In my second post I have pictures that were taken while we were in Holland, and the soft pink tulips that were a message of comfort in memory of little Grace around her due date. I took the pregnancy test the day before her due date, and it was negative. Although, I still kept remembering God's lesson to me when I got up in the middle of the night to take a pregnancy test that was negative, and He spoke--"don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." Obviously the evidence was saying that I wasn't pregnant, but if He really did speak that April 14 is when I would be pregnant with the twins, then I couldn't stop believing.
I took another pregnancy test May 2 while we were still in Holland and it still was negative. Scott and I went on a walk through the windmills, and I told him that I felt pregnant--I knew now what that felt like--but that the pregnancy test was negative again. It was such a special memory, because we had a great conversation about how I believed God had healed me so quickly emotionally (miraculously--just like people are physically healed) to possibly be pregnant so soon again. I felt ready to have another pregnancy and not be constantly reliving the emotional scars. I was still determined to believe even though the evidence was not there.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
April 21, 2008
I remember struggling during these weeks that--"why me? why would God be so good to me to promise me this, when I know there are millions of women out there waiting to be pregnant." I wanted them to get the same messages! My friend Shannon had some comforting insight--she said that after reading a book about George Mueller, she learned that God sometimes picks people to reveal these works simply because He wants to increase the faith of many people. So, I rested in that--all the while hoping and praying that God would also speak to other longing women. Maybe God would speak to them when or how to trust or maybe give them counsel if they should adopt or do something more scientific. I do pray that. . .
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I won't be disappointed with Your will, even if I find out I'm not pregnant on Wednesday. It's hard to know what to believe--what to have faith in--do I choose to believe it is this month or just wait and see what happens. Is my body holding our two boys already? I don't physically feel pregnant, but I know God said to believe even when the evidence is not there [don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence]. There are only 3 more days, but I do want to believe to the fullest if this is what God promised for this month. I want to long to be at Jesus' feet just like Pepper [our dog] is content to lie at my feet in peace."
From my journal. . .
"Lord, I won't be disappointed with Your will, even if I find out I'm not pregnant on Wednesday. It's hard to know what to believe--what to have faith in--do I choose to believe it is this month or just wait and see what happens. Is my body holding our two boys already? I don't physically feel pregnant, but I know God said to believe even when the evidence is not there [don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence]. There are only 3 more days, but I do want to believe to the fullest if this is what God promised for this month. I want to long to be at Jesus' feet just like Pepper [our dog] is content to lie at my feet in peace."
April 17, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Our due date is nearing, but I don't even know what I'm feeling. I guess because my brain knows that it's not reality. Sometimes I daydream about how big I would be by now, but I guess I know that I will be that way someday. I guess I really am crazy, because my hope for being pregnant now and finding out around the due date is so alive now that I'm more focused on that than the death. I suppose that I've been miraculously healed emotionally.
The truth of my secret is that I feel like I know I'm pregnant. I don't know why, but it just feels true. We will find out in a few days, but even though I'm not having any signs it just is what I sense. I could be totally crazy, but the thought of being disappointed at the end of this month doesn't even cross my mind. Lord, I don' t want to be crazy, but I also want to believe the unbelievable. I have no doubt that when we are pregnant we will have twins. Lord help me not to forget the faith journey You've brought me through."
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36
"Our due date is nearing, but I don't even know what I'm feeling. I guess because my brain knows that it's not reality. Sometimes I daydream about how big I would be by now, but I guess I know that I will be that way someday. I guess I really am crazy, because my hope for being pregnant now and finding out around the due date is so alive now that I'm more focused on that than the death. I suppose that I've been miraculously healed emotionally.
The truth of my secret is that I feel like I know I'm pregnant. I don't know why, but it just feels true. We will find out in a few days, but even though I'm not having any signs it just is what I sense. I could be totally crazy, but the thought of being disappointed at the end of this month doesn't even cross my mind. Lord, I don' t want to be crazy, but I also want to believe the unbelievable. I have no doubt that when we are pregnant we will have twins. Lord help me not to forget the faith journey You've brought me through."
"Be not afraid, only believe." Mark 5:36
April 14, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord, if I am pregnant today, help me to never lose faith in You and trust You always like I've had to trust You. Sometimes I feel a little crazy, because I'm pretty convinced that I am pregnant today--I have that peace that it is true, just like I knew I had the job at the Governor's Office--my parents thought I was crazy to sign a lease without a job, but I knew it was how God was leading me-to not look for another job but to wait until they confirmed I had received the job. I felt like God was saying something special about April 14. This morning I woke up so peaceful. I went to my Beth Moore Believing God study wondering what I was going to learn--if it was going to be something powerful today, and when I got there Johnnie pulled me aside and asked me if I was pregnant. I was stunned and overcome. I told her--'why?' and said 'I don't know. . .' (tears welling up in my eyes)--then she asked if I knew for sure I wasn't pregnant, and I said, 'no.' I told her that God had been speaking to me something about this date. She said I had been on her mind a lot the last couple of days, and she had something she felt she was supposed to give me. When I opened it, it was a book on parenting twins. The whole thing was very surreal. She knew I was believing God for twins, but the timing of the conversation was amazing. I think that's why I'm at peace right now. It's almost as if there is no way I can't possibly believe. God is miraculous and amazing, and He has a perfect order to everything. I am overwhelmed at His love. Thank you, Lord, for sending such a clear message. Lord, there is so much You've taught me through this. I cannot thank you enough."
[I remember thinking--"even if I am not pregnant, God wanted me to have that message today as confirmation of His promise to give us twins."]
"Lord, if I am pregnant today, help me to never lose faith in You and trust You always like I've had to trust You. Sometimes I feel a little crazy, because I'm pretty convinced that I am pregnant today--I have that peace that it is true, just like I knew I had the job at the Governor's Office--my parents thought I was crazy to sign a lease without a job, but I knew it was how God was leading me-to not look for another job but to wait until they confirmed I had received the job. I felt like God was saying something special about April 14. This morning I woke up so peaceful. I went to my Beth Moore Believing God study wondering what I was going to learn--if it was going to be something powerful today, and when I got there Johnnie pulled me aside and asked me if I was pregnant. I was stunned and overcome. I told her--'why?' and said 'I don't know. . .' (tears welling up in my eyes)--then she asked if I knew for sure I wasn't pregnant, and I said, 'no.' I told her that God had been speaking to me something about this date. She said I had been on her mind a lot the last couple of days, and she had something she felt she was supposed to give me. When I opened it, it was a book on parenting twins. The whole thing was very surreal. She knew I was believing God for twins, but the timing of the conversation was amazing. I think that's why I'm at peace right now. It's almost as if there is no way I can't possibly believe. God is miraculous and amazing, and He has a perfect order to everything. I am overwhelmed at His love. Thank you, Lord, for sending such a clear message. Lord, there is so much You've taught me through this. I cannot thank you enough."
[I remember thinking--"even if I am not pregnant, God wanted me to have that message today as confirmation of His promise to give us twins."]
April 12, 2008
Aahh-the month of April. I didn't really know what to expect for myself this month--A lot of people who have lost babies really struggle when their due date is near, because they are having to start over. For me, I did think about what might have been, but I also was so full of hope, because this was the first month we were allowed to start trying again. Jamie and I found out we were pregnant at the same time, so in some ways it was a relief when she delivered early, because then I didn't have to think about her due date coming up--it just kind of hit me by surprise, and then it was already over. I also knew that other people were thinking about me and praying for me, and then sometimes you do feel like telling the world--"I was supposed to be having a baby now" but that doesn't really work into conversations. I was so looking forward to my baby shower and sharing our baby with everyone in our church that we had come to know so well and who had been so excited with us. I think I was really hoping to get pregnant before we moved just to close that chapter with our church--many of those people we might not see again. I also wanted to be able to share with everyone what I had been keeping to myself all this time, and now I am sharing with you. Of course this was how it was worked out in my mind, but I didn't know what God's plans were. I knew that He knew what was best for our church body for increasing their faith, whether I was pregnant before we moved June 10 or years later.
From my journal. . .
For some reason I sense that God is saying April 14 is significant for conception of our miracle babies, but I'm not quite sure. April 14 also came up again in my reading tonight. Something definitely is going to happen that day--whether I get pregnant or it's something about our church that will happen. My Beth Moore study I randomly did this week was about Mary possibly conceiving on April 14. It's when I am supposed to ovulate so I wondered if God was somehow using that story to communicate it to me--and then the same date came up again in another reading. It could be something larger for our church or maybe that's the date our babies will be conceived as part of how God will show His glory at our church [we'd been praying for a time of revival/refreshment at our church]. Jesus is the Redeemer of the world--He could have been conceived on April 14 at the same time that the Passover is celebrated, which is also when He was the sacrifice for mankind on the cross--this could be the date that in my own little world God redeems what we lost--redeem means to "buy back, or restore." Or it could be the date redemption and repentance begins in our church or the church at large.
From my journal. . .
For some reason I sense that God is saying April 14 is significant for conception of our miracle babies, but I'm not quite sure. April 14 also came up again in my reading tonight. Something definitely is going to happen that day--whether I get pregnant or it's something about our church that will happen. My Beth Moore study I randomly did this week was about Mary possibly conceiving on April 14. It's when I am supposed to ovulate so I wondered if God was somehow using that story to communicate it to me--and then the same date came up again in another reading. It could be something larger for our church or maybe that's the date our babies will be conceived as part of how God will show His glory at our church [we'd been praying for a time of revival/refreshment at our church]. Jesus is the Redeemer of the world--He could have been conceived on April 14 at the same time that the Passover is celebrated, which is also when He was the sacrifice for mankind on the cross--this could be the date that in my own little world God redeems what we lost--redeem means to "buy back, or restore." Or it could be the date redemption and repentance begins in our church or the church at large.
March 27-29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"The Lord keeps reminding me of the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land in Deut. 7-8:20. It has come up in different readings and parts of each study. He promised to bring them there and tested their character and provided for them. He also tells them to remember all of the things He did (miracles) so they will not be afraid when they conquer the other people. Then He also tells them not to forget what He's done when they have finally reached the Promised Land--[what they've been waiting 40 years to see, and I'm sure sometimes doubting God was really going to bring them there. Although, just as we do today, each time God did a miracle to protect or help them, it wasn't long before they were doubting again.] I felt many similarities to my situation as I was reading this passage. I want to keep believing before I ever reach my "Promised Land"--not just because I have reached my Promised Land.
Today I actually am more focused on Jesus than thinking about the promise He's given. Maybe because I am just resting in it or maybe because I am tired. I do want to learn more and more about Jesus."
March 28, 2008
From my journal. . .
"For some reason yesterday and today I have so much peace about the babies--it struck me the promise that "peace will come to you in time." God keeps speaking to me in themes--it seems that I'll read or hear something 3 different times in a matter of a day or two.
Of course I have my ideas of when I wish I'll get pregnant, but I do trust God's perfect plans. I do ask Him to make it soon, but I don't know His will for when these boys are to be brought onto Earth.
I do love you, Lord, for speaking to me so much through all of this and continually making Your Word alive in my life. Please help me to write my blog in the right timing, and help me to say the right things."
March 29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Ps. 68:19 'Praise the Lord, praise God our Savior! For each day He carries us in His arms.'
Deut 8:10-11 'When you have eaten your fill, praise the Lord your God for the good land He has given you. But that is a time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations and laws. When you have it all don't forget that He brought you through the wilderness. 'He did it so you wouldn't think it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy.'
Lord, help me to articulate what you've done for me. And how I'm believing for a miracle of my two boys. As Beth Moore illustrated yesterday that if we're sowing seeds of faith through the Word of God (and all the things He's taught me on this journey) and water them with our tears, we'll reap joy."
"The Lord keeps reminding me of the Israelites and their journey to the Promised Land in Deut. 7-8:20. It has come up in different readings and parts of each study. He promised to bring them there and tested their character and provided for them. He also tells them to remember all of the things He did (miracles) so they will not be afraid when they conquer the other people. Then He also tells them not to forget what He's done when they have finally reached the Promised Land--[what they've been waiting 40 years to see, and I'm sure sometimes doubting God was really going to bring them there. Although, just as we do today, each time God did a miracle to protect or help them, it wasn't long before they were doubting again.] I felt many similarities to my situation as I was reading this passage. I want to keep believing before I ever reach my "Promised Land"--not just because I have reached my Promised Land.
Today I actually am more focused on Jesus than thinking about the promise He's given. Maybe because I am just resting in it or maybe because I am tired. I do want to learn more and more about Jesus."
March 28, 2008
From my journal. . .
"For some reason yesterday and today I have so much peace about the babies--it struck me the promise that "peace will come to you in time." God keeps speaking to me in themes--it seems that I'll read or hear something 3 different times in a matter of a day or two.
Of course I have my ideas of when I wish I'll get pregnant, but I do trust God's perfect plans. I do ask Him to make it soon, but I don't know His will for when these boys are to be brought onto Earth.
I do love you, Lord, for speaking to me so much through all of this and continually making Your Word alive in my life. Please help me to write my blog in the right timing, and help me to say the right things."
March 29, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Ps. 68:19 'Praise the Lord, praise God our Savior! For each day He carries us in His arms.'
Deut 8:10-11 'When you have eaten your fill, praise the Lord your God for the good land He has given you. But that is a time to be careful! Beware that in your plenty you do not forget the Lord your God and disobey his commands, regulations and laws. When you have it all don't forget that He brought you through the wilderness. 'He did it so you wouldn't think it was your own strength and energy that made you wealthy.'
Lord, help me to articulate what you've done for me. And how I'm believing for a miracle of my two boys. As Beth Moore illustrated yesterday that if we're sowing seeds of faith through the Word of God (and all the things He's taught me on this journey) and water them with our tears, we'll reap joy."
March 19, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I feel really at peace today. I do long for my little boys. Lord I do long to know You more and to proclaim Your church to the nations. Lord, be with our church--help them to be passionate about You. Lord, let us see miracles; let us see Your power.
Ps. 62:5-6 'I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.'
v. 8 "O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge"
"Help me to receive the words You say every day. Thank you for your grace and mercy."
"I feel really at peace today. I do long for my little boys. Lord I do long to know You more and to proclaim Your church to the nations. Lord, be with our church--help them to be passionate about You. Lord, let us see miracles; let us see Your power.
Ps. 62:5-6 'I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.'
v. 8 "O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge"
"Help me to receive the words You say every day. Thank you for your grace and mercy."
March 18, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I want to have faith like Abraham--he trusted You no matter what. Lord I know Your timing is perfect--whenever You want these boys brought into the world. I am believing for before we move--nothing is impossible with You. Help me to be patient. God, You are so good to us--how could I ever want more. I call to God and the Lord saves me and covers me with His love. Lord help me to receive everything You've promised me and told me every day. Lord, Your hand will guide me--help me to follow You and the path You've carved for me. Thank You, Lord how You've led me to songs to encourage my faith and answer the questions of my heart. Continue to increase Scott's faith.
Lord, thank you for ministering to me. I just read a passage about Jesus from my other study, but of course it is alive for my situation. Matt 13:58 "and he did not do any miracles there because of their lack of faith." Lord help me to be full of faith. [I then thanked the Lord for the miraculous healing of a young man that was medically documented--he had cancer, their church prayed over him, and he went back to the doctor and was cancer free]. Thank you Lord for that testimony of faith.
It was 3 months ago we found out our baby had died. It was God's perfect plan and timing. She was due in a little over a month, but I don't really think about that."
"I want to have faith like Abraham--he trusted You no matter what. Lord I know Your timing is perfect--whenever You want these boys brought into the world. I am believing for before we move--nothing is impossible with You. Help me to be patient. God, You are so good to us--how could I ever want more. I call to God and the Lord saves me and covers me with His love. Lord help me to receive everything You've promised me and told me every day. Lord, Your hand will guide me--help me to follow You and the path You've carved for me. Thank You, Lord how You've led me to songs to encourage my faith and answer the questions of my heart. Continue to increase Scott's faith.
Lord, thank you for ministering to me. I just read a passage about Jesus from my other study, but of course it is alive for my situation. Matt 13:58 "and he did not do any miracles there because of their lack of faith." Lord help me to be full of faith. [I then thanked the Lord for the miraculous healing of a young man that was medically documented--he had cancer, their church prayed over him, and he went back to the doctor and was cancer free]. Thank you Lord for that testimony of faith.
It was 3 months ago we found out our baby had died. It was God's perfect plan and timing. She was due in a little over a month, but I don't really think about that."
March 17, 2008
"This journal will hopefully hold many changes in my (our) lives. Of course, little did I know how many changes and griefs I/we would be bearing in the last journal. Right now I am doing 2 powerful Bible studies by Beth Moore, but I miss my quiet, intimate time with the Lord. Right now I believe He has spoken to me that we'll have boy twins, but I felt little boldness in telling a few ladies earlier today. That is my last test of faith--if I really believe God has promised us twins and He'll do it, then I won't be shy about telling people, because I know it will happen! I just told them to believe with me about having a baby in the next 9 weeks of our study. I do believe I'll get pregnant in March, April, or May-it's the twin part I'm finding hard to believe again. Lord, help me to not doubt.
I just read a passage in my Bible study, and I was going to review yesterday's reading in my One Year Bible, and it was the same passage I had just read in Luke."
Ps. 59:16-17 "I will sing about your power. I will shout with joy each morning because of Your unfailing love. For You have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress. O my strength, to You I sing praises, for You, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love."
I just read a passage in my Bible study, and I was going to review yesterday's reading in my One Year Bible, and it was the same passage I had just read in Luke."
Ps. 59:16-17 "I will sing about your power. I will shout with joy each morning because of Your unfailing love. For You have been my refuge, a place of safety in the day of distress. O my strength, to You I sing praises, for You, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love."
March 16, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I sense (or maybe I want to believe) that I'll be pregnant with the promise in March, April, or May. [even though I wasn't supposed to be pregnant in March by doctor's orders, I didn't know if my timing had been off, keeping it an open possibility] I just have to keep believing and believe enough to tell my friends. My heart longs for my two little boys, ironically not for the little girl I lost.
Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
We'll see what the next journal has in store!
[This is the verse I closed with on the last page of the journal book]
"I sense (or maybe I want to believe) that I'll be pregnant with the promise in March, April, or May. [even though I wasn't supposed to be pregnant in March by doctor's orders, I didn't know if my timing had been off, keeping it an open possibility] I just have to keep believing and believe enough to tell my friends. My heart longs for my two little boys, ironically not for the little girl I lost.
Romans 4:18 "Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed. . .without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead. . .yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."
We'll see what the next journal has in store!
[This is the verse I closed with on the last page of the journal book]
March 15, 2008
At this point, the only things that are hard are when people ask us if we have kids, and in my mind I feel like I do have a baby in heaven--that I really am a mom. Some people say things like "oh, you've been married almost 6 years and you don't have kids yet?" I definitely am a lot more sensitive to that with other people now. I also have a hard time thinking about why people would want to get abortions--I remember when I saw Grace's heartbeat when it was just 2 tiny little tubes--she was alive! and then her heart stopped--and why would you want to purposefully do that when you have a baby that is meant to live! I also have a hard time with all the movie stars getting pregnant when there are so many people I know struggling with not being able to have a child--it seems so easy for the movie stars--the public pregnancies don't seem to end in miscarriage or stillbirth.
I forgot to mention a story from a week before--I was on the plane from Dallas back to Germany when I was able to sit with a long-time friend. She was comparing how being single is like the longing a woman has for getting pregnant. She told me a story that had encouraged her during her time in Texas--a woman had 7 miscarriages in a little over a year's time, and she felt that God had spoken she would have 2 more boys. She reached a point where she didn't want to try to get pregnant anymore, because she didn't want to go through the pain again, but God kept confirming what He had spoken. And today, she has 2 more boys. I was so encouraged that God had spoken to another woman similarly to me, and that was just another piece I needed to keep believing.
From my journal. . .
"This week I've kind of lost count of how many weeks it's been since the baby died. It will be 3 months in 3 days. I do think about what I might have looked like when I see really pregnant women and that we would have been weeks away from delivering. I don't think so much about what would have been, because I feel like I'm in another plan--that baby lived and died in December--of course it wouldn't be born in April anymore, because she was already 'born.'"
I forgot to mention a story from a week before--I was on the plane from Dallas back to Germany when I was able to sit with a long-time friend. She was comparing how being single is like the longing a woman has for getting pregnant. She told me a story that had encouraged her during her time in Texas--a woman had 7 miscarriages in a little over a year's time, and she felt that God had spoken she would have 2 more boys. She reached a point where she didn't want to try to get pregnant anymore, because she didn't want to go through the pain again, but God kept confirming what He had spoken. And today, she has 2 more boys. I was so encouraged that God had spoken to another woman similarly to me, and that was just another piece I needed to keep believing.
From my journal. . .
"This week I've kind of lost count of how many weeks it's been since the baby died. It will be 3 months in 3 days. I do think about what I might have looked like when I see really pregnant women and that we would have been weeks away from delivering. I don't think so much about what would have been, because I feel like I'm in another plan--that baby lived and died in December--of course it wouldn't be born in April anymore, because she was already 'born.'"
March 12, 2008
I want to share the five basic principles of Beth Moore's "Believing God" study so you know what's going on in my head during this time.
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. God's Word is alive and active in me
5. I can do all things through Christ
I'm believing God!
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel kind of crazy right now. I'm believing the unbelievable, but I also don't want to e having faith in something in my own timing. I believe the impossible, but then sometimes it makes me feel crazy and stupid. But I do believe You've promised me twins. I've also gotten so wrapped up in my belief and hope and not doubting that it does make me feel strange. Part of me feels like the ultimate test of faith is telling people what you've spoken before it happens. The only way we don't tell people is because we're afraid that it won't happen. Lord I need your counsel.
Because I'm believing God, I will be pregnant in the next 9 weeks. Lord if you want me to tell anyone specifically, please lead me."
Ps. 73:24, 26 "You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of m heart and my portion forever."
March 14, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel like I'm falling apart--just overwhelmed with everything. Thank you that I can find refreshment and renewal in You. Lord we need you to do something powerful in our church."
1. God is who He says He is
2. God can do what He says He can do
3. I am who God says I am
4. God's Word is alive and active in me
5. I can do all things through Christ
I'm believing God!
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel kind of crazy right now. I'm believing the unbelievable, but I also don't want to e having faith in something in my own timing. I believe the impossible, but then sometimes it makes me feel crazy and stupid. But I do believe You've promised me twins. I've also gotten so wrapped up in my belief and hope and not doubting that it does make me feel strange. Part of me feels like the ultimate test of faith is telling people what you've spoken before it happens. The only way we don't tell people is because we're afraid that it won't happen. Lord I need your counsel.
Because I'm believing God, I will be pregnant in the next 9 weeks. Lord if you want me to tell anyone specifically, please lead me."
Ps. 73:24, 26 "You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of m heart and my portion forever."
March 14, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I feel like I'm falling apart--just overwhelmed with everything. Thank you that I can find refreshment and renewal in You. Lord we need you to do something powerful in our church."
March 10, 2008
Somewhere during this time I was reading the passage about Samuel, and how God kept calling for him during the night. Three times Samuel got up and went to Eli, and then Eli taught him the Lord was calling for him. I had also been learning a lot about faith=obedience--how faith requires obedience. A day or two later, I remember lying in bed, and at 1:00am, I felt like God was telling me to go take a pregnancy test. At first I thought, 'that's crazy--it must be in my head, because I know that it's the wrong time in my cycle to even show I'm pregnant.' But I kept having this gnawing feeling that if I didn't get up and go take that pregnancy test, that I would be disobeying God somehow. So, I got up, took the test, and believed that maybe it was going to be positive and God was going to do a miracle. As I stared at the negative test (I wasn't surprised) I prayed--"God, what are you trying to teach me?" I felt like it was as clear as ever--"Don't let your faith only be fueled by evidence." Of course, I didn't even tell Scott about this for a long time, because I felt pretty silly about the whole thing, but I will never forget God teaching me that truth, and that lesson is pivotal in the rest of the story.
From my journal. . .
"I've been learning a lot about faith--hard to express everything that I've learned every day, but I wish I had recorded it. I'm excited about the new study I've started called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. [The premise of the study is that most of us as Christians, believe in God, but we don't Believe God] It is another study that I feel I need to be a part of, because that's where God is moving in my life. I do believe God can give me twins. In my mind, I do believe He will. I don't know how long it will be or what I will have to go through to get there but last night I learned about time moving into place as God arranges it--not just time passing. Beth says that in the next 9 weeks we will see the Promised Land, and I hope for that. It seems that one of the recurring themes for me during this time has been about Moses and the Israelites and about believing in miracles and now studying and believing that God will bring about the Promised Land in my life. I know I am justified through faith and what Jesus has done on the cross, but somehow I can't live up to deserving all of the blessings He's given us and what He's promised.
". . .in order that you may know the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe." Eph. 1:18
I'm full of so many hopes and dreams for our future babies. I just hope I'm not crazy, and I hope I will not let myself be disappointed if I have to wait awhile. Lord, keep my flesh and my heart from failing."
From my journal. . .
"I've been learning a lot about faith--hard to express everything that I've learned every day, but I wish I had recorded it. I'm excited about the new study I've started called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. [The premise of the study is that most of us as Christians, believe in God, but we don't Believe God] It is another study that I feel I need to be a part of, because that's where God is moving in my life. I do believe God can give me twins. In my mind, I do believe He will. I don't know how long it will be or what I will have to go through to get there but last night I learned about time moving into place as God arranges it--not just time passing. Beth says that in the next 9 weeks we will see the Promised Land, and I hope for that. It seems that one of the recurring themes for me during this time has been about Moses and the Israelites and about believing in miracles and now studying and believing that God will bring about the Promised Land in my life. I know I am justified through faith and what Jesus has done on the cross, but somehow I can't live up to deserving all of the blessings He's given us and what He's promised.
". . .in order that you may know the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe." Eph. 1:18
I'm full of so many hopes and dreams for our future babies. I just hope I'm not crazy, and I hope I will not let myself be disappointed if I have to wait awhile. Lord, keep my flesh and my heart from failing."
February 27, 2008
A few days before this journal entry we went to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor who had performed the procedure in December. During that visit he told us that we had a little girl and that we had nothing in our genes to predict this happening again. That was very relieving news. We were disappointed, however, because he wanted us to wait another month to start trying to have children. But I knew it was all for the best--to make sure my body was completely ready. On the ride home from the doctor, it was almost as if her name was whispered to me--not a name we would necessarily give one of our daughters, but in our hearts we think of her as our little Grace. It fits this situation and how we had felt God's grace so deeply. In a neat story that happened to me sometime later, a met a wonderful woman who had a friend who had just lost a baby that had lived only 10 days. She was telling me that the woman was given double grace, because in Hebrew, the same root for the number 5 is the same as grace. Of course this woman did not know we had named our little girl that, but it made my heart skip a beat, because I always told people I was 5.5 months pregnant when we lost her. It was just another amazing sign of God's order--just like in the Bible.
From my journal. . .
"I think waiting another month gives God more time to prepare us. Scott told me the other night that he was starting to believe we would have twins (what God had spoken). It warmed my heart, because I've been praying for God to help him to believe."
Ps. 42 and 43 "Why am I discouraged; why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again--my savior and my God!"
Mark 9:23-24 Jesus says "Anything is possible if a person believes" the father replies "I do believe, but help me not to doubt."
From my journal. . .
"I think waiting another month gives God more time to prepare us. Scott told me the other night that he was starting to believe we would have twins (what God had spoken). It warmed my heart, because I've been praying for God to help him to believe."
Ps. 42 and 43 "Why am I discouraged; why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again--my savior and my God!"
Mark 9:23-24 Jesus says "Anything is possible if a person believes" the father replies "I do believe, but help me not to doubt."
February 15, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Oh Lord, let me be like Hannah [in the Bible]--that You hear my petition--After she prayed and Eli told her that the God of Israel would answer her petition, she and her husband worshipped the next morning, because they believed. It said the Lord remembered her, and she conceived and bore a son."
Ps. 34:17-19 "The Lord hears his people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one."
Ps. 36:5-7 "Your unfailing love O Lord is as vast as the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, Your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
"Oh Lord, let me be like Hannah [in the Bible]--that You hear my petition--After she prayed and Eli told her that the God of Israel would answer her petition, she and her husband worshipped the next morning, because they believed. It said the Lord remembered her, and she conceived and bore a son."
Ps. 34:17-19 "The Lord hears his people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous face many troubles, but the Lord rescues them from each and every one."
Ps. 36:5-7 "Your unfailing love O Lord is as vast as the heavens; Your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, Your justice like the ocean depths. You care for people and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
February 13, 2008
From my journal. . .
"A year ago Scott returned home. It took about this long to return back to completely normal. It's hard to believe he was gone this long plus one month. I hope we never have to go through this again. I must surrender my fears and desires to Him. God sees the big picture--I'll never understand His ways fully. I don't want to go through more heartache, but I do know I experienced such a sweet relationship with Jesus.
Psalm 34:1-10 "I will praise the Lord at all times; I will constantly speak His praises. . .come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. Taste and see the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!"
Lord, thank you for setting me free from my fears. Help me to trust in You completely."
"A year ago Scott returned home. It took about this long to return back to completely normal. It's hard to believe he was gone this long plus one month. I hope we never have to go through this again. I must surrender my fears and desires to Him. God sees the big picture--I'll never understand His ways fully. I don't want to go through more heartache, but I do know I experienced such a sweet relationship with Jesus.
Psalm 34:1-10 "I will praise the Lord at all times; I will constantly speak His praises. . .come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. Taste and see the Lord is good. Oh the joys of those who trust in Him!"
Lord, thank you for setting me free from my fears. Help me to trust in You completely."
February 9-10, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord, You are the Great Healer. Thank you for making me whole physically and emotionally. Thank you for restoring me. Please keep my insides healthy and whole to have my boys. The Lord has restored me soul and He will restore what was lost. "I'll repay you double for your woes."
My faith is strong today. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, full of mercy."
February 10, 2008
"Lord, thank you for healing me emotionally. I really feel okay-of course I am sad sometimes but I am not brokenhearted. I need You so much, because I am as weak as a mouse. Lord, I don't want people to think I've got it all together--please help them to see that you have healed me and ministered to me. A lot of people have been praying, and I know that has made a huge difference."
"Lord, You are the Great Healer. Thank you for making me whole physically and emotionally. Thank you for restoring me. Please keep my insides healthy and whole to have my boys. The Lord has restored me soul and He will restore what was lost. "I'll repay you double for your woes."
My faith is strong today. The Lord is gracious and compassionate, full of mercy."
February 10, 2008
"Lord, thank you for healing me emotionally. I really feel okay-of course I am sad sometimes but I am not brokenhearted. I need You so much, because I am as weak as a mouse. Lord, I don't want people to think I've got it all together--please help them to see that you have healed me and ministered to me. A lot of people have been praying, and I know that has made a huge difference."
February 8, 2008
At this point I was really struggling with having so much hope that I was afraid maybe I had missed a stage of grief or was using my hope to cover over some of my sadness. My mom gave me a wonderful book (it's by social workers and counselors) that helped relieve me of that concern. After reading through most of the book I realized I had, indeed, passed through the areas of grief they mentioned, and that it was okay to hope in the midst of grief. This was another occasion in which I prayed to God, and He led me straight to the passage in the book that reassures grieving moms that hope is okay. At the same time, I put in a Steven Curtis Chapman CD I hadn't listened to in years, and a song came on ("With Hope") in which he dedicates it to anyone who has lost a child or unborn baby. The song is all about hope and how "We can cry with hope; We can say goodbye with hope; 'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no; And we can grieve with hope; 'Cause we believe with hope"
Of course I was stunned as I heard the words and how they ministered to exactly what I was struggling with that morning. Not to mention, another Steven Curtis Chapman song came on about "Great Expectations"--about praying to God and believing in His power
"The morning finds me here at heaven's door
A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne The one that God Himself is seated on
And I, I've been invited as a son Oh I, I've been invited to come and...
Believe the unbelievable Receive the inconceivable And see beyond my wildest imagination Lord, I come with great expectations "
This song encouraged me that I could believe in the unbelievable--that He would give us twins.
From my journal. . .
"Today I have learned a lot about hope and faith. I'm feeling so much better, and I'm hopeful/full of faith for my two little boys, but I was scared that I had missed some grieving or skipped over something since I'm feeling pretty good. But after the books I've read today, the Bible verses I've read and the conversations I've had I think I'm okay--God has brought me on this journey to where I am emotionally healed--thanks to everyone's prayers--and it's not just because of my hope. However, I am also becoming more confident in my hope. Lord, help me to keep faith in You and what I believe You've promised. Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
I want to place my uncertainty in His hands. It's just comforting to know that I can be full of hope and not be completely over everything but be okay at the same time."
Of course I was stunned as I heard the words and how they ministered to exactly what I was struggling with that morning. Not to mention, another Steven Curtis Chapman song came on about "Great Expectations"--about praying to God and believing in His power
"The morning finds me here at heaven's door
A place I've been so many times before
Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow And carry me to places that I know so well
But dare I go where I don't understand And do I dare remember where I am
I stand before the great eternal throne The one that God Himself is seated on
And I, I've been invited as a son Oh I, I've been invited to come and...
Believe the unbelievable Receive the inconceivable And see beyond my wildest imagination Lord, I come with great expectations "
This song encouraged me that I could believe in the unbelievable--that He would give us twins.
From my journal. . .
"Today I have learned a lot about hope and faith. I'm feeling so much better, and I'm hopeful/full of faith for my two little boys, but I was scared that I had missed some grieving or skipped over something since I'm feeling pretty good. But after the books I've read today, the Bible verses I've read and the conversations I've had I think I'm okay--God has brought me on this journey to where I am emotionally healed--thanks to everyone's prayers--and it's not just because of my hope. However, I am also becoming more confident in my hope. Lord, help me to keep faith in You and what I believe You've promised. Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
I want to place my uncertainty in His hands. It's just comforting to know that I can be full of hope and not be completely over everything but be okay at the same time."
February 7, 2008
From my journal. . .
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 12:1-2 "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith."
Jesus, I need you to perfect my faith. Help me to fix my eyes on you!
Romans 5:5 "And hope (from suffering) does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
Lord I thank you how You have poured out Your love on me, and I'm sorry when I haven't accepted that as enough."
Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 12:1-2 "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith."
Jesus, I need you to perfect my faith. Help me to fix my eyes on you!
Romans 5:5 "And hope (from suffering) does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
Lord I thank you how You have poured out Your love on me, and I'm sorry when I haven't accepted that as enough."
February 4-5, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I don't even know what I'm feeling today. I know it's only been almost 7 weeks since we lost the baby, but I'm not all torn up. I do ache for the fact that in a couple of months I would have had a baby. I'm very glad to not be separated from Scott as he goes for interviews in a few weeks. Lord, please help us to know where we are going. Help me to get things ready to move."
February 5, 2008
"Last night and yesterday I felt 'soul-lonely--' wanting to talk to someone who had been through my situation that had the same faith I have. Today I called Nicole for Doug's birthday, and I was so encouraged after talking with her--I didn't feel soul lonely anymore--even though we haven't been through the same thing, we have the same faith." [Since May I had been hearing about how God was also speaking so clearly to her and ministering to her during her grief, and it was so encouraging to me to know that God does indeed speak so clearly and intimately--it wasn't just coincidence. I had been sensing the different phases of faith I was learning--first to even believe that God had spoken we would have twins; then the next step of faith I felt that God was challenging me to a deeper level of belief--if I truly believed what He was saying I would tell someone--otherwise I was keeping it to myself in fear in case He didn't really carry it through. I told Nicole, and she believed with me that God would keep the promise He had given.]
"Lord, help me to trust You more. I have to choose to believe and not doubt that You are promising us boy twins. I don't know when it will happen, but I must keep believing. I don't want to be a crazy mom, and if I get pregnant with one I will be happy and content, but I have to keep believing even if I lose more babies before I have my boys."
"I don't even know what I'm feeling today. I know it's only been almost 7 weeks since we lost the baby, but I'm not all torn up. I do ache for the fact that in a couple of months I would have had a baby. I'm very glad to not be separated from Scott as he goes for interviews in a few weeks. Lord, please help us to know where we are going. Help me to get things ready to move."
February 5, 2008
"Last night and yesterday I felt 'soul-lonely--' wanting to talk to someone who had been through my situation that had the same faith I have. Today I called Nicole for Doug's birthday, and I was so encouraged after talking with her--I didn't feel soul lonely anymore--even though we haven't been through the same thing, we have the same faith." [Since May I had been hearing about how God was also speaking so clearly to her and ministering to her during her grief, and it was so encouraging to me to know that God does indeed speak so clearly and intimately--it wasn't just coincidence. I had been sensing the different phases of faith I was learning--first to even believe that God had spoken we would have twins; then the next step of faith I felt that God was challenging me to a deeper level of belief--if I truly believed what He was saying I would tell someone--otherwise I was keeping it to myself in fear in case He didn't really carry it through. I told Nicole, and she believed with me that God would keep the promise He had given.]
"Lord, help me to trust You more. I have to choose to believe and not doubt that You are promising us boy twins. I don't know when it will happen, but I must keep believing. I don't want to be a crazy mom, and if I get pregnant with one I will be happy and content, but I have to keep believing even if I lose more babies before I have my boys."
February 1-2, 2008
From my journal. . .
"I am resolved to keep my faith and trust in God for the future. I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm crazy, but this week I feel so much better. There can be miracles when you believe."
February 2, 2008
"I feel like the Lord is blessing us so much in spite of (or maybe because of) losing our baby. We get to have other dreams come true--going to Switzerland and skiing and spending Easter in Rome. In April now we will get to travel back to some places we were hoping to go back to and being able to show my parents the tulips in Holland. God has been blessing us with the beauty of nature. What's been amazing to me is that I lost so much blood and recovered so fast. God really did heal me fast.
I wish I could write down everything God has been teaching me from the Bible and songs and everywhere. Right now I've been reading about Moses and the Israelites and how God led them and brought them through. It's only been 6 weeks, but I feel like I've been on an amazing journey. Maybe I'll be able to sit and type it out one day--I just don't want to forget. It will be hard if I don't get pregnant for awhile, but I will have to keep my faith and not fear."
Some of you probably wonder how I felt God teaching and ministering to me so much--Most of my mornings I would spend about an hour or two listening to music, reading the One Year Bible passages for that day and doing my "Walking by Faith" study--along with reading books for people who had lost babies. If I had a feeling I couldn't sort out, I would pray that straight to God--"Lord, I feel so weak, help me!" and then I would read verses or part of my study or hear a song (sometimes all 3 in the same morning) that would remind me I could find my strength in Him (or apply to exactly what I needed). Sometimes the passages didn't apply exactly to my question, but they still ministered to me by reminding me of God's character--His power and greatness-which increased my faith and trust in what He would accomplish in our lives. My friend Alison also came to spend Tuesdays with me, and that was helpful to just tell her what was going on in my head or how God was helping me work through things. Other times in my life where I had trusted God in small ways and seen Him work gave me the foundation to confidently rely on Him for strength and help. There are so many stories in the Old Testament of people's faith and reliance on God that provided the examples for me to follow.
"I am resolved to keep my faith and trust in God for the future. I don't know if I'm in denial or if I'm crazy, but this week I feel so much better. There can be miracles when you believe."
February 2, 2008
"I feel like the Lord is blessing us so much in spite of (or maybe because of) losing our baby. We get to have other dreams come true--going to Switzerland and skiing and spending Easter in Rome. In April now we will get to travel back to some places we were hoping to go back to and being able to show my parents the tulips in Holland. God has been blessing us with the beauty of nature. What's been amazing to me is that I lost so much blood and recovered so fast. God really did heal me fast.
I wish I could write down everything God has been teaching me from the Bible and songs and everywhere. Right now I've been reading about Moses and the Israelites and how God led them and brought them through. It's only been 6 weeks, but I feel like I've been on an amazing journey. Maybe I'll be able to sit and type it out one day--I just don't want to forget. It will be hard if I don't get pregnant for awhile, but I will have to keep my faith and not fear."
Some of you probably wonder how I felt God teaching and ministering to me so much--Most of my mornings I would spend about an hour or two listening to music, reading the One Year Bible passages for that day and doing my "Walking by Faith" study--along with reading books for people who had lost babies. If I had a feeling I couldn't sort out, I would pray that straight to God--"Lord, I feel so weak, help me!" and then I would read verses or part of my study or hear a song (sometimes all 3 in the same morning) that would remind me I could find my strength in Him (or apply to exactly what I needed). Sometimes the passages didn't apply exactly to my question, but they still ministered to me by reminding me of God's character--His power and greatness-which increased my faith and trust in what He would accomplish in our lives. My friend Alison also came to spend Tuesdays with me, and that was helpful to just tell her what was going on in my head or how God was helping me work through things. Other times in my life where I had trusted God in small ways and seen Him work gave me the foundation to confidently rely on Him for strength and help. There are so many stories in the Old Testament of people's faith and reliance on God that provided the examples for me to follow.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
January 28, 2008
During this time I went through some turmoil—I knew where my faith should be, because I had learned to trust God the previous year while Scott was in Iraq, but I wasn’t sure what steps to take to get back to that place. I wanted to trust that God was promising more babies, but I was also scared to death that maybe He was promising that because I might have to endure more heartache before receiving the promise. Our lesson in "Walking by Faith" was about taking that step of faith--sure, I understood that if you feel that God is leading you to a certain college and you take a step of faith to enroll, but I didn't understand how to take a "step of faith" in my situation.
There was a time during Scott's deployment in which we thought that the mission he was scheduled to complete would most likely cost his life. I wanted to ask God to preserve his life, but I also knew that many people had probably prayed that for Doug, too. Although we may never know all the ways God is working and His purposes, I had seen a glimpse of how God was already working through Nicole's life in amazing ways. I didn't know what God's will was for us or what He was going to allow for His greater purpose. After some times of raw emotion with God, I felt that He had brought me to a place where I was willing to accept whatever His will was, even if it meant the life of my husband. Don't get me wrong--I did not want Scott to die, but I knew after walking with Nicole on that journey that God still deserved my praise, even if Scott didn't come home. I looked back at my journal from when I had gone through that time, and ironically, it was exactly a year ago that I had recorded the process of how God brought me to that place of acceptance--which made re-learning the lesson that much more special. He had spoken so clearly at that time "Trust me, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship." Once I read that again and remembered how He taught me that lesson, I accepted the path I was on for this journey, and I was set free from the turmoil. It was almost as if the minute I decided to step out in faith and muster the courage to believe that maybe He was promising me babies/twins, I was filled with peace--even if it meant the journey had more loss. My own fear of the future and resistance to accept whatever may come caused me more turmoil than stepping out on my dark, blind path for whatever lay ahead. But I found the courage to take that step when I remembered that God sees the big picture and that I can trust Him, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship. The wonderful truth is that He walks with us, holding our hand, when we cry out to Him.
There was a time during Scott's deployment in which we thought that the mission he was scheduled to complete would most likely cost his life. I wanted to ask God to preserve his life, but I also knew that many people had probably prayed that for Doug, too. Although we may never know all the ways God is working and His purposes, I had seen a glimpse of how God was already working through Nicole's life in amazing ways. I didn't know what God's will was for us or what He was going to allow for His greater purpose. After some times of raw emotion with God, I felt that He had brought me to a place where I was willing to accept whatever His will was, even if it meant the life of my husband. Don't get me wrong--I did not want Scott to die, but I knew after walking with Nicole on that journey that God still deserved my praise, even if Scott didn't come home. I looked back at my journal from when I had gone through that time, and ironically, it was exactly a year ago that I had recorded the process of how God brought me to that place of acceptance--which made re-learning the lesson that much more special. He had spoken so clearly at that time "Trust me, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship." Once I read that again and remembered how He taught me that lesson, I accepted the path I was on for this journey, and I was set free from the turmoil. It was almost as if the minute I decided to step out in faith and muster the courage to believe that maybe He was promising me babies/twins, I was filled with peace--even if it meant the journey had more loss. My own fear of the future and resistance to accept whatever may come caused me more turmoil than stepping out on my dark, blind path for whatever lay ahead. But I found the courage to take that step when I remembered that God sees the big picture and that I can trust Him, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship. The wonderful truth is that He walks with us, holding our hand, when we cry out to Him.
January 23 and 25
From my journal. . .
"This is a path of blind faith, because I do not know what lies ahead (when/if I'll be pregnant or if I'll go through more miscarriages). The good news is that my guide is not blind--He sees the big picture. That I know I can trust Him for even if it is a long road ahead. I'm starting to accept whatever will come my way rather than being fearful."
January 25, 2008
"I want to believe God has promised me children, but I suppose it could be through adoption. Whenever/whatever/however many I have to believe it will be good and perfect for us. Lord, send Your grace to relieve my fears. I want to believe you have spoken we'll have baby boy twins."
"You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest." Ps. 139:3 This is my time of rest; where I am no surprise to God. I know the Lord is good. He has blessed me so many ways and given me so many gifts."
"This is a path of blind faith, because I do not know what lies ahead (when/if I'll be pregnant or if I'll go through more miscarriages). The good news is that my guide is not blind--He sees the big picture. That I know I can trust Him for even if it is a long road ahead. I'm starting to accept whatever will come my way rather than being fearful."
January 25, 2008
"I want to believe God has promised me children, but I suppose it could be through adoption. Whenever/whatever/however many I have to believe it will be good and perfect for us. Lord, send Your grace to relieve my fears. I want to believe you have spoken we'll have baby boy twins."
"You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest." Ps. 139:3 This is my time of rest; where I am no surprise to God. I know the Lord is good. He has blessed me so many ways and given me so many gifts."
January 15, 2008 and January 22
From my journal. . .
"I have a big ache in my heart today. This morning I felt like I awoke to "Life: part II." It's so hard to believe that a month ago we found out our baby had died. It's still hard to believe it was me that happened to and not someone else. (it feels kind of like a bad dream).
I do like to think of myself as a half-mom--that I did have a baby but it died. I am a mom to a baby in heaven."
January 22
We had just gotten back from a weekend ski trip to the Swiss Alps--some of the most beautiful mountains and perfect snow we'd ever seen. As much as I wished we were still having a baby, it was such a blessing to get to go skiing with Scott before we moved back to the States. Two weeks after the baby had died, we were also able to go to Garmisch with Scott's sister, and again, we had been blessed with beautiful weather and scenery that provided tranquilty for my soul. I read a passage from a book about how God "dwells in the mountains"--they are a place of praise, a place to pray, and a place to meet with Him (His presence is there). "When God calls us to the mountains, it's because He wants us to see things from His point of view and God always sees the big picture." It was so poignant--I truly felt God's love and comfort while I was in the mountains, because they were so beautiful and full of splendor and peace.
From my journal. . .
"My heart still aches for our baby. I don't know what the road ahead will bring--how long it will be until I'm pregnant with a baby that lasts full term or if we will adopt. I know we'll know when/if to adopt, but getting pregnant is so full of mystery. It was 5 weeks ago we found out our baby had died. I'm trying to walk by faith (I don't really feel I have much choice). I do feel that last year was harder with Scott deployed, but it also makes me more weary thinking how much longer my strength will be tested. Life isn't supposed to be easy, I guess, and God has blessed us a million times over. I have to keep reminding myself His grace is enough.
There are so many times over the past 4 weeks I've felt God so close and so tenderly loving me-I wish I had written them all down. God has been speaking so clearly. I started a Bible study, "Walking by Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark." When I saw it offered I thought 'I'm right there; I need to be there.' But the morning of the study, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. As I was taking my shower, I played a CD I hadn't played in a couple of years--the song 'Walk by Faith' came on by Jeremy Camp with the words. . .
'Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Help me to rid my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years. . .'
so I knew I had to go to the study. :)
I always believed God's timing with this baby was so perfect--can I still believe that? Lord, You know wehre we'll be next year and what my every need is before I know it (that is clear to me). The amazing thing I see around me is that everyone seems to be having trials."
verse for the day--I was feeling so weak, but this was the verse that came to me
". . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
"I have a big ache in my heart today. This morning I felt like I awoke to "Life: part II." It's so hard to believe that a month ago we found out our baby had died. It's still hard to believe it was me that happened to and not someone else. (it feels kind of like a bad dream).
I do like to think of myself as a half-mom--that I did have a baby but it died. I am a mom to a baby in heaven."
January 22
We had just gotten back from a weekend ski trip to the Swiss Alps--some of the most beautiful mountains and perfect snow we'd ever seen. As much as I wished we were still having a baby, it was such a blessing to get to go skiing with Scott before we moved back to the States. Two weeks after the baby had died, we were also able to go to Garmisch with Scott's sister, and again, we had been blessed with beautiful weather and scenery that provided tranquilty for my soul. I read a passage from a book about how God "dwells in the mountains"--they are a place of praise, a place to pray, and a place to meet with Him (His presence is there). "When God calls us to the mountains, it's because He wants us to see things from His point of view and God always sees the big picture." It was so poignant--I truly felt God's love and comfort while I was in the mountains, because they were so beautiful and full of splendor and peace.
From my journal. . .
"My heart still aches for our baby. I don't know what the road ahead will bring--how long it will be until I'm pregnant with a baby that lasts full term or if we will adopt. I know we'll know when/if to adopt, but getting pregnant is so full of mystery. It was 5 weeks ago we found out our baby had died. I'm trying to walk by faith (I don't really feel I have much choice). I do feel that last year was harder with Scott deployed, but it also makes me more weary thinking how much longer my strength will be tested. Life isn't supposed to be easy, I guess, and God has blessed us a million times over. I have to keep reminding myself His grace is enough.
There are so many times over the past 4 weeks I've felt God so close and so tenderly loving me-I wish I had written them all down. God has been speaking so clearly. I started a Bible study, "Walking by Faith: Lessons Learned in the Dark." When I saw it offered I thought 'I'm right there; I need to be there.' But the morning of the study, I wasn't really sure if I wanted to go. As I was taking my shower, I played a CD I hadn't played in a couple of years--the song 'Walk by Faith' came on by Jeremy Camp with the words. . .
'Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
I will walk by faith Even when I cannot see
because this broken road Prepares Your will for me
Help me to rid my endless fears You've been so faithful for all my years. . .'
so I knew I had to go to the study. :)
I always believed God's timing with this baby was so perfect--can I still believe that? Lord, You know wehre we'll be next year and what my every need is before I know it (that is clear to me). The amazing thing I see around me is that everyone seems to be having trials."
verse for the day--I was feeling so weak, but this was the verse that came to me
". . .my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26
January 13, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord, thank you that You are so near. I do feel as if I'm being held in the shelter of the Most High. He is so sweetly reassuring me--it's almost like I don't want this feeling to end (not that I want to go through more heartache). Lord, protect my heart and mind.
God is amazing, though, how He is so personal, speaking through His Word, in my heart, and through other people. One of the first mornings after the surgery that I was up and about, I went outside in the morning and the bells were ringing and it had just started snowing--and I knew everything was going to be okay."
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.' I Cor. 2:9"
During this period of time, there was a song that Josh Groban sings called Lullaby--for some reason this touched me deeply--I felt somehow supernaturally comforted--almost like God was speaking those words directly to me, and I also somehow felt like I was thinking them longingly for the baby I lost. I know it probably sounds weird, but the words "peace will come to you in time" comforted me as a promise from God that in time I would be okay, and that even though He is the God of the universe, He loves me tenderly as a father as I am going through this pain. The crazy thing is that as I was discovering this song and feeling that Father love from God, two different people told me that God was my loving Father (confirming in my heart that He really wanted me to know that). Those people never knew the impact of those words as I felt Him reassuring me of that through this song and other Bible verses I was reading.
Lyrics to Lullaby sung by Josh Groban:(feat. Ladysmith Black Mambazo)
Hush now baby don't you cry Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time And I will sing this lullaby
Know though I must leave, my child But I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone Remember this sweet lullaby
And all love through darkness Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn With love you'll find your way My love
The world has turned the day to dark I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes I will send this lullaby Yes I will send this lullaby
"Lord, thank you that You are so near. I do feel as if I'm being held in the shelter of the Most High. He is so sweetly reassuring me--it's almost like I don't want this feeling to end (not that I want to go through more heartache). Lord, protect my heart and mind.
God is amazing, though, how He is so personal, speaking through His Word, in my heart, and through other people. One of the first mornings after the surgery that I was up and about, I went outside in the morning and the bells were ringing and it had just started snowing--and I knew everything was going to be okay."
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.' I Cor. 2:9"
During this period of time, there was a song that Josh Groban sings called Lullaby--for some reason this touched me deeply--I felt somehow supernaturally comforted--almost like God was speaking those words directly to me, and I also somehow felt like I was thinking them longingly for the baby I lost. I know it probably sounds weird, but the words "peace will come to you in time" comforted me as a promise from God that in time I would be okay, and that even though He is the God of the universe, He loves me tenderly as a father as I am going through this pain. The crazy thing is that as I was discovering this song and feeling that Father love from God, two different people told me that God was my loving Father (confirming in my heart that He really wanted me to know that). Those people never knew the impact of those words as I felt Him reassuring me of that through this song and other Bible verses I was reading.
Lyrics to Lullaby sung by Josh Groban:(feat. Ladysmith Black Mambazo)
Hush now baby don't you cry Rest your wings my butterfly
Peace will come to you in time And I will sing this lullaby
Know though I must leave, my child But I would stay here by your side
And if you wake before I'm gone Remember this sweet lullaby
And all love through darkness Don't you ever stop believing
With love forlorn With love you'll find your way My love
The world has turned the day to dark I leave this night with heavy heart
When I return to dry your eyes I will send this lullaby Yes I will send this lullaby
Friday, August 29, 2008
January 12, 2008
I really felt that God was leading me to share with everyone what had happened up to this point in my journey, because most people had only gotten our Christmas letter to say that the baby had died--and that was all they knew. I know a lot of people probably wanted to ask me questions but didn't know how, so I thought I'd just send everyone an update of what was going on. Many of you have probably already read this, but I wanted to include it as part of the story. I have cut out the information that I already wrote about in the previous posts. . .
"I don’t even know where to begin to express what I’ve been through the past 3 weeks or what God has taught me. I will say thank you to everyone for your cards and e-mails and your prayers and thoughts. I’ve felt the love here in Heidelberg and from across the miles. God has taken care of me through you and in many other ways. We are so grateful to our church family for providing meals and care packages (Scott’s sister and family flew in from China for Christmas the day after we found out—even though they are easy company, the meals that were provided took care of them and were a gift to me to know they were taken care of.)
So, where am I emotionally? As many of you know, the husband of my best friend here in Germany was killed in Iraq while Scott was there. That was the hardest time of my life emotionally. She is like a sister to me, and it also intensified my struggles with Scott being there. The day Doug was killed she said “God has a plan.” She trusted God through her pain, and I believed with her. I learned that I could trust God’s plan, no matter what, even if it meant that my life had pain and trials. I kept thinking about Nicole this whole time (not to mention I was wearing her maternity sweater when we found out), because this pain does not hurt as badly as when Doug was killed. My heart was able to appreciate the blessing that Scott was right there beside me during this, and that even though some might think this would be a hard Christmas, it was so much better for me this year compared to last year to have Scott with me in our home. Yes, we were very disappointed, because I was thinking it would be the best Christmas to not only have him home but have the hopes and dreams of the next few months and how fun the next Christmas would be with our new baby. When Christmas morning came, I was just so completely thankful to have him by my side.
Of course I have my struggles at times, but we are filled with hope for future babies, whether through pregnancy or adoption. We’ve been working through our future plans this spring and summer and how this changes all of our preconceived plans. We were so looking forward to having a baby before we moved as a way to finish our chapter here in Germany—as Scott has been at many deliveries at Heidelberg Army hospital, and being excited about moving back with a new baby. We were especially looking forward to bringing a baby into our lives here with our community at church and around Heidelberg. We’ve felt your excitement for us and your disappointment with us. Many want to know if we named the baby—its name is still Baby Huitink. In our hearts we know the baby is in heaven and that we had a baby but that he/she died knowing our voices but not our world.
If some of you think I am strong, it’s God’s strength He’s given me. Some of you might wonder how I can trust His perfect plan even if it seems painful—He has proven to me over and over that He cares about me in many personal ways, and He’s taken care of me in many ways that I could have never planned for to make this process as easy as possible. Additionally, every time I open my Bible, He is giving me words of comfort, courage and hope. Often He leads me to verses promising that He’ll bless double for our trials, and this gives me such comfort and hope.
Sometimes I dread going out in public, because I keep running into people who have heard I’m pregnant or as with any grief, I know that people don’t know what to say or how to act. I don’t have any expectations--I do not mind talking about what happened or the baby. If sometimes I seem like I have it all together, it’s because I’ve asked God to help me keep it together for whatever I need—whether it’s a trip to the commissary that I just want to get through or making it through 1 hour and 15 minutes at church, in which I do get teary-eyed. If you would like to talk with me, you are more than welcome to call or come over where we can have time to talk. It’s sometimes harder to talk in passing. I won’t be offended if you don’t say anything about the situation, and I won’t be offended if you do feel led to say a word of comfort or encouragement or have a question. It’s hard, but we are working through it, little steps at a time. I put away my maternity clothes Wednesday, and while it’s sad, it was also a time full of hope for the next time I can pull them out—so much different than the finality of losing a spouse.
You can pray for us during our next pregnancy—that I won’t be anxious, and that it will hopefully happen soon after we are able to start trying again. It’s hard, because I’ve met so many people who have had multiple miscarriages, and my first thought is “I don’t want to have to go through this several times!” I did go into this pregnancy feeling blessed that I could even get pregnant—it was a gift to even be pregnant, and I didn’t take the pregnancy for granted. I’m okay being around other babies—I am sure April will be hard as our delivery date nears or if I will be around newborns during that time. So that’s where I’m at right now. . .
Thank you for reading this whole letter but especially for your prayers and sympathy. We do feel very loved by you. Just know that we are sad but not in despair, and that God is good. Whatever you’re going through, know that God cares about you and if you cry out to Him He will answer you."
Lovingly,
Rachelle
"I don’t even know where to begin to express what I’ve been through the past 3 weeks or what God has taught me. I will say thank you to everyone for your cards and e-mails and your prayers and thoughts. I’ve felt the love here in Heidelberg and from across the miles. God has taken care of me through you and in many other ways. We are so grateful to our church family for providing meals and care packages (Scott’s sister and family flew in from China for Christmas the day after we found out—even though they are easy company, the meals that were provided took care of them and were a gift to me to know they were taken care of.)
So, where am I emotionally? As many of you know, the husband of my best friend here in Germany was killed in Iraq while Scott was there. That was the hardest time of my life emotionally. She is like a sister to me, and it also intensified my struggles with Scott being there. The day Doug was killed she said “God has a plan.” She trusted God through her pain, and I believed with her. I learned that I could trust God’s plan, no matter what, even if it meant that my life had pain and trials. I kept thinking about Nicole this whole time (not to mention I was wearing her maternity sweater when we found out), because this pain does not hurt as badly as when Doug was killed. My heart was able to appreciate the blessing that Scott was right there beside me during this, and that even though some might think this would be a hard Christmas, it was so much better for me this year compared to last year to have Scott with me in our home. Yes, we were very disappointed, because I was thinking it would be the best Christmas to not only have him home but have the hopes and dreams of the next few months and how fun the next Christmas would be with our new baby. When Christmas morning came, I was just so completely thankful to have him by my side.
Of course I have my struggles at times, but we are filled with hope for future babies, whether through pregnancy or adoption. We’ve been working through our future plans this spring and summer and how this changes all of our preconceived plans. We were so looking forward to having a baby before we moved as a way to finish our chapter here in Germany—as Scott has been at many deliveries at Heidelberg Army hospital, and being excited about moving back with a new baby. We were especially looking forward to bringing a baby into our lives here with our community at church and around Heidelberg. We’ve felt your excitement for us and your disappointment with us. Many want to know if we named the baby—its name is still Baby Huitink. In our hearts we know the baby is in heaven and that we had a baby but that he/she died knowing our voices but not our world.
If some of you think I am strong, it’s God’s strength He’s given me. Some of you might wonder how I can trust His perfect plan even if it seems painful—He has proven to me over and over that He cares about me in many personal ways, and He’s taken care of me in many ways that I could have never planned for to make this process as easy as possible. Additionally, every time I open my Bible, He is giving me words of comfort, courage and hope. Often He leads me to verses promising that He’ll bless double for our trials, and this gives me such comfort and hope.
Sometimes I dread going out in public, because I keep running into people who have heard I’m pregnant or as with any grief, I know that people don’t know what to say or how to act. I don’t have any expectations--I do not mind talking about what happened or the baby. If sometimes I seem like I have it all together, it’s because I’ve asked God to help me keep it together for whatever I need—whether it’s a trip to the commissary that I just want to get through or making it through 1 hour and 15 minutes at church, in which I do get teary-eyed. If you would like to talk with me, you are more than welcome to call or come over where we can have time to talk. It’s sometimes harder to talk in passing. I won’t be offended if you don’t say anything about the situation, and I won’t be offended if you do feel led to say a word of comfort or encouragement or have a question. It’s hard, but we are working through it, little steps at a time. I put away my maternity clothes Wednesday, and while it’s sad, it was also a time full of hope for the next time I can pull them out—so much different than the finality of losing a spouse.
You can pray for us during our next pregnancy—that I won’t be anxious, and that it will hopefully happen soon after we are able to start trying again. It’s hard, because I’ve met so many people who have had multiple miscarriages, and my first thought is “I don’t want to have to go through this several times!” I did go into this pregnancy feeling blessed that I could even get pregnant—it was a gift to even be pregnant, and I didn’t take the pregnancy for granted. I’m okay being around other babies—I am sure April will be hard as our delivery date nears or if I will be around newborns during that time. So that’s where I’m at right now. . .
Thank you for reading this whole letter but especially for your prayers and sympathy. We do feel very loved by you. Just know that we are sad but not in despair, and that God is good. Whatever you’re going through, know that God cares about you and if you cry out to Him He will answer you."
Lovingly,
Rachelle
January 11, 2008
From my journal. . .
"Lord I do believe You are speaking to me that I will have twins--even twin boys. I will ponder these things in my heart. I do pray that You'll heal my womb and bless us with pregnancy soon. Now I know I can pray for that and You answer that. Rebekah had not had children so Isaac prayed for her to have children and God blessed her with twins. Lord thank you Your mercies are new every morning"
I remember right before I wrote this journal entry praying to God and asking Him if He was speaking to me that we'd have twins, because I wanted to believe if He was really trying to communicate that to me through the dream and the verses that I had been reading. It was almost as if a still, small voice reassured me and even whispered names. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced God "speaking" to you, but it's different than just having a thought in your head. I know it was the same kind of "voice" I had heard times before when I was trying to make a decision, and I had prayed and asked God what I should do. I realized that I needed to trust that "voice" (the Holy Spirit) again and have faith of what it seemed God was promising.
"Lord I do believe You are speaking to me that I will have twins--even twin boys. I will ponder these things in my heart. I do pray that You'll heal my womb and bless us with pregnancy soon. Now I know I can pray for that and You answer that. Rebekah had not had children so Isaac prayed for her to have children and God blessed her with twins. Lord thank you Your mercies are new every morning"
I remember right before I wrote this journal entry praying to God and asking Him if He was speaking to me that we'd have twins, because I wanted to believe if He was really trying to communicate that to me through the dream and the verses that I had been reading. It was almost as if a still, small voice reassured me and even whispered names. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced God "speaking" to you, but it's different than just having a thought in your head. I know it was the same kind of "voice" I had heard times before when I was trying to make a decision, and I had prayed and asked God what I should do. I realized that I needed to trust that "voice" (the Holy Spirit) again and have faith of what it seemed God was promising.
December 27, 2007
Several times after we lost the baby I came across the verse "I will bless you double for your woes"--I'm not even sure of the reference at this minute, but it was comforting, because no matter what God was going to bless us somehow. And without me even searching for the stories, I came across readings of women in the Bible who were barren and ended up having twins. About a week before we lost the baby I had a dream that I went to our doctor to find out the sex of the baby and she told me it was twins. At the time I laughed it off, because we knew that there was only one baby in there, but the more verses I was reading, the more I began to wonder if God was trying to tell me that, yes, indeed, you went in to find out the sex of the baby and instead you will have twins.
From my journal, December 27, 2007
"Lord I want to hear from You, but it's for selfish reasons. Part of me wants to believe that You're promising me twins and the other part of me knows that I am to trust You no matter what [even if I have more miscarriages or don't get pregnant] and I can probably trust You'll at least give us another baby and why can't that be enough?
I'm starting to feel more like myself (my hormones are back to normal, and my body is almost at its pre-pregnancy state)."
From my journal, December 27, 2007
"Lord I want to hear from You, but it's for selfish reasons. Part of me wants to believe that You're promising me twins and the other part of me knows that I am to trust You no matter what [even if I have more miscarriages or don't get pregnant] and I can probably trust You'll at least give us another baby and why can't that be enough?
I'm starting to feel more like myself (my hormones are back to normal, and my body is almost at its pre-pregnancy state)."
December 26, 2007
From my journal. . .
"A week ago I was being put to sleep for surgery to remove my dead baby. I'm very glad it's over with. I don't look forward to starting over, but at the same time I'm impatient and wish to be pregnant right away. I do miss having the hopes, dreams, wonder and excitement of expecting a baby in 4 months. God did give me the joy of being pregnant (and an easy pregnancy).
Ps. 145:1-21 was today's Psalm. [I encourage you to read it]. Lord, it would be wonderful if You provided me with twins. Part of me hopes for that and part of me believes You're actually going to give me that. I am thankful for everything God has done for me this past week and leading up to everything. He has been very gracious in many small ways that have made my life more comfortable."
"A week ago I was being put to sleep for surgery to remove my dead baby. I'm very glad it's over with. I don't look forward to starting over, but at the same time I'm impatient and wish to be pregnant right away. I do miss having the hopes, dreams, wonder and excitement of expecting a baby in 4 months. God did give me the joy of being pregnant (and an easy pregnancy).
Ps. 145:1-21 was today's Psalm. [I encourage you to read it]. Lord, it would be wonderful if You provided me with twins. Part of me hopes for that and part of me believes You're actually going to give me that. I am thankful for everything God has done for me this past week and leading up to everything. He has been very gracious in many small ways that have made my life more comfortable."
December 23, 2007
From my journal. . .
"It's still hard for me to believe I lost a baby. I do know that God doesn't make mistakes, and I don't know why He chose me to be used in this way, whatever His greater purpose is. He does know best. I do remember everything vividly--[I had my first positive pregnancy test August 18]--we were going to really have a baby (if I didn't miscarry). Since I had never been pregnant before, I was always cautious to see how my body would react. After the 1st trimester I rested easier and got used to how every decision I made affected/related to the baby. Nov. 19 everything was normal and exciting. Scott's mom got to see the baby kicking. I really feel like it died last weekend. That was the last time I felt it move, and I just had a feeling something was wrong (not that I really believed it).
These things I know to be true:
1. God makes no mistakes and He knit this baby together in my womb (Ps. 139:1-24)
2. It's not all about me--God has a larger purpose beyond Scott and I"
"It's still hard for me to believe I lost a baby. I do know that God doesn't make mistakes, and I don't know why He chose me to be used in this way, whatever His greater purpose is. He does know best. I do remember everything vividly--[I had my first positive pregnancy test August 18]--we were going to really have a baby (if I didn't miscarry). Since I had never been pregnant before, I was always cautious to see how my body would react. After the 1st trimester I rested easier and got used to how every decision I made affected/related to the baby. Nov. 19 everything was normal and exciting. Scott's mom got to see the baby kicking. I really feel like it died last weekend. That was the last time I felt it move, and I just had a feeling something was wrong (not that I really believed it).
These things I know to be true:
1. God makes no mistakes and He knit this baby together in my womb (Ps. 139:1-24)
2. It's not all about me--God has a larger purpose beyond Scott and I"
Thursday, August 28, 2008
December 22, 2007
From my journal. . .so you can see what was going on in my head at that time
"There is so much to write--so many feelings and thoughts. Tuesday night was grueling because of the dread of what lay ahead. How do we get this baby out? I felt shock, disbelief--that I had become a statistic, fear of the surgery--was this the best choice? Emotionally I did not want to go through an induction to give birth to a stillborn but I also had my reservations about surgery. I also was afraid I would go into labor at home. I felt disgusting that I had a deformed dead baby inside of me, and I just wanted it out. Our appointment with the doctor who did the procedure was a lot of relief. He spent awhile looking at the baby by ultrasound and said the baby wasn't too big to do the D&E, which was a great relief. He was able to work us in to be the first case on Thursday morning, which was a blessing to me, too. We felt confident about his skill, and he had never damaged a uterus. He did think it was a chromosomal malformation that appeared to be a one-time incident. Naturally we were relieved when he said our next pregnancy would probably be normal. I was relieved to know it was not me. Dec 20 the surgery went as well as it could. I was asleep before anything started, and the staff was so kind and caring--more than I expected. I was just so glad Scott could be with me through all of this. He was so sweet, and I felt so loved. After the long day of recovery, I felt a lot of relief. The day before I hadn't felt as gross--my affection for my baby came back, and I was in some way glad I was cradling it in me before I said good-bye forever. Yesterday was a bit harder. I think my hormones were a little out of whack, and I was wishing none of this was happening so I could be myself while Anita was here. I found myself staring a lot and not caring about much. I was almost catatonic--it felt good to just stare.
Now today I have so many different thoughts in my head. I can't make sense of the whole thing. I see my 2 different lives flash before me--life with a baby in 4 months (and realizing that was my reality when now it seems fictitious!) and then my other life where I know it will be about a year at least before we will have another baby. I don't understand why God knit this baby in my womb like this--it was obviously intentional. I know it was no mistake, but I've been trying to figure out what God is telling me through Ps. 139. I wish God would speak to me like Mary [since this happened during the Christmas season I was surrounded by the story of the Virgin birth and how God spoke to Mary and Elizabeth, and I wanted Him to speak to me like that so badly]
I do wonder now if I should have delivered the baby so I could see it. I think it would have been more damaging, but it would have put my brain to rest that it was real. Right now I don't even know what to think other than I was looking forward to being a mom in 4 months. I guess it wasn't my time. It's easier sometimes to pretend like I was never pregnant than feel the loss. What's weird is that most of the pregnancy is in your head--the hopes and dreams and wonder. Other than feeling a little pregnant, it's all in your imagination until it's born. So now even the death is all in my imagination--even seeing the ultrasound of the lifeless infant in me, because they don't send home a copy of that ultrasound for you.
Today I feel like Ill be okay. I am really disappointed and don't understand it all but I do have hope for the future. I just don't want to have to go through this again. We're sad we won't have our first child in Germany to complete our time here and be able to celebrate that with our church.
The hard thing today is my milk coming in. I hope it goes down soon.
God did show He cares about me with how He answered people's prayers the day of the surgery and in little details here and there. He's sent people to care for us, too."
"There is so much to write--so many feelings and thoughts. Tuesday night was grueling because of the dread of what lay ahead. How do we get this baby out? I felt shock, disbelief--that I had become a statistic, fear of the surgery--was this the best choice? Emotionally I did not want to go through an induction to give birth to a stillborn but I also had my reservations about surgery. I also was afraid I would go into labor at home. I felt disgusting that I had a deformed dead baby inside of me, and I just wanted it out. Our appointment with the doctor who did the procedure was a lot of relief. He spent awhile looking at the baby by ultrasound and said the baby wasn't too big to do the D&E, which was a great relief. He was able to work us in to be the first case on Thursday morning, which was a blessing to me, too. We felt confident about his skill, and he had never damaged a uterus. He did think it was a chromosomal malformation that appeared to be a one-time incident. Naturally we were relieved when he said our next pregnancy would probably be normal. I was relieved to know it was not me. Dec 20 the surgery went as well as it could. I was asleep before anything started, and the staff was so kind and caring--more than I expected. I was just so glad Scott could be with me through all of this. He was so sweet, and I felt so loved. After the long day of recovery, I felt a lot of relief. The day before I hadn't felt as gross--my affection for my baby came back, and I was in some way glad I was cradling it in me before I said good-bye forever. Yesterday was a bit harder. I think my hormones were a little out of whack, and I was wishing none of this was happening so I could be myself while Anita was here. I found myself staring a lot and not caring about much. I was almost catatonic--it felt good to just stare.
Now today I have so many different thoughts in my head. I can't make sense of the whole thing. I see my 2 different lives flash before me--life with a baby in 4 months (and realizing that was my reality when now it seems fictitious!) and then my other life where I know it will be about a year at least before we will have another baby. I don't understand why God knit this baby in my womb like this--it was obviously intentional. I know it was no mistake, but I've been trying to figure out what God is telling me through Ps. 139. I wish God would speak to me like Mary [since this happened during the Christmas season I was surrounded by the story of the Virgin birth and how God spoke to Mary and Elizabeth, and I wanted Him to speak to me like that so badly]
I do wonder now if I should have delivered the baby so I could see it. I think it would have been more damaging, but it would have put my brain to rest that it was real. Right now I don't even know what to think other than I was looking forward to being a mom in 4 months. I guess it wasn't my time. It's easier sometimes to pretend like I was never pregnant than feel the loss. What's weird is that most of the pregnancy is in your head--the hopes and dreams and wonder. Other than feeling a little pregnant, it's all in your imagination until it's born. So now even the death is all in my imagination--even seeing the ultrasound of the lifeless infant in me, because they don't send home a copy of that ultrasound for you.
Today I feel like Ill be okay. I am really disappointed and don't understand it all but I do have hope for the future. I just don't want to have to go through this again. We're sad we won't have our first child in Germany to complete our time here and be able to celebrate that with our church.
The hard thing today is my milk coming in. I hope it goes down soon.
God did show He cares about me with how He answered people's prayers the day of the surgery and in little details here and there. He's sent people to care for us, too."
December 20, 2007
After the surgery and spending most of the day at the hospital, I spent the rest of the evening relaxing and sleeping. I was so grateful for the ladies at church who were providing meals, because Scott's sister, husband and son had come in town to spend Christmas with us.
That night I felt like I needed to read from my One Year Bible as I normally do, even if I only had time to read the Psalms. I knew I wanted to keep communication open with God--for Him to speak to me whatever--I was feeling His love, even though you would think in a time like this I would have felt rejected by God. Amazingly, I felt quite the opposite, so I wanted to read my Bible and hear more reassurance of His love for me, that He hadn't forgotten me.
I was struck with what I was reading. This is what it said from Psalm 139: “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. . .You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!”
It is no coincidence that was the reading for Dec. 20. It was painful and amazing to read at the same time; I knew God was a loving God and that He was revealing to me at the beginning of the passage that He knows everything about my life, and additionally what happened to our baby wasn’t a “mistake.” We believe that God creates life, and although our baby had died, because something went wrong in the womb, He wanted me to know without a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't an accident (not to say He was being mean). From what I personally know about God, I can trust Him, and that He created this baby with this malformation for a reason (I’ll probably never know why); it wasn’t an accident but part of His sovereign plan at large. As the scripture states, this baby was knit together perfectly in my womb—it was being perfectly formed row by row and between November 19 and December 18, one of the rows had something purposefully out of place. Even God allowing me to carry this baby for so long and not losing it in the first trimester was planned. I do believe that it’s very clear God has a very active role in forming babies in the womb. If He had wanted this baby to live, it would have, no matter what the problems. And knowing that it wasn’t an accident and that He cares about me personally, makes it easier to trust that He has a greater plan with it—beyond even our own lives. I felt his reassurance that He knows every detail of our lives and that He was watching over me. I almost felt as if He was cradling me and my heart so much, because somewhere He knew that it happened for the greater good in some way--Scott and I wouldn't probably look back and say it was for our good, but knowing that God did have a purpose in all of this beyond us, and in return He was quietly reassuring me that He loved me and would take care of me. Especially after I returned home from the procedure--God had taken care of so many details to make things go as smooth as possible and I woke up without any pain--that's never happened to me before under anesthesia!
That night I felt like I needed to read from my One Year Bible as I normally do, even if I only had time to read the Psalms. I knew I wanted to keep communication open with God--for Him to speak to me whatever--I was feeling His love, even though you would think in a time like this I would have felt rejected by God. Amazingly, I felt quite the opposite, so I wanted to read my Bible and hear more reassurance of His love for me, that He hadn't forgotten me.
I was struck with what I was reading. This is what it said from Psalm 139: “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. . .You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me!”
It is no coincidence that was the reading for Dec. 20. It was painful and amazing to read at the same time; I knew God was a loving God and that He was revealing to me at the beginning of the passage that He knows everything about my life, and additionally what happened to our baby wasn’t a “mistake.” We believe that God creates life, and although our baby had died, because something went wrong in the womb, He wanted me to know without a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't an accident (not to say He was being mean). From what I personally know about God, I can trust Him, and that He created this baby with this malformation for a reason (I’ll probably never know why); it wasn’t an accident but part of His sovereign plan at large. As the scripture states, this baby was knit together perfectly in my womb—it was being perfectly formed row by row and between November 19 and December 18, one of the rows had something purposefully out of place. Even God allowing me to carry this baby for so long and not losing it in the first trimester was planned. I do believe that it’s very clear God has a very active role in forming babies in the womb. If He had wanted this baby to live, it would have, no matter what the problems. And knowing that it wasn’t an accident and that He cares about me personally, makes it easier to trust that He has a greater plan with it—beyond even our own lives. I felt his reassurance that He knows every detail of our lives and that He was watching over me. I almost felt as if He was cradling me and my heart so much, because somewhere He knew that it happened for the greater good in some way--Scott and I wouldn't probably look back and say it was for our good, but knowing that God did have a purpose in all of this beyond us, and in return He was quietly reassuring me that He loved me and would take care of me. Especially after I returned home from the procedure--God had taken care of so many details to make things go as smooth as possible and I woke up without any pain--that's never happened to me before under anesthesia!
Friday, August 15, 2008
What Happened?
I must apologize first that the blogs are posting with the most recent one at the top, so in order to read the story in order, you'll have to start at the bottom. I have not figured out a way to reorganize the order of the entries. . .
So, let's get started with the story. . .this first part will be hard to read, but I do feel that if I can somehow relate my story to encourage someone who has been through this I will tell all, every aspect. All I can say is that I had felt our baby moving pretty violently on Thursday or Friday (I didn't like the way that felt) and then we had a very busy weekend with my aunt and uncle in town and a Christmas program at church. By Sunday night, I was going to bed and reflecting that I didn't remember feeling the baby move. Of course I also thought, maybe I hadn't noticed it move, because we were so busy. So, I got out the pregnancy books to look up the chances of something being wrong, and it said only 1% of babies died this late. So, I went to bed with nothing to worry about. I took my aunt and uncle to the airport on Monday, and my mom called later that day. She told me that she'd had a dream in which my grandmother was really worried about me and said she had to come see me, and we both were puzzled what that was all about. I remember closing the conversation after that with, "well, we're going to find out the sex of the baby tomorrow, so I don't know what that would have been about." Tuesday, we went in for the appointment at the German hospital, because they had the high-tech machine that was necessary for the measurements. Scott and I passed time in the waiting room revising our Christmas letter for how we were going to announce to everyone about our "Greta or Klaus" and how excited we were. We went in for the ultrasound, and I remember thinking, why isn't the baby moving? We won't be able to see the sex. . .why can't I find the heartbeat? Thankfully I didn't know that like the American machines I should have been hearing the heartbeat--I just thought maybe they did things different in the German hospital--of course, Scott knew right away what was happening. I even asked, "is that the heart?" as I was trying to make sense of what I was seeing, and everyone said "no." The technician called for a doctor, but once again, I thought, maybe they have a doctor come interpret the results or maybe there's a disability they are going to tell us about. Then it came--the 20-year-old technician put his hand gently on my arm and said "your baby has some problems; I'm sorry your baby has died; I'm sorry" or something to that effect. It's the strangest feeling to think that something is already over before you even knew it, and there's no turning back.
My first reaction--"this morning, I had that thought--what would I do if there was no heartbeat?" but I still brushed it off. Now it was already over, and my mind was racing about what was going to happen next--of course my body wasn't ready to get rid of the baby, and then I felt disgusting, knowing I had a dead baby inside of me--then it all flashed in front of me--"how long until I'm pregnant again? what happened? is it something with my body or why did it die?"
Thankfully Scott had his head on his shoulders and denied the services at the German hospital and said that we would get things taken care of at the American hospital.
He called the doctor on call at the Heidelberg Army hospital, and he informed us that generally they induce labor to get the baby out, and they like to wait a couple of days for emotional reasons. This terrified me--both going through labor for a dead baby and waiting a couple of days. I didn't want to see anyone, because I knew they would look at me and think--oh, she's pregnant, how nice or whatever and not know I was carrying a dead baby. I also remember thinking--this pain does not feel half as bad as it did when Nicole's husband was killed in Iraq--My heart hurt so much then that even though this hurt badly I knew it was something I could get through, especially since I actually had my husband with me through all of this. It really put things in perspective for me.
We kept our scheduled OB appointment for that afternoon, and we were given the choice of the induction or a procedure where they could put me under full anesthesia and get the baby out. I chose the latter, and on Thursday morning we were scheduled as the first case. The day before I was able to say good-bye to our baby, knowing that after Thursday I would no longer be pregnant. I imagined myself cradling her as I prepared myself for the next day. Looking back I can see why a couple days' wait is a good thing, but at first it is traumatic--every twinge you wonder if you are about to go into labor, and then I remember waking up the next morning to the reality that the baby inside me was dead, wailing and thinking to myself, "it's not enough to lose a baby, but then to know that we still had another large hurdle to get through before it was all over." I know a lot of people were praying, because I woke up after the procedre feeling like I had had a good sleep and had no pain. Later, I found out I had lost 1800mL of blood, but I wasn't anemic a week later, so I was grateful to God for healing me so miraculously. I don't regret my decision to not undergo the emotional trauma of induced labor, but if you're ever faced with this decision, I did live with some regret of never seeing the baby or holding her or having some physical evidence like footprints (besides ultrasound pictures). It was often easy for my brain to pretend I was never pregnant once my body went back to its pre-pregnancy state.
Then began the hardships of seeing people at the grocery store--people asking how my Christmas was or excited because they had heard I was pregnant. I did not want to go out in public much, because I always ran into people at the store that I knew. There wasn't really much I could say at that point--didn't really know what to talk about. People were trying to encourage me that I wasn't alone and that they had experienced miscarriages, but it was difficult for me--I probably had heard of about 20 women at this point who had miscarriages, and being the empathetic person I am, I couldn't handle hearing about them. (I knew they were only trying to encourage me so I appreciated the stories, but I also was struggling with fear that I would lose more than one baby as these women had). I also felt a little different since ours was actually classified as a stillbirth, because we were past 20 weeks. I was encouraged by people reassuring me they had children after their miscarriages, but ironically I longed to be around a mother who hadn't had any miscarriages to give me hope that I would not have to experience this again.
Anyways--enough about that. I will close with an exerpt from my journal entry from
December 18, 2007
"I've gone through a lot of emotions today. . .all the while wondering what went wrong and then being upset that we have to start the whole process over. We were excited to finally start a family in 4 months. Now it will be another year at least (and then you dread going through the same thing again.) I know God has helped ease the pain by many different events/circumstances, and I would much rather go through this than lose a spouse. Lord, we need You so much these next couple of days as many things have to fall into place. I've seen you do that before. Please help the surgery to go well with no complications. . . I don't know why God kept the baby alive this long-why He chose this timing if He knew it wasn't going to survive. I did feel so blessed to be pregnant, and I didn't take it for granted. I just hope I don't have to go through this again. Lord help us to know if we should adopt or not. Give me strength to get through what lies ahead these next couple of days."
Please keep reading the story--there is so much of God's story that I want to share. We just had to get through this first part together, and I promise you'll be encouraged and uplifted by the rest.
So, let's get started with the story. . .this first part will be hard to read, but I do feel that if I can somehow relate my story to encourage someone who has been through this I will tell all, every aspect. All I can say is that I had felt our baby moving pretty violently on Thursday or Friday (I didn't like the way that felt) and then we had a very busy weekend with my aunt and uncle in town and a Christmas program at church. By Sunday night, I was going to bed and reflecting that I didn't remember feeling the baby move. Of course I also thought, maybe I hadn't noticed it move, because we were so busy. So, I got out the pregnancy books to look up the chances of something being wrong, and it said only 1% of babies died this late. So, I went to bed with nothing to worry about. I took my aunt and uncle to the airport on Monday, and my mom called later that day. She told me that she'd had a dream in which my grandmother was really worried about me and said she had to come see me, and we both were puzzled what that was all about. I remember closing the conversation after that with, "well, we're going to find out the sex of the baby tomorrow, so I don't know what that would have been about." Tuesday, we went in for the appointment at the German hospital, because they had the high-tech machine that was necessary for the measurements. Scott and I passed time in the waiting room revising our Christmas letter for how we were going to announce to everyone about our "Greta or Klaus" and how excited we were. We went in for the ultrasound, and I remember thinking, why isn't the baby moving? We won't be able to see the sex. . .why can't I find the heartbeat? Thankfully I didn't know that like the American machines I should have been hearing the heartbeat--I just thought maybe they did things different in the German hospital--of course, Scott knew right away what was happening. I even asked, "is that the heart?" as I was trying to make sense of what I was seeing, and everyone said "no." The technician called for a doctor, but once again, I thought, maybe they have a doctor come interpret the results or maybe there's a disability they are going to tell us about. Then it came--the 20-year-old technician put his hand gently on my arm and said "your baby has some problems; I'm sorry your baby has died; I'm sorry" or something to that effect. It's the strangest feeling to think that something is already over before you even knew it, and there's no turning back.
My first reaction--"this morning, I had that thought--what would I do if there was no heartbeat?" but I still brushed it off. Now it was already over, and my mind was racing about what was going to happen next--of course my body wasn't ready to get rid of the baby, and then I felt disgusting, knowing I had a dead baby inside of me--then it all flashed in front of me--"how long until I'm pregnant again? what happened? is it something with my body or why did it die?"
Thankfully Scott had his head on his shoulders and denied the services at the German hospital and said that we would get things taken care of at the American hospital.
He called the doctor on call at the Heidelberg Army hospital, and he informed us that generally they induce labor to get the baby out, and they like to wait a couple of days for emotional reasons. This terrified me--both going through labor for a dead baby and waiting a couple of days. I didn't want to see anyone, because I knew they would look at me and think--oh, she's pregnant, how nice or whatever and not know I was carrying a dead baby. I also remember thinking--this pain does not feel half as bad as it did when Nicole's husband was killed in Iraq--My heart hurt so much then that even though this hurt badly I knew it was something I could get through, especially since I actually had my husband with me through all of this. It really put things in perspective for me.
We kept our scheduled OB appointment for that afternoon, and we were given the choice of the induction or a procedure where they could put me under full anesthesia and get the baby out. I chose the latter, and on Thursday morning we were scheduled as the first case. The day before I was able to say good-bye to our baby, knowing that after Thursday I would no longer be pregnant. I imagined myself cradling her as I prepared myself for the next day. Looking back I can see why a couple days' wait is a good thing, but at first it is traumatic--every twinge you wonder if you are about to go into labor, and then I remember waking up the next morning to the reality that the baby inside me was dead, wailing and thinking to myself, "it's not enough to lose a baby, but then to know that we still had another large hurdle to get through before it was all over." I know a lot of people were praying, because I woke up after the procedre feeling like I had had a good sleep and had no pain. Later, I found out I had lost 1800mL of blood, but I wasn't anemic a week later, so I was grateful to God for healing me so miraculously. I don't regret my decision to not undergo the emotional trauma of induced labor, but if you're ever faced with this decision, I did live with some regret of never seeing the baby or holding her or having some physical evidence like footprints (besides ultrasound pictures). It was often easy for my brain to pretend I was never pregnant once my body went back to its pre-pregnancy state.
Then began the hardships of seeing people at the grocery store--people asking how my Christmas was or excited because they had heard I was pregnant. I did not want to go out in public much, because I always ran into people at the store that I knew. There wasn't really much I could say at that point--didn't really know what to talk about. People were trying to encourage me that I wasn't alone and that they had experienced miscarriages, but it was difficult for me--I probably had heard of about 20 women at this point who had miscarriages, and being the empathetic person I am, I couldn't handle hearing about them. (I knew they were only trying to encourage me so I appreciated the stories, but I also was struggling with fear that I would lose more than one baby as these women had). I also felt a little different since ours was actually classified as a stillbirth, because we were past 20 weeks. I was encouraged by people reassuring me they had children after their miscarriages, but ironically I longed to be around a mother who hadn't had any miscarriages to give me hope that I would not have to experience this again.
Anyways--enough about that. I will close with an exerpt from my journal entry from
December 18, 2007
"I've gone through a lot of emotions today. . .all the while wondering what went wrong and then being upset that we have to start the whole process over. We were excited to finally start a family in 4 months. Now it will be another year at least (and then you dread going through the same thing again.) I know God has helped ease the pain by many different events/circumstances, and I would much rather go through this than lose a spouse. Lord, we need You so much these next couple of days as many things have to fall into place. I've seen you do that before. Please help the surgery to go well with no complications. . . I don't know why God kept the baby alive this long-why He chose this timing if He knew it wasn't going to survive. I did feel so blessed to be pregnant, and I didn't take it for granted. I just hope I don't have to go through this again. Lord help us to know if we should adopt or not. Give me strength to get through what lies ahead these next couple of days."
Please keep reading the story--there is so much of God's story that I want to share. We just had to get through this first part together, and I promise you'll be encouraged and uplifted by the rest.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Pictures. . .
We had planned on going to see the tulips in Holland the last week of April with my parents--then I found out I was was pregnant in August and going to deliver that same week, which meant seeing the tulips. . .someday--We called my parents when we were ready to share the news--"Are you still coming to see us in April to go see the tulips?" "Of course," they said, and then I replied "well, we'll get to introduce you to your grandbaby at that time instead." And, we all weren't disappointed. . .
After we lost our little girl, it was a blessing to be able to plan the trip to Holland again, with my parents coming just as they would have either way. It was comforting to see the beautiful tulips and drink it all in. Of course she was always on my mind, so when we saw this collection of pink tulips, I knew they were for her--it was the only time we saw this soft pink color, and as soon as we saw them at sunset, I said "those are for little Grace"--yes, instead of giving birth, I was surrounded by this beauty, so I wanted to share it with you. These were taken April 30, 5 days after her due date.
Background. . .
Where do I begin? I have been on this segment of life's journey since December 18, 2007 but many things happened before this point to shape who I am. Since you probably don't know me, I will catch you up. . .
On December 18, I was 5.5 months pregnant with our first child. My husband and I went in for a special appointment to get measurements of the baby by ultrasound and find out the sex of the baby. During this appointment, I saw the lifeless body of my baby on a large TV screen and had the technician gently inform us that our baby had problems and that it had died. Wow. I had just seen it moving and looking normal 4 weeks before, so what happened, and how do we get this baby out? Suddenly you feel like your life is in the movie Sliding Doors where you see Life Plan A: if we found out the sex of the baby and just went on expecting it to be born in April to Life Plan B: this whole phase of our life changes--our Spring would be dramatically different than we expected.
Fast forwarding to today, August 14, where am I emotionally? It has been a journey, and I have learned so much along the way about faith and hope.
I look forward to reflecting on my journey with you--I have kept a journal since December 18, and I have been encouraged by friends, Bible verses, songs, and people along the way.
Talk to you soon,
Rachelle
On December 18, I was 5.5 months pregnant with our first child. My husband and I went in for a special appointment to get measurements of the baby by ultrasound and find out the sex of the baby. During this appointment, I saw the lifeless body of my baby on a large TV screen and had the technician gently inform us that our baby had problems and that it had died. Wow. I had just seen it moving and looking normal 4 weeks before, so what happened, and how do we get this baby out? Suddenly you feel like your life is in the movie Sliding Doors where you see Life Plan A: if we found out the sex of the baby and just went on expecting it to be born in April to Life Plan B: this whole phase of our life changes--our Spring would be dramatically different than we expected.
Fast forwarding to today, August 14, where am I emotionally? It has been a journey, and I have learned so much along the way about faith and hope.
I look forward to reflecting on my journey with you--I have kept a journal since December 18, and I have been encouraged by friends, Bible verses, songs, and people along the way.
Talk to you soon,
Rachelle
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