the opportunity to know Jesus in spite of living here on earth. Ironically, that's what gets us through this heartache--and when we get to heaven as these women and others have gone before us, how much closer we draw to Him during this heartbreak will make it all worth it. Live expectantly for Heaven, and make sure you tell others how to get there, too. Jesus built the bridge between this earth with its heartbreak and the assurance of eternal life in heaven. What I've realized again these past couple of weeks is that none of us is immune to losing loved ones or guaranteed that we'll live a long healthy life, but we who know Jesus have hope in Him and comfort knowing without doubt that our loved ones who know Him are in Heaven.

To all of you who are hurting. . .

My heart goes out to you all who have suffered a loss. I do grieve with you, think of you, and pray for you even though I have not met you. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.

Some of you have been writing comments that are forwarded to my e-mail, but I have no way to respond unless I post my response on the blog for everyone to read. If you would be so kind as to include your e-mail in your comment, that would be helpful for me to be able to respond to you individually. Nona, I would love to hear how your doctor appointment went today.

Please hang on to your hope--as the song by Steven Curtis Chapman encouraged me, "we can grieve with hope; we can cry with hope." and of course my theme verse, "Against all hope, Abraham believed. . ." from Romans 4.

Surprise!

Announcing the surprise arrival of Anna Noelle Huitink

born Sunday, December 14 at 11:43pm

7 pounds, 4 ounces

19.5 inches

lots of dark hair with blond highlights :)

The picture of me pregnant was taken December 13, and then Sunday night I started bleeding again--so it was off to the hospital to have a baby! There was only one, but that is just fine with me :) She was huge for being 5 weeks early--I don't think I would have been able to make it much longer :)

We are thankful for our miracle, and amazingly, we brought her home Thursday afternoon, the same date that we lost Grace last year (December 18) and the day of the week that Grace was "born." Isn't God amazing? I couldn't have planned it any better myself.

As far as the name--we had always planned on naming our first daughter Anna after my grandmother (and because we like the name). Awhile back we wanted to make sure we really wanted to name her that, and when we looked up the meaning of the name it means "full of grace," "grace," "gracious." So, of course, knowing that God was restoring what was lost, it was pretty amazing that her name meant Grace, and we never questioned the name again. We chose Noelle, because she redeemed Christmas for us. As I explained before, 3 Christmases ago, Scott was about to leave for Iraq, then the next year we were apart, and then last year we had just lost Grace. Now, we have an amazing Christmas blessing (and I'll be recovered by then :)

We're doing well--she is so sweet. She cries when she's hungry or when her diaper needs to be changed or she wants to snuggle. I'm still sore from the C Section but getting a little better every day.

Well, it looks like this ends the story of my blog (until maybe I'm pregnant with twin boys :) . We have created a Facebook page, so let us know if you want to keep in touch that way :)

Blessings to you all! God is amazing, and He keeps His promises!

Excitement. . .

First off, I wanted to share the picture of me from a couple of weeks ago at my baby shower. My best friend from college, Lacey, is a tiny person so I dwarf her, but you can still see how big I've gotten--and that was at 32 weeks!

Well, this Wednesday morning I had heavy bleeding, and after I saw the doctor he admitted me to the labor and delivery unit for observation. Then I started having contractions pretty often, so it got kind of scary for awhile--I was a little overwhelmed by the thought that I might deliver that day, 6 weeks early, not being prepared at all! We had an ultrasound late in the afternoon that showed I have placenta previa, and an edge of the placenta had come up (which caused the bleeding). So, the doctor kept me in the hospital overnight, because if I started to bleed again, he was going to do a C-section. I went home yesterday, and now I'm on a modified bed rest. The plan from here is to schedule a C-section in 4 weeks, but if I start bleeding again, we'll go ahead with the C-section. So, 4 weeks or less now! I can find plenty of quiet things to do around the house, but it is hard to not walk a lot (I'll think of something to do, but it's in another part of the house). Thankfully Scott will be home again this weekend, and my mom will probably come stay some next week. I can't complain too much when the doctor tells me I'm not allowed to grocery shop any more!

After I was home last night, I think my emotions got ahold of me--just being overwhelmed with the previous day's events and then my brain was associating a lot of my experiences with last December's experiences--going to the hospital, long ultrasounds where I can't see what's going on (after we had known the other baby had died) and then coming home without a baby, still looking and feeling pregnant (even though this time I still am) all kind of made my psyche a little tricked. Thankfully this morning I could wake up and know I was still pregnant, whereas last year I was waking up and saying to myself the next morning "I'm not pregnant anymore," even though I looked like it. Our little girl is still moving around just as much, and any time I can make her wait will always be better. Thankfully I know that if she were to deliver now, she would be just fine, even though she would be a few weeks early. She's still showing large or ahead of schedule so that's good, too. Some of you may be wondering what this ultrasound showed--it was pretty thorough, and it only showed one baby (Scott and I both were wondering if God was going to reveal something). Of course at this point, I still believe God has the power to do anything He wants--we only have 4 weeks left to find out. Although as soon as I thought the reality was still only 1 baby, yesterday a Christian lady randomly told me another story about how a lady had dreamt that she would have triplets, and then when her delivery came, she ended up having triplets, while the whole pregnancy they thought she only had twins. (I hadn't told her any of my story). And of course, as I was looking up placenta previa last night, the first page I came to said that this condition is more common for women who are carrying multiple babies. It could very well be a coincidence, but I guess at this point I'm going to pack an extra outfit for a boy just in case it's necessary when I deliver :) I don't want to make a bigger deal about these things, but it's always ironic to me that as soon as I think "science" has proven only 1 baby, something else will come up. Just as God spoke so clearly to me before "don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence" I have to wonder if He was meaning more than just at the beginning of the pregnancy. Evidence showed then that the baby had died/there was no baby, but for several weeks we kept believing, and the doctor said it was a miracle when we saw her!

Interesting. . .

Scott gave me a gift certificate for a prenatal massage (so sweet of him and so needed!) A doula (kind of like a midwife-specializes in keeping you comfortable during labor and delivery) performed the massage, and at the very end she asked if I minded her rubbing my belly. I said "no," and as soon as she started, she said "are you sure there's only one baby in here?" I couldn't believe my ears. I briefly told her the story (knowing it sounded crazy as I was telling it). She kept feeling around and mentioned the 3 areas that I always wonder about (as far as where is the head, rear, etc.) and she couldn't understand how it would be just one. I explained to her that we had another ultrasound a couple of weeks ago, and it showed only one, but that maybe God wasn't ready to reveal it until delivery. So, I'll let you ponder that one. . .as of right now I have 4-6 weeks to go, but if it's twins, it will be more like 3 weeks. I guess I better pack a bag just in case :)

Excited about Christmas. . .

I just had to share these pictures from the 10 week mark so you can see what I mean by how big I am with my extra large baby! I must say that I'm very excited about Christmas this year--the last 3 have not been so good. The first one we knew that Scott was going to deploy to Iraq in a week or two, the second one we were apart and still didn't know if he would be safe, the third one (while I was so happy to have him home) we had just lost Grace so it kind of tainted things. This year, when Christmas comes, it means our baby girl is arriving just around the corner, so I'm very excited. I will always have a place in my heart for those who are separated on Christmas by a deployment or who have lost a spouse, so I never take that for granted. But, I am determined that for us, this will be the best Christmas in 4 years :) Please keep praying for everything to go well with the rest of the pregnancy and delivery :) 9 weeks or less now. . .

No twins. . .

just a really large baby girl! The ultrasound tech was able to confirm it was a girl, so that was good, and she is size-wise two weeks ahead, which is how he explained that I'm feeling movements in four different places all at once--she's getting pretty crowded in my belly--and she still moves constantly! I don't know if my doctor will change my due date--last time he didn't want to make it earlier, so it looks like she is just big! I'm planning to be ready by Christmas no matter what. . .So as of this coming Thursday it is only 8-10 more weeks. . .

thanks for your prayers! We are very excited!

Tuesday. . .

We've requested another ultrasound, which will take place Tuesday. Of course, I do welcome the opportunity to make sure everything is progressing normally (no surprises at delivery!). Call me crazy, but I still want one more chance to make sure there are not two babies in there. Often the kicks feel as if there are two in there (seriously, she/they are constantly kicking and punching). I was encouraged by a story of a lady in today's culture who didn't know she had twins until delivery--even with modern day ultrasounds! My faith is strong again that this is still possible, so pray with me that Tuesday God will reveal what's truly inside my belly :) Once again, I will not be disappointed with our little girl--But, as Beth Moore says "I want to believe God to the absolute limit of what He can do." I will let you know Tuesday how things go, but pray with me--God has given me renewed faith again to believe the unbelievable.

Third Trimester. . .

Well, it's the home stretch! This Saturday means only 12 weeks left! I included these belly pictures from this past weekend, because it's not often that I have a bruise-free belly. The truth is that I have to take shots every day, and most often they bruise me, so my belly has been in hiding. This week I only have a small bruise so I had to take this opportunity if you wanted to see my belly :) (sorry if you didn't want to see)

She is still kicking me constantly, so it's pretty funny, even though it makes it hard to stay comfortable at night, and I'm having constant rib pain, but honestly, I still can't complain. I've had a very easy pregnancy.

Although my belly is not big enough for twins (the doctor says I'm progressing "normally"), I'm still open to whatever God wants to do--I'm not counting out any miracles, especially since we were told this baby had died in the beginning. Sometimes I long to have that same faith; when the evidence showed there was no baby, I still believed with my whole heart that God had promised us this baby and was going to do something powerful--and He did!

Mustard Seed. . .

Well, at this point we are so excited about our little girl--I do look forward to when I can finally hold her! I have not heard God speak anything directly about this pregnancy ever since we had the ultrasound a few weeks ago, but I am resting with an open heart to whatever He has in store. I do know with Him anything is possible, so I have a mustard seed of faith that we could still end up with twins January 15 (boy and girl :) ), but I am open to whatever God's plan is right now. The good news is that God honors even mustard seeds of faith--and regardless, I trust whatever He has planned. I don't feel like I have to figure it all out, but if He is planning on a miracle like that still, I would like to be exercising active faith! I still am in awe and amazement that we even will be having a little girl soon after Christmas this year--the time of year we lost Grace. I am so thankful for this gift of life and the privilege to be pregnant.

22 weeks and counting. . .

These pics were taken Sunday, when I hit the end of week 22. Yesterday marked 4 months until our due date so it feels like time is going to fly by now. From now on, this part of the pregnancy is uncharted territory for me :) She still is constantly kicking me, so it is always reassuring that things are still okay.

Well, that's all for now--people have been asking for pics of my belly, so here they are. Yes, it's still like summer here--I miss fall in Germany!

Time of Rest. . .

Right now it seems like I'm at a time of rest--just enjoying the present. I know God will speak to me in time, and right now I don't have to try to figure it all out. Of course, I'm always looking to hear from Him, but I do trust that at the right time things will become clearer. :)

FYI: If you or someone you know has gone through a pregnancy loss, check out my list of favorite books in "view my complete profile" and pass them along. . .

What next?

In every season, I have a reason to worship. Right now I'm going through a strange season--certainly not a bad one but maybe a confusing one--I am excited about our girl, and I can feel her kicking all of the time. I am so privileged to be pregnant. What I'm still sorting out is whether or not it is foolish for me not to believe we will still have twins or whether it is foolish to believe it will still happen. At our ultrasound, there was only one baby in my belly. My first reaction with it being a girl, was thinking "okay--that promise of twins must definitely be for another pregnancy." Of course, my whole faith lesson on this journey has been "don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence" which gave me the hope to hold on during the ultrasound in which our doctor told me I was going to miscarry. I am so thankful that this baby is healthy--no heart problems, no developmental problems at all--this is truly wonderful. I suppose what I'm struggling with is that half of the promise came true when I believed in faith--getting pregnant in April, etc., but the other half doesn't look like it for this pregnancy, when it took me awhile to get to the point of believing it was definitely this pregnancy and not another one. I also feel like I somehow misled Scott, because by the time we reached last Tuesday, he was believing with no doubt that we would see twins--which is amazing for him. So, do I keep believing and wonder what God is up to and how He'll show more of His glory? or do I just say that this is what He always planned for now and He's already shown His glory. Is this another time to believe without evidence or should I put it to rest?

I do know this for sure--God is intentional in His timing. As much as I believed and expected to see the twins, this is what He wanted me to see at this ultrasound appointment. I know that either way He is honored by my faith (although I don't understand that part if I felt like He was drawing me there), and I know that sometimes miracles do not happen that we have prayed and believed for. However, this is one miracle that I thought He was showing me He wanted to do. Is this another further test of faith to hold on even stronger when it seems impossible? I believe with every ounce of me that He can put another baby in there (He can do whatever He wants), but is that what He's calling me to believe now? In my quiet times the last week or so, I haven't heard anything either way. Is this because I have not stepped out in faith to keep believing? You can pray with me that if I'm to keep believing for this pregnancy I will (and I suppose they'd be boy and girl twins? :) If I am to accept things as they are and believe God gave me that faith for another reason, that I will put all this to rest and hope in the next pregnancy.
The bottom line: this is His faith story, not my story, and I am willing to do whatever will bring Him glory (and He knows that better than I do).

Funny Thing. . .

It's a girl! Of course I was a little surprised, but we are not disappointed. We could only see one baby, and the ultrasound technician thought it was a girl.

I still believe that God fulfilled His promise by me getting pregnant in April, and He promised to "restore what was lost." We lost a girl, and now He's given us another one. I still have hope and faith that someday we will have boy twins. . .And all the lessons I learned about God's character and faith haven't changed :)

The good news is that everything was healthy and normal--that's the important thing, so we are very happy and relieved. Our due date is still January 15. . .

I will keep you updated. . .
Rachelle

September 1, 2008 Tomorrow's a Big Day

If you haven't been reading the blog at all this far, you have to go back and read it all--unfortunately to go in order, you have to start at the bottom. I encourage you to take the time--not because I'm such a great writer, but because I believe this is God's story that He wants you to hear.

I am 20 weeks pregnant now. I have been feeling the baby/babies kicking all the time for the past week or so; this gives me great comfort that I do not have to dread the ultrasound tomorrow. This will be the same ultrasound in which we found out Grace had died. Thankfully we're at a different time and place. I am not worried about what we'll find out tomorrow--I'm actually very excited. This day couldn't come soon enough. I am hoping by this point the twins will be obvious, and it will become a reality that I can share with you. I have no reason to doubt that the twins are in my belly based on everything that God has been speaking, but there is always that chance that He will not reveal it tomorrow.

So by now you can see why I entitled this blog "Against All Hope"--my theme verse for this pregnancy has been Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."

I hope you have taken to heart the truths that God has so impressed upon me in this journey--

• God has a deep love for those who are hurting
• Faith requires obedience
• Don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence (sometimes evidence is wrong!)
• God fulfills His promises
• God speaks to You if you ask Him to and listen for His answer through prayer, worship, and your Bible

And from Beth Moore Believing God study:

1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. I can do all things through Christ
5. God's Word is alive and active in me.

Amen! I have definitely felt God's Word being alive in me since December 18. In a One Year Bible that was published years ago--the scriptures you've been reading have not been things I've searched for but they are the readings for that day--and they specifically address the need I have for that day. No other religion has the Holy Spirit to minister to you like that so personally. Only a relationship with Jesus can bring you everything I have written about.

I look forward to updating you tomorrow now that you are all caught up! Of course, I will not be disappointed if there is truly only 1 baby in my belly. But at this point, I have no reason to doubt we will have boy twins.

July 19, 2008

From my journal. . .

"It's hard sometimes, because sometimes you are exactly what you don't want to be. I wanted to have unwavering faith and not be like the Israelites who only believed after they had crossed the Jordan. Yesterday I was feeling really upset--I was at the point where I did not want to go to the doctor. [It had been 4 weeks (I was at week 14) since the last ultrasound, and my body had been feeling similar to how it felt the day we found out Grace had died. Since I didn't really feel very pregnant (not many pregnancy symptoms) I was dreading if we would find out bad news. It's possible the baby could have died after the 10 week ultrasound and I wouldn't know it until this appointment. I was not feeling strong, so I was wishing that if I were going to miscarry it would just happen on its own rather than going to the doctor and being told again it had died. I didn't expect bad news; I just didn't know how I would handle bad news (or how this doctor would handle it). I was having a love-hate relationship with being pregnant that day. It is such a happy time, but it can also be full of deep emotional ups and downs for many women.] I knew I didn't have any reason to believe our baby/babies had died but I also knew that I had a willing heart if that was God's plan (to be glorified). I just was overcome with dread in case somehow this pregnancy wasn't the promise--that it was still to come.
I pulled out my One-Year-Bible hoping that July 18th reading would be exactly what I needed to read (as so often it is) and put on my "Faith Songs" CD I had made for myself. I felt sorry for Scott as I was having this melt-down, and he was secretly praying for me that God would speak to me specifically for this situation as I read (and all the while hoping it would be a positive message).
I was amazed and overcome as I read Romans 4:13-5:5. It was all about how as Christians we're Abraham's seed and are "heirs" to the promise of Jesus by faith (emphasizing to me how important faith and no doubt is). Then I got to a verse that just amazed me and leaped off the page.
Romans 4:17 "This happened because Abraham believed in the God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before." This was an amazing verse because of how God essentially brought the blighted ovum back to life, and that He might bring into existence the twin we had seen no evidence of. I was sobbing after I read this, because the same God who did this verse back in Abraham's day could do the same thing by substituting my name. Then I knew I had nothing to worry about and my faith was increased again. I believed at that point we would see the twins at the appointment. Then I kept reading and the next part were the verses I claimed and read over and over when they told me I would miscarry--same verses in a different translation than what I quoted earlier.
Romans 4:19-21 "And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father. . .and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to have children. Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised."
I did not search for these verses, but they were the actual readings published for July 18--God's Word is alive!
I was completely touched and ministered to. I'm kind of thankful for my weakness that morning so that God revealed more of Himself. I have no reason to doubt that we are going to have twins this pregnancy. Lord keep my faith strong with no doubt. It was really neat at the appointment, because Scott and I both thought we heard 2 heartbeats when he went from one side of my stomach to the other side--they were off-beat from one another. The doctor didn't do an ultrasound but listened with the heart monitor, and he even said--'this guy's moving around' since he heard strong beats on both sides of my belly. It was enough for me to believe that God was giving us another confirmation of His promise and there was still hope for 2 babies."

July 7, 2008

From my journal. . .

"My belly seems to be getting bigger than it did with the other pregnancy. I am exited about the appointment July 18, but I also know we might not know until 20 weeks if there are twins. Sometimes I actually get really sad about Grace with this pregnancy--even though they're completely different--and different maternity clothes with different seasons. Maybe it's because I've relived some of the same good feelings I did as with the pregnancy for her--shopping for clothes, etc. going to doctor's appointments--and it heightens my awareness that this all is not new to me (kind of like if you were engaged a second time). I don't know what it is. I'm so happy to be pregnant and so thankful God gave us this pregnancy so quickly, but sometimes my defense mechanisms don't let me get too excited just in case something has gone wrong. I chose to not see the doctor more often than normal, but when you are in the early stages of pregnancy, 4 weeks does seem a long time, especially since I don't really feel all that pregnant. I think after next Friday I will be much more excited, since it will be the end of the first trimester. Generally once you make it through the first trimester, you don't lose the baby (even though we were one of those rare cases with Grace). I don't want to lose faith."

June 10, 2008

We flew back to the States this day to move back from Germany. We will miss our time in Germany, but we are looking forward to the life ahead of us. We had another doctor appointment the day before, but there was still no evidence of twins. I still had hope, because twins are often discovered later--especially if they are mono zygotic (identical), because they often have an identical heartbeat and one hides behind the other. Ours would have to be identical, because there is only one gestational sac, and we don't have the genetic history for fraternal twins.

From my journal. . .

"So the big question that's been on my mind right now is whether or not the twins were promised for this pregnancy. If I look at everything God has spoken, then it is this pregnancy (unless we are going to lose this baby and He's giving me hope for the future). From what He's taught me about faith, He wants us to believe even when the evidence is not there (that's what faith is right?). Right now it's pretty obvious there is only one baby, but Abraham believed even in spite of everything that God had the power to do what He said He would do. So maybe God's not finished--we'll see what God wants to do."

May 30, 2008 Exciting News. . .

From my journal. . .

"Lord, I don't know how to thank You. Today, just like in the story of Lazarus, God allowed him to die so that Jesus could reveal His glory. I was so nervous today but at the same time had a lot of peace. Right before the exam she said she had completed the paperwork for the D&C but we'd do the ultrasound first. She flippantly said 'miracles do happen.' (and I was thinking--'oh Lord, let it be this time'). Then she started the ultrasound and at first it looked empty--she then turned the screen to me and said 'I don't know if you want to see'--of course I was very excited to see--then she continued the ultrasound and said 'my God' and turned the sound on so we could hear the heartbeat. Scott said 'there's a baby in there.' She said everything looked perfect--the baby, the yolk sac (which is only perfectly round in a healthy pregnancy). As she was getting the measurements I told her of God's promise that I would be pregnant in April and that people all over the world had been praying for this baby. (the best I could explain it). She said she couldn't medically explain it any other way but that it was a miracle. She also said that with the hormone levels the only other explanation would be twins (but we could only see one baby and no evidence of twins). Scott and I were looking for two and afterwards we both said that we thought we'd seen 2 heartbeats simultaneously. I'm so humbled by the whole thing. Why me? Is it just because I asked God to speak to me and I believed? The people in the Bible have taught me so much.
It was a beautiful sight on that screen--it was a perfect looking baby--not just a fuzzy blob--with its heart beating strong in its chest as if to say "I'm alive and I'm in here!" [To think we were just days away from taking its life (or if I had taken the pill at the beginning) makes me encourage any woman with this diagnosis to wait it out until you start actually bleeding (unless you are at a risk for an infection). Even though it is emotionally draining--wait it out.]
I praise Him for so many reasons. Lord, that was an awesome sight today.
I felt like it came to me the other day that I had come full circle-just like the Israelites when they finally went into the Promised Land.
God is faithful."

May 29, 2008

From my journal. . .

"Today everything in our house was packed and loaded ready to get on the boat. The Lord was gracious and helped me so much. I am still feeling pregnant and tomorrow we have an appointment at 10:30. Although I know that your body can still act pregnant even if you are going to miscarry, we are praying that there will be no doubt in the doctor's mind that everything is okay and there are twins. Obviously, if there is nothing there we will still have to believe until I actually do miscarry, but for the sake of everyone here it would be wonderful to have it confirmed tomorrow. Lord I know it will all happen in your timing. We are nervous, but in a good way--hoping that science will reveal the truth and prove God's faithfulness to show the world He keeps His promises. I am very excited--I just can't wait, and people all over the world are praying. I'm just praying it will be easy for her to see, because she doesn't have much time."

"Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." Matt. 10:31

May 21, 2008

"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36

From my journal. . .

"Lord, I'm so sorry I've been so focused on me, but I do know this is the faith journey You have me/us on. There are so many things going on in my head right now--I have no idea how we'll get ready for this move--by God's grace. There is a field of red poppies right by our house--every time I drive by them, it's almost as if God is saying "don't forget this time" since the symbolism of the flower is "never forget." I was looking at our Italian painting with the red poppies that will be in our new house--I will never forget driving by these every day--it will always remind me of this journey. It's been a faith journey since December 18. I am so humbled and brought to tears at how huge this whole thing is--God spoke that to me when Grace died--that this was something for the greater good--but I was thinking church and a few friends. Now with this miracle, it will touch believers in China, Beruit, New Hampshire, here, and around America. Oh Lord, let it be twins. And help us to communicate it with the rest of the world the way You want us to. Help me to believe and not doubt.
God You are amazing--that I can be going through something like this but actually be okay. You really do shelter us--I am sheltered by the Most High. Last night you brought me comfort in the story of Lazarus in John 11:1-54. "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No it is for the glory of God. I, the Son of God will received glory from this. Lazarus is dead. And for your sake I am glad I wasn't there, because this will give you another opportunity to believe in me."
God is doing a mighty work of faith in many people--now I don't know when He'll reveal Himself.
Before I even found out I was pregnant, I sensed that I had a story to tell--but I didn't know it really wasn't finished."

May 20, 2008

From my journal. . .

"Lord I am so overwhelmed today--there is so much to do and I am getting so tired from the pregnancy. I need your help and grace to get everything done. Lord, I'm sorry my prayers have been so focused on me and my situation. Lord, I want a miracle so badly, but I guess I'm not sure if we'll see it by May 30. This morning I was encouraged by a woman on the misdiagnosed miscarriage website who had lower hormone levels and gave birth to a healthy girl. She also said that a tilted uterus often shows an earlier pregnancy.
I'm believing God!
I do hope that May 30 we will see twins.
Yesterday in one of my Bible studies we looked up some verses, and one was about God remembering Rachel and her giving birth to a son. My name is the same Hebrew for Rachel, so I was wondering. . .
God is a God of order and perfection--so many things have lined up so far.

May 19, 2008

I had made it through the weekend with no miscarriage--it was definitely hard to battle every twinge of pain with resolve to believe and keeping the faith until Monday. At this point I also knew that it could take 2 more weeks before my body recognizes the baby hasn't been growing before it decides to miscarry. But, I was holding on. We decided to set my next appointment for May 30. If I had not miscarried by then, my doctor was going to schedule me for a D&C the following Monday so I could recover before we moved back to the States June 10.

From my journal. . .

"The news wasn't exactly what we were hoping for--my hormone levels are rising but not at the rate they're supposed to. I was 13,000 on Thursday and 33,000 today when it should have been in the 50,000s. She said it was showing that I had an abnormal pregnancy and would probably still miscarry. It was hard to keep the faith for a little while, but I discovered a website that was very encouraging--called the Misdiagnosed Miscarriage (www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com). [There are stories of people who were also diagnosed with blighted ovums or told they were going to miscarry who gave birth to healthy babies. Some of them do end up miscarrying, but I only needed to hear 1 story to have hope.]
I hope that God does something very clear so that by the time May 30 comes around, there is no doubt that things are fine. [I didn't want there to be a baby there that she thought looked deformed or unable to survive]. Otherwise, I don't know how I'll convince her I still want to wait things out (she was worried about me miscarrying on the long flight back). I don't want to give up yet, but I also realize the longer it drags out, the harder it will be physically and emotionally."
Ps. 116:1-19

May 18, 2008

From my journal. . .

"God you have been with me ever since we got the news. Your hand has been working on so many people's hearts. I do feel like when I asked God to speak to me Thursday He said He had already spoken, which led me to believe that He was going to keep His promise of our babies in April and they would not die. People's faith is increasing as they pray for a miracle, so I know He who is able will do something beyond our comprehension or imagination. This morning I awoke with diarrhea so I didn't want to go to church. I read my faith verses and Romans 4 and started getting ready for church. Thankfully I was fine once I was there. Scott asked if we should stop by the office, and a good friend of ours got up the courage to tell us that his heart had been so burdened for us and that years ago he found out his spiritual gift was healing (through a spiritual gifts class/questionnaire). He felt like God was leading him to try out his gift, because he never had, and if it was okay with us he wanted to pray over me. I was so touched and encouraged and after that I told him God was going to honor him stepping out in boldness, because it was not easy for him. After I came home, I knew it was not possible to have any more doubt--God was going to heal our babies if he had led this man to step out in faith with his gift.
Having twins at this stage is an even bigger miracle than I ever imagined. Before this I was expecting twins, but now when we really find out, it is going to be huge! Lord, I just thank you for how You're increasing the faith of all of these people."

May 17, 2008

From my journal. . .

"Your Word says that if we ask in Your name and believe it has been completed, it will be done. Lord we continue to pray that Your work and Your glory be revealed with these babies. Jesus, we cry out to you for a miracle, and we believe you have the power to complete what You promised--redeeming and restoring what was lost with Grace.
I was feeling less strong this morning, and God reminded me of Abraham and Isaac, and how God had promised many nations through Isaac, but then God asked Abraham to kill Isaac. Abraham believed that promise would be fulfilled somehow, so he trusted God up to the last minute when God provided a different sacrifice.
I have to believe the dream He gave me and the little things that keep happening--I got home from the doctor, and the internet page headline was "Faith in God." Just before we went to the doctor I had read Scott all of the promises. Lord please strengthen his faith. Thank you for keeping me strong.
The same Jesus who healed a blind man--he was blind from birth so that God's glory would be revealed--is the same Jesus today who does miracles. Lord please increase Scott's faith. God, guard his mind from doubt and confusion.
I can't thank You enough for giving us so many people praying in faith. You are our healer and redeemer. Lord protect me from fear."

More Testing. . .

May 15, 2008

We went in for the first check-up at the doctor, and she said the ultrasound looked like a 4.5 week old instead of a 6.5 week baby. She should have seen a heartbeat. She said they would run some bloodwork for the hormone levels, and if my levels were those of a 4.5 weeker, we would just assume my dates are off. She called me a couple of hours later, and my hormone levels were that of a 6.5 week old baby--and I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum--basically an empty gestational sac with no baby--the embryo had stopped growing. She said I would most likely miscarry over the weekend or I could take a pill to speed up the process; or I could just wait. Instantly, my mind thought, well if the baby has already died, (and we're assuming it would have died 2 weeks ago) then taking the pill made sense so I didn't have to wait for the miscarriage. Then, I thought "of course I'll wait it out!--in the event that God wants to do something amazing, I do not want to get in the way of Him healing this baby." I had the courage to ask if my hormone levels might be high if I'm having twins, and she said it is only a 1% chance--that was enough to give me hope, though. I also asked her if I could come back Monday to have my hormone levels checked again, so I could see if they were on their way down (showing I was about to miscarry) or where they were at.

This was all hard news to hear--I basically told people that the doctor didn't expect our baby to live, because until I started bleeding, I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay. The reality of my faith lesson became even more real--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." The scientific evidence was there on the ultrasound and hormone level, but I knew God was bigger than any of it and had the power to give life.

Nicole was incredible this day--she immediately gave me confidence that this was not over--God had promised this baby, and we weren't giving up!

From my journal. . .

"Today the doctor told us that our baby will not live so I've been through a lot of emotions. Right now, even though it's crazy, I am believing God that this pregnancy is not over.
from Nicole: Isaiah 59:21, Ps 30:6-12
Lord I pray you make science wrong. Lord You knew this appointment would happen today so I know You are not surprised. Be near oh, God. I want to hear from You. Immediately I felt like God was saying "I have spoken before" so I was reminded of the last things He had spoken to me and everything leading up to this pregnancy.
I don't want to have little faith. He has given me Ps 111 the last few days.
Ps. 112:7 "He (a righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Ps 113--from the rising of the sun to the setting of it "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children."
He is not a God of broken promises.
Heb 10:23 "Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
Ps 34: 1-10
"I prayed to the Lord and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears.". .
Lord, set me free from fears and help me to trust You each day until Monday. Anything is possible if a person believes God.
Rom 4:18 "Against all hope Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised."
{A verse I had forgotten about in my believing God study that has become my theme verse}

Lord, thank you for the believers You have surrounded us with to pray in faith that our baby/babies would be healed. Jesus, thank you that you hear our prayers. I just can't seem to believe that God would promise a fake pregnancy and have me give a testimony in front of church Sunday just to come back the next week and take it all back. [of course, I do not want to presume to know the mind of God, and sometimes He does things we don't understand, but I did believe He was in the business of increasing people's faith, not tearing it down.]
Lord, we cry out to you and others who are interceding for us that everything will work out. I pray it's Your will for this to be a viable pregnancy."

May 10, 2008 Mother's Day Eve

Saturday evening before Mother's Day. . .

From my journal. . .

"I remember waking up the morning after our baby died and just wailing, not only for Day 1: Life II, but for what I was to go through. God was with me through everything--healing me after the procedure and miraculously healing my heart. Yes, I felt like He was blessing me amidst the grief. Lord, I feel like I have a testimony of Your goodness, but I don't know how much to share for church. There are so many truths about You I learned through this:

• Your deep love for those who are hurting
• Your timing is perfect--time comes to You
• You do turn ashes to beauty and give us hope

It's been such a faith journey, and I am so completely thankful that I'm pregnant, and at the same time I am so stunned. Mother's Day tomorrow is only sad if I do not choose to believe and hope in God's promise of our twins."

[I spent an hour this evening trying to prepare a testimony for church--I wanted to let people know the news but also summarize how amazing it all was--not just that I was pregnant, but how God had fulfilled His promise. I felt like there was too much to say, so I decided to just tell people one on one and prayed that God would lead me to tell whoever I should tell, and then maybe Wednesday I would tell the whole story to our small group. Scott and I were leading the music in the morning, and I knew that many people in church would be worried about my emotions since it was going to be Mother's Day. When I awoke Sunday morning, I breathed a prayer that if God wanted me to give a testimony to just work it into the morning and speak the words He wanted me to say--I knew there was a lot already on the schedule.

There was a MOPS presentation in which they gave all of the ladies of the church flowers in honor of Mother's Day. I had that sense that people were watching me to see if I was okay--I knew people were deeply concerned. Shortly after the presentation, a dear lady from our small group walked over in front of us and asked "Is there something you're not telling us?" of course I told her "yes" and then she started crying and praising God, and of course, I always cry if someone else is, so I started crying. Then I looked at Scott and said, I'm going to have to go up there now and give a testimony, because I knew that everyone in the church would think I was crying because I was upset. I don't really remember what all I said, but I did briefly mention how God had miraculously healed me emotionally and that I felt like He was promising me to get pregnant soon with twins. I encouraged others to keep believing God and having faith, and then ended by saying that this Mother's Day, I am a mother-to-be. So it was very exciting and I knew God had wanted it that way. Bonnie said that they could just tell by looking at me, so she had to come ask :)]

May 8, 2008

The first couple of days after the positive pregnancy test I had no fear or doubts, because I was in such awe about how God had fulfilled His promise. I wasn't concerned at all about a miscarriage, because I believed if God had promised this baby/babies, there was nothing to worry about. Then, this day it seemed like I was under attack, and literally every 5 minutes I was having these thoughts pop in my head "you don't know this baby is going to live" and things like that-I had to constantly refute them that if God was going to take the time to reveal that I would be pregnant at this time, that it wasn't going to die

From my journal. . .

"Oh Lord, You have done this marvelous work, but Satan wants to mess with my mind. Some hours it is such a fight to not be concerned about this pregnancy, and I constantly have to remind myself that God promised this baby (these babies). Lord, clothe my mind in Your truth. Protect these babies from harm.
Lord help me to not be like the Israelites who only finally believed your promises after they had crossed the Red Sea. Help me to continue to trust now--from now until the next 34 weeks. It is truly an amazing gift you have given us. Help me not to wonder if this is Your will for me to carry these babies full-term. Help me to always trust that these babies are the twins You've promised. I don't know why it's so hard to trust now that the promise is fulfilled."

May 6, 2008

From my journal. . .

"I am still in awe that I'm actually pregnant, and I am so excited for the future--sometimes I can't believe it. I am so at peace with this pregnancy--it's so different than the last one, because I know what I can eat, etc. and what the feelings mean. I just trust they are twin boys, but I am aware this might not be the timing for that. Although, there's no reason it wouldn't be based on everything God spoke. Mary and Elizabeth knew in the Bible, even without technology, because God spoke to them.

I am just so overwhelmed with thankfulness and awe. I do have to choose to not be fearful of a miscarriage."

May 4, 2008

From my journal. . .

"This morning my pregnancy test was positive. It's hard to believe it's really true even though I thought that's what God was speaking. I took a test a couple of days ago, and it was negative, but I kept belieivng and hoping. God is so amazing--I am in awe that He gave us this incredible gift."

[I remember taking the test and believing it was going to be positive, because when I awoke, I just knew I was pregnant. When I actually saw the results, it validated that God had said I would conceive April 14. That was pretty amazing for both Scott and I to understand. I was really nervous and excited to tell my parents, but I wanted to tell the whole story. Thankfully we were on a long drive into France that day, so I could tell them everything before they went back to the States the next day.]